CHAPTER TWO – a secret

A month goes by and Mike never acts on his feelings. Sometimes he lets out his frustration on the show, yelling at Alex a bit too much. Afterwards, he always feels like shit. When they're alone though, they always get along and Mike thinks, This is what counts.

One night, the two men are sitting in their shared hotel room and Mike feels unusually confident about the situation.

"Can I ask you something?"

Alex turns towards Mike, doesn't hesitate for a second, "Sure thing."

"Something personal?"

"Shoot," Alex responds giving Mike his undivided attention.

"Have you ever had feelings for someone you know you shouldn't?" As Mike is starting his fishing expedition, he's suddenly realizing he's not as confident as he thought.

Alex stares at Mike for a few seconds before answering, "Yeah, I have." He clears his throat and continues, "There was someone in college."

"You had the hots for teacher!" Mike giggles trying to compensate for the awkward tension he released into the quiet room.

"Not exactly. He was actually one of my frat buddies." Alex confesses rather hesitantly.

Wait. Wait. What? Mike's mind begins racing and he's rendered speechless.

"Ah fuck. I freaked you out, didn't I? I shouldn't have said anything." Alex gets up like he wants to disappear somewhere but it's a tiny room, it's not like he could really go anywhere.

"No, it's okay, man. I'm not judging, I just wasn't expecting that kind of answer…So, what happened?" Mike questions, not wanting to push Alex to talk about anything he's not comfortable with but hell, he was really fucking curious now and just the idea that Alex could possibly be interested in him made his palms start to sweat.

Alex looks over at Mike, reading him like a book and knows it really is okay. Sitting back down Alex explains, "I met him junior year and I just always wanted to be around him. He was really popular and a really good-looking guy. I mean, movie star good looks. You know, the 'all the girls wanted to be with him and all the guys wanted to be like him' type. He seemed to always choose me over anyone else and I suppose I got all wrapped up in that." Alex pauses for a second and when he realizes Mike's hanging onto every word, he gets a bit nervous but continues, "I, uh, well, turned out he was bi." Alex shakes his head like that was already a given.

Mike raises his eyebrows, surprised at the direction this conversation is heading in, "Oh. Did you guys hook up or anything?"

"Mike, I don't think we should talk about this anymore." Alex gets up again and strides to the other side of the room like it's safer over there somehow.

Mike stands up now. "It's okay, Alex, I promise I'll never tell anyone anything. I just…want to know you." Mike shrugs his shoulders trying to be as sincere as he possibly can be.

Alex delays his response for a few long seconds, he wants Mike to know him too so he confesses, "I dated him for a few months. There. I said it. And he turned out to be a complete asshole. I don't even think he really ever gave a shit about me anyway. Just used me, I guess." Alex rolls his eyes as if to push back the unwelcome memories.

"Dumbass," Mike whispers under his breath.

"What's that?" Alex leans in trying to catch the echo.

"I just…Nothing," and Mike sits back down.

For a second Alex squints his eyes and wonders what exactly is going on. "But I'm not gay, Mike," Alex reassures his all too curious friend with a stern tone and he's pretty convincing.

Fuuuuuckkkkkk. Mike lowers his head, deeply disappointed by what Alex just said. Doesn't even realize he's being so obvious. At first Alex missed it but not anymore. The subtext of the conversation hasn't gone over his head. Not one bit.

Alex stands there looking at Mike, suddenly feels guilty for what he's about to say but he pulls it together before Mike looks up at him again. "That was just a one time thing, Mike. A complete fluke. I like girls. I'm attracted to girls," he nods, driving the point home.

"Of course. I know." Mike's throat closes on him, lets out a gulp that embarrasses him further but he doesn't stop there. "And the girls are attracted to you so it all works out." Poor Mike is a fantastic actor but he's only hanging on by a thread now and it's painful realizing that. He feels tears starting to sting his eyes and gets up before he falls apart right in front of Alex.

After the lights are turned off, Mike stares at the ceiling. He can't even close his eyes. I don't understand why I would have these feelings if they're only ever going to be one-sided. That's just too cruel a joke. Am I just letting all the attention Alex gives me go to my head? Is this all just a fluke like he said? That damned word fluke echoes in the depths of Mike's head for what seems like forever. He wants to cry, he wants to sob for hours but he holds it in. Can't afford to let Alex hear how weak he is, how pathetic he is.