This chapter is probably the last. I wanted to write something that showed how both characters are going to deal with their future. I hope I have done that. I would love to write a longer fic in the future and still may do so, but I feel that in the way I've written this I have limited myself.
Anyway, to the story. I picked up right where I left Tate and Violet, this time from Violet's POV...
Violet's POV
For a second I don't know where I am. I feel five years old again, waking from a nightmare. Any second now my Dad will come running in to make sure I'm okay. Except it's not a nightmare, not exactly- and my Father doesn't come. Instead, as my eyes clear and adjust to the light I find the last person I would expect stood at the end of my bed, staring at me, face alarmed.
"Vi, before you-" he reaches his palms out to me and his voice is pleading but I cut him off.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I yell at him as I realise he's been watching me sleep and that I don't know how long he's been doing it. I get this weird feeling where I'm a mix between horrifically angry and a little self conscious.
"I'm sorry, Violet. I'm sorry. I don't..." he trips over his speech, voice rising in the tragic hysteria only Tate can achieve, "this never happens. It'll be the first and last time, I promise. You just called my name and-" he seems to realise he's said something wrong because he cuts himself off and looks at me, face stricken with fear and instant regret.
I said his name? I think about this for a moment, what it means. It means he knows I was dreaming about him. A dream which confused me. It was a bitter mix of horror and heaven. Tate was there, that was the horror, of course. But in the dream I forgave him, I let it all go, I realised I didn't want an eternity alone- I chose a sick sort of heaven. It was only a dream though, reality is more painful- I can't allow myself to be that weak.
"Vi, I don't- I'll go" he tells me with red ringed eyes.
"No" I don't remember opening my mouth to form the word, or even giving the okay for my brain to send a message to my mouth to say so, but it's been said now. I can't take something like that back. Well, I could. But here, now, looking at him like he is. All self hating- all doom and gloom- all hopeless. The boy I know I loved once, stood right in front of me, not even meters away. The boy I haven't seen for five years. The boy I've thought about at least once each and every day of those five years. I can't send him away again.
I wait for him to say something, anything really. Part of me just wants to hear his voice and part of me knows that if I say anything now I'll break. This hard exterior I've created, this wall I've built between the me who cares and the me who lies about it- it'll all come crashing down. I can't afford for that to happen.
"Violet" he says my name, plain and simple but his voice croaks a little and I think he might cry and for a small moment I allow myself to believe he still cares. But how can he, how could he ever have cared? That boy, he's a monster. I have to keep reminding myself because if I don't, I-
"Can we talk maybe, just for tonight? Can we just have tonight?" his voice pleads and his steely eyes are locked with mine. I'd never been very good at saying no to Tate- there was never much I wouldn't give him. But that was before. That was when I hadn't known. I can't let him back in, even for a night. Because when you'll exist forever you start to hold onto every moment and if I do this, tonight, I know we're both capable of clinging to this for years and I don't think I could survive that.
"No, Tate" I don't need to say his name, it's totally unnecessary in fact, but I want to, just this once. "Tate" I say his name again, allowing myself a sweet taste of my past weakness.
"I still love you" he tells me and I shrug and drop his gaze, my excuse a large pack of cigarettes on my dresser. I reach over and pull one out, putting it into my mouth- careful not to let what he just said process. I need a light.
"Here" he extends his hand out to me, being careful not to make any step closer. He flicks the small lighter between his skilled fingers and I let the flame catch the end of the cigarette.
"Thanks" I say before taking a long drag. I taste nothing, feel nothing, but I let my eyes slide shut out of habit- only for a moment.
"Do you really want to do this?" I ask, removing the cigarette from my mouth and setting it on the dresser. Do I really want to do this? Surely, after five years, he's thought of something more than sorry. Surely he can give me a sane reason, one that will make it all okay. Looking at his face now- his lips turned down, his eyes darker than night and slowly filling with tears- for a split second it makes me wonder whether I even need a better reason, but then I remember what he's done.
"I do Violet, I do." He lets a tear escape. He is the only boy I've ever seen cry. The only boy I've ever known to make himself so vulnerable, open himself up so completely, without shame. I love that about him. Loved that.
"I know you want me to tell you why, but I- I also know you're smarter than that Violet." He's crying openly now as he slumps down on the bed beside me, pulling his knees up to his chest. His eyes never leave mine. I don't make a move away from him, but I don't move to comfort him either. "There is no reason for what I did except what you already know, you were right. I am the darkness, I'm a-" he breaks off into a sob and rubs his face with his long striped sleeve and I feel the beginning of tears in my own eyes but I blink them back and grit my teeth. He needs to do this. "I'm a monster, Vi. A goddamn monster." He breaks eye contact finally as he buries his head into his hands.
I watch him and I find myself tracing back my memories of him. I think about the first time I'd seen him. I knew then there was something wrong with him, he was my father's patient after all, but I'd seen him and he'd smiled and I'd thought, no- I decided, that I could forgive it. Whatever was wrong with him, I wasn't perfect either, we could be imperfect together. Then I remember telling him he was the darkness, that he was to blame for everything and watching him break at my words. But I was wrong, he isn't a monster. At least, he wasn't always that way, it's what he's done that made him like that and I think there is only two ways this can go. Either we can spend our eternity miserable- both hating him, or I can forgive him and he can forgive himself. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that, but I decide that whether we end up together or not, I can't see him like this, I can't let him hate himself forever. I need him to stop running.
"Then why are you crying?" I ask him in a cold, calculated tone- well practiced.
"What?" he croaks, startled as he looks back up at me. His face is tragic, tear stained, red blotchy cheeks. He's never been so broken, or so beautiful.
"Monsters don't cry Tate, so why are you crying?" I need to ask him this because I need him to admit that it's a lie, it's an excuse. I need him to realise he can't hide behind that label forever. He needs to own what he's done. If he ever wanted me to be able to move past it, if there was ever a chance, he has to let it all go first.
"Because it hurts, Violet! Because I hurt! Because I hurt you!" he yells at me with a raspy voice, filled with confusion and pain and anger.
"No, that's not enough" I tell him in a level tone even though my breath is shallow and I feel a lump climbing up my throat.
"What more is there? I'm telling you how I feel" he pleads and tries to grab for my hand but I pull it out from under him.
"No, Tate. No, you know that's not true. Who's hurt really? Why are they hurt?" I bait him cruelly, but necessarily. I want him to realise I'm not torturing him, I want him to stop and understand. But he's so upset and so mad that he can't see past my words.
"Everyone! I hurt everyone!" he yells at me, "I hurt that prick, I hurt those kids, I hurt everyone, I hurt your Mother" he chokes on his words and falls off the bed onto his knees and I go with him before I realise what I'm doing. I turn him to face me and wrap my arms around his shoulders.
"I did it- I did it all because I could and I'm so- I'm so sorry Violet. There is nothing more I can say and I know its not enough but I'm not him anymore." he cries into my neck as I pull him closer, "I've never felt like him- not when I'm with you. He isn't me." He whispers angrily and I feel for the first time like he's starting to understand, not that he is blameless, but that he is broken, fragmented into two very different people. One I'll always hate and the other... the other I might one day be able to love again.
"I know, Tate, I know" I whisper in the darkness. I believe him and not because he's crying or because I'm holding him or even because I'd just dreamed a similar scenario only minutes ago. It doesn't change what he did just the same as I can't change what I've done in the past. He is not a monster, he is not darkness, surely he was once but now those are just excuses, just names for us both to hide behind. But if he's really done hiding, if he's ready to try and fix himself, I'll be there, we are done hiding and we might stand a chance.
"I love you so much, for always" he whispers in a shaky voice, his lips brushing against the skin on my neck softly.
"I know" I tell him again. If I choose to let myself love Tate, forgive him, then I have to forgive who he is now. I have to forgive that he has another side and hope and pray and more then anything help him keep that other side, the darkness locked away. I don't know if I can ever forgive what he's done, but my Mother once told me you can't choose who you love and I sure as hell can't choose not to love him.
Tate tried to save me once, I owe him the same.
AU NOTE: Thanks for reading :)