Hey everyone. Thanks for making it this far if you did. This little shot is different than the last. It's more of a stream of conscious inside Santana's head. Some background before your start: Takes place the night before Santana confesses her feelings for Brittany at the lockers. It's kind of how I imagine she is feeling. Thanks again for reading. All mistakes are mine. I don't own Glee. If I did we would get a lot more Brittana. Oh and just to clarify, each chapter is titled the song name. The part in parantheses is the artist. Y'all should go listen before reading. It will give you a feel of what was happening in my head. So yeah. Here it is.

Chapter 2: Terrified (Katharine McPhee)

The events of the last week are taking a toll on me. I know I should try and get some sleep, but there is just too much to think about. I'm still recovering from the shock that I actually sang with Brittany today. And I did it in front of people. I think that she takes it lightly, but I tried today. I really tried. And Miss. Holliday has been so good to me. She never once judged.

Things had been going so well. We sang Landslide. And at first no one seemed to realize exactly what it meant for us. What it meant for me. But then RuPaul had to go and make the comment about Sappho. What the hell does she know about Sappho? So what she has gay dads. She still doesn't understand lady love.

God, Santana. Pull it together. This isn't lady love. Not like that at least. I mean, sure, I'm attracted to Brittany. I've known that for years though. And sure I have checked Quinn out a few times too. But who wouldn't check out Quinn? I've seen Rachel peek a look. It's just because beauty never goes unnoticed. Girls check me out all the time.

But that doesn't explain why I've continued to sleep with Brittany. Why do I keep going back to her? Even with Puck, who had more than enough sexual prowess to please me, I always found my way back into Britt's sheets. Of course, she's incredible in that department so I should go back. She knows my body like no other. She does things that Puck would never even consider trying. She gets me.

If I don't feel anything for her though why am I so intimidated by Artie? Not intimidated. You know better than that, Santana. You fear no one. You fear nothing. And some cripple in a sweater vest certainly doesn't intimidate you. But he has her…

And he has some effect on her that I don't. Whenever I hang out with her after they've been together she seems different. Like happier. But not in the bubbly way I make her. She seems content—like she has something more to look forward to everyday. Why can't I do that for her? God I wish I knew how she felt about all of this.

I wonder what she is doing now. No doubt sleeping. It's past two. Jesus I should go to bed. How the fuck am I supposed to sleep though? I need to figure things out. She said things are better with feelings. She said with Artie they talk about those things. What am I so scared of? God, Santana. You aren't scared. Stop telling yourself that.

Feelings. I shut those out long ago. Ever since that bitch on middle school called me a dyke for holding Britt's hand. That was the start, wasn't it? Ah shit. I've been closing off my feelings for Britt since we were thirteen. No wonder why she is getting fed up with it. She probably doesn't even know if I care for her as a friend. I've been a lousy best friend. I criticize her boyfriend endlessly, make fun of all her other friends, and manipulate her. She's cheated on the crip…Artie…because I convinced her that it wasn't wrong. Damn, I've convinced her a lot of stupid shit isn't bad. It's because of me she has thrown around sex like it's some candy to be given out to any and every one. What the fuck have I done?

I should just tell her how I feel. But that would require figuring it out. How do I feel? I know for sure that when I see Artie with her my blood boils. Jealousy? I guess. But it's more than that. It's like I'm angry at everyone. They all seem to piss me off so easily. Even Sam, who has been nothing but sweet, ticks me off. Why am I always so angry? It's not like I haven't had a lot of awesome shit in my life.

Maybe I'm pissed because I always feel like I need to hide things. I can't tell people that I love Glee club because I might lose my status. I can't tell anyone that I actually hate cheerleading. But mostly I can't tell people that I like…if I admit it now, does that make it true? It can't be. I slept with guys. But it was no good. But maybe that is just because I wasn't in love.

Does that mean I'm in love with Brittany? I mean, I know I love her. We've been friends since first grade. But where is the line between platonic love and romantic love? Do I even want to go on dates with her and stuff? Jesus Christ. I do. I want to treat her the way Artie never could. I listen to her. I understand her. And I love her.

Why have I been denying this for so long? Oh right. Because we are in Lima. My family is Catholic. Brittany is, well she's Brittany. Can she even grasp how serious this is? If I tell her, everything could change. I probably wouldn't stay on top at school. Everything will be weird with my family. Her family probably wouldn't care but it still would be harder.

I can't believe I'm even considering this. Pros vs. Cons. The cons are easy. My reputation. My family. Even my friendships. Every single day will be a challenge. Look what happened to Kurt? Shit. That could be me.

Pros, Santana. What are the upsides to admitting how you feel? Brittany. Oh God, that seems to be worth it. Everything would be better if Britt and I were exclusive. And I'm not scared of losing those things. Not really. But I am terrified of being in love. Everything will change because no longer am I accountable just for me. I will have to do better—be better for her.

How could it ever be wrong though? There are a lot of shitty things in this world. But Brittany is not one of them. She's the only thing that's right in all I've done. And I love her. I really do. It scares the shit out of me, but I'm crazy about her. She makes all the loneliness go away. Why would I ever want to be with anyone else?

She's holding back though. But so was I. I bet if I tell her, she will leave Artie. And then we can be together. We can be. And it will be worth it. Because this is real. I mean it. I want her. I choose this. And I'm terrified.