John: And here we have our time-honored camp mascot, Larry the hamster. Say hi, Larry!
(High-pitched voice) Hi, there, campers! I hope you're ready to have fun today! Don't forget to respect John and everything he does for you!
(Normal voice) Oh! He talked! Did you hear that?!
Wybie: Are you a gypsy?
John: Uhhhh...
Lydia: A-hem!
(Lydia drops a marble down a ramp and it causes a chain reaction)
(Cut to the camper's shocked faces)
(Noises of a masterfully-built Rube Goldberg machine)
(We cut to a boulder that says "F*CK THE POLICE!" that's sitting on a catapult. A knife slices the rope causing the catapult to activate and fling the boulder, causing it to hit Larry and he and the boulder go hurdling all the way over to Spooky Island)
Lydia: Aw, man... (to John) That was supposed to kill you.
(All the campers are gathered by the flagpole)
John: Alrighty, kids! Today, we'll be on the hunt for a brand-new mascot!
Lydia: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why you gotta put that shit on us? We don't work here.
John: Well, Lydia, we were GOING to make hand-made ice cream,
But someone killed our mascot and now we need a new one becAUSE EVERY GOOD CAMP HAS A MASCOT, Lydia!
...Also, Mae's feeling... Under the weather, and this is one of the few activities I can do without her! Greg, don't eat that! It's not food!
Dipper: Under the weather?
Coraline: Lady-sickness. My mom used to get that all the time.
Wybie: Same for my mom.
Dipper: ...How do you cure it?
Coraline/Wybie: EDGE CLOSER TO DEATH...
(Dipper and Mabel seem freaked out)
Mabel: ... WOO! Mascot hunt! I'm going for one with a lot of teeth!
Lili: It should be cool.
Neil: Yeah! Like a unicorn!
Raz: It should be fierce! And pure!
Lydia: I need a break from John, just one day. Just one. (Notices McGucket dragging a human sized bag covered in red stuff) Hey, John!
John: Yes, Lydia?
Lydia: Why don't you have the McGucket take half of us?
McGucket: Huh?
Lydia: I'll bet he would have a unique outlook on the forest!
John: Why, Lydia, what a wonderful idea! He's such a beloved member of our family. I would love for you all to get to know him better!
Lydia: I for one, would LOVE to learn from my elders.
Dipper: You SERIOUSLY want to go in the woods with the bad guy from every horror movie EVER?!
Wybie: Yeah, he's gonna turn you into a skin suit.
Coraline: Whoa, Lovat, set the weirdo dial to a safe three or something.
Lydia: Calm down, it'll be fine. Besides, anything's better that hanging with John.
John: (crying) Sorry everyone, just... really overwhelmed by all this friendship right now. Alright, who else would like to embark on a friendship walk? Who knows, maybe some of our esteemed McGucket's wisdom will rub off on you!
McGucket: Eeeup. Rub off un ya.
(Everyone except Lydia takes a step back)
John: Alright Lydia! Looks like you're gonna be our trail-blazer! (Hugs her and she begins struggling) I'm just so proud!
Lydia: (Angry kid noises)
John: (sets her down) Everyone else is team John! That means you too, Magic Kid and other Magic Kid.
Lili/Raz: Psychics!
(The groups go their separate ways)
(In the forest)
John: Everyone keep your eyes peeled! You'll never know what you'll find!
Neil: (Holds up a caterpillar) I FOUND A BUG!
John: That's... great! Why don't you hold onto him?
Greg: I'll put him in my teapot for safekeeping! (Puts the caterpillar in his teapot)
Mabel: How many talons would you say we're looking for here?
John: Heheh, um...
Mabel: You know what? I'm just gonna go do my thing. We'll talk after. (Walks away)
Coraline: What's wrong, Dipper?
Dipper: What's WRONG?! I wanted to spend my summer in an air-conditioned laboratory! Not walking around a future Wal-Mart parking lot!
John: Aw, come on, Dipper! Nature can be your friend if you just give it a chance!
Raz: ...There's a raccoon trying to scavenge Norman.
Norman: (a raccoon is chewing on his hair) Get it off! It's gonna eat my brain!
John: I'm coming Norman! (Runs over to the scene)
Coraline: (Looks around and notices something) *Psst* Look! (Points to animal tracks) I smell a mascot! Come on, let's go!
(She, Wybie, Dipper, and Mabel follow the tracks)
Dipper: This isn't what the buddy system is for!
(In a dark part of the forest)
(Horror movie noises)
Owls hooting*
Lydia: ... Look, man, we can just go back to the camp and relax. Mae can be the mascot.
McGucket: You kids think you're sooo smart!
Lydia: What? Uh, how does that relate to...
McGucket: You need to see BEYOND the camp. Into the true beauty of nature!
Lydia: Uh... this looks like the place where teenagers go to get stabbed.
McGucket: ...Probably.
(Back with Coraline, Wybie, Dipper, and Mabel. They follow to tracks to a cave)
Coraline: Ha-ho! Jackpot!
(They go inside the cave and see a bear skeleton)
Wybie: Cool!
Coraline: NOOOOOO!
Mavel: I would've fed them porridge. And it would've been just right!
Dipper: Oh well, I guess we should turn around and go back to live a normal life.
QUACK!*
(A platypus steps out of the shadows)
Platypus: *Hissssss!*
Mabel: Aw! It's so cute!
Wybie: That's a platypus. It's a-actually quite dangerous. I think it has l-like a little poison spur on it's hind-
Coraline: POISONOUS?!?! Awesome! You're coming with mama! (Is about to grab it, but the platypuses balances itself on its tail)
Platypus: *Hissss!*
Coraline: Whoa! Too feisty!
Dipper: Run! And don't let it kick you!
(They run out the cave while the platypus chases them)
(Back to a possible murder crime scene)
Lydia: Hey, so how'd you get that bandage on your beard anyway?
McGucker: Lousy an' the computers...
Lydia: ...I feel like you should be more specific.
McGucket: We're here. (Holds up an axe)
(Menacing music)
Lydia: *Sigh* Well, I guess Lovat was right. Enjoy wearing my skin!
(Instead of skinning her, he cuts away the vines to reveal a beautiful haven filled with animals)
Angelic chorus*
Lydia: It's... beautiful...
Bird: (chirping) *Welcome to the forest.*
Squirrel King: (chittering) *I am the king of the forest and I thank you for coming. Now i wish you will be our ambassador to the huma-* (McGucket stabs it) ... gurk
McGucket: Mascot.
Lydia: DUDE! YOU FUCKING KILLED IT!
McGucket: ...Oh. (Starts fighting off the angry animals) I AM YOUR KING NOW! THE THRONE IS MINE!
(Back at camp)
John: Alright, everyone! Let's take a look at our candidates! We've got... a (Sees Neil with a caterpillar) caterpillar...Which will blossom into a beautiful butterfly! Just like all you campers! (Sees Gaz with a bat) Next, a... bat?
Gaz: Yes...
John: ... Okay.
Lili: I have something! (Holds up a rabbit)
John: Lili, that's incredible!
Lili: ...Is it? Or is it... (the rabbit disappears) An illusion?
John: Wh-where'd it go?! Make it real!
Lili: Oh... I don't know how to make illusions real. This is kinda why I'm here.
(Screaming and laughing)
Dipper: Run! Don't let it kick you!
(The platypus continues chasing them)
John: AH! Kids, get to the pier!
(They run to the pier and the platypus closes in on them)
Wirt: Where do we go now?!
John: I don't know! This was a really bad idea in hindsight!
Dib: I WANT A VIKING'S FUNERAL! LIGHT ME UP!
(Before the platypus can attack, Mae grabs it by its tail)
Mae: What the heck is going on?!
John: We're... Finding a mascot?
Mae: ...Why do you always have to make things weird and complicated?
Norman: Well, I mean, I think this is all pretty normal...
(Horns blowing and fanfare)
(McGucket is seen on a throne which is being carried by a bunch squirrels, and Lydia is sitting in the armrest)
Mae: ...I need more Midol. (Tosses the platypus is the lake and leaves)
John: Alright. Well, seeing as I just accidentally stepped on the caterpillar, and the bat flew away, I guess the platypus is our new mascot!
Coraline: (to Lydia) So, what'd you do?
Lydia: I dunno, man, I think he tried to teach me a lesson?
Wybie: ...What, like about nature?
Lydia: I guess?
Neil: Look! In the water!
(Larry the hamster crawls out the lake)
John: Well how about that? Larry's back! Alright, original mascot!
(The platypus eats Larry)
John: *Sigh* Fine, whatever, it's the platypus.
Mabel: Does this mean we'll be the Camp Mystery Platties?!
John: No, I don't think so.
Wirt: ...What about the pussies?
John: DEFINITELY not!
Lili: Yeah, I like that!
Gaz: Pussies for life.
Campers: YEAH!
John: You guys, no!
Campers: Pussies! Pussies! Pussies! (They walk away chanting)
Neil: I'll make the flag!
Lydia: (to John)...So what's with McGucket and computers?