XXX

Chapter 2 – Dance on your eggshells

Dinner starts at seven.

This is only the third time Hiei has eaten with you and Genkai but you had developed a ritual while setting the table. You first pick some fresh dandelions, pour water on the vase and display the flowers at the very center of the table. You spread out this lovely white linen across the area, smoothing the creases even though you ironed the cloth almost everyday, clearly hoping you will be able to flaunt it once again in your brother's presence like the last time. You stitched it yourself, you told Genkai, and the old woman told Hiei as a passing statement during conversation. You then scoop three bowls of rice and lay down a cup of hot noodles beside each bowl. Since the table is small, you and Genkai sat across each other while Hiei sits between the two of you and this forms a triangle you're very comfortable with. Genkai could always start talking and Hiei listens and you respond to Genkai; occasionally Hiei remarks about something he finds irritating or dull and you listen with a smile. The charade was less tense tonight. The elephant in the room was poked with a stick and never truly left but you were much more assured that things will be different between you and your brother. You hoped.

Hiei sulks, twisting the noodles with his chop sticks. You wonder if your presentation isn't enough to encourage his appetite. You sneak glances at him as you take small bites from your fried shrimp. Your brother then looks at you briefly. He proceeds to eat. You wanted to watch this but it would look quite dumb if you do and Genkai was already staring at you while sipping her tea. Still, you processed everything Hiei did on that dinner table; how he sips the soup first before digging in for the noodles; how he stabs the rice with one chop stick and then asking you to pass the plate of fried shrimps. You processed the way he didn't eat the shrimp tails and kept them on the side of his finished cup of noodles; the way he munched, perpetually frowning, closing his eyes, knowing you're looking but ignoring you all the while.

When you were all done eating, your brother surprises you when he takes the empty bowls to the kitchen himself. You picked up the cups and walked briskly beside him, panicking because he was your guest and you're the one who's supposed to take care all of this.

"Hiei-san, it's really okay." You say. "I'm going to wash them now. You go ahead and drink some ginger tea. I boiled it myself."

But he stayed the whole time you were on the sink and washing the dishes. You smile whenever your eyes meet and the dazed expression on his face is starting to grow on you. You ask him. "So what do you think?"

"Of what?" he crosses his arms, eyeing your soapy hands.

"This," you smile, glancing around. "All of this."

Hiei blinks and then he lets out a thoughtful sigh. He points at your soapy hands. "You do this everyday? Cleaning, cooking and other boring human trivialities?"

"Hiei-san, these activities are not exclusively for humans. I used to clean and cook back in the glacial village." You pause, thinking of another topic of conversation because talking about the glacial village sickens you. "How's democracy going for Demon World these days?"

"Boring and trivial."

"Like almost all things you encounter, am I right?" you teased. He shot you a glare that barely meant anything.

"Not my problem that I'm surrounded by boring trivialities everywhere I go."

"Here I was thinking that your life must have been so dangerous," you wonder if you should pursue that direction. You wonder if he wants to talk about it.

"Some days it could be worth living for," Hiei looked off, apparently unfazed. "...my life. Hmp, I deal with so much bullshit I forget where everything ends and where I begin."

You looked at his contemplative face and suddenly wanted to offer some comforting words of wisdom but you don't have any. You're just like him some days too; your life is a big joke. "My life is a hole where you can see tiny angels weeping."

Hiei looks back at you, frowning. "But it's better now. It is, Yukina. You said so yourself that you're happy here."

"I want you to be happy." You admitted. "Is it so bad for me to wish that?"

"No," Hiei looks down, uncrosses his arms, shoves his hands inside his pockets, and mumbles something incoherently. He says, "You're kind enough to think about me. And you have no obligation to do that."

"I care like this not because I feel obliged, Hiei," you say, "I care because I can't not care about you the way I do and...always will."

"Okay." He replies. He looks at your face, searching for something there. And then he stares at your hands wiping the bowls clean.

"This isn't going to be easy for the both of us, you know. Being together like this is still painfully awkward. I don't know how to be myself around you because I haven't been me for a long time." You tell him. "I get up every morning and create this version of me I like but I know what I was before I discovered what a lie the glacial people had put me up with...that 'me' was all gone. And then bad stuff started to pile up and I find myself imprisoned by some goon who makes my tear gems marketable."

Your brother stays silent the whole time you speak of this. You wonder again how he's taking it and if you even have the right to unload this on him. But these thoughts are on the very back of your mind. You were so engrossed on telling him every detail he has to know about you. You wanted him to think that he can open up to you too like what you're doing now.

"Meeting Kazuma-san and the others was an instant relief I am always thankful for. Genkai takes care of me and I take care of her home. She's so good to me. I guess I am having a nice life right now. But there's this weird part of me that thinks I'll be in some cage again. There's no way of knowing how life is going to be weeks or months or years from now. Everything changes and in my track record, it always seems to be for the worse." You arranged the bowls inside the cupboard and wiped your hands with a towel. You faced him, going on. "What I'm trying to tell you, Hiei-san, brother, is that I need something to grab onto when there's no rhyme or reason. And I want you to trust me enough and let me be something you can grab onto when you got nothing else out there."

Hiei nods, still awfully quiet that in his silence your heartbeat, if you ever were human and had one, might be banging loudly against your chest right now. You kept on, "So stay here when you had nowhere to go. Stay here with me when you're worrying about something. You can come here and we can talk. Or just sit on a corner and brood together if that's what you're used to. I'd like to see things the way you see it. And if you just let me make something out of this blood relation we have, something I can call mine, then I'd be so grateful because maybe, if I'll ever go inside another cage, it'd be with you and whatever it is we could build...as—you know..."

You gulped, trying to remember how to breathe. "...as family…?"

"Yukina," he begins as soon as you finished uttering that taboo word. "You shared enough for one day. It's best if you take a rest now."

You want to protest but you can't keep forcing him to be something you like, something yours, you just can't. So you nod, and your frightened inner child starts cowering inside your veins and you scold her, warning her not to cry.

"If it's okay, I'd like to sit by your window tonight as you sleep." He says this very softly, like it's a secret he's embarrassed of.

You smiled again. "Yes, I could use the company. I'm not really feeling that sleepy. But we could go to my room now and we could watch the moon and the sky...whatever, you know."

You need to stop with your gibberish. You scold yourself for that too. But Hiei just agrees and follows you.

Your room was a vacant place with a bed, a table, a closet and a mirror. The space is wide for six people to sleep on but you preferred most of it empty. "When it's full moon, the floor lights up," you told your brother. "So I kept the furniture to a minimum because I like how my room glows with moonlight."

"I see." Hiei stands beside the window, looking out. You were on your mattress, clutching your pillow and anxiety sweeps on you, reminding you that this is the first time in many, many years you're alone with your twin. The longing to be one with someone who is of your flesh and blood begins to violently torment you. Hiei was looking at you. His face seems dark when he's standing with the moon behind him like that.

"I have an extra pillow and a blanket in case you want to get cozy." You offered. "It'd be nice if you stay for the night."

"The tree is cozy enough." He remarks.

"But it's too far from me." You tried not to sound too eager. "I know you're used to looking in but now you should get used to actually be here with me."

Your brother sits down, leaning his back on the wall for support. He was just looking at you. He must be baffled by everything you were putting him through. You started to undo the braids in your hair, looking down at your lap as you can hear his breathing relax. You took a comb from your table and started brushing in front of the mirror. You thought about a haircut. You always wanted to know how you would like with something shorter. You asked Hiei about this.

"Whatever you want, Yukina." He says with disinterest.

You stare at him through the mirror. "There's a festival of some sorts tomorrow evening. Is it possible for you to be free of duties in the other realm?"

"You want me to accompany you to some human festivity?" he sounded annoyed.

"If you're free..." you muttered almost to yourself.

"I'll see if I can but no promises." He tells you.

You exhale air. "Brother?"

No answer at first. You were about to berate yourself for addressing him like that when he spoke. "Is there anything else?"

Here goes. "Can you sleep beside me in my futon?"

You still faced the mirror as you closed your eyes and stopped brushing your hair for a second, waiting so long for his response that it was about to rip you into shreds. You heard Hiei adjust his position on the floor but he still didn't say anything.

You should take it back this instant! Apologize like it's life-and-death to you! He must find a way to forgive you for such a blatantly offensive—

"Just a pillow, Yukina. I don't need blankets when I sleep."

Your chest collapsed in joy.

XXX

Both you and your brother didn't sleep. It was almost two in the morning.

You both lay down on your backs, staring at the ceiling, neither of you saying a word to each other.

The silence was unspeakably eerie so you shattered it. "Are you sure you don't feel chilly? I got plenty of room here in my blanket."

Whatever made you suggest that was beyond disgraceful, you thought, but Hiei didn't seem to mind. He answered. "I'm conceived by fire, if you remember, I never feel cold, Yukina. And you don't either, last time I checked."

"That's a very good point." You sighed. "I guess I was looking for an excuse to—oh no, never mind."

"Ah." He simply said for no particular reason. He paused for several seconds and then he asked. "So why aren't you sleeping?"

"I just don't know how to anymore."

"Since when?"

"Since you're lying beside me, too real for comfort."

"I should go then?" he inquired.

"No, this is nice." Silence ensues once more.

"Okay, um, Hiei?" You squirmed and brought yourself closer beside him. He stayed still, eyes gazing blankly in the ceiling. He didn't move a muscle, he didn't tense up. So you searched for his hand, found it, held it. You waited for five minutes before you shifted to your left so you could look at him this time.

"I have so many questions to ask." You began. "So can I?"

Hiei coughed abruptly and his hand remained unresponsive to you but you held it anyway, your palms and fingers touching.

"How did you survive being thrown into a cliff?"

Your brother continued to address the ceiling. "A bandit found me. I was raised by thieves since then. Until I got too messed up for their own sake that they've also abandoned me. And then I was alone again."

"When—um, I bet you're a swordsman at a young age. So when did you—start, um, using your skills to render violence?"

"I killed for no principles. I just like the screams and the blood." There was a distinct sound of foreboding in his statement that made you shiver. But you gulped your apprehension and held onto his hand tighter. He still didn't hold back.

"What happened to you while you were alone?"

"I kill."

"Just that?"

"I train to get stronger."

"And when did you decide to have the Jagan implanted?"

"I was bored one day and I wanted to find the glacial village and kill all of you." He replied in a monotone that you recognized. He was trying to hide something. Should you pursue that, make him tell you? You knew you can coax him. You just have to be braver and firmer.

"Just like that? Bored and murderous for the home you never had?"

He said nothing.

"And what about the tear gem? I knew you had the necklace back then. When did you lose it?"

"I guess I wanted to find that too so I got the Jagan."

"You said you wanted to kill the glacial people but why didn't you once you got there? What did you do?" You were getting nearer the truth and you pressed on the thick glass some more. "Were you ever aware of my existence back then?"

"That woman told me about you, about Hina."

You closed your eyes. "Hina; she was gone even before I could remember what she looked like. Our mother was very depressed when she lost you."

Hiei finally looked at you. Your eyes stayed glued on each other. It was his turn to ask. "And why did you come looking for me? You said you wanted that frigid hellhole destroyed too, as I recall you telling me. Why would you want that?"

You blink away the tears falling. He can see them but he didn't say anything to make them go away. You answered. "I wanted them all dead because everything I was back then was a lie. My mother lived a lie until she couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know her. And I didn't know you. Just imagine, and which I know you can: not knowing the two people in your life you could have loved."

Hiei looked away first. He didn't hold your hand back, he didn't acknowledge your tears. He said. "I don't imagine it. I don't have to imagine it. It's there. And that's that."

"You ever get sad and scared? You know, feel so small, so irrelevant?" You wiped your tears with the hand you were holding his with. When you did, it was his hand that touched your face and took the tear gems away.

Your brother looked at you again, eyes curious, as if he finally can see your eyes blurred by the precious stones. You said. "Listen to me, whining about how I feel when you must have felt worse. It's just that I feel like the only way I could get through you is if I bear my misery and then maybe you'll bear me yours. But I get it now, Hiei, you are strong. You know how to deal with it and you just keep moving forward. You were..."

You can't help it, you have shattered too much silence between the two of you. "...the lucky one. You were the lucky one, brother. It sounds like I'm patronizing you but it's true. You cut yourself from your past and chose not to be burdened by it. While here I am, loathing the way I feel was lost and hoping so bad I can find it back. So stupid. So silly of me."

And you laughed while crying. Hiei gripped your hand at last. You just kept going, letting it all out, and emptying what is already empty. "I wasn't even the one who got disposed of. I wasn't even the one who had to kill to survive. And when I got caught as merchandise for the human trade, there is this ugly voice in my head saying that, since I am such a drama queen, I deserved it. Maybe I did. I was always feeling sorry for having a mother who killed herself for a brother I never knew. Story of my life, it's pathetic. I'm sorry, I'm crying again and I just—"

Hiei pulled you up from under the covers until both of you were sitting now, his arms wrapped around you for support. He said nothing and you can see through your watery eyes that his face was inscrutable. But all of this, from his arms around you to his blank expression, was comfortable.

"Our mother loved you enough to kill herself for you." You cried out. "And sometimes I blame you for that. I didn't even know you and she seemed to have loved you more. Because she could have lived for me but she chose to die for you instead."

You sobbed quietly into his shoulder for about half an hour, judging by how many pearls are scattered on the mattress. Your eyes are sore and shut and his arms bound you, his lips grazing your scalp as he breathes out.

You hear your brother saying something and you tried to focus on his words. "We don't have to pretend like nothing is broken. We don't have to restore anything or build something else. We can just have this. And live with it."

"Together?" You wished with all your might he'll say yes. He didn't. He just embraced you protectively until you slept. The sky outside turns sallow with tiny cracks of light appearing inside the clouds. You slept.

XXX

Genkai found you and your brother tangled up together in the futon. Somewhere during the commotion, you both collapsed into formless entities still holding onto each other. You were half-awake by then as you could feel Genkai fixing the blankets draping on you two. Hiei had an arm secure behind your back as he held your hand with the other. You felt your foreheads pressed together.

Genkai was wishing both of you peace before she left. When you smiled, another tear gem rolls down your cheek and crystallized into a bright orb of blue. You have hope now. And you and your brother will have this, live with it.