Finn looked like a statue compared to the gyrating bodies surrounding him. His hands were in his pockets and he was peeking up at Rae. Although a coy smile played at his lips he did not look entirely content. After wanting nothing but to dance with Rae all night, looking at her now, all he wanted to do was be alone with her to ...talk.
Rae emboldened him in so many ways but he also never felt more timid than when they were in a crowded room together, when she looked at him like she knew his secret thoughts, like it was a secret they shared. She reached out for his arm, initiating the long-awaited dance between the two, but instead, Finn took this as an opportunity to step closer to speak into her ear.
"Do ya maybeh wanna go outside and chat? I'm well drenched!" He pulled away and stared at her with raised eyebrows. As an answer, she nodded her head enthusiastically. She bit her lip and they paused for a moment, not sure how to continue. Maybe it was the thumping soundtrack or the fantastical light display but something about this felt momentous.
Despite the time of year, the night air felt cool compared to the balmy dew engulfing the dancers inside. The only warmth she felt was in the center of her belly and the hand she was sharing with a certain Finn Nelson. Walking side by side, they silently meandered around the grounds of the abandoned manor, not looking at each other, not sure what was to be said. Stepping into an area she supposed used to be a garden from the overgrown rose bushes, Rae reluctantly broke contact with the boy of her deepest desires and made her way over to a bench she'd spotted. Looking up at him, she patted the empty space next to her invitingly.
He looked impossibly gorgeous in just a white undershirt and his old, baggy jeans. Simplicity worked for him, in every sense, which is partly why she was concerned about what she needed to tell him; is she too complicated? Too much work? She had to go to therapy and practice silly exercises to find herself bearable; was he really able to like her without so much effort?
The high from earlier was wearing off but when he sat down and placed his hand over hers and stroked her skin with his thumb, she felt a rush of confidence: the confidence she required to confide in him her real self, the inner Rae she felt no one could love but he was possibly her best shot.
Finn's eyes darted from the weeds on the ground, to the paint chips he was picking with his right thumb and forefinger off of the wooden bench, to his own boots, and up to the girl he was in love with. All the things he had wanted to tell her now rested in the back of his throat but his nerves had barricaded themselves between his desired declarations and his tongue. He swallowed the heavy night air, subconsciously trying to consume his own confessions, to keep them to himself a little longer because he suddenly felt unsure.
What if Rae didn't love him back? It's easy when it's just the two of them but seeing her and Archie together made Finn feel insecure. It complicated things. He had demanded a clear definition of their relationship once before, in the cupboard of lust, and that rejection still tightened his chest when he remembered it. Of course he had forgiven her afterward; whatever her problem was, she was able to look past it, selflessly, when he needed her comfort. Their friendship had grown since then and, on his side at least, something else had seeded itself deep within.
It's not something he could explain which is maybe why it took him so long to figure it out. There was just something about her. His day didn't feel complete til she showed up at the pub and took the mickey out of him for something and, at the end of the day, he would think back and squirm at his attempts to impress her. He wouldn't even realize he was doing it at the time, her presence just seemed to take over his brain and change his behavior. Honestly, he felt cleverer around her but he also never felt so thick.; she had this way of bringing out the best in him yet putting him to shame with how much smarter and cooler she was. Finn Nelson was the image of cool in Lincolnshire: leather jacket, motor bike, baggy jeans, flannel, earring, and his ever-present facade of superiority. But he never felt cooler than when she had linked her arms on his chest as they rode together, he never felt funnier than when she laughed at his quips, and he never felt more alive than when they were together. Just listening to records or sitting in the park, he was filled with this energy; a sort of warm, relaxing but, at the same time, invigorating energy that enveloped him when Rae was around. If that's not love then what is?
Finn thought about the ride there, the way she made him feel so much bolder, braver, as she stretched out her hands, putting her trust in him, to embrace the evening air and the evening itself. It was in little, thoughtless moments like this that Rae could completely astound Finn, like when she blatantly shouted her feelings to Chop down the chippy when he was getting on her pissing nerves. After that display, Finn didn't need a second to think before his fist collided with that scumbag Big G's face. Her courage is what totally floored him and inspired him. He felt like she was endlessly impressive and he was just a knobhead with a decent taste in music and a silly motorbike.
Still, when she finally looked at him full-on, turned toward him, ready to speak what was on her mind, he thought back to just a few minutes ago, how she had stepped in between himself and Chloe and how he had just walked away from her embrace with Archie. Now it was finally his turn to be brave.
"Finn, ah have somethin' ta tell ya and it's not easy bu-"
"I have somethin' ta tell ya, too actually," he interrupted. Time to put it all out there.
"WILL YA STOP DOIN' THA'?" She punctuated her frustration by breaking their grasp and pushing him not so lightly on the shoulders.
Oh, great, that stupid, slackened expression of his is back. Good going, Raemundo.
"Well, ya not interruptin' meh this time like ya did at the park." She explained.
His thought process was visible as he remembered their conversation a few weeks back and his face seemed to soften with understanding, maybe even a tinge of guilt as he nodded for her to continue.
How was she supposed to focus whilst staring at that beautiful, bloody face of his? She forced herself to look away, she turned herself to face forward and he mirrored her reluctantly. Doing her best to breathe steadily, she closed her eyes and worked to push the thoughts of what could happen away, of why it was a bad idea, and just focused on what she wanted: relief. Relief from carrying around a backpack of bullshit, from lying to the people who had opened up to her and let her in, from feeling like a simple, falsified version of herself. Rae Earl is not simple; she feels like all these different people were fused together in some blind experiment, became unstable, and exploded; and she's the aftermath of the combustion.
Sure, the pieces of herself were being put back together but she did not yet feel whole. Being around Finn is what made her feel most whole. When she was alone, she was afflicted by dark thoughts of every category; when she was surrounded by people of sound mind, she'd have doubtful thoughts of rejection try to soil her fantasies. How could he ever fancy her? Why did she even let herself dream of it? But not when they were together. His hand, tracing his thoughts silently onto her skin, drowned out her nearly endless internal monologue. Something Rae never felt like she had was peace. Whether it was her own torturous mind, her nightmare of a mum, or even her uneasy friendship with Chloe, Rae never felt like she could just be. But that's what he was; Finn was her peace of mind.
It scared her to tell him who she really is because, she couldn't pretend anymore, not even to herself, that it was all erotic fantasies and staring at his mouth-watering bum; she really needed her time alone with him even if it was just as friends. Rae needed someone who she could be herself around and she's never felt closer to that with anyone other than Tixie. Maybe it was just because he was a bloke but, unlike with Tix, there was this undercurrent of tension she felt with Finn. Not always, but sometimes she found herself snapping at him unintentionally and he would bite back, but it wasn't caused by any sort of malice; it was something she couldn't place. This was a new feeling. It felt like an almost-tangible electricity; it would constantly surprise her by making her angry or horny without any warning; when he looked at her a certain way or made some off-hand remark, it would shock her into action physically or verbally and there was no explanation... There had to be something more there and if it was possible he returned her affections, then he needed to know the truth.
Finn shifted himself so that their arms were pressed together. Feeling his touch, she realized how ridiculous this silence was and that it couldn't last forever. Just do it, Rae.
"I have somethin' ta tell ya and ah think it could change what you have ta tell me. So, please, let me go first." She looked up at him for his silent permission and took a deep breath. This was it.