Sirius couldn't see a thing. He was stuck right at the back of the crowd and could barely hear the priest. They must have gotten a new one in since he was last here. The priest Sirius had grown up with had been a very old, very Irish man, who used to forget to put his teeth in and was completely unintelligible. The new priest had a nice voice, clear, deep and lilting, with a nice gravelly quality to it. The kind of voice he would normally describe as very sexy, had it not belonged to a priest. Specifically the priest at his own mother's funeral... He grumbled a little, under his breath.
"You think they'd let me watch my own mother get buried." He said it, then immediately regretted it. To his good fortune, no one turned around. He tried standing on his tip toes, but to no avail. All he managed to see was the top of the priest's head, and the man had a very dull haircut. There was the call for the silent round of the Lord's Prayer, which Sirius did not partake in, deciding instead to stare at his shoes and wonder if anyone will notice that they aren't real leather. He smiled a little, when he realised he'd probably never have to buy crappy, plastic shoes again. No more shit suits either. And he'd finally be able to get rid of that manky trench coat. No longer would people shout "Oi, Columbo rang, he wants his coat back" when he walked down the street on a rainy day.
Suddenly people were half mumbling a prayer around him and he snapped back to the present. Knowing that the ceremony was about to end Sirius decided that he should probably speak to Regulus before he buggered off. Oh God... What if someone took his photo? If he was spotted, his peace would be shattered, his identity would be dug up and... Maybe they'd be so disappointed he was just a scientist, they'd leave him alone...
What if Bellatrix saw him or Narcissa or Snape? Bound to make a comment on his cheap suit or his job. He didn't understand what these people had against science. It might not be as glamorous as poncing around on stage for a living, but it was fascinating and valuable and he was helping to unravel the mysteries of the universe!
Stupid, bloody, fucking showbiz family.
The crowd dispersed, spreading out around graveyard, some heading to their cars or beginning to walk up the street, presumably to the family home. Regulus was easy to spot, largely because he'd had the same hair cut since 1969 but mostly because he'd be the only person in the family that cared enough to be shaking with sobs. He'd always been their Mother's greatest defender.
Snape hovered awkwardly next to him, looking mildly irritated and embarrassed on Regulus' behalf.
Sirius shuffled toward his brother, head down and shoulders hunched, hoping that no one would come and speak to him. He could see Bellatrix, in her foul, ostentatious dress and veil eyeing him up with a smirk, Rodolphus frowning and hooking his arm around Bella's waist. She was at least three inches taller than him with the ridiculous heels she was wearing. They kept sinking into the grass, until she dragged Rodolphus onto the path, where she gave Narcissa a long hug and Draco a loud, showy kiss on the cheek. All for the cameras.
He made sure as much hair was covering his face, glad he'd decided against the hair cut last week.
Ignoring Snape completely, he mumbled a greeting to his brother, who moved his hand away from over his eyes and mumbled one back. God, Regulus looked like shit; face bright red, eyes swollen and shadowed. Looked like he'd been up all night crying.
He'd changed so much since Sirius had last seen him. He was so much taller. Not as tall as Sirius, but a tall man none the less. He was still thin, but no longer looked weedy; his finely cut suit was clearly covering muscle now, rather than the pure skin and bone he used to be. He had five o'clock shadow and his jaw was wider and his cheek bones were broader. Sirius blinked when he realised Regulus was the spitting image of their Father.
Sirius cleared his throat.
Regulus had always been sensitive. Very sensitive. It took him about three weeks to stop randomly bursting into tears after Margot, their Nanny, had taken him to see Watership Down for his birthday. Sirius shuffled under Regulus tearful stare and then again under the harsh glare Snape was giving him. He sighed to himself, looked over his shoulder, then threw his arms around his brother, expecting to be shoved away.
To his surprise, Regulus not only hugged him back, but buried his face in Sirius' shoulder and choked out a loud sob.
"Alright Regulus... Alright, you're going to be alright, calm down." He soothed. Snape rolled his eyes at Sirius; Sirius was not quite sure why he did. But he was never sure with Snape, anyway. Regulus had hold of him tightly, mumbling things that sounded like apologies into Sirius' shoulder.
"I know. It's alright. Come on Regulus, we'll get you back to the house." Regulus broke off the hug and laughed nervously.
"Sorry about your suit." He said. Sirius shrugged.
"Jacket only cost me a tenner. Borrowed the trousers from James a few years ago and never gave them back." Sirius said, smiling reassuringly.
"Wondered why they were stupidly short on you."
"Tall people trousers are too expen-" Someone tapped Sirius on the shoulder. He prepared an expression of disdain, expecting to turn around and see Malfoy or Bella. Instead, there stood the Priest. A tall man, with thick, tidy hair, light brown in colour. He had a friendly face, handsome in a scholarly sort of way. Though his individual features were nice, particularly the shy lopsided smile he wore, his looks suffered considerably from how run down he obviously was. He was pale and pinched and a bit shabby looking.
The priest's face, all of a sudden, clicked in his memory. It was like he'd found the right combination for a safe, that had been locked for over ten years, the cogs turning, the door swinging open and memories flooding out.
"Fuck me sideways." He said, aghast, "Remus Lupin."
He was a priest. Sirius knew he'd always been religious but... A priest? Remus, Remus Lupin, of all people, a priest?
"Erm... Hello." He said, smiling wider and shaking his head, "Sorry to... interrupt-"
"It's fine." Sirius said brightly, grinning. Remus looked a bit taken aback by his good cheer and enthusiasm.
"Ah, erm. I just wanted to. Say hello. Er..." Remus stammered. Sirius pulled him into a tight hug, laughing, half from shock and nerves, and half in genuine delight at seeing him.
"You're coming back to the house aren't you?" he said, releasing a now blushing Remus.
"Well I-"
"Of course you are, Father." Regulus piped up, nasally, "Mother was terribly fond of you, she'd want you there." Something else Sirius was shocked by. His mother had been fond of someone. His mother had been fond of Remus. Remus the Priest.
"Erm. Well of course then." Remus replied shyly, giving Regulus a sad smile.
"Brilliant. We can catch up a bit." Sirius continued brightly, "Once I'm done sorting things with..." he looked over his shoulder at Regulus "Yeah."
"Yeah. Alright. Okay. See you soon then?" Remus said, already beginning to shuffle back in the direction of the church.
"See you!" Sirius waved enthusiastically. He turned back to Regulus, who snorted and rolled his eyes.
"Let's go home, you daft git."
Regulus and Sirius left the guests down stairs. The help had put on a good spread and were serving drinks, which were disappearing at an alarming rate. They went into Regulus' bedroom, which was completely the room of an adult. A double bed, cream paint, book shelves and a tidy writing desk.
Sirius' room, which lay just down the hall, was frozen in time. It was covered in posters of girls and bands and motor bikes and behind them lay space man wallpaper. His duvet cover was a map of the night sky, bought for him by his sour old grandfather. He was a callous man, and despite his dislike of science, had been obsessed with astronomy, an obsession he passed on to his oldest Grandson.
Regulus perched on the edge of his bed, silently.
Sirius examined his book shelf, having forgotten how avid a reader his little brother had been. He smiled, when in amongst all the classic literature, he saw Regulus' dog eared collection of Roald Dahl books. On the book shelf, sat a small statue of the Virgin Mary and a rosary. A large crucifix hung on the wall above the writing desk.
Regulus cleared his throat, calling Sirius' attention.
"I'm sorry I never... That I didn't-" He began hesitantly. Sirius cut him off.
"It's okay, I understand. You. Couldn't." He mumbled. He joined Regulus on the bed, "Not with Father... With both of them, being the way they were." He said darkly. Regulus frowned at him.
"You shouldn't talk about her like that." He growled, his voice hoarse.
"Regulus, I know she's dead but... Come on." Sirius said, lightly nudging his brother. Regulus sighed.
"No, I mean obviously, when we were kids, she was..." He trailed off.
"An insane bitch." Sirius finished for him. Regulus frowned again, but found he couldn't really argue.
"... Yes. But... When Dad died. She sort of... had an epiphany." He said, unable to rid his voice of a stammer and a wobble. Sirius rolled his eyes.
"Whoop-dee-do for her." Regulus gave him an intense look, a look that begged him to be serious.
"She... Tried to kill herself, Sirius. Because of how guilty she felt about us. Thought everyone would just be better off if she was gone." Regulus' voice crack, tears had begun to run down his face again. Sirius felt like the bottom had dropped out of his stomach.
"But I caught her... Swallowing a bottle of her medication. And I called the doctor round and he pumped her stomach. Then she said that, from then on, she was going to be a good person. Started going to mass everyday. She got professional help as well and once they gave her new medication and all her mood swings stopped and... She was..." Regulus let out a high pitched sob, almost a laugh,
"Delightful. She was so sweet Sirius, but she couldn't bring herself to contact you. She didn't want you to reject her. She thought it would be easier for both of you if you just carried on hating her." His words had built up momentum and seemed to be pouring out of him at an alarming rate, the same rate that tears were pouring from his eyes.
Sirius couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. He'd always hated seeing his brother upset, but there was nothing worse than seeing a grown man cry. He put a comforting arm around Regulus' narrow shoulders. He felt a lump forming in his own throat, which caused his own words to become uneven.
"I didn't know that. If she'd... If she was different I wouldn't have. I mean, I'd have at least given her a chance." He mumbled. Regulus snorted.
"Would you really though? Really?" Sirius didn't reply. They both knew the answer, which hung, unspoken, between them, creating a long silence. Regulus kept sniffing and gulping air.
"She... It. She had a heart attack." He spoke again, suddenly "On the Monday. And she was bed ridden and half comatose and delirious... She kept asking for you. She said... She wanted you to know she was sorry." Regulus' voice was all over the place, he kept having to stop, to breathe in sharply, or give little, shuddering sobs,
"She loved you..." He said, with a sincerity that made Sirius' heart clench. "And that, she... No matter what, she... she always did."
Sirius felt his bottom lip wobble and his eyes sting. A painful lump formed in his throat.
"Look what you've done to me, you daft... Fucking hell." Sirius sighed, mock annoyed. Regulus laughed softly. "I'm not going to cry." He said aloud to himself. Realisation hit him like a train. He was on the verge of forgiving his mother.
He remembered his childhood. He remembered his childhood well. And it was shit. It was absolutely shit and that woman didn't deserve his forgiveness. She barely deserved his hatred.
The lump disappeared from his throat and he was filled, once again by anger. That comforting, familiar fury, that came so easily to him.
"I don't care if she had a sudden epiphany." He said, frankly. He felt Regulus stiffen. "An epiphany doesn't change that she treated us like shit for most of our lives."
"I know. But." Regulus wiped his eyes and shook his head. "This is why she didn't want to speak to you, you know." He snarled. "You're so pig headed. I know she was nasty and I know she treated us terribly but she, she did love us. She really tried to make it up to me." he flew into anger, flirted with his pent up sobs, then returned again to anger, "This is our mother we're talking about here, you callous bastard. Our dead mother. Who just left you ten million pounds." Sirius was shocked by how poisonous Regulus' voice was. A harsh, sharp reminder that he was no longer the squeaky, sensitive fourteen year old Sirius had last seen, but an adult.
"That doesn't... change. I-" Sirius stuttered. Regulus shook his arm away and stood, shoulders back, at his full height. When had Regulus become so tall?
"Look, I'm leaving you alone now, I won't repeat this to any one, as far as everyone will think, we're reconciled. Just don't even dare think about coming to speak to me until you sort your head out." He said, obviously being very careful not to raise his voice.
"I'm not going to forgive her." Sirius said forebodingly. Regulus pursed his lips tightly.
"It's the Christian thing to do." He spat, "Honour thy father and thy mother." Regulus was glaring demonically at him now; Sirius almost flinched when he saw how similar Regulus had become to their father. Especially with that face on.
Sirius matched the glare. Annoyed that Regulus had dragged religion in. He was hoping Regulus might have finally stopped believing in the religion their father had hammered into them as a child.
"I've got a fucking doctorate in astrophysics. That's a doctorate in, God doesn't fucking exist, Regulus." Regulus' eyes narrowed. "That line doesn't work on me any more." Sirius said defiantly. His brother's face softened, suddenly, oddly.
"You got a doctorate?" he enquired, raising his eyebrows.
"Yes." Sirius folded his arms. Regulus, apparently, didn't know quite how to react to that.
"Any way," Regulus continued, "It's not just the Christian thing to do, it's the right thing to do." He said sternly. Sirius broke eye contact with him. Looking away from him. Past him.
"I don't care." The words were so cold, Sirius felt like he might have ice dripping from his tongue. Regulus gritted his teeth, spun on his heel and left the room, slamming the door behind him.
Remus arrived at the Black's home in his simple black, clerical clothing, having doffed his cassock at the rectory.
He wasn't quite sure how he felt about meeting Sirius again after all these years. After the summer of 1976, when Sirius left the village for boarding school again, but this time, never came back. Remus wrote letter upon letter, but never received one back.
That winter would be the winter that Sirius was caught up in his huge scandal.
Remus didn't like to think about that though. He entered the Black's house, greeted very quickly by Mrs. Malfoy, now free of her son, who thanked him for the beautiful ceremony.
Remus had been shocked by how kind the Black family had suddenly become when he was appointed priest of their local parish. Remus was so glad he'd gotten to work in his home town. He had always loved the church. It was huge, absolutely dominating the town. It was a tall, gothic looking thing, which had been renovated many times over the centuries.
He loved the stain glass windows that depicted the death of various saints in gruesome detail. On sunny days, they would cause the church to be flooded in brilliant, wonderfully coloured light.
He hadn't realised, lost in his thoughts that Narcissa was still gushing over the ceremony.
"I'm glad you were so... touched by it." He said warmly.
"Honestly Father Lupin, you read beautifully." She told him. Remus felt a little uncomfortable, and changed the subject.
"I hear you were just cast in a new drama series, Mrs. Malfoy?" he said, sounding interested.
"Oh, call me Narcissa, please. It's just a mini series that Lucius is producing. Apparently it's was written by a BAFTA winning screen writer, so not an opportunity one could pass up and still be considered sane." She said smoothly, "If it doesn't gain critical acclaim, at least what I'm being paid should easily fund our new house." She glanced over at Bellatrix, who was speaking to an elderly man and laughing loudly. "Obviously I'm not even getting a fraction of what she's making." Narcissa said, a little wistfully. "She thinks of herself as a screen legend now." She snorted, "She's jealous of Andy. Bella read an article about her a few weeks ago that had called her a cult icon and she flew into such a huff."
"What's Andromeda doing now?" Remus asked. He knew the other Black sister had gone to Hollywood, but nothing more.
"She's directing in an animation studio, would you believe. She's made three films since she went over, all of which have been lorded as the best thing to happen to animation since Walt Disney. The latest one won an Oscar." Narcissa rolled her eyes. "And I'll be lucky if my stupid mini-series gets three stars in a TV Guide." She drawled disdainfully.
"Now, now Narcissa, I greatly enjoy your work." Remus told her. Truth be told, all he'd seen of her back catalogue was the ITV production of the Taming of the Shrew. She'd played Bianca, and had starred alongside Bellatrix, who'd completely out shone her as Katherina.
"Mmm. That's what they all say." She chuckled softly. "I'm a dancer, you know. But my bad feet sort of scuppered that career for me, and I had to do something or else I'd drive myself mad with boredom." She yawned, and smiled at him, lazily "Well, I must go and check on little Draco, if you excuse me." she swayed off elegantly, leaving Remus with the impression she'd been highly unimpressed by their, decidedly one sided, conversation.
Remus blinked and wandered into the living room, searching for anyone he knew well enough to speak to. There were far too many people to get comfortable though, so he resigned to stand in the hall, hovering by the stairs, hoping to see Sirius. He took a glass of red wine when it was offered. Regulus soon came down the stairs, poor fellow looking not much better than he had at the ceremony. He gave Remus a smile and a brief thanks, before disappearing into the throng of people.
Not a moment later, Sirius came down the stairs too, looking a little upset and annoyed.
He hadn't changed much at all since they were boys. His clothes were cheaper now, and he seemed rather rougher around the edges than he had been. Apart from that, the most major change to his appearance had been the addition of a pair of fairly large, black, horn rimmed glasses, that looked slightly too large for Sirius' fine, aristocratic features.
He greeted Remus with a familiar grin, and inclined his head in a way that Remus knew meant he should come up the stairs. He'd been to the Black house a few times when they children, and remembered exactly the path to take to Sirius' room, where he appeared to be following Sirius.
Sirius did, indeed, lead Remus to his own room. He banged through the door, and flopped on the large bed, with the constellation duvet cover.
Remus took in the smell of the room, purely Sirius, and was thrown back to the first time they'd met.