Chapter 2: Loghain

Loghain. Ah, Loghain. My friend. My brother. How easily you would slit my throat if you knew I was writing this instead of being regal and kingly, like I'm supposed to. That's why you're not going to find out. You might have an aneurism or something, and we wouldn't want that.

In all seriousness, I am yet again at a complete loss as to where to start. Truth be told, I'm sort of wondering if I should be sharing such intimate and damning details, even if it is only on a scrap of parchment. Anyone who reads these documents will know my strengths and weaknesses, which is dangerous to the point of idiocy. But Sister Ailis thinks it helps when you write things down, or at least that's what she said after I asked her advice on the matter. She said it would be good for me to continue with these exercises, so I can better cope with past mistakes and come to terms with them. Maybe she's right. It's worth a try.

Anyway…Loghain, I know you would never want to hear this. You would probably be very cross with me if I ever brought any of it up, but please hear me out. Please let me tell you I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that your father died for me, leaving you behind to guide a fool of a prince who couldn't do anything right. I'm sorry I led you straight to your true love, only to tell you her heart belonged to me. I'm sorry I dragged you into a battle that wasn't yours. By all rights, you should have been allowed to do as you pleased. You should have been a wanderer. A free spirit, going where he wished. Instead you're as much Ferelden's slave as I am. Instead you're here handling half of my affairs, leaving a little girl without her father, a wife without her husband. I wish I could go back to that day. I wish I could take back those moments when I asked you to stay, hand you my horse and all of my riches and tell you to run while you still could.

You should have been a stern but loving man, with a voice akin to steel and eyes as warm as they were unforgiving. You should have been like your father, the way I see him in my memories. Instead you're getting colder and colder with each passing year. The most emotion I ever see anymore is in anger. Maybe that's why I work so hard to give you a tough time.

It's my fault. Even you wouldn't deny that.

Perhaps this shouldn't be left just to letters. Perhaps these words unspoken should be spoken from my heart. Would it do any good, I wonder? Would you actually listen to me?

Do you know what's funny? No really, here's the kicker. For all of my pretty words and heart-felt apologies, I'm about to burden you again.

I'm leaving tonight; with the Grey Wardens, to the Deep Roads. This imminent Blight is something worth fighting for. I need that…a cause. A goal that makes me feel like a human being rather than one of the Chantry's dour-looking statues. I see my people on the streets, and I know they worship me as a God. One might even say I am revered, but they don't know any better. They don't know Maric the Savior is no savior at all. They don't know he can't even save himself.

I'm tired of being…this. A puppet on a throne. A lifeless, soulless void, bereft of everything that once made him whole. That fiery passion youth granted me is naught but a dream, and I hate it. I want that passion back. I want to do something.

Maybe that's actually the reason. Or, maybe I am trying to throw myself onto the proverbial sword. Either way I'm a selfish son-of-a-bitch, but don't misunderstand. This wasn't an easy decision to make. The guilt is eating at me even now.

I know what it's going to look like when you discover me gone. You'll say I'm abandoning my kingdom, abandoning my son, and who knows? Maybe I am. But is being here and like this helping Cailan or harming him? He doesn't need to see that. He doesn't need to see me, not so…incomplete. He needs a father who is put together.

He needs a father like you.

You could have been his father, you know. In a different time or place. Perhaps my poor boy would have been better off that way. So if I don't come back, be good to him, and hope beyond hope he takes after Rowan instead of a fool.

I cherish you. You know that, right? We've never really said the words aloud, but I know the feeling is mutual, despite the fact that your affection is the last thing I deserve. We've come too far to back out now. Even if I threw a tantrum and demanded you leave Ferelden, I doubt you would heed my words. Other than to throw me into a padded cell in Fort Drakon, that is. Besides, I don't even know that such a thing would ever have made you happy.

Do Ferelden proud. As long as we are slaves to her we might as well be good ones, and Maker only knows I've wondered if you would make a better King than I. Perhaps now all of Thedas will have the chance to find out, but more importantly…please take care of my son. He doesn't deserve this. Trust me, it's better that he has you instead.

Brothers in Arms, Always and Forever:

Maric

I'm not sure which one to do next...I'm thinking Fiona or Katriel. I'll probably save Cailan and Alistair for last ^_^

Thanks for reading! :D