AN: I am soooooooooo sorry. Right after the first chapter college kicked my ass making ot impossible for me write anything or even have a social life for what matters. As soon as college was over a flew to Paris in a week all for myself. But now I'm back and with some time to write. So I will try to post more often. If there is anyone left reading this stuff I hope the long chapter makes up for my absence.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I wish I did but I don't.

Tears in heaven

I woke up in the morning from a restless sleep and a disturbing nightmare not knowing what day it was. The sun was peeking through the slightly open curtains casting its glow across de walls just like any regular day in Phoenix. But today didn't seem like just any other day. Something was different.

Why hadn't Jared come up? Had I fall asleep on the porch and Jared carried me upstairs?

It didn't seem right but my mind couldn't remember when or how I got to my bedroom.

I reached for my cell phone to check the time and what I saw made me gasp. It was only 9am but I had slept through two whole days.

Why would I fall asleep when I was waiting for Jared to bring me ice cream and make me company? It didn't make sense. I wasn't one of those people who could sleep pretty much anywhere so it was very unlikely for me to be out in the hard wood of the porch.

Confused I rose up from bed with my eyes burning and my skin feeling dry. As I turned the bathroom lights on and looked in the mirror a flash of a girl covered in blood crossed my eyes. I jumped back with a scream but as I looked again there was only me staring back.

However my mind wasn't playing tricks on me and like a morbid snowball everything came crashing back.

The pouring rain…

A set of headlights…and a second one…

A sound of metal bending…

A scream…

Jared…

Skin covered in blood…

A whisper…I'm sorry…

And then silence…deafening silence…

Scared of the dark images I immediately ran back towards my bedroom grabbing my phone and dialling Jared's number. Something told me this wasn't just a fucking nightmare.

I needed to hear his voice. I need to know that everything was alright, that he hadn't abandoned me like everyone else seemed to be doing nowadays.

"What's up? This is Jared. I'm too lazy to pick up the phone and I don't care. You know the drill." Beep.

This was not what I wanted. I didn't want his stupid voicemail message. I wanted his scruffy voice groaning just like when I would wake him up. Getting annoyed with me for calling at such an early hour. I would get anything. He could even be angry and scream obscenities at me for not waiting up for him. I just wanted to hear his voice, make sure the images weren't more than flashes of a scary nightmare.

I shot up from my bed where I had sat and took the fastest shower in my whole life. I knew that even after that I looked awful but right now I couldn't care how red my skin was nor how big the bags under my eyes were. I needed to see him.

After tossing some old jeans and t-shirt I ran downstairs nearly falling over my feet on the last two steps. My mom was there, in the kitchen, all dressed in black and with a sad look across her face. But when her eyes looked up to me the pity I saw there tore me open.

This couldn't be happening!

"Honey…" she started, but I already knew what she was going to say and I was not prepare to face the truth, so I interrupted her.

"Can't talk right now I have to go find Ja…" I wasn't accepting what happen but somehow I wasn't able to say his name out loud…like it didn't represent the same carefree guy I knew. My mind was protecting me from the pain sure to come just for a few more moments.

"Bella, please listen to me…"

"No!" I screamed like a spoiled teenager with tears already forming in my eyes.

I needed to get out of there before I collapsed. I needed to see with my very own eyes what my mind was slowly telling me. The bricks holding everything together were being torn apart, becoming with each passing second closer to ruins. But those tiny bricks were giving away to dust and even that was being carried away by the wind. I wouldn't hold on much longer, the truth was already creeping up on me.

I ran out the front door to my car and turned the music loudly to muffle my thoughts while driving. But the images kept popping in my head. I broke the speed limit and didn't give a shit, all I could think was getting to him. The only image I wanted right now in my head was me hugging Jared while he soothed me saying that everything was okay. His smile or even seeing his sprawled body across the bed with his snoring filling the air. But I knew that were just vague memories from the past. When the truth was already too close not even my mind could protect me from the upending pain.

The normal fifteen minutes of driving to Jared's house only took me five and as I parked I could see the black silhouette of his parents talking with some two guys in a suit by the front door. Against my better judgment I got out of the car slowly making my way to them. As I got closer I could hear pieces of the business like conversation but as Jared's mom noticed me she stopped talking. Her tired and pained eyes bored into mine with a slightly shocked expression across her features. She obviously wasn't expecting me. Through my blurry vision I saw her husband wrap his arm protectly around her waist as she started to cry. Only when I got out of the car did I notice the salty tears running down my face and with each step I took towards the now strange house they only got stronger.

One of the men in the suit continued to speak not noticing my presence.

"We need for you to sign some papers before claming Jared's body from the morgue Mr. Stroke. Everything related to a funeral may be arranged by the hospital if you would like so…" but his voice faded away when his partner motioned in my direction.

The truth struck me like a ton of bricks. What my mind and heart slowly were trying to show me didn't prepare me to face the cruel reality of what happened. My knees gave up and I collapsed to the ground sobbing loudly from the agonizing pain. I covered my face with my hands; I couldn't look at Jared's parents in the eyes after what I had done. In a second Mrs. Stroke was wrapping me in her arms while she also cried her heart out. I felt even guiltier. Here was his mother trying to comfort me when I was the one responsible for her son's death. But I didn't have the strength to shake her off. She needed this as much as I did and I wouldn't take another thing away from her, so I did the only thing I could - I hugged her back.

I heard Mr. Stroke's footsteps getting closer to us and I felt his hand on my back but instead of making me feel better his touch only made me cry more. His only son, his legacy was forever gone. There was no one left to carry the Stroke's name. Only a cold stone would hold it in the future.

What felt like hours passed but the tears wouldn't subside. The sound of tires moving against the gravy ground alerted us to the fact that the two suited guys were leaving. That only made me replay their words in my head which brought another round of fresh tears.

Eventually Mr. Stroke made us get up and go inside. Though the tears had stop for the time being they were only looking for a reason to come back again. I was fighting the lump in my throat and the prickling in my eyes.

Jared's father gave each of us tissues and brought tea all the while readjusting something on the coffee table. Just like I so often did he was keeping himself busy and distracted from the break down it was sure to come. He was trying to be strong but I could see the ache in his eyes. The constant clearing of his throat was giving him away. Just like us he was fighting the tears. No one was speaking, afraid to say the wrong thing. Afraid that some few simple words would remind us of everything. But the pain was never gone. The reality of our solitude was around us, screaming at our faces, making it hard to ignore. It enveloped us with its tight chocking hold making it impossible to resist.

My eyes wandered over the living room where I had stayed countless times but today it seamed unfamiliar.

I slowly got off the couch and my feet carried me to the fireplace, adorned with family photos. A younger Jared was smiling back at me with a huge grin that showed his missing tooth and his only dimple. The photographs were like an evolution of this family through the years until last Christmas and the thought that this tradition was abruptly stopped made the pain tight his hold on me.

The colours on the wall looked dull, the pictures looked lifeless and the smell of loss was in the air. I felt awkward around the people I once considered a second family. I couldn't make it much longer without crying. I was being brave in front of Mr. and Mrs. Stroke but my braveness was slipping away. Everything was too fresh on my mind and heart. But I had to keep my eyes dry for a few more moments…As much as it hurt me I needed to know the specifics of the memorial.

"When is it?" I asked in a whisper afraid of breaking the silence. None of them needed to ask what, they knew what I was referring to.

"Things are being arranged and the funeral will probably be tomorrow." Mr. Stroke managed to say while he sat down next to his wife and pulled her into his chest. She was crying again, quietly this time though the tight fist holding his husband shirt demonstrated the difficulty of keeping her sobs down. I turned around and kept my eyes trained on the pictures in front of me. Their pain was making it hard for me to be composed.

But the word didn't seem right. Funeral. That was something Renee said she was going when a friend's mother had died, it was not something I would deal personally. But this year I was getting more acquainted with its meaning than I would like to. It was the third time it was making its appearance now, taking away person by person out of my life, tearing my heart apart piece by piece.

But then an old memory crossed my mind.

It was one of those late afternoons that Jared, Emmett and I used to get high. We were on our usual spot, all three of us sitting in the hood of Jared's car listening to the blues of Robert Johnson while Jared played air guitar to the "Crossroad Blues" accords. Everything was peaceful as always, the sun setting in the horizon and the city lights starting to illuminate the streets below.

"I'm gonna have a young tragic death..." He let it linger for a moment. "Like these devil's pact makers. You know the blues' players who only lived like ten years but were fucking successful. I want to be cremated though…" his stoned voice trailed off.

First Emmett and me stared at him shocked by his affirmation but when he started to talk of pacts and the devil we couldn't help to crack up. He sure as hell had been watching too many Supernatural reruns. His eyes and movements showed how high he was but his expression and voice were taking a too serious tone. Emmett made crude jokes about what he was going to ask for in exchange of his soul and although I was crying from laughing so hard Jared was getting annoyed for not being taken serious. But Jared was never able to be mad at us for long and before we knew it he was laughing along with us turning the mood back into its normal playfulness. As we came back from our high and got out of the hood of the car the seriousness once again took over his face and he said "You'll see I'm fucking right." I turned my face away trying to hide sad look on my face. At that moment I couldn't even imagine my life without one of them but today I was facing the worst of my nightmares, both of them left me alone. I could see a flash of worry pass through Emmett's face but he quickly masked it with a wide smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"So that means I can get your baseball cards?" he laughed it off. Jared smiled and nodded his head while wrapping his arm around Emmett's broad shoulders. He barely reached his hand at the right shoulder of his huge best friend.

"Of course you can. And just because you're such a great friend I will even leave in the will my lucky baseball bat just for you!" His voice was like he was talking to a little kid that was getting rewarded for being well behaved. Emmett was a child, a muscular 6'4 inches tall one but a child nonetheless. He beamed at Jared like he had win the lottery. My loud laugh broke them from their little moment and Jared's attention was then focused on me.

"Oh don't worry Bells I will also leave you something in my will. I will let you keep Mr. Wiskers."

"What?" I asked a little too loud from shock. "You're giving me your mother's fucking cat?"

"Yes…It's a huge responsibility that I can only trust you to keep him. Plus he likes you more than my mother." He said with a mock tone.

"Why do I get all the work and Emmett gets all the fun? I don't think it's fair." I whined crossing my arms across my chest a pouting like a four year old.

"Oh so adorable our little Bella…Ok I will let you have my playboys magazines and maybe, just maybe my porn video collection." He winked at me. I flipped him off and Emmett panicked.

"Fuck dude! Don't you dare commit such a crime! I will keep them in my safe, their worth a lot man!" He begged Jared.

"Yeah their worth long hours of jacking off to busty naked sluts that's what their worth you fucking perverts…" I scowl at them. They both just nodded eagerly at me. "You guys are disgusting…"

"Hey don't be jealous I bet you also look hot naked." Jared wiggled his eyebrows at me while I blushed. But his attempts of seduction didn't last long because Emmett punched him ihard in the arm making him stumble to the side.

"Watch it! It's my sister you're talking about asshole!" Emmett warned while Jared kept rubbing his arm trying to ease the pain.

"I was just kidding man…Jeez. No need to be such a bully." I laughed all the while, the menacing look of Emmett and the hurt on Jared were just too amusing.

"Don't laugh! This is all your fault and you know Emmett punches pretty fucking hard." Jared tried to get mad at me but failed miserably. The corners of this mouth were twisting trying to fight the urge to crack a smile. I just kept laughing at him until he swept me off the ground to his shoulder catching me off guard. I squeak escaped my mouth and I held onto his back like a life line afraid of him dropping me while he skipped around the car. Emmett and Jared's loud laughs were filling the air and soon they contaminated me while my blood was quickly rushing to my head making my face red like a tomato. Finally Jared opened the back seat door gave me a light slap on the ass and set me down. My face was still fiery red from being upside down as I tried to catch my breath.

"Don't worry darling you will always have my most important possession." Jared whispered in my ear and kissed my cheek with such sweetness that through me out the loop. My mouth couldn't articulate any word and my mind was working overtime trying to decipher the hiding meaning behind that small sentence. I searched his masculine face and his brown eyes but his expression was guarded and he simply smiled at me not revealing anything further.

The next day Jared appeared at school with three sealed envelops, one with my name on it, another with Emmett's and the last one address to his parents.

"These envelopes are about what we talked last night. I'm not giving them now to you but I'm showing them so you know they are real. I wasn't kidding when I said I want to be cremated. I don't want any grave with a stone on top with my name on it, just my ashes with each one of you for you to do with it whatever you want. Maybe spread it across the sea, like the movies." He chuckled remembering some scene from a stupid chick flick. I was gaping at him, too shocked to express my feeling. Last night I really thought it was the weed speaking. "The envelops will be on the first drawer of my nightstand, I will let you know if I change them to somewhere else."

"What the fuck? Stop fucking talking like that! You're scaring the shit out of us." Emmett said while shaking Jared's body trying to convey some sense into him.

"What?" He asked confused. "I'm not dying anytime soon shithead. I'm just making sure everything is done like I would want to after I die." I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding and quickly hugged him.

"Don't scare us like that and don't even mention your death again Jared." I pleaded him still keeping my arms around his waist and my head on his chest. His arms around my shoulders tightened his hold and he said "I was just taking care of the future. I didn't mean it like that. I will never abandon you."

But he lied. He didn't know how true his first statement about death had been. He died young in fact. Too young. Because of a stupid self-centred girl who wanted company and a pint of ice cream.

After that day we never heard of the letters again. He didn't mention it and we certainly didn't bring up the issue.

"Did you say funeral?" I asked to be sure.

"Yes…why?" Mr. Strike asked me with a confused expression on his face. I needed to tell them he didn't want a funeral. It was the least I could do, fulfil Jared's wish although he was high when he made the decision. I needed to find the letters he had written and deliver the one to his parents. Despite knowing it was the right thing to do I still stammered when I spoke.

"I…He…I don't think J…Jared wanted a funeral."

"What? What are you talking about Bella?" My statement brought Mrs. Stroke's attention back. Her blotched face was a mix of confusion and shock with her rimmed eyes impatiently looking at me for the answer.

"A while ago Jared joked about when he would die and started talking about what he was leaving with whom. At the time we thought he was joking. Me and Emmett made fun of him, even bringing him up to laugh at what he was talking about. We were worried but since he was never depress or something we considerate it a lame joke." I paused looking up from my hands that were fidgeting with the hem of my ratty shirt to Jared's parents. Their faces showed disbelieve but their eyes were seeking for more, for me to get to the point. With a heavy sigh I slowly continued.

"But the next day he showed up at school with the actual letters and made us promise to go look for them when the time came. I freaked out from the way he was talking about but he kept reassuring us that he was just looking out for the future and nothing more. He never mentioned the letters again and we forgot about it altogether. There was…until now." Tears were continually streaming down Mrs. Stroke cheeks. She didn't even bother to wipe them anymore. They never ceased.

"I think I know where they are. He wrote one for me, another for Emmett and a last one for you." I gently said. I knew it was going to kill me to be inside Jared's room without him there making crude jokes and playing video games with Emmett but someone needed to do it and none of his parents needed to go through that kind of pain this early.

"Please go and bring it to us darling. I don't have the strength anymore…" She leaned her head on her husband's chest with a trembling sigh escaping her lips. Mr. Stroke pleading eyes were looking at me asking me to be the brave one he could no longer be, to take control of the situation for a few minutes. He was also at his limit. My decision was already made and the hurt consuming me would have to wait for a few more days before swallowing me whole.

I nodded my head and silently made my way to the stairs. A memory of the three of us sliding down the staircase on top of a mattress laughing all the way crossed my mind making me hesitate on the first step. That was the cause of a little scar on my left knee when the landing didn't go according to plan and I banged my leg on some furniture. Most of the marks I have in my skin where thanks to our stupid activities to pass the time, but now that I thought of each single one of those scars I could only think of them with endearment. They were like little marks of the time of us three together, time that would never be the same.

The hallway was dark and the wood floor creaked with each step I took. The lack of light never stopped me from finding Jared's room on the end of the hall, but today was making it difficult to reach the blue painted door. I was blaming it on the light but in reality was my own body that was find it hard to take the necessary steps. I was dreading the emptiness I knew that was expecting me on the other side.

Reaching my destination my hand came up to knock in a unconscious act. But I stopped myself before my knuckles made contact with the wood. I had never knocked on his bedroom door before, I usually just open it like it was my own, I had even caught him once making out with one of the cheerleaders on his bed. One of those very ones that later started a rumour about me, excluding me from the team and reducing my friends only to Emmett and Jared. Not once, even after that heavy make out session, had I knocked. But this morning everything was different and the unfamiliar feeling I felt by being in this house, was leading me to knock, to ask permission to enter a stranger's bedroom.

I hesitated with my hand on the door knob. I closed my eyes I imagined that nothing had changed. That Jared was inside of that room, waiting for me to come in and to make a comment on the poor wardrobe selection I had made that morning. I could almost hear him "Back to the boy look? It doesn't look like the little Bella I know…What happen to the latest fashionable clothes you bought? Have you ruined them again doing the laundry?" I smiled, still with my eyes closed and the image of Jared's face teasing me. The last time I had worn this old jeans and t-shirt I had done just that - ruined a whole weekend worth of shopping doing the laundry.

Since puberty my sense of fashion had evolved from the jeans and loose boyish t-shirts to something more flattering. I was starting to notice boys and wanted them to notice me the same way. Jared and Emmett used to make fun of me when I started to were makeup, but the compliments I was getting from my girlfriends and the looks I was starting to get from some of the boys made me ignore the two constant ones in my life. The fact that Renee was delightful with my new found interest in these girly issues made me proud of myself since she was always so sad about the influence Emmett and Jared had on me.

But the silence surrounding me wasn't helping my dream, calling me back to reality. Like ripping a bandage aid off I tored open the door. The sun was peaking out between the half closed curtains, casting a yellow glow around the room making the blue painted walls look like a light green. His boyish scent mixed with a hint of incense and tobacco assaulted my nostrils and for a moment I thought he was really there by me side. But as quickly as the feeling came it was gone leaving me with the pain that accompanied the quiet room.

As always his room was a complete mess, things scattered around the floor and desk. The walls were covered with surf and Bob Marley posters. His old surf board stood proudly against the wall to the righ of his desk. His bed was unmade like he had just get out of bed and the wall behind it had the same confusion of photographs as always.

Neither of his parents had ventured entering the room yet. The tangled sheets broke my soul a little more because it reminded me of whose fault it was that he wasn't right there with me. I was the one who had wakened him up. I was the one who made him get out of bed. I was the one that made him drive in the storm. I was the only one that had him killed. Me and only on me was the responsibility of this void. The searing pain was slicing me open more than I could handle it. The guilt…He wasn't supposed to die. He was the always strong and smiley Jared. I was the weak one. I was the one that always needed someone to be there for me. Just like on the first day at school, holding my hand. His fault was always being there. Like a big brother he would leave everything behind for me. Just like Emmett he was too protective of me and I was too selfish to renounce my needs.

My body couldn't hold me up any longer and I curled up in a tiny ball at the end of his bed. I covered myself with his sheet and buried my face in his pillow inhaling the familiar scent. I soaked the fabric with my never ending tears as I continued sobbing while looking at the pictures on the wall. I recognised each and every one of them. They all featured the three of us, either separately or in group. Each important date was represented like every prom and every football game. There were pictures of the two boys in their football equipment laughing with the team or make silly faces covered in dirt. There were also pictures of me in the cheering outfit during my short career being part of the cheerlead squad. Me on the day of prom with a blue dress and a corsage of white flowers on my wrist. Me on the first time I time I smoked coughing up so badly that Emmett had to pat my back all the while laughing at me. Me and Jared in one of the very lame dance contests as he called them. But then there were my favourite ones, those of the three of us just laughing and making silly faces, those were the ones that gave me more peace.

During the entire time my eyes travelled the wall the tears never stopped running nor the sobs ceased. Too many emotions were crossing my heart and I didn't want to leave that spot on the bed where I felt his presence surrounding me. And although reality was sure to come get me I just needed a few more moments to bask in the last pieces of the past because I knew once I walk out of that door I would never be brave enough to step foot in the room again.

Minutes after, sounds from downstairs brought me back to the harsh light of day and the fact that Jared's parents were waiting for me to get the letter. Reluctant I tossed the sheets to the side and scrambled to my knees reaching to the nightstand to the right. Just like he had told us a couple of years back there they were, mocking me with their white paper and Jared's weird calligraphy.

I grabbed the three envelope volume and just looked at it, the light weight of it heavy on my hands. I grabbed mine with the intention of reading it but as soon as I my eye caught the name scrawled in black ink across the envelope I knew whatever words it contained inside, they would bring me to my knees with despair, pain and guilt. I couldn't do it right there and then. I wasn't ready. I wasn't brave enough. So I just caressed the texture left in the paper with the tip of my fingers. Lightly losing me in the sensation it cause in my skin while I gazed at the dejected guitar. It stood in the left corner of his room next to the window and I wondered if Emmett would keep it since he was the very one who gave it to Jared.

And for the first time in hours my thoughts skipped to Emmett and his feelings. I had been thinking of him all this time, seeing him in memories and photos but only on that moment did I ask myself where he was and how he must feel. Like always I was centred in myself and my pain alone, not even remembering my brother. But the concern I felt for Emmett was stronger than the ache I felt so I quickly pulled myself together wiping the few tears that remained. I casted a last long look at the room before stepping out and closing the door behind me with the envelopes in hand.

The descent was much faster than the ascent and I swiftly entered the kitchen where I fond Mr. and Mrs. Stroke sitting on the high stools each of them with a steaming cup in their trembling hands. Their eyes were glossy probably reliving memories in their minds in a heavy silence. I needed to alleviate the weight in my hands so I quietly walked in front of them and carefully placed their envelope on top of the counter. Both their gazes drop on that piece of paper like it contained the most valuable thing in the world. And to us it truly had.

I silently squeeze both their hands, one at the time and left. That moment was too private for me to pry and I knew I couldn't deal with much more today. My mind and soul were worned out but it still had space to worried about Emmett because as strong as he seamed to look he was too soft inside, he had a heart of gold that by this time was already torn in pieces.

The drive home was slow and silent, the sunshine hurting my eyes with its brightness. How could it be possible that a day full of light and freedom would cause me so much pain?

I entered another silent house and a note was waiting for me on the fridge.

Went to get Emmett at the airport. Please eat the leftovers in the fridge sweetie, it will do you good. We'll be back in no time.

Love you,

Renee

I wasn't hungry and I sure as hell didn't feel like eating leftovers especially from one of Renee's experiences. God knows she couldn't cook to save her life.

I collapsed in the sofa bring my knees as close to my chest as possible and my hands to my heart. The envelopes were still in my hands, now a bit crinkled from never letting go of them, not even when driving back to the house. The ticking of a clock somewhere inside the house was the only sound corrupting the silence.

It wasn't its natural state. I associated home with noise, music, chaos and warmth. The loud noises of Emmett, either cursing when playing playstation or simply just being his natural self. The music blaring through the speakers on my room, with me singing along in my terrible voice or dancing around the room. The chaos of Renee's lack of organization, with her magazines, clothes and pretty much everything scattered on every available surface. And finally the warmth that surrounded us whenever we went, from the early hours of the morning until the high hours of the night. A gentle brize that during the day did nothing to alleviate the suffocating heat.

Today the only thing that stayed the same was Renee's disorganization. The noise and music were missing and even the familiar warmth was replaced by a cold wind despite the sun never leaving its position. It seemed like the calm before the storm type of scenario. But although the storm had already passed, I knew the consequences would linger forever.

Eventually sleep overtook me but with it came the replay of that rainy night. The pain was more present than ever leading me through the slow motion scenes, knowing how it was going to end and every time being unable to stop death.

Sometime during my restless sleep I felt my body being carried to bed by Emmett. I was trembling and grabbing his shirt with all my strength.

"Sssshhhhh Bella. It's just me. Go back to sleep." He kissed my forehead and just like that I was home again.

Next morning I woke up curled up next to Emmett on my bed. I hadn't let go of his shirt and he hadn't let go of me. For a moment it seemed like one of those times when I was little and had nightmares. Emmett would hear me scream and come to sooth me eventually falling asleep with me in bed. But this time I wasn't dreaming I was actually living a nightmare.

I looked at my nightstand and the numbers said it was too early in the morning to be up but I could no longer sleep and the disposed envelopes on the table were disturbing me. I needed to get out of bed.

Emmett was sound asleep and I was able to extract myself from his grip without waking him up. He hadn't changed his clothes still sleeping in jeans and a shirt and the dark circles under his eyes showed how much he needed to rest. I knew the day was going to be too hard on both of us so I quietly made my way out trying not to trip on anything or making any noise to disturb him.

The house was once again too quiet and all its calmness was making me feel too alone. I turn on the kitchen tv and adjusted the volume to a nice background hum. I wasn't interested in a new vacuum that cleaned curtains. I just wanted some kind of sound to break the silence.

I made coffee and leaned against the counter watching the images on the television not really paying attention to what was on. I don't know how long I stood there seeping the coffee and gazing at the television but the sun was slowly getting higher in the sky and the once hot dark liquid was now cold. Renee was startled by my presence in the kitchen as I was by hers since I hadn't heard her come down. For some long seconds we just stood there, my brown eyes looking at a pair of blue ones filled with concern. Neither of us sure of what to say.

She quickly snapped back to reality and in three short steps she was enveloping me in a fierce motherly hug full of love. At first contact I tensed trying to fight the tears but it was a losing battle. I silently cried in my mother shoulder with my arms around her, one hand clutching the fabric of her tank top and the other still holding the coffee mug. She was rubbing soothing circles on my back while whispering gentle words in my ear.

It was usually me that calmed her when her latest boyfriend would leave her. We were more friends than mother and daughter because Renee's free spirit was never able to turn her into a responsible and stable human being. Sometimes I was the mother and she the rebel teenager but not today. Today I felt like a lost child seeking comfort and reassurance and despite all the times she would forget us, this time she was there for me.

I didn't hear a word she said to me, not even when she made me look at her. My mind wasn't focusing on anything. But heard Emmett heavy steps entering the kitchen. I shrugged Renee's hands off my shoulders, put down the mug and ran to him. As soon as my eyes locked with his I saw an agonizing pain reflected in his blue colour. I hugged him around the waist with all my strength and he hugged me back in a bone crushing embrace. I didn't care how hard it was to breathe like that, I just relived in how warm he was, how strongly his arms were protecting me and how I was home again. I could feel how vulnerable we both were by how we were clinging to each other. I was now sobbing loudly and soaking his crumpled shirt. He was silent taking long quivering breathes and hunched over me with his cheek resting on the top of my head.

For a long moment all I could hear was my cries, his breathes the thumping of his heart beneath his chest and the faint sound of the television. We both slowly calmed down loosening the grip we had on each other but never completely letting go. We were each other supporter.

The day slowly dragged reaching its end in the same manner as it passed. Silent. Emmett didn't made his usual jokes or crude commentaries. I didn't protest about anything and I wasn't sarcastic. I knew Emmett had read the letter Jared's addressed to him because the envelope was torn open and lied empty beside the still sealed one on the nightstand. A part of me was full of curiosity to know what laid inside but the other part was full of fear. He didn't offer. I didn't ask.

Both of us spent the entire day seated on the couch with our gazes focused on the meaningless show on the television and our minds focused on the past. Neither of us spoke nor moved. We just stood still for the entire day. Me with my head resting on Emmett's chest and he with his massive right arm resting across the back of the sofa. The shadows grew longer on the floor and a warm glow of yellows and oranges swallowed the room.

I jumped in surprise when Warrant's Cherry Pie started blaring through Emmett's cell phone breaking our lethargy. Emmett hastily retrieved the offending piece from his front pocket and stood up with it already by his ear.

"Rosalie…" he sighed visibly more relaxed just by answering the phone. That name was by now familiar to me. I had heard it for the first time a day after Emmett had reached Forks. He had called me completely out of himself rambling angrily about a devious woman who had hit his car. I had put him on speaker phone so Jared could hear the idiocy of my big brother and we laughed like crazies at his cost.

"I was minding my own way trying to park the car on that hell hole of high school when I actually found a decent parking space to fit Bessie. You know that piece of shit his old as hell but it still works and takes a lot of space. Next thing I know BAM!" His loud voice in tune with his fist hitting the table making both Jared and I jump. "A blood red convertible BMW is hitting me on the side. Obviously haven't seen me going for the same spot. Fucking blondie! So she just strolls out of the car like a hurricane and starts to scream at me poking me in the chest with her manicured nail. Who the hell does she think she is? I fought back. Like I would keep my mouth shut? Yeah right! But queen bitch over there just kept getting angrier and angrier. Dude I never seen a hot piece of ass like that look so scary. I tried to make her a compliment, you know. Like nice hair, awesome rack…the usual you know." Yeah my brother was a crass. He didn't have a filter. "Man I saw it coming. Suddenly her eyes were ablaze and she was trembling with fury. She kicked me in the nuts and left me there on the floor holding my boys. Shit that hurt!" And the one side conversation continued with Emmett practically shouting to the speaker and us whipping tears from our eyes due to laughing so much.

For the last two weeks all Emmett talked was that ice queen Rosalie but it wasn't with that fury from the first time. now he was saying how charming and intelligent she was although the casual hot and sexy were thrown in the mix. I had never heard my brother talk of some one like that. I knew he was slowly and unconsciously falling in love with her.

I looked up to him and saw a small smile tugging at his lips while he quietly talked to her by the window. I was happy for him. He already had great friends and a girlfriend in Forks. I was relieved that he didn't spend all his free time with Charlie. God knows I love him but the man can't hold a conversation for more than a minute unless is about football or his job. Despite knowing that Emmett missed us here in Phoenix I also knew that he was happier there. He had always been liked by everyone and he didn't have a problem adjusting to new places, unlike me. That was why he was never upset when Renee decided it was time for us to move again. He always did it with an excited smile on his face and me with a enormous frown. That constant travelling and readjusting lasted until I was in third grade. After arriving in Phoenix our mother just got sick of wandering around and liked the city enough to finally settle down.

Next morning came too soon and with it the reality check. Jared's memorial was in a couple of hours. His body had been cremated during the night. I was informed of this in the former day but refused to acknowledge what that entitled.

I mechanically took a shower, put on a simple straight cut dress that reached my knees with the stocking and heels that accompanied, put on some make up and did my hair in an intricate chignon full on pins. I still wanted to look good even if I was never going to see his face again. It was for him to see that I could still take care of myself and hoping to hear a crude joke about my ass or a funny comment about my choice of attire. It was a false hope I knew I was carrying and although I didn't believe in God and all of the heaven and hell deal, I liked to believe he was somewhere watching us.

When I carefully made my way down the stairs trying not to fall and reached the kitchen a sense of déjà vu took over me. Renee was once again in the kitchen, all dressed in black and with a sad look in her eyes while holding a cup of steaming coffee. As a entered the kitchen her eyes fell over me but my first instinct was to avoid the awkward conversation it was bound to happen just like it did on the last two times. I was tired of the reassurances and pity looks. I was tired of my own mother walking on eggshells around me like I was going to break. I wasn't strong, far from there actually. But I was not going to break at least not at that moment. That was meant to happen a few days after when I realise that everything doesn't go back to normal.

"Where is Emmett? His room was empty." I asked my mother placating her pity.

"Huuummm…He went out…" she carefully replied. Isn't that helpful. I knew she was keeping things from me by the way she stammered on her words and the vague answer given. She was also looking around and never focusing on me.

"You don't need to protect me mom. You know Emmett will tell me as soon as he comes through the door." She knew Emmett couldn't lie to save his ass especially to me.

"I know…" she sighed and reluctantly told me. "He went to Jar…to the Stroke's to get some stuff. Mrs. Stroke called him last night wanting for him to go there today before the funeral."

"It's not going to be a funeral." I corrected. "He hated those things." I added in a whisper as I abandoned the kitchen and went to wait outside.

The day was awful bright for such a morose moment. The dark blot in the Stroke's backyard didn't belong on a sunny day like those. The warmth liked our skins and made our black clothes feel like a sauna. It asked for fans, sunglasses and fresh drinks. All of those could be seen on the guests standing in the grass but everything felt out of place. This wasn't a get together nor it was a black themed party. It was a memorial for God's sake.

I stood against a tree far in the back beneath its refreshing shadow, my eyes surveying the memorial before me. It was taking too long. Jared's picture stood hanged in the front on the right side of the already filled urn, an enlarged version of a passport one. I had already analysed every trace of his features and every time I looked again I came to the same conclusion. It was an awful picture of him. His hair was too tamed, the collar of his shirt too smooth and his smile too fake. One by one, family and friends were stepping up to the tiny staged built for the occasion and were speaking of him. None of the descriptions seemed right. They didn't know him like we did. I knew I was supposed to go and walk down the memory lane just like everyone but I was selfish and wanted to keep those memories I had all for myself. Emmett also couldn't do it.

He had come home with two boxes of Jared's stuff and the beloved guitar. He dropped the boxes inside but kept the guitar in his hands, coming to sit beside me.

"Have you read the letter yet?" he simply asked, searching my eyes for the truth.

"No." I looked back at him before my eyes descended to the strings on the guitar, now perched on his lap.

"You really need to." He commented, his fingers absently playing with the strings making soft sounds.

"I don't think I will be able. I'm not ready to say goodbye yet." My voice cracking on the last words.

"I know sis…but I think it will give you some kind of peace." I didn't answer. I just kept my gaze on the strings as they continued to vibrate. "Besides…I have some things for you. Jared wrote me pretty much everything that is on yours and what he would want you to have." His gaze was focus on the concrete like it was the most interesting thing in the world. For a moment I thought he hadn't notice me whipping with the back of my hand a tear that had escaped and rolled down my cheek but the sounds coming from the acoustic guitar stopped and his massive hand came to rest above mine with a gentle squeeze of support. "I know little B…I know…" Was all he said in a quiet voice.

He now stood by my side under the shade of the tree dressed in a black suit that didn't match my brother's style at all with the guitar by his feet and my skinny left hand in his big right one. My huge sunglasses were hiding the rimmed and wet eyes but the trembling hand holding my clutch was giving me out.

One of Emmett and Jared's friend and team player slowly approached us afraid of our reaction.

"Are you ready man?" Anthony, I think was is name, asked with his hand on Emmett's shoulder. Emmett quickly looked at me and I nodded. I knew this was going to put the little strength I had left to the test but we had agreed to do it. Never letting go of my hand Em scooped the guitar from the grass and nodded to his team mate.

The bulky team was all already lined up on the little stage as well as a chair for Emmett in front of the two others where Mr. and Mrs. Stroke had been sit all this time. What we were about to do was corny as hell and if it was someone else's memorial I would be making jokes and laughing at their expenses. But today was all I was able to give. Nothing more nothing less.

Emmett sit down on the chair and positioned the guitar on his lap. I stood on his left and rested a hand on his shoulder supporting both of us for what was sure to come. The entire team stood behind us and it was ironic how the only song Emmett had learned to play would be so painfully appropriated for the occasion. The words would dilacerate each and everyone of us but it was all we could offer. Honour our dear friend through one of his passions, music.

A mic was in front of us but no one made an introduction. We would never be more prepared than when the first chords of "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton filled the air.

Would you know my name I started in my trembling voice.

If I saw you in heaven? The team joining me on the two questions.

Would you fell the same

If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong and carry on

Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven. Everybody joining us on the last words.

The rest of the song continued in a grave choir to which Emmett didn't join. His back was hunched, his head low and his eyes cast down. He was fighting the emotions, just like me. Every line in the song made me sing lower and lower until the lump in my throat was too big for me to keep singing.

I ventured looking up at Jared's parents but that only cut me deeper. Both of them had tears cascading down their faces clinging to one other for they were all they had left. I lost the battle I was fighting and I let the tears just roll freely ruining my makeup and staining my face with black blotches. I was keeping my eyes on Emmett hoping he didn't break down because I knew he would never forgive himself for showing such weakness in front of all of us. It was difficult for him to open up to someone, he could only show his true emotions to two people. Me and Jared. But now there was only me and though he didn't admit Emmett needed me more now than ever.

As the last chords of the guitar were played Emmett released a shaky breath. His strength was wearing thin. I squeezed his shoulder trying to show him I was still there but both of us wouldn't be able to stay much longer. I was glancing around looking for the closest escape route when my eyes fell again over Jared parents' faces.

With a soft nod of their heads they thanked us for this little piece of Jared in a motion meant only for the two of us and unnoticed by all the others.

One more time I apolagize for the massive delay. Please write me your thoughts =)