A/N – This is the second bedtime stories told to Harry. If you haven't read the first it doesn't particularly matter, they have little connection.

Please review. No-one has yet. I'll probably not bother continuing if no-one does, as I'll just assume nobody likes it.

Warning – Mentions of slash pairings. Disturbing mental images of Sirius as a granny.

Disclaimer – I own nothing.

Little Red Lily Hood

"What kind of title is that Prongs?"

"What? It worked in my head."

"Nothing works in your head."

"Hey!"

"Let James get on with the story, Sirius."

"…"

Once there was a dear little child,

Who was loved by all who looked on her.

One day she was sent out into the wild,

To give granny the cake mum had cooked for her.

"Your grandmother's ill, Little Red Lily Hood,

So take these to her and some wood for the heater.

A cake and some wine will do her some good,"

Said the rather rotund woman named Mrs. Peter.

"It's a good thing Pete's not here or else he would be rather displeased."

"Where is Peter anyway? I haven't seen him in weeks."

"Who cares about Peter? Can I be in the story too?"

"Everyone will be in the story Padfoot."

So through the forest she skipped and she ran,

With her red velvet cape wrapped around her.

Unknowing that close was a wolf with a plan,

A wide grin on the face of the...

"Remus, what rhymes with 'around her' that fits with the sentence?"

"Bounder."

"Perfect!"

A wide grin on the face of the bounder.

Now our Little Red had no idea

That a wolf was something she was meant to fear

So even as he was fast drawing near

She thought the sound came from a fat stupid deer.

"Sirius! Don't ruin the story…and I'm not fat!"

Little Red could hear, but the dark impeded her eyes

But as the figure emerged she looked on in surprise.

"Remus, the wolf? I would never have guessed it."

So clearly she'd never seen Remus bare-chested.

"Sirius! Quit butting in with inappropriate comments! And Remus stop laughing, you're a horrible wolf who will be killed in the end."

"How could you do that to my Moony?"

"Hello Mr. Wolf" unsuspecting Red said.

"I'm off to my Gran's with this wine and some bread.

She lives not far off, a quarter-league through the woods

I'm afraid I must go and deliver her goods."

The wolf watched the girl go with a smile and a plan.

"What a treat, such a tender young creature."

If he was fast he'd get her and her Gran,

And then Little Red, well, he'd eat her.

As through the forest the wolf swiftly ran,

Hoping to beat Little Red to her Gran,

One thought alone circled round in his head,

That thought: how superb Sirius was in bed.

"Moony, shut him up please."

"…"

"Not like that!"

And so in the guise of our Little Red,

The wolf entered the house without word.

And, reaching Gran lying sick in her bed,

Proceeded to stuff her in the cupboard.

When Little Red arrived she spotted her Gran

But couldn't quite place what was altered.

So she walked closer, a foot, or less than,

But looked at the woman and faltered.

"Why Granny," our Little Red said in fear,

"What awfully big ears you possess!"

"All the better with which to hear,

Though my hair is quite often a mess."

"Why Granny," Little Red said in surprise,

"I am positively sure you are changed!

Allow me to ask, just how big are your eyes?

Or am I simply becoming deranged?"

"And it's not just your eyes which have altered, I fear.

Why, how large are those teeth in your jaw?"

The wolf smiled "All the better to eat you my dear."

The wolf cried as he swiped with his paw.

But just then through the door burst a glorious shape,

The woodcutter had heard a commotion.

And so the brave man (better looking than Snape)

Caught the wolf in really cool slow motion.

"Why is Remus the bad guy here? You're telling the story all wrong James. Do you want Harry to grow up thinking that Moony is a bad person?"

"I'm just telling the story as it goes Sirius. There is a wolf and the woodcutter kills him!"

"But why does Remus have to be the wolf?"

"Because he's a sodding werewolf Sirius!"

"Racist!"

"How is that being racist?"

"That's it, I'm hijacking the story."

"Oh no you're mmph!"

But just as the woodcutter's puny axe fell,

Granny burst out of the cupboard.

And everyone stared, because -as far as they could tell-

Granny had always been a woman.

"Sirius, that last bit didn't even rhyme."

"You try to find something which rhymes with cupboard."

"James managed earlier. Now, Padfoot, let go of his head and let him finish the story."

"But I'm doing it so much better."

But who stood there now was a dashing young man

With lustrous black hair, perfect teeth and a tan.

Better looking than the woodcutter, that much was plain,

But all there were confused, and so asked the God's name.

"Sirius, he's turning purple."

"My name is unimportant,

So I shall simply say

That I am not your granny

She has long gone away.

Now I hope you do not mind,

If I take this wolf, so make way,

For I am shocked at this animal cruelty

And will call the RSPCA."

"I feel I must congratulate you on your excellent desecration of what little form and rhyme scheme this story had Padfoot."

"Shush, Moony. I'm changing it to a story about us. We don't need forms and rhyme schemes."

The other humans realised how wrong they'd been, as the wolf explained how he,

Was the victim of a heinous plot, from which he could not break free.

But all was forgiven by Little Red because, just like the others, she found Remus too sexy.

"Mmph!"

"Ah, good. Thank you Remus. I'm just surprised you didn't do that earlier."

"That's because before his storytelling was only slightly worse than yours. That last stanza was so atrocious I think poets and linguists all over the country are turning in their graves. And the sad thing is that this isn't even a punishment for him. I think he rather enjoys it when I exercise my dominance over him."

"That was way too much information Remus."

"Sorry."

And so the odd group decided to be friends.

Even the woodcutter and wolf made amends.

And whilst the wolf (who is hopefully not actually a wolf physically) and the fake granny (who is now apparently young, male and into the wolf) seemed to hit it off just so,

The woodcutter and Little Red decided to give it a go.

"I sincerely hope by 'give it a go' you mean something that wouldn't get the 'woodcutter' imprisoned for child abuse."

"Lily! How long have you been here?"

"Long enough to hear about your…'glorious shape' was it?"

"Hah, I knew she wouldn't buy it, even as story Lily."

"You're one to talk. And at least when I was telling the story it had some sort of plot. You just kept taking over and ruining the whole thing. What is Harry going to think now?"

"You let Sirius take over the story more than once?"

"Now Lily, there's no need to get that angry…"

"My son has been brainwashed by a flea-bitten mongrel with nothing in his brain but food, sleep and a delusional werewolf!"

"Hey!"

"His poor innocent mind!"

"Not so innocent anymore, mwah hah hah!"

"Sirius Black! You get back here this minute so I can kick your tail up through your ass!"

"How come you get to swear around the baby and I don't?"

"James, let go of me! I can't strangle Sirius if you're holding onto my waist."

"How come Sirius gets to bounce on the couch? You won't even let Remus do that."

"Hi Harry, I'm just going to take you up to bed whilst the other children fight. Then perhaps I'll continue the story with a little more finesse and appreciation for the proper technical workings of a narrative such as the one your incompetent father and godfather were trying to tell…there. You just lie down and let Moony fix the story for you."

And as the three humans did bicker and brawl,

The wolf bid a hasty retreat, as was wise.

Though in time, maybe they could all count as allies,

The wolf's doubt caused a caution perpetual.

But just as the wolf reached the low garden wall,

His foot caught a stone which the grass had disguised.

And as from its grip his foot he tried to prize,

Into a well he tripped and proceeded to fall.

But as the wolf fell from the top he could see,

Three worried faces who watched his descent,

Before one, then the others jumped in without fright,

Trailing the wolf, to wherever it may be,

That his long fall would take him. Yet he was content,

To find out the answer tomorrow night.

"A sonnet Moony. You just had to show us all up by going all literary didn't you?"

"Well it worked didn't it? Harry's asleep, and now you've got all of tomorrow to work out your new story."

"What story?"

"'Lily in Wonderland'"

"Why am I always the centre of these stories?"

"Because James is predominantly the one who tells them."

"I just butt in to annoy him."

"Also because most fairy tails are about girls."

"I am so glad you weren't here last night. You would have completely ruined my fairy tale about Lily and I."

"Waaaaaaaa!"

"Look at what you've done! You've woken Harry up again."

"That's it. All of you out! I will get him to sleep."

"Sorry Lily."

"Sorry Evans."

"Sorry Love."

"…"

"Never send more than one man to do a job. It will inevitably go wrong. I hope you end up with a little more common sense Harry. I'm sure you would never do something as stupid as jumping down a hole when you don't know what's at the bottom."

Ten Years Later…

And Harry let go. Cold, damp air rushed past him as he fell down, down,down…

Eleven Years Later…

He lowered himself slowly into the pipe, then let go…

Twelve Years Later…

Harry went next; he crawled forwards, headfirst, and slid down an earthy slope…

A/N 2 – Anyone notice how often Harry has to climb down some sort of hole to save everybody?

Please tell me what you think. Did you like it, did you hate it? Do you think it's a waste of time and space? Should I continue? Does anyone care? Is there life after death? Are we alone in the universe?
Constructive criticism and praise are welcome. A philosophical discussion about the universe not so much.