Worth
Part 2: There'll be Peace When You are Done
There was nothing but pain. It was a searing, screaming, buzz that raced through his frame over and over like a current of lightning that had specifically chosen Sam Winchester as its conductor. The fact that it was, in fact, electricity humming through his body wouldn't have made him feel any better even if he'd had the ability to process the thought. His shoulders shook and hands and feet strained against the ties that held him to the bed.
Enough. Please God… enough… I… I can't…
His thoughts faded as the sizzling pain disappeared with a snap, the sound of the machine powering down accompanied by a flash of light that made the hunter's fuzzy brain wonder if he really had been struck by lightning.
In the distance he could hear his name being said and the vague touch of fingers on his forehead followed by a blast of warmth and light that seeped through to his very soul. It was like standing too close to a fire but never feeling the burn. All heat and light but no pain. For a moment it was soothing, and he opened his eyes to see who had touched him only to meet the smirking gaze of Lucifer.
He groaned. "You're not real." His eyes slid closed again and the fallen angel's laughter followed him into his mind as once more he began to sing.
"What the hell do you mean you can't?"
"I mean… there's nothing left to rebuild."
Dean and Cas stood at the edge of the small room watching as Sam, in a half waking state, glanced over to the other side of the room clearly unable to tear his attention away from whatever was going on in that direction. After Cas had stopped the demon from killing him, the pair had brought the younger Winchester back to his room, setting him on the bed where he stayed in an almost trance like state, entirely unaware of what was going on around him.
The sight of his little brother like this almost killed Dean. "So what then… You can't do anything?" He tore his gaze away from Sam and glanced at Cas wishing the angel had said something else to say… anything else. He was trying his damndest not to be mad…. But Castiel was his last hope. After this… there was nothing left to do.
The tone in Dean's voice slid down Castiel's spine like a knife. "I'm sorry. This isn't a problem I can simply erase. You know that."
The apology hung there like the memory it was, reverberating throughout the room.
The angel turned his gaze from Dean and back to Sam. He didn't know what to do. He'd cause so much hurt, so much pain… so much death… and with the one person who meant everything to the person he'd sworn to protect… he couldn't even heal him. His own hands had taken down the wall… but the pieces were far too crushed for him to put back up. He didn't sigh like Dean or Sam would have, such a reaction being just too human enough for the once-again angel to manage, but his shoulders slumped slightly as he watched the younger Winchester lay miserably silent on his bed, his white clothing matching white sheets and white walls in an eerie way that made the angel uncomfortable.
If only he could get enough of the pieces together. Maybe then he could shore up at least a little of what was happening to Sam. Of course he wished he could take away the pain all together but….
Castiel's thoughts raced and stopped all at once. Endless blue eyed widened with realization and theory as he straightened out bringing Dean's attention effectively back to him. "I can't fix it… but maybe I can shift it…" He started forward ignoring the questioning "What?" that Dean uttered.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, so close to Sam, Castiel could almost physically feel his mental anguish. He'd long ago taken to not looking too deeply into Dean or Sam's thoughts out of respect for the brothers, especially considering Dean had growled at him enough times about how uncomfortable it was to think that someone else could hear what he was thinking. But there would always be a certain amount the angel couldn't drown out. Surface thoughts that flew at him like spears. Unintentionally of course, but poignant nonetheless.
With Sam though, in his current state, there wasn't even the slightest bit of protection around his thoughts. It was like an open book that flashed wildly in front of Castiel's eyes, pages flipping from one to the next, some tearing out all together in their haste to change or go back.
"I'm so sorry Sam." He didn't waste any time reaching out, once again ignoring Dean as his name pulled from the hunter's lips. He wanted to take it all back. To put everything to rights. He wanted to earn Dean's respect and faith the way he'd once had it. This was the only way he could do that. The only way to repent for everything he'd done, every moment of pain, death, and hardship he'd caused.
"I'll be fine." He lied.
Dean all but froze as panic iced through his body. One moment he'd been drowning in his own sorrow and hatred and the next his heart was in his throat as he watched Castiel reach out to put his hand on Sam's forehead. There was a pure moment of stillness, the proverbial calm before the storm. Then everything was happening all at once.
Sam's face lit with an internal dark red glow that followed the patterning of veins around his eyes as those very eyes lit with the same dark brilliance. His body arched off the bed as if being subjected to excruciating pain and he ground out a gasping cry.
For his part Castiel seemed to go entirely still… blue eyes snapped open and staring forward into space as if he was concentrating so intently he couldn't even be bothered to close them. The light seemed to set a path for the angel, clearly being drawn by something.
It was then that Dean found himself moving. He didn't know how or when but as soon as the light began to slide up Cas' arm the hunter was reacting, reaching out so that one hand landed on Castiel's chest as if to push him away while the other slid between the angel's palm and his brother's face. What he could accomplish or not accomplish was beyond him at that point.
In that moment, that split second between what was happening and what was about to end, all Dean could think was "Not again."
Green eyes slid closed as he concentrated on pushing the pair apart. It felt like the weight of the world was holding Castiel in place and Sam had no ability to move away on his own. If he'd been looking he would have seen his own hand, now between the angel's and his brother, light with the same dark red glow. He would have watched as the angry veins traced themselves up his arm, collecting around his own eyes the same way they collected around Cas' and Sam's lighting three pairs with the same eerie glow before fading into a silent nothingness.
Sam was the first to come too, gasping in air like a man starved of it. He breathed deeply, blinking and looking around with a confusion and worry that made it clear he'd only been vaguely aware of his location for the last few days. His eyes went instantly to Dean who was slouched beside his bed, eyes closed and forehead leaning against someone else's knee where he appeared to have either fallen asleep or passed out. His gaze followed the knee to the tan material of a coat he vaguely remembered before climbing to a face he most certainly did.
"Castiel?" the younger hunter's voice was hoarse with disuse and fatigue and he blinked, frowning around the fuzzy appearance the world still seemed to possess. He had to be dreaming. Cas was dead. Months ago dead. This had to be another one of Lucifer's games. Throw friends at Sam and see how long it takes him to break. Again.
But the angel wasn't moving. Like Dean he was slumped forward, eyes having fallen shut as consciousness escaped him. Suddenly too worried to care whether this was a hallucination or not Sam reached out, one hand grasping Castiel's shoulder while the other went to his brother, shaking gently but with an alarmed worry that would have been enough to wake anyone.
Dean snapped awake first, his head flying into the air as he looked around. It was almost comical, one of those moments where a person goes from being dead asleep to perfectly awake in the span of a split second. Cas wasn't much better. Blue eyes tore around the room, landing first on Dean then Sam in such quick succession that he didn't even have a chance to brace himself as he wobbled and started to fall back.
"Woah!" Sam reached out to steady the angel, turning to his brother to make sure that Dean wasn't suffering the same problem. Apparently he was because the green eyed man was clinging to the edge of the bed as if it was the only thing holding him in place. He blinked a few times before glancing up, eyes widening with such shock and awe that any other time Sam would have inserted some irritating little brother comment. In that moment though he remembered just why he was here in the first place.
"Sammy?" Dean's voice, like Sam's was hoarse, almost like he'd been screaming. But he paid it no attention, clearing his throat and blinking again, clearly trying to convince himself that what he was seeing was real.
"Hey Dean."
"Holy fuck Sam what the Hell happened?"
"How should I know… last I remember, Lucifer was just starting in on his second read through of 'The Three Little Pigs.'" He turned his attention to Castiel when Dean moved his gaze to the angel. Cas was looking between the two of them with about the same amount of shock that Sam was leveling at him.
"That… was not supposed to happen." The angel spoke. His normally gravelly voice was edged with fatigue much like the brothers. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week. But he was alive! And that was something Sam had never thought to see again.
"What wasn't?" Sam asked when Dean stayed peculiarly silent.
Castiel blinked a few times in an attempt to clear his vision. "The transfer…." He trailed off. "I cannot feel it all." He turned his gaze directly on Sam, meeting the younger hunter's eyes with an intensity that made him want to shift back. "How do you feel?"
"Fine… actually." He replied. Now that he had a chance to think about it… he felt more normal… more put together than he had in ages. The fact that Lucifer wasn't babbling in his ear was testament enough. He frowned. "Why Cas… what the hell happened? And how are you alive?" He was pretty sure the second question wasn't going to get answered till later but it was nice to hear it aired into the room.
"I attempted to shift your wall… or at least what was left of it. The process should have syphoned the damage done by Lucifer on your soul into me… but something…" He stopped, blinked, and turned to Dean who'd been perfectly silent for the past few moments which, in Sam's opinion, was enough to warrant a certain amount of suspicion.
"What?" The green eyed man growled out, gaze narrowing challengingly when Castiel did not look away. He turned to Sam when the younger Winchester took the angel's side and stared back in the hope that someone, anyone really, would give him a straight answer. Syphon his wall? What the hell was that supposed to mean?
"What did you do Dean?" Castiel finally demanded when it didn't appear like Dean was going to willingly say anything.
"Nothing!"
"Dean…" Sam was impressed with the depth of growled warning that the angel managed to place in a single version of his brother's name. It wasn't like a parent threatening a child who wouldn't admit to breaking a lamp but rather like…. Like an angel threatening to smite a human soul for not cooperating.
Far more deadly if you asked him.
"I didn't do anything!" Dean repeated. "I just pushed you away a little!"
Sam blinked and Cas about reeled off the bed which was new. "Why? What does that mean?"
Castiel tore his gaze away from Dean who had taken to looking at the edge of the bed as if the weave of the cheap white fabric was the most interesting thing in the world. "I was attempting to move your wall, or rather what was behind it." He began. "It was the only way to help you, to save you from Lucifer. If I could take on your Hell, you would be free."
Sam opened his mouth to speak, the words on the tip of his tongue aghast at what he was hearing but Cas shook his head, silencing the younger man so that he could continue. "Your brother… in all his infinite wisdom, got in the way." He continued bluntly earning a piercing glare from Dean in return. "As such, all that was contained behind your wall has been effectively split. This transfer was never meant for a human conductor. That said, I believe your hell has now been divided between you, myself, and Dean." He trailed off with nothing more to say, falling silent and staying silent in a way that was so wholly and purely Castiel, Sam could barely contain the spark of happiness that him simply being there and alive was bringing.
That happiness however was bulldozed by the angel's words as Sam finally repeated them enough times in his head to make sense.
"WHAT?!" He turned to Dean all but throwing himself off the bed, hands raking through his hair as he began to pace across the room. Dean too had climbed to his feet leaving Castiel, who suddenly felt awkward sitting when no one else was, to follow suit.
Dean rolled his eyes concentrating instead on wiping his hands on his jeans as if to be rid of the feeling of the fabric he'd been picking at. "Chill the fuck out Sam. We're all standing aren't we?" He seemed rather calm for someone who'd just been told that he'd taken on a third of his brother's experience in hell.
The younger Winchester, however, was reacting in a much more expected way, continuing to pace the floor so quickly it was a wonder an instant rut wasn't worn in it. "Chill out? CHILL OUT? How can you even say that Dean?! You and Cas just took on... something... something..." He couldn't even put his words in order enough to yell at his brother correctly. Finally he gave up, throwing his hands in the air as he stopped right in front of Dean, leveling a stare on his brother that would have held anyone in their place and sporting the biggest Bitch face the older hunter had seen in a good while.
Sam's mood did not improve when his glare was returned from Dean with an amused smirk. The worst part was... he was trying to stay mad... trying to figure out how to yell at Dean and Cas- but mostly Dean- and was finding it impossible when the other just continued to grin like the whole world had finally slid into place.
The disapproving glare faded to a sad and heavy expression as his shoulders slumped, eyes moving back and forth between his older brother and the angel. "You shouldn't have done that." He spoke, the words intended for both of them.
Dean seemed honestly confused and his smirk turned to a snort as he narrowed his eyes at Sam. "And just why the hell not?" He demanded. "You're my brother Sam." He finished as if that should have been all there was too it.
He decided then, in that moment, that those words would be the stand he was going to take. No one but him was ever going to know that in the singular moment between Castiel reaching out and placing his hand on Sam's forehead, Dean's only coherent thought, had been of Cas. In fact, he was ashamed to realize that when he shuffled through his memories of what had happened, that Sam's welfare had been relatively low on the list of impending priorities.
It wasn't like he'd wanted anything bad to happen to Sam. God no! But after Cas had tried the first time to fix the younger hunter- to no obvious avail- a part, a very small part of Dean had finally begun to come to terms with the thought that he really was going to lose his whole family. So when Dean had seen the angry red veins of light begin to slide up the angel's arm, he'd panicked. All he'd been able to think was.
"I can't lose you too...Again."
Castiel was watching Dean intently, having moved his own blue gaze from the taller of the pair a moment before when he'd been all but railroaded by errant thoughts that were practically a physical attack on his being. And all of them were emanating from Dean. To the angel, Dean's thoughts were like the press of the ocean over his skin. The water blurred his vision making what he saw unclear but if he'd really wanted too he could have put on goggles as it were and taken a closer, more coherent look at each individual thought, deciphering just exactly what it was the hunter was feeling in that moment. But the same promise he's made to Dean in the past kept him from doing so now. It didn't mean that when something swam close he wasn't going to recognize it for what it was. But likewise just because he recognized it… did not mean he understood it.
So while Sam stared in irritated acceptance at his brother, Castiel could only tip his head and attempt to work through the thought that had flown at him like a shark zoning in on dinner. "Not again. I can't...not again, please Cas…."
The fact that Castiel's own name was part of the thought was most likely the reason the angel was having an issue ignoring it. Whether conscious or subconscious, prayers always reached their destination. It was simply the decision of the angel whether or not to answer them. Dean continued to look pointedly at his brother, wiping a hand over his face when their little staring match went on just long enough for him to reach his own breaking point of irritation. It was clear to the angel that in this instance, the hunter was most probably unaware of his own thoughts. Little did he know, Dean was 100% aware and doing his damnedest to ignore them.
"Get over it Sammy. You're alive. I'm alive. Hell… Cas is fucking alive. Are you really going to look this gift horse in the mouth?" He challenged, his words biting the air and bringing Castiel's attention away from his thoughts and back to the conversation that had sprung up once more.
"Dean… It's not like that… you know it's not. But this wasn't something I ever wanted you to take on. Hell this wasn't something that should have even been possible for you to take on…" His mouth opened to continue but he was interrupted.
"It's not." Castiel said simply and with no preamble. Only when both hunters turned to look at him, eyebrows raising in the universal symbol of please continue did he realize he was expected to elaborate. He frowned knowing that what he was about to say, Dean was not going to like. The green eyed hunter was often touchy about the bond between himself and the angel and usually did not appreciate any mention of it. Castiel had never understood such opinions but did his best to respect Dean's choice to not discuss it. He took a breath. "Shifting your experience of Hell to myself, while not simple, is possible. It is…" He tried to think of something to equate the process to that the pair in front of him would understand. "… in a way it is like when I have flown and taken you with me. Only this time, I was taking only a part of you with me."
Sam and Dean seemed to accept this.
"Ok… so if you were zapping Hell from Sam's brain to yours, how'd I end up with part?" Dean asked, his body language as he turned to face the angel stating that he had an idea and was daring Cas to actually voice it.
"The….bond…" Castiel continued on through the narrowed eyes of the hunter's gaze, "that exists between Dean and myself is something that transcends the physical body as it was not the body but the soul I raised from Hell." He glanced at Sam no longer able to take the warning glare emanating from the older brother. "When I reached for the Hell in your mind it was not with my vessel but rather my Grace… and when Dean reached out to you…" He spoke of Sam as if he wasn't aware that Dean had in fact, confusingly, been reaching out to him instead of his brother. "he ended up reaching with his soul. It was a subconscious reaction, one that Dean could have not controlled. As a result you were drawn into the process, effectively accepting a part of what I was taking." The last statement had been directed once again at the elder hunter when Castiel finally looked away from Sam and back at Dean, endless blue eyes unblinking as his words trailed away.
Both brothers could only stand there in complete silence, watching the angel as if they expected him to either continue on or retract what he'd said and give another answer. Castiel could not have in fact offered the pair a more awkward response than the one they'd just heard. Sam was blinking and refusing to look at his brother and Dean was doing his absolute best to burn Cas to the ground with his glare.
The noted lack of screaming, and a very much still standing Castiel proved that his pyro-kinesis was in need of some practice.
"Ok…." Sam was the first to break the silence, glancing over at Dean with the kind of look that said if we hadn't all almost just died…. you would never live this down. "So… Dean…. And you… now share my hell…" He touched his own chest as if to emphasize his words before letting his fingers point at the pair in front of him. "…thanks to your bond…"
"Yes."
Sam's lips flattened as he nodded, his expression contemplative.
"Awww, isn't that sweet. Big brother to the rescue."
The voice whispered through his mind, its touch so soft and distant the younger Winchester wondered for a moment if he'd actually heard it. It was the laugh that followed that convinced him he had. Like muscle memory, his body tensed up, freezing for a moment before he frowned. His fingers went to his left hand, pressing sharply in a gesture that had become almost habit over the past few months. This time however, unlike the last week or so, the painful pressure in his hand accomplished the task of silencing the voice.
Dean didn't miss the motion and went from attempting angel murder to worrying so quickly it was a wonder he didn't suffer from whiplash. "Sam?" He questioned, brows knitting in the center of his forehead.
"No Dean. It's alright. I can shut him out again." He looked up, eyes filled with a certain awed wonder as he met his brother's worried gaze.
Castiel was nodding. "Because your experience in Hell has essentially been split in thirds, it should be significantly easier to control what you do and do not recall. In time, you may even come to repress such memories entirely."
Dean couldn't have prevented the smile that wove across his face if he tried. Sam was whole. Sound and whole and safe. He was just going to have to learn to burry shit like everyone else did. And this time, remembering wasn't going to kill him.
Sam seemed equally excited but frowned and turned to Cas. "But what about you and Dean… if I can hear Lucifer, will you?"
Cas nodded again having expected such a question. "It is true that Dean and I now possess a certain aspect of your time in Hell. And it is very likely that we will both experience memories of those times in our own way. However, I cannot say one way or the other if it is Lucifer who will appear to either of us as he has to you. While he was the center piece of your hell, Michael was also present in the Cage, and Dean himself has memories associated with his own time that may again resurface."
The angel's words did nothing to smooth away the aching guilt that Sam was feeling after this whole process. He would never be anything but thankful for this second shot he'd been given… he only wished that it didn't come at the price of his brother and Cas living through his hell. Like the angel had said, Dean had already survived his torture, both in receiving it and giving it… how was it fair to make him experience it again?
Dean snorted and shrugged. A master of evasion and repression the elder Winchester only smirked and reached out to pat his brother roughly on the shoulder, pleased when the taller man didn't crumple at his touch. He was still tired, that much was obvious, but there was a renewed strength in Sam that could not have made Dean happier. "Come on Sammy. It doesn't matter. Whatever it is we'll get through it. Always do." He clicked his tongue and tipped his head with an arrogant wink before turning away from the whitewashed room and heading towards the door. "Now. If you girls don't mind… I'd like to get out of here. I'm starving." He disappeared through the door leaving his brother and the angel to glance between each other with their own versions of an eye roll.
Dean whistled a soft tuneless song as he walked, a lightness to his step that had not been there before. Things were looking up. Cas was alive... Sam was alive... he was alive. That was all he could really ask for right? The fact that despite their little journey-too-the-center-of-Sam everyone seemed relatively sane... well that was like eating pie while sitting on the hood of his Baby. Perfection.
Halfway down the hall, however, his perfection seemed to slide away and he stopped as the lights around him went out, leaving the building in darkness. His body tensed, fingers edging towards his belt where slowly he pulled his gun securely into his hand, the heavy weight of the metal almost soothing.
"Sam?... Cas?" His voice echoed slightly in the empty corridor and he blinked, looking around as his eyes slowly acclimated to the dark. A burning hiss announced the flip of a light as it came on behind him and he spun, arms raised at the ready and gun pointed with exceptional aim.
"Dean, Dean, Deannn…. Is that any way to greet an old friend?" The familiar voice crooned his name and Dean's eyes widened as a tall gaunt figure stepped from the darkness into the dirty glow of the single hanging light. Bile rose in his throat and he swallowed thickly. It took a moment to kick start his brain before he could reply.
"Alastair." The name was a disbelieving hiss on his lips, said with the utmost hatred and disgust.
Alastair raised his hands and turned slightly as if to show himself off. "In the flesh." He took another step forward, sliding his hands back into his pockets as he grinned at Dean, getting ever closer despite the gun pointed in his direction. "Whatttt, didn't you miss me?" He tisked and stopped when the nozzle of Dean's gun was just centimeters from his chest, grinning like he'd received the best Christmas gift of all time. "I missed you." His voice continued to croon in that sickly sweet way.
"You're not real." Dean hissed straightening out and letting the gun fall as if to prove his point since there was no way he'd have ever lowered a weapon around the real Alastair. "You're dead."
"Oh no Dean… You see…" The demon grinned widely and stepped closer. "I'm all up here." He raised a hand and pressed a finger against Dean's temple before the hunter could do so much as take a step back. "And we have so much to catch up on."
Whatever else Alastair had planned to say next was drown out by a sudden searing burn that began at Dean's shoulder and shot down his arm and back, followed by the pressure of fingers that almost made him stumble back.
"Dean."
The hunter looked up as the pain in his shoulder faded to an ache, blinking against the sudden light of the hallway after the darkness. He looked around, eyed landing on Cas who stood directly in front of him where bare seconds before Alastair had been. "Cas?" He cleared his throat and straightened out noticing that in doing so the angel's hand slid from his shoulder. "What the hell man?"
"What did you see?" Castiel didn't beat around the bush, instead holding Dean's attention with that same intense unblinking look that almost seemed to see the answers long before they were ever stated.
"I…." He paused. Fuck but if he wasn't sweating from that encounter. He reset his shoulders and caught his balance, feeling off. Alastair had always left him feeling that way. He hated it.
Sonofabitch. He'd buried those memories a long time ago. Deep in his psyche beneath miles of concrete and lies. Dean Winchester was the fucking King of repression. And yet he could see so much of it now. Feel the heat and darkness he'd lived for over forty years… the cool press of a blade in his hand. He could hear the almost harmonious song of screams.
And it made him sick.
He reeled, breathing in deeply and bending over. He braced his hands against his knees and closed his eyes. Castiel frowned as the hunter doubled over, caught between remaining still and silent and reaching out to offer help. But before he could make his choice Dean was straightening out again, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand and sniffing in an attempt to compose himself. He met the angel's blue gaze and gave a halfhearted smile. "Sorry man. I'm fine. Just a little winded you know? Been driving all day after all." Neither of them made the comment that Dean had been known to drive for days on end without so much as a bitter word and that the few hours between here and Colorado was less time behind the wheel than he normally clocked in. "Come on, where's Sam? Let's hit the road and find a place to crash. And food. And pie. I deserve some pie." He clapped Cas on the shoulder and turned to continue down the hall, leaving the angel to collect his brother and come to his own conclusions.
Unconsciously Dean's hand rose to rub the side of his left shoulder as he walked out the entrance, soothing away the residual tingle that seemed to hum there, before the angel lost sight of him as he disappeared through swinging doors.
"I am not sharing a bed."
It was the last thing spoken in the room before Sam managed a spectacular nose dive into the first of the two queen sized beds that filled the small motel room. He didn't even bother stripping out of his coat, his shoes having been kicked off the moment he'd walked into the room. Instead he merely sprawled, the gargantuan length of his body falling diagonally across the bed so that every inch of it was taken up by his prostrate frame.
Dean rolled his eyes and threw his coat over the back of one of the chairs at the small table which, besides the two beds, nightstand, mini fridge, and accompanying chairs, was the only other significant piece of furniture in the room. He had to admit that it was good to see Sam actually sleeping. If he made it through the next hour without waking up, Dean would consider this a victory. Turning away from his brother he moved his attention to the angel who stood silently on the other side of the room, also watching Sam. He glanced up when he felt Dean's attention turn his way. "He should sleep for many hours." Castiel assured the older brother.
Dean nodded and glanced at the second bed then back to Cas, tipping his head in a gesture of take it. "You can have it. You look like shit Cas."
Castiel tilted his head. "I do not require sleep Dean." The hunter should have known this already.
Dean frowned. "Oh. Right. Yeah, well you still look like you could catch a few winks." He watched as Castiel turned to glance at himself in a mirror hung on the far wall, turning this way and that as if his appearance was going to explain to him what 'a few winks' were.
"My disconnect from Heaven has drained my strength." To Dean the angel's words sounded as close as he was going to get to agreeing that Cas needed sleep.
"So what are you going to do? Can you just bounce back in there… fuel up, and take off again?" The hunter wasn't really kidding himself. He knew full well anything the angel did now wasn't going to be half so easy.
"That would be unwise. My brothers and sisters believe me to be dead. I can hear them now but have remained silent so as not to cause additional confusion." His brows furrowed. "Heaven is still in upheaval." Since his disappearance six months back it seemed little had worked in the direction of righting the problems in heaven since the end of the apocalypse. In fact, it appeared that there was more discord than there had been before. Heaven might have been corrupt during the apocalypse, but the Host had been led by powerful figures, not the least of which had been Castiel. Between himself and Raphael after Michael's nosedive into the pit with Lucifer, they had managed a certain amount of stability and order. With the pair of them gone, however, he could see the strain it was placing on the others. In general, angels were not meant to lead. They were creatures of obedience and order. They were warriors yes, but General was a title most often differed to God. "I must return soon. But not yet. Too soon and what is left will crumble. Factions have begun to form. Splitting them apart now will only cause further strife."
Dean listened in silence as the angel explained the intricate workings of heaven in only a few sentences. It had always simultaneously amused and irritated him how Cas was able to take the most complex theory and make it sound as if it was a simple, straightforward problem. The issues in heaven had never been even close to straightforward, yet listening to Cas you would have never thought otherwise. "Well you're welcome to crash with us obviously. I…" The hunter frowned and trailed off for a moment. He ran a hand through his short hair then back down his face looking everywhere but at the angel who had turned to offer him the full intensity of his attention.
He didn't know how to just continue a conversation with someone who had been dead yesterday. There was so much that stood silent and unsaid between them. Logically he knew that eventually all those words were going to topple and spill, but for right now he was going to content himself with the age old tactic of repression and evasion.
"So what's the plan then?"
Cas seemed to think it over, ignoring the blurry buzz of Dean's thoughts and concentrating on his own. "I do not believe this is like last time." He began, both men instantly recalling the time Castiel had been little more than human, his Grace so weak he couldn't have smote the weakest demon. "With time I believe I will be fine." Which was saying something considering he had just spent the last six months of his life not only believing himself to be human, but recovering from a dance with one too many leviathans to count.
Dean sighed and flopped bonelessly into one of the chairs. He was tired. Probably tired enough to conk out like Sammy had and sleep for a week. But at the same time he was too nervous to sleep. The thought of closing his eyes only to see Alastair again was less than appealing. He'd spent two years learning to ignore the voice of the demon... and now he was going to have to start right back at the beginning. His brows furrowed as a thought struck him but he chomped down on the words when he realized that asking his question would give him away.
The hunter mulled it over in the long extending silence that continued between him and Cas. It was that same silence that they'd shared in the car when neither could decide what to say. Dean because he'd been hiding things, and Cas because even as Emanuel he hadn't been any good at conversation.
"So this hell of Sam's..." He began, glancing over at the angel who was still standing a few paces away. "You said we would all experience it…"
"Yes. I believe because Sam has often been confronted with visible representations of Lucifer it will be much the same for you and I. We are after all taking on a piece of Sam. I do not, however, believe that Lucifer will be the vessel for hell for either of us."
Deans lips pressed tight as if he was trying not to say anything. He could attest to Castiel's words surely enough. The sick hypnotic laugh of Alastair echoed somewhere in the back of his head and he sighed. Nothing was ever just fucking cut and dry was it?
"I can say for certain it has not been for me."
That brought Dean out of his own thoughts so quickly he was surprised he wasn't suffering whiplash. "Come again?"
Castiel frowned and continued to concentrate on Dean. Maybe if he concentrated hard enough she would stop talking.
"Oh just tell him Castiel. Really what harm could it bring? Oh…" There was a soft pause and the disappointed click of a tongue. "…but you're an angel. Angel's don't show their feelings. I remember being like that. Once. Its why I fell you know. Chose to fall. What's the point of being a mindless soldier? I spent two thousand years watching the world with a cold uncaring eye. I know what the other side is like Castiel. Really know. But you…. You're just playing a game. Like a cat with an amusing mouse…"
"Anna…is….She appeared a short time ago." Cas finally replied. His face was flat as he tried to ignore her words. Explaining to Dean just why he was seeing Anna was going to be near impossible. How could he tell the hunter that she- an Angel he'd once respected so greatly, an angel he'd looked up too and even called his superior- was the only one who understood that the fastest way to hurt him was to point out what he both did and did not want.
Humanity. Free Will.
He didn't want to be human. Not at all. But the time he'd spent on earth, watching the Winchesters, fighting with them against the apocalypse… he could understand how such emotions as those that drove both Dean and Sam, could be appealing. That inherent understanding that every choice they made was their own. Pure unadulterated free will.
He could never explain to Dean that while he'd chosen to walk a different path… to set himself apart from the rest of the Host… he still labored under the heavy feeling that maybe… maybe he hadn't escaped. That maybe this was what God had wanted him to do all along. Maybe… he wasn't choosing anything. Perhaps he was still just the obedient little angel who'd followed orders to drag Dean from hell in the first place. And Anna… well she was the only one who had ever known…ever seen. Uriel had caught glimpses of it once but Anna had been human. She had walked along the other side of the fence and knew how to use its beauty against him.
Dean was blinking at him. "Anna…. Your seeing Anna?" He leaned forward, setting his elbows into his knees and running his hands over his face and through his hair before he glanced back up. "Right now?
Cas glanced over to where the red head was sitting on the edge of the empty bed, drawing abstract patterns into the comforter and paying him absolutely no mind.
"I do not know how to get rid of her." He admitted so calmly he could have been talking about a kitten that was following him around.
Dean frowned. Well fuck. Experience told him that you had to find your reality… to base everything you had in the present and the physical and block out all the rest. It had worked for Sam, and his younger brother still pressed down on the center of his hand, the pain becoming his tie to reality. Once, Dean had found the same tie in his car. It was why driving for such absurd lengths of time had never bothered him. The longer he was behind the wheel of his baby, the longer he wasn't trapped in Alastair's bloody version of an office, or standing at a smooth metal table, cool blade in hand as the music of thousands of screams welled in the air around him. He shook his head and turned to concentrate on the angel in front of him, not realizing that when he'd seen Alastair in the hallway it hadn't been his car that had pulled him back.
"You gotta find a link Cas." Castiel remained silent and Dean tried to collect his thoughts to better explain his meaning. "You have to pick something that reminds you of what is real, what is now. Anna is not there. Whatever she's saying to you doesn't matter. Don't let it pull you down."
"I am not a fool Dean." Cas' voice was dark and Dean realized that while Cas was listening he didn't quite understand what the hunter was saying.
"I never said you were." He assured the angel. "But you're not human. You haven't had to deal with grounding yourself before." If he had thought Cas was pissed with his last comment it was nothing compared to the righteous indignation that flickered through the angel's endless blue gaze when he finished speaking. Of course, had he known he'd unintentionally repeated exactly what Anna had been mocking Castiel with for the past ten minutes he would have never said it. But the hunter had never been so lucky. Instead he had to sit there in sudden bewilderment as Cas all but turned him to ice with his glare before reaching out and pulling the second seat back for him to sit.
If an angel could look hurt… Castiel was sure managing it. Dean frowned. "Cas…?" He started only to be cut off by the other man's words.
"Be silent Dean. I wish to focus."
Well hell. He'd said something that had pissed the angel off and he didn't know what it was. Huffing his own irritated exasperation he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. Two could play the silent game. His fingers tapped aimlessly on his arm, just under the handprint shaped scar on his bicep, beating out the rhythm to an old song in his head. But when a dark sickly laugh bubbled up in the back of his mind he rubbed the very same spot where his skin had tingled before, the place he'd been tapping feeling almost sore.
Clear blue eyes opened slowly and Cas was left looking at Dean who was still unconsciously rubbing his arm and pointedly not directing his attention at the angel. Each time his fingers brushed over the scar Cas was left feeling like there was a distant hum somewhere in his Grace. Like a sound just below the threshold of hearing. So long as that sound rang, Anna was gone.
Castiel's brows furrowed and his head tipped, his irritation with Dean forgotten. "She is gone."
The hunter looked back at Cas, surprised the little tantrum had ended so quickly. He'd been sure Cas had planned to give him the silent treatment…. Maybe he'd just been making things up. "Oh. That's great Cas. Well I'm glad you figured it out. It gets easier."
Cas, were he human, would have nodded then. Not so much as to agree with Dean's words, but rather to simply gesture in response to them. Instead he stayed still, allowing his own words to do what body language had always managed more simply.
"It would be easier if it were not necessary at all." He started, but continued before Dean could reply to his obvious comment. "However, as this is the price to be paid for Sam's sanity, I will gladly carry it." He hadn't looked away from Dean the entire time but now his gaze seemed to grow more serious and repentant. "My only regret is that you are sharing this burden, and that I could not wholly shift it from Sam."
The hunter rolled his eyes. "It's not like you forced me to do anything Cas. Quit beating yourself up about it."
Cas looked unconvinced. "Why did you do it Dean?"
Dean Winchester had always prided himself on his ability to make a snarky reply or a witty comeback in intense or serious situations. Sam would have explained that it was Dean's number one tactic of choice for avoiding his own feelings. A defense mechanism if you will. Dean, after making yet another witty remark to his brother as payback would only later silently admit to himself that Sammy was right. So when his tongue and wit completely eluded him, all he could mutter was the truth.
"It didn't make sense to lose both of you." Hell. Roll intro credits! That was officially the gayest thing he'd ever uttered in his life. Feeling wholly uncomfortable he crossed his arms and hunkered down into the chair before deciding against sitting and all but tossing himself up out of the seat and towards the mini-fridge where he'd stashed a six pack when they'd come in. Rummaging about for a bottle that was at least semi cold Dean grabbed what he wanted and straightened, turning around only to find Castiel a bare few inches away from him, eyes slightly narrowed as he stared at Dean as if trying to figure out just what he'd meant when he'd spoken.
"Fuck Cas. You are too close." He moved to take a step back but there wasn't any room too, so he stepped to the side, gesturing as he continued to speak. "We've discussed this personal space thing man, remember?" He motioned in a small circle around himself with his empty hand to imply an invisible barrier between him and the rest of the world. Particularly a single blue eyed angel who still after all this time didn't seem to grasp the concept of 'my space'.
"You would not have lost me."
Dean wanted to stab himself. Instead he settled for pressing the heel of his hand into his eye in a gesture that was similar to slamming one's face against a desk before turning to face the angel who was still standing. He pressed his lips tight and let his fingers twist the top of the bottle off, his own eyes never falling from the angel's confused and interested gaze. Dean was sure this was all just a big joke to him. Hell... Castiel was an angel. Maybe when he'd said 'shift the wall' he'd meant for good, away and into the universe where it couldn't hurt anyone. Maybe by getting in the way Dean had actually caused Cas to experience hell with the rest of them. Granted he didn't exactly see how Anna could be any sort of hell... besides being a righteous pain in the ass, but he wasn't going to judge.
The truth was... none of that had mattered. The moment he'd seen that dark, red light appear on Sam and begin its slow and deadly ascent towards Castiel... he hadn't stopped to think. There hadn't been any time to sit back and ponder the billion and one possibilities that could have happened in that moment. There was only action. Only reaching out to try and push Cas away before he'd gotten hurt.
Before Dean really did lose everyone.
"Dunno what you want me to say man." The hunter took a swig of his beer. "What I saw... it was pretty fucked up." He congratulated himself on a comment well-made taking another sip. "What was the point of letting you both die... seemed like a waste."
Cas seemed to accept the comment and finally looked away, glancing back at Sam as if to make sure that he was still alive and only sleeping. Dean huffed a sigh of relief and collapsed back into his chair. The tension hadn't gone out of the room, hell it had only gotten worse, but at least now they weren't dwelling on it.
"You should sleep."
Leave it to Cas to switch the subject. Dean liked that about the angel. The way he could turn a topic to something else without any prelude. Granted it drove him up the fucking wall sometimes. But right now he could have kissed the man for not being so human as to press the topic. His brain stalled out on the word kiss and he shook himself knuckling his eyes.
"Can't. Sammy's asleep. Gotta keep watch." He lied. How could he tell Cas he was afraid that if he slept he'd hear Alastair?
"I will keep watch Dean. My Grace may not be at its full capacity but while I am here, no harm will come to you."
"Gee thanks Cas... just what I wanted. A knight in shining armor and a halo." He quipped. Cas was right though. He needed to sleep, and nothing was getting in while he was there. Sighing Dean set the beer on the table, forgotten the instant glass hit wood as he stood and turned towards the second bed. "Fine." He gave in without too much... ok, without any resistance. "Wake me if Sam gets up will ya?"
Castiel nodded, taking a seat at the table again as Dean shucked off his boots and over-shirt and climbed into the bed, pulling the covers up around himself like a shield against the world. This time he didn't even care that there wasn't a TV for Cas to gawk at and that the brothers would probably become the centerpiece of his attention while they slept.
His last thought, as sleep enveloped him, was that at least they were all alive.
TBC
Part 3: Lay Your Weary Head to Rest