I know you need someone too. This just feels so soon
Puck thought he had left behind the half-lived stories but here he was again staring at someone that was saying it was over. He wondered why it took him by surprise. While Kurt was going on about this being better for everyone, how they could find happiness with someone else, he kept asking himself where did he go wrong? Didn't he pay enough attention to Kurt? Wasn't he good enough in bed? Wasn't he a good enough boyfriend? Wasn't he what Kurt deserved?
"Noah?" Kurt's voice was tentative and when Puck looked up into his eyes, he found sympathy there and, for just a moment, he hated Kurt, hated the fact that he still loved him, loved him just as much as he did that morning when he had left for work with a kiss and a, "See you later."
"We were just taking time but it wasn't working, you know it."
Puck scoffed, almost shouted, 'what are you talking about?' He shook his head and pushed away his mug. He got up, took a step and stopped. When Puck turned to look at him, Kurt seemed relieved. It hurt more than anything else. He opened his mouth as if to say something, as if trying to beg Kurt to stay. Then a voice in his mind asked if it was worth it.
He shook his head again and started to leave.
"I hope that in time we will be able to be friends again."
Kurt's words stopped him in his tracks. He wanted to laugh and call Kurt crazy but Puck knew himself enough to realize that he wouldn't be letting Kurt go whether that meant suffering by being just friends.
*
The first time Puck met Dough he tried to play it cool. He extended his hand and shook the guy's with a fake smile on his face and a "nice to meet you" that actually meant, "I hope you fell down the stairs and break a leg... maybe both."
But Kurt was smiling so Puck sucked it up throughout the evening.
They were outside the Restaurant waiting for a cab when Puck glanced at Kurt, Kurt who was wrapped around someone else's arm, and decided it was enough. He turned around without saying anything sure that Kurt wouldn't even notice. He counted ten steps before Kurt's voice calling his name finally reached his ears, not that he was waiting for Kurt to ask him to stay.
Kurt ran up to him and grabbed his arm. "Noah, what..."
"I understand, I do, he's someone better," he said in one breath, keeping his eyes on the ground. "Maybe he'll get you better than I ever did," he added and thought, 'but won't ever love you half of how much I loved you.' "But it's been just... just five months. It's not enough time. Fuck!" he swore and looked straight into Kurt's confused eyes. "I still think about you, okay? This being friends isn't working."
He made himself pull out of Kurt's grasp, not that Kurt put up a fight to keep him there, and took a few steps back. He raised his hands in surrender and shrugged. "It seems beneath me, but sometimes it's not so easy to wish you well and let you go. I know you need someone but this... this just feels so soon." He sighed, his shoulders dropping under the weight of what he was feeling. "Why can't you just be lonely?" he asked in a half-whisper and hated himself, wondered how much lower he could sink.
He didn't wait for an answer.
"When did you last speak with Kurt?" Finn was dressed in his uniform. He had barely been back but was already over at Puck's, a cold beer in one hand and his fingers twisting his wedding band.
"A few months ago."
Finn rolled his eyes behind Puck's back and took a sip of his beer. "When?" he asked unrelenting.
Puck finally gave up, closing his ledger and running a hand over his shaved head. "I don't know. Christmas I think."
"What?"
"I said..."
"I heard but dude, we're in July."
"I know. I've been pretty busy lately."
Finn shook his head and got up. He put his beer down on Puck's desk and came to stand next to him. "Rachel says that some things should just stay broken. Like Me and Quinn or her and Lima, but I don't think I agree." He patted Puck twice and then picked up his beer again. "Maybe you could talk it out with him."
"He's taken."
"So what?"
"I'm not going to chase after him, Finn."
"Isn't he worth it?"
Puck frowned down at the page and voiced what he had known all along. "I'm the one who's not worth it."
"That's so stupid," Finn commented before leaving.
Puck kept staring at the ring Finn's beer had left on his desk long after he had been left alone. He wanted Kurt, probably always would, but it was better this way.
*
They met again in October, in a bar of all places. Puck was relaxing after a day spent under the sun and Kurt was staring at his drink with a bored expression on his face. He had no intention of going over, in fact he had turned around to leave when Meg, the barmaid, called his name. His eyes found Kurt's instead of Meg's and he willed himself to shifts its focus.
"Hey babe."
"It's been ages. Where have you been hiding?"
Puck shrugged, his eyes diverting back to where Kurt was staring at him.
"Well, now that you're here, what can I get you?"
Meg was pretty, in a swimsuit-magazine kind of way. Sun kissed skin and blond hair, Californian to the bone and back in high school she would have been Puck's perfect wet dream, but he had stopped noticing those things. He flirted back with her barely to pass the time.
"A beer is fine."
"Coming right up."
He started staring at the counter drumming his fingers against the wood. He felt Kurt standing behind him before he could check once again if Kurt was still staring at him.
"Hey." Kurt's voice was tentative and shy, and it brought Puck back of years.
"Hey, Kurt."
"How are you?"
Puck noticed how Kurt's fingers kept fidgeting. He wondered why Kurt was nervous. "How's... What was his name?" he pretended not to know even though that name had been the center of his hate for the last year.
Kurt's lips stretched into a grin. "It was Dough but we're through."
Puck nodded. It felt dangerously close to meaning something. He wondered if it would made a difference if he said now that he missed Kurt but something kept him from uttering the words and he knew it wasn't pride as much as self-preservation.
"Sorry to hear that."
Small talk wasn't them so they fell into an uncomfortable silence. Puck took a breath and glanced to Meg to see if his beer was coming.
"You didn't answer. How are you?"
Puck shifted his gaze to Kurt and licked his lips slowly. "I'm good." It was half a life. He was better now, keeping busy with his business and Finn and Rachel. "You?"
"Good."
Puck nodded and smiled. "Great to hear that." Then it was just too awkward. "I have to go," he said quickly.
It was still too soon.