A huge thank you to all who reviewed and added this story to your favorites and story alerts! I didn't think so many people would like this story. I went back and made some small edits to chapter one – nothing major, just fixed a few things that were bothering me, word choice wise.
If the Harry Potter universe belonged to me, Fred would have never died and Luna would be with Neville. But neither is true, therefore, this universe was not created by me. I just enjoy having fun with it.
Chapter Two
A knock at the door startled her. Well, it wasn't so much as a knock as a pounding that shook the wall and put her picture frames in danger of falling to their dooms, but that was beside the point.
She looked up at the clock in alarm. Had that much time really passed? The iron hands of the clock taunted her from their position at precisely seven o'clock. She swore under her breath, searching desperately for a place to hide what she'd been reading.
"C-Come in," she squeaked, rushing around the room in a panic. They could not know that she, Hermione Granger, had spent the last forty-five minutes immersed in a trashy romance novel.
The door swung open and she froze in the middle of the room, hiding the book behind her back and attempting to look natural.
"Hello!" she greeted, wincing internally at how falsely chipper her voice sounded.
The twins stood in the doorway, eyebrows raised.
"And what are you hiding, Miss Granger?" George asked, smirking.
"Hidi – Hiding?" she asked, clearing her throat to rid it of that awful high pitch.
"Nice try, Hermione. This is us you're talking to," said Fred, grinning evilly.
"Umm…"
"Thought so."
They entered her apartment slowly, identical grins on their faces. She took a step back for each of their steps forward until she found herself pressed against the kitchen counter. Her eyes widened in horror as they closed in on her.
George made as if to reach out and grab the book, and she turned away from him. This was, apparently, the twins' plan, as Fred snatched the novel out of her exposed hands and whooped with glee.
Hermione shrieked and tried to grab it back, but he easily held it out of her reach.
"Nights of Juniper?" he scoffed, raising an eyebrow at the title. It was over. It was all over. Why hadn't she just thought to banish it to her room? Or at least shove it under the couch?
"Fred, give it-"
He thumbed through the book doubtfully, landing on her bookmark.
"No! I-"
He held the book up a tad higher, grinning down at her, eyebrow raised. He cleared his throat, adjusting invisible glasses, and squared his shoulders in a rather Percy-like fashion. "Her hands," he began to read, "tangled in his hair as he slid lower, kissing his way down from her-" He stopped speaking abruptly, staring down at the page openmouthed. He skimmed the page in silence, turning steadily redder with each word. He made an odd choking noise and shut the book, holding the book out awkwardly in Hermione's general direction, not meeting her eye.
Hermione did not see this, however, as she was busy hiding her face in her hands, groaning unintelligible, mortified syllables into her palms.
Fred opened and closed his mouth a few times, looking like a bright red fish out of water before finally throwing the book onto the couch away from him with a bit too much force.
"So," said George, laughter in his voice, causing both Fred and Hermione to look up at him, "never knew you were into those types of books, Hermione."
"I- I um… It's not… I can read what I want!" she spluttered, attempting to look indignant. The effect was rather ruined, however, by the red flush of heat radiating from her face and neck.
"Ickle Ronnie not enough for you, eh? Who would have thought? The little bookworm… And here we were, Fred, thinking she was such an innocent little thing…" George shook his head in mock disappointment. Hermione turned, if possible, even redder.
Fred snorted, seeming to be overcoming the initial shock of finding Hermione reading such risqué material. "It is rather surprising, isn't it? I mean, Ronnie's always been rather… vigorous in all he does… One would think… But apparently that's not enough for one Miss Granger." He grinned as Hermione glared furiously up at him, cheeks still bright pink.
"Would you like us to have a little chat with our brother?"
"Drop a few hints?"
"Pointers?"
"Blatantly obvious statements?"
"No!" Hermione yelled, rubbing her temples.
"Why ever not? Apparently, he's not exactly-"
"He's not doing anything, George!" Hermione snapped.
"Obviously," Fred snickered. "But that's easily-"
"No! You…" She sighed, squeezing her eyes shut tight as the words spilled out of her mouth. "You don't understand. He's not doing anything. We're not doing anything… We never have done anything…"
For a long moment, the flat was silent.
"No," the twins breathed in unison.
"Yes," Hermione groaned, making her way to the couch and collapsing face down upon it.
"How… How is that even possible?" Fred cried. Hermione turned her head and glared at him. "I mean… Has he not met you?"
Hermione buried her head in the cushions once more with another groan. "It's not his fault," she grumbled into the cushions.
"Um… beg pardon?" asked George's voice. "All I got out of that was 'zott-sniz-faw'…"
She picked her head up and glared at him this time.
He held his hands up to shoulder height, "Excuse us for not speaking Gobbledegook."
She sighed again. "I said it's not his fault… he's not the one that's…"
An awkward silence filled the room.
"Oh," said the men, shifting their weight uncomfortably from foot to foot. George scratched the back of his neck, suddenly becoming very interested in the kitchen faucet.
Fred took a tentative step forward. "Um… Hermione? Do you… Do you want to talk about it?"
She stared at him dubiously. "You want to discuss feelings with me? Are you feeling alright? Been trying out new sweets for the shop or something?"
"Oh, you cut me to the quick!" he exclaimed melodramatically, placing a hand to his chest. "I'll have you know that I can be very sensitive and insightful!"
Hermione and George snorted in unison.
"…Okay, fine. But… maybe I – we- could help somehow?"
She missed the incredulous look George shot him from the other end of the couch.
"No, I don't think there is… Thanks though…"
George breathed a silent sigh of relief.
Fred's eyebrows furrowed slightly as he studied her. "Are you-"
"I don't want to talk about this, guys. We're done with this conversation. Can we go now? I want Szechuan chicken…"
Fred looked as if he was about to protest, but was cut off by a decidedly unmasculine noise that could only be classified as a giggle from his twin.
Hermione turned and raised an eyebrow at the tall red-haired man.
He gave an awkward cough. "What? Snez-qwan is a funny word!"
"Course it is," Fred laughed, "you've said it wrong."
Hermione's stomach rumbled loudly. "We are eating now," she announced, getting to her feet and grabbing her purse.
"Always the bossy one," Fred grumbled under his breath.
"I could always just leave you here… George and I will have a lovely dinner, I'm sure." George took her arm, preparing to apparate alongside her.
"What? No! I want Kung-Pao foodstuffs!" Fred cried, launching himself over the couch and to her side.
She grinned. "Thought so."
They appeared a few uncomfortable moments later in a dark back alley.
"Hell, Granger, if you wanted to ravage us so bad, you didn't have to apparate us all the way to some questionable alley," said George's voice.
"Yeah," came Fred's voice, very close to her ear. She jumped. He chuckled and she felt him move in closer. He lowered his voice. "Your flat would have been much more comfortable."
Hermione was greatful for the semi-darkness that hid her blush. "Badly," she corrected automatically. "I wanted to ravage you badly."
Her eyes widened as the twin's laughter alerted to her as to what exactly she had just said. "I – I mean – I don't-"
"Oh, there's no point trying to deny it, Granger. We know we're unfathomably handsome."
Hermione shivered as Fred's breath ghosted against her neck and leaned back instinctively, standing closer to his warmth.
"Oi, you two can ravage each other later," said George impatiently. "I want food."
Hermione gave a little start. What was she thinking? He was Fred Weasley, for Merlin's sake! Her boyfriend's brother, for one.
Oh, Merlin, that's right. She had a boyfriend. Guilt flooded through her as she berated herself for her momentary lack of judgment.
She led the twins to the restaurant, trying to convince herself that it had been merely a natural, instinctual, hormone-based reaction. It meant nothing, she was sure. Of course it didn't.
The tinkling of the chimes as pushed open the door startled her out of her muddled thoughts.
"Whoa," Fred and George whispered in unison.
Hermione turned to see what had caught their attention and had to stifle a laugh at their awestruck faces. They were gaping around the room at all of the bright wall hangings, paper lanterns, and exotic dishes.
Fred caught sight of a flaming wok and gulped audibly. "Is this considered a… erm... dangerous experience, Hermione?" he asked, eyeing the flames uneasily.
She snorted, a decidedly unfeminine sound that would make her great-grandmother roll over in her grave.
The men turned to face her, and she choked back another giggle. "Of course not!" She grinned slyly. "Why? Are you scared?"
They narrowed their eyes at the challenge. "Of course not," said George. "We were just-"
"Worried for your safety," finished Fred with a wink.
Hermione rolled her eyes and turned with a smile to the approaching hostess.
"Table for three, please."
They sat down at a booth towards the back of the restaurant, in a peacefully secluded area.
Hermione flipped through the menu, listing recommendations to the men across from her.
The waiter came by, and, after a short and highly immature argument between the two brothers over who would order the kung-pao chicken, they placed their orders. They lapsed into small talk about the shop – which was "booming marvelously" –, and Flourish and Blotts – which was alright, but not a job she planned on making into a career -, and the general ambience of the restaurant.
The food arrived and, once again, Hermione had to bite down on her lip to keep from laughing at the looks of trepidation they were giving their plates. If there was one thing the Weasley twins were good at, it was making her laugh, whether they were trying to or not.
"Uh…"
"It is safe…"
"Right, Hermione?"
"Oh honestly," she huffed. "Would I try to poison you?"
They glanced at each other, looking paranoid.
"Maybe."
"Possibly."
"I could see it happening."
She rolled her eyes and took a large bite of her Szechuan chicken. "See?" she said, swallowing and grinning up at them. "Not poisoned."
"Yours isn't, maybe!"
She raised an eyebrow. "Fine. I'll taste test it for you." She ate a bite first of George's Mongolian beef, then Fred's kung-pao chicken. They watched her apprehensively as she chewed, then swallowed.
"See?" she said. "Perfectly fine. Now eat! You'll like it."
The twins shared a look, then nodded at each other. Hermione ignored this silent communication, having grown used to it over the years.
Moving as one, they reached for their forks and each skewered a piece of meat off of the other's plate.
"Ready, Gred?"
"Ready, Forge."
Hermione raised an eyebrow.
"On three."
"One…"
"Two…"
"Three!" they announced together, popping the food into their mouths and chewing slowly.
Hermione watched in amusement as their expressions changed from those of apprehension to those of stunned delight.
"Bloody hell!" they cried, eyes wide, as they stared from Hermione to their other halves.
Hermione laughed. "Honestly, don't you two trust me? One would think that you were about to eat doxy droppings."
George went slightly green as Fred began to chuckle.
"Oh, well, Georgie here knows all about that, don't you, Georgie?"
George waved away Hermione's quizzical look. "Don't want to talk about it," he choked out.
Deciding to let the matter drop, Hermione went to take another bite of her chicken, but nearly jumped out of her seat as George's hand suddenly darted out and smacked Fred's hand, which had been steadily sneaking towards George's plate.
"Oi!" Fred snapped, nursing his red hand.
"Get your own, Alfred."
"You know, it's really quite a shame Mum didn't give you a longer name…"
George stuck his tongue out at his twin, who began to eat, the food quickly erasing his bad mood.
Their conversation fell into an easy rhythm, discussing anything and everything that came to mind, before finally settling on the latest Weasley brunch announcement. Charlie had finally brought someone home to meet his mother, for the first time in years.
"Never thought I'd see the day," declared Fred.
"Like I said," George said around a large mouthful of steamed vegetables, "I'd started to think he really was having an illicit affair with his dragons…"
"Still is, mind," Fred added. "He's just tacked on something new to the list as well."
"At least I like this one. Remember that one he brought home in our fourth year?"
"That one Swedish bird? With the legs?"
George nodded and both twins shuddered, staring off into the distance.
"What was wrong with her?" Hermione asked.
"What wasn't wrong with her?" Fred muttered.
"I'll never see caterpillars the same again," George moaned, his right eye twitching slightly.
"What do you mean?" she asked, her imagination whirring into action.
"You don't want to know," George said, looking into his glass as if wishing to drown himself in his ginger ale.
"Point is," Fred said, gesturing towards Hermione with a forkful of chicken and vegetables, "this one's sane. Normal, even. No… funny business. This one's good. Thank Merlin."
"About time," snorted George. "Mum's been going spare, what with him turning twenty-eight in December… She thinks that if he doesn't settle down by the time he's thirty… Never thought I'd see him bring home someone normal…"
"Never thought he'd bring someone home at all, after Margit…"
"Never thought he'd bring home Oliver Wood…"
There was a moment of silence in which they all stared off in different directions, pondering what Hermione had just said.
Fred and George began muttering, seemingly to themselves. Hermione caught random phrases, such as "Right you are…", "Got me there…", and "Didn't really see that one coming…"
They ate in silence for a moment.
"But, I mean… I suppose… Looking back… There were signs," mused Fred. "He was always patient… Didn't mind doing Ginny's hair and everything when he was on break from Hogwarts… Always helping Mum in the kitchen… Never took girls too seriously… He always had far too much control around those girlfriends of his… I mean, they went around practically half naked… You'd have to be bent in order to be able to keep your hands away as well as he did… I'd just always chalked that up to him being a bit of a… well… playboy. Him and Oliver, both."
George snorted. "Funny, now, how we used to look up to them, innit Freddie?"
Hermione laughed. "Bit ironic, yes, all things considered."
"Now, Olie… Olie… I really didn't see that one coming…"
"Well… think about it, Fred. He was always lingering around the locker rooms… mind, I always just thought he was obsessed with the smell of sweaty Quidditch pads… He never really had a steady girlfriend… He was always so… neat…" He began to laugh. "Remember that time, when we thought… Him and Percy?" His laughter continued for a few moments before ending abruptly.
The three shared a look.
"You don't think - " Fred started. "Nah… Percy? I mean…"
They all made similar faces of distaste.
"Well… If they did… Hopefully this won't be too awkward. Percy has Audrey, after all, so it must have been just some… phase. If it happened at all, that is. He won't have a problem with him dating Charlie, will he?" Hermione asked, biting her lip worriedly.
"Nah, I don't think so," said George. "He seemed pretty happy for them on Sunday. It'll be fine…"
They nodded and continued to eat in silence.
"It's quite a shame, really, in some ways," Hermione considered. "So many girls would give up their wands to be with either of them… And here they are with each other! It's funny really."
Fred rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. Everyone knows we're the best looking Weasley boys. And anyways, more for us. We'll gladly let them cry on our shoulders."
George shoved Fred playfully, but hard enough to knock the suggestive smirk off of his face. "Speak for yourself. I don't want any of those crazy birds. Not to mention, Angie would have my wand."
"If you know what I mean," Fred said, suggestive smirk back in place.
Hermione rolled her eyes again as George laughed appreciatively. "That too!"
"Well, good on him," Fred announced after a moment, with a tone of finality, as if the matter was settled.
"To Charlie and Oliver – our dragon obsessed brother and his equally Quidditch obsessed boyfriend," George declared, raising his glass in a toast. The others followed suit and drank to the new couple.
"Two fanatics under one roof. Merlin help them," Fred mumbled, raising his eyes to the ceiling. "I can see Oliver waking Charlie up at three in the morning to go over the division of the weekly chores…"
All three laughed at the image and finished off their meals, Fred and George regaling Hermione with stories of Charlie's terrible past girlfriends. Hermione was glad for this excuse to not speak. She let herself get lost in the stories, letting herself forget all about the afternoon's awkwardness.
The bill came towards the end of a particularly horrifying story of a Romanian girl called Crina and Hermione paid with muggle money, which the Weasley twins found utterly fascinating ("Thinner than parchment…", "You can fold it?", "Why's this old bird not moving?", "This is all money? What a weird shape…").
The waiter returned with the change and fortune cookies, effectively changing the topic of the Weasley's rapid fire questions.
"What are these?" asked George, holding a fortune cookie up to his eye for inspection.
"Fortune cookies. You break them in half… like… so…" Hermione explained, demonstratin the process, "and read your fortune, then eat the cookie."
Fred quirked an eyebrow, eyeing the slip of paper. "Fortune? Thought you hated Trelawney…"
"It's not a real fortune, Fred, it's not divination. It's just a muggle thing. See, mine says 'The key to your future lies before you.'"
George smiled, throwing his arm around his twin's shoulders and winking at the witch sitting before them. Catching his drift, Fred looped his arm around George's shoulder as well and wiggled his eyebrows at Hermione.
"What?" she asked, munching on her cookie.
"So."
"Granger."
"Which one will it be?"
"Oi, how many times do I have to remind you? I am a taken man!"
Hermione shook her head and smiled good naturedly at the twins' antics, holding out their cookies. "And, in case you've forgotten, I'm dating your brother."
George pulled a face. "Yes, but why? 'Keep a close eye on those dear to you,'" he read. "That's not a fortune! That's just… advice!" He turned suddenly to his twin, looking suspicious. "Fred… Have you been putting boiling powder in my underwear again?"
Fred scoffed. "What am I, thirteen? No, I put it in your socks. 'Happiness will come from an unexpected source.' Brilliant. Malfoy's going to come declare his undying love for me next week at the shop."
"Why does everyone get good fortunes but me?" George grumbled as they stood and made their way out of the restaurant and back into the alleyway.
"What can I tell you, Georgie? The universe knows I'm the better looking twin."
"Right. That's why you've ended up with Malfoy, while I've got the beauteous Angelina Johnson."
"If you two are done arguing," Hermione interrupted, holding out her arms. They shrugged and each took an arm as she apparated them back to her flat.
A/N: I was going to continue this chapter, but decided to split it into two at this point once I realized that I'm currently at ten pages on Microsoft Word (which makes this, incidentally, the longest chapter I have ever written).
Yes, I know that fortune cookies are really an American tradition, but hey, they're fun!
I know that Fred's name is most commonly assumed to be Frederick, but honestly, I just think George and Alfred sounds better than George and Frederick… Plus, Alfred has a bit of a quirk to it that I think fits our prankster wonderfully
I want to say thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter, and have added this story to your favorites and story alerts I'm so happy you are enjoying this story! What did you think of this chapter? I welcome constructive criticism wholeheartedly!