Dead Hearts
Tell me everything that happened, Tell me everything you saw.
I can say it, but you won't believe. You say you do, but you don't deceive me.
-Dead Hearts by Stars
Grumbling, Tony shifts in his bed trying to escape the annoying glare of the sun's rays breaking through the window. Still, the clarity is now obvious as he becomes more aware of his surroundings, sleep slipping away from him. With a frustrated huff, Tony turns over to lay on his back to stare at the ceiling, simply basking in the silence of his room-grateful since his headache would have been ten times worse if it had not been so serene. However, as usual, his peace is cut short once his mind starts to race through the blurry memories of last night.
How did he exactly end up in his bed? Sure, he's woken up before with a naked girl whose name he couldn't remember, much less her face. But he could at least remember small flashes of the blissful union, yet this time...nothing. zip. nada. Though, those one night stands had long ceased after his attempt of a stable-ish relationship with Pepper. Needless to say, he couldn't maintain it. Relationships weren't easy to deal with, much less fix. What's the point in being a genius if you can't fix the problem that matters the most? Trying to ignore the familiar emptiness as he thought of Pepper and their failed romance, Tony decided to focus on the still beautiful friendship they had. So, if he hadn't slept with someone in his drunken state, then why was he half naked?
Well, that was odd. Furrowing his eyebrows in confusion, he lets it slip his mind. Eh, he can always ask Jarvis what happened. He moves onto his next soul-searching topic and he comes across the still-ever present tension with Steve. Oh right! Steve. He had planned this party for him, even a slideshow disguised as dedicated to Iron Man, only for it to be a video montage of Captain America. Its what Tony did, expect the unexpected. It was a video footage of Steve as Captain America in the 1940s and the loving country who mourned his loss. The Captain needed to see that people loved him and even if it hurt him to be reminded of the people he left behind, it would be a good time for the soldier to realize that he was loved and never truly alone when he was in the ice. He had the hearts and spirits of thousands of people with him. Besides, it would've been hell to find such old footage like that, but luckily his dad seemed to keep a lot of memorabilia from Captain America, still...Steve should appreciate his effort in finding an antique novelty.
What drove him to do such a kind thing for Rogers was beyond him. Though if he was truly honest with himself, he still held the admiration and adoration for his childhood hero, even if the superhero in question disapproved of his living style. At least Steve had come to respect him more after his stunt with the nuclear bomb. All he seeked was for Steve to...be proud of him? Accept him? No. He didn't want paternal love, of course not. He wanted a friend he could talk to, hang out with and playfully tease. Sure, he had Banner, but he wanted Steve too...yes, he was a greedy spoiled rich brat!
Ugh, enough of Steve. For some reason Steve reminds him of the old man that died to save his life in Afghanistan. Without warning, Tony is thrown back into the unpleasant memory of how he came to be Iron Man. He doesn't remember much, except escaping and killing a lot of enemies. Although he has the footage of his capture, torture, and the implant of the battery to his heart, he doesn't remember any of it, except for the bright lights and weird voices surrounding him as he's tied to a chair, a camera glaring at his face. So, out of morbid curiosity, Tony could never stop watching the video, always replaying the part where he trashes and screams in terror from the excruciating pain. It's a morning ritual, like a sick fascination with the horror he had to endure and should've killed him. The video reminds him that he is not invincible, a reality check. For Tony, it's part of his life. Reliving the moment that changed his life forever, where one human being gave his life for him, so he could achieve a higher purpose in life: to protect and serve the innocent.
He had to thank S.H.I.E.L.D for managing to recuperate the damaged camera film footage. They had to find it after he had flat out refused to speak of the events that took place in the cave. Apparently, Fury had suspected him of becoming allied with the terrorists. As if! He would've rather died than ever be forced into an alliance with those bastards! And he almost did die if it hadn't been for Yinsen.
"Jarvis, play video 67B please," Tony orders softly, mentally preparing himself for the images that don't cease to amaze him. He believes he has become somewhat desensitized to them from the countless of times he has watched the scene, but the olfactory memories always manifest themselves vividly. Although, Tony can't remember the visual, he can recall the smells: the metallic and bitter whiff of blood spilling from his chest, the salt in his tongue from which he thinks are his tears dripping into his yelling mouth, the moist stuffy stench of dirt inside the cave, and the strange odor of battery fluid excretion from the apparatus connected to his heart.
The video begins to flash before his eyes, momentarily blinding him just like the lamp lights had when the terrorists had unbagged his face. Then, the scene switches to a grungy obscure area where Tony lays unconscious with many men surrounding him, preparing the tools to open his chest with. The whirr of the bone cutter tool can be heard before it meets flesh and then the blood curdling scream erupts from Tony's mouth, his head thrashing violently from the agony-originating from the hole being dug in his chest cavity-radiating to the rest of his limbs. He trashes his head violently while callous hands dig into his shoulders to try and keep his struggle to a minimum, until someone finally decides to gag him with a hand towel. Suddenly, the screams stop and he just lays there unmoving, his breaths ragged as he takes breaths in sharply every time, the sound between a sob and gasp.
Then, he remembers being unable to breathe, a sharp pain in his nostrils as he hit the cool surface of water. In the video he can see himself come out spluttering and gasping, trying to regain some oxygen into his lungs before he is plunged violently into the tub of water again when he refuses to comply and build the Jericho. All he sees is darkness, but he can feel the static of water bubbles swirling around his face, his throat constricting as water surged into his lungs while he screamed terrified underwater when (what he assumed must have been) the moisture seeping into the battery in his chest, sending a scorching sensation all throughout his body-like hot iron ants crawling all over him. On the brink of losing consciousness, he hears a distant hoarse voice mutter an 'okay' before collapsing to the ground, nobody bothering to catch him. He knows now, that it had been his voice.
"Fast forward to minute 45," Tony mumbles. The scene switches to the time where Yinsen dies, Tony standing over him, trying to get him to escape with him. That's the part he does remember and can never forget. Yinsen, his savior. If it wasn't for him, he wouldn't be alive. He's the first one to save him by implanting the battery to his heart and yet again by stalling the soldiers who would've no doubt stopped his attempt to escape. Yinsen was the catalyst in the creation of Iron Man, of the better man he is today.
The man Tony Stark used to be was someone blissfully ignorant to any kind of suffering, but during his accident, he was forced to confront and acknowledge the destruction and harm he had directly caused. However, it was Yinsen who had motivated him via an ultimatum: either to give up and die as a captive man who left nothing behind, but a history of ignorance and destruction, or to live to repair his mistakes and to fight against injustice. Of course, Tony became determined to live with his irreparable heart condition and escape social isolation in order to stop his company from making new munition to sell under the table. However, soon thereafter he realized that it simply wasn't enough. His weapons still existed out there in the world and they were harming innocent people and during that time, not just random people, but people from his savior's village. Yinsen's village.
He still remembers sitting in front of the Tv watching CNN, the screams of innocents terrorized by his creations echoing in his ears, the memory of Yinsen and what he meant to him twisting his face in a mixture of agony, guilt, and horror. He couldn't fail him again. That was his breaking point, he needed to release all his pent up emotions. Unknownst to him, he had over calibrated his flight repulsors, which incidentally, led to the discovery of a new weapon for his iron suit, and its a grin worthy discovery, except he could barely manage a grimace then. With the glass shattered walls of his lab littering his floor, Tony crossed the physical threshold that had previously separated him and his MARK suit invention from the world. He was off to save Yinsen's village, to begin his journey as a hero.
Oh, but he couldn't even get that right. Though he avenged Yinsen and Phil, he should've had never had to avenge them. They should've been alive. Captain America was right, he wasn't a hero, he was just an egoistic selfish bastard who fought for himself, to try to get rid of his own guilt.
By the time he snaps out of his thoughts, the video has already progressed to the part where Tony is flying or more like propelled away. "Thank you Jarvis," Tony says, fully knowing that the computer will interpret it as a dismissal. The video fades, Tony's soft inhales and exhales caressing the walls of the room.
Closing his eyes tiredly, letting the weariness manifest itself into his face, Tony feels his face sag like the skin of an 80 year old man. What was wrong with him? Unexpectedly he feels tears prickle the corners of his eyes, wanting to trail down and mark his cheeks. Realizing the tightness in his chest as fear, Tony tries to overcome his mental breakdown, breathing in deeply and trying to think of things he cared about, people he cared about. Pepper, she always calmed him down, all he had to do was picture her strawberry locks framing the delicate narrow face with her dazzling smile and warm eyes shining with affection. Crisis averted.
"Sir? Do you need me to contact again?" Jarvis cuts in, obviously sensing his master's distress. Last time, Tony hadn't been able to control his panic attack because the fear of failing the people he cared about had amplified after his brush with death during the Loki incident. Tony had called out for Pepper, but she had been running errands, trying to please the media and their questions. So, the next closest friend was Banner. They are science buddies after all and well, he is a doctor.
"No, no...thank you Jarvis," Tony dismissed the request with a wave of his hand, using the other to wipe away the slight sheen of sweat that had pooled at the hollow where his collarbones and neck muscles met. Tony 'tsk' in irritation. When will this ridiculous overreaction stop.
Sure, every day got easier to not succumb to the pull of the flashback, but the physical signs of panic and terror still were unable to disappear. Being weak was not an option, not when another human life was taken just so he could go on living. He didn't deserve that, but he tried so hard to be worthy. Becoming Iron Man was the only right path to take. He had to make up for the years of suffering he had instilled upon innocent people. The countless deaths of American soldiers at the hands of his own weapons would've never happened if he had been responsible enough to become aware of the dirty dealings of Stane. It was all his fault. Tony snapped his eyes open and sat up abruptly, instantly regretting it as the room spun around in synch with his stomach.
"Jarvis, prepare two aspirins and a glass of water please," Tony groaned out with his gruff voice, still grimacing from the painful throb in his head. "Sir?"
"Jarvis I asked for TWO aspirins, you know the ones that help with a hangov-" Tony was cut off from his snappy reply when he hears the computer uncharacteristically interrupt his dialogue.
"Sir, if I may, I was perplexed by your command since the pills seem to be placed on the counter to your left," the AI finished. Tony shifted his gaze to the location specified to find that, indeed, two white pills rested on top of a napkin with a tall glass of water next to them. This arrangement was not how Jarvis or Pepper would prepare them, usually they would still be in their package and a water bottle would sit alongside them.
"Who brought these?" Tony implored.
"I did," a voice spoke from the far corner of the room, startling Tony. He whipped his head to his right and surely, there was Rogers groggily straightening up from his slouched position on the couch.
Unknownst to Tony, Steve had been awake since the moment Tony began to stir from his slumber...or unconsciousness. He saw the heartbreaking emotions swim across Tony's face before he bolted up in slight panic, wanting to get rid of the feeling. He saw the watery eyes blink away the sudden wave of nausea and saw the exhausted defeated form try to regain it's usual confidence. To say Steve was horrified at the sight was an understatement.
Steve had seen how Tony watched the video with wide terrified eyes, clutching the blanket below him, as his lower lip trembled slightly. Tony didn't look like he was watching at all, in fact he appeared to be reliving it, but at the same time fighting against the memories. It's then that the Captain realized what Tony was doing. He was trying to detach his emotions from the scenes, but failing terribly. Scowling, Steve thought that for a genius, Tony wasn't very bright. Watching your own torture was not a good way to overcome the trauma, in fact it seemed to only make it worse-only serving to keep the memories fresh in Tony's mind.
Steve wanted to rush and embrace Tony fiercely, but he knew interrupting him would probably only startle Tony and in the current vulnerable state he was in, Steve didn't know how Tony would react; so, with an incredible amount of restraint, he remained glued to the couch.
How could such a damaged man be so strong, or act every day like he was okay, never showing his inner demons, not burdening anyone-only acting as the fool who would serve as the punching bag for everyone. The horrifying part was that Steve had been one of the people to lash out at the easy target.
He would never view Tony the same way again, not after the images now ingrained in his brain, not to the mention the sounds. Oh god, the screams! The cruel torture Tony had to endure had his guts churning in revulsion and uncontrollable rage. Specially when, Tony's terrifying yells had gradually turned into more of a gurgle as he choked on his own blood, which effectively succeeded in raising the hairs on his arms as quickly as a magnet attracted to iron, along with the tiny bumps surrounding the hair follicle, I think they called it duckbumps or something with a bird in it.
The only footage he had seen before was nothing like this. It was just about his arrogant gloating after preventing another catastrophe or his ego exploding on the stage as he showed off his Iron Man suit at the Stark Expo. Obviously there was more to Tony Stark than he previously thought. Someone truly selfish would've never become Iron Man, much less protect the world, not after the horrid treatment in Afghanistan.
A selfish person would've saved his own life without caring who he stepped over to achieve it and then continued on with their meaningless existence. But not Tony, he fought back against his captors, yet his primary motivation was not revenge, but his and Yinsen's escape and the destruction of the weapons stockpile. He didn't go after his captors in a vengeful way despite his anger over Yensin's death. Some of them died, yes, but that's a given when defending yourself against armed hostiles. Not once did he drag out someone's death, nor did he show any glee whilst killing. In fact, he killed efficiently and quickly.
Of course Steve had come to realize how selfless Tony was during their cooperation in the mission against Loki, but knowing his past just solidified that Stark was truly kind at heart, and had been a long time before he became an Avenger. Now he understood why Tony had become so upset over Phil's death. Stark became Iron Man so good men like Yinsen and Phil didn't have to sacrifice themselves to protect the Earth. Tony had felt like he had failed yet again...but then again, its all speculation. He could be way off and Stark just enjoys the power and glory that comes from being a superhero, but that wouldn't explain his willingness to go on suicidal missions.
"There's only the next mission, that's it," Steve recalls the words Pepper had mockingly thrown back at Tony when they had one of their fights about how careless he was with his life. Pepper had accused him of not caring about anyone or anything, just 'the next mission'. Tony was a warrior, focused primarily in the protection of innocents before anything else, before his own life or interests. Apparently Pepper found that notion incredibly stupid, for it meant that she could lose Tony any second of the day. However, Steve had found Tony's ethics to be quite noble and selfless, not to mention courageous. It's a hero's job.
Tony watches how the muscular body on his couch just stares momentarily into open space, the sorrow briefly sailing across the blue waters that were Roger's eyes, but dismisses it as just another brooding fit from Steve. Instead, he wonders why in the hell the soldier was in his room in the first place and how long he had been there for? Hopefully, he's barely waking up, but his eyes don't look bleary and his posture is too rigid, then again, Captain America always looks perfect no matter the circumstances. He always has that damn great hair and-wait, what was he going with this? Oh yeah, why was the supersoldier nestled in his couch like he belonged there?
Had he invited the soldier in last night? Tony tries really hard to recall his interaction with Steve, but as much as he racks his brain, no new information spews out. All he remembers is going out to look for Rogers, stars...a lot of stars and then darkness, nothing more.
Furrowing his brows in confusion, Tony makes a mental note to stop drinking so much if he's going to be blacking out so often. Who is he kidding, alcohol is the only way for him to fall asleep, well more like lose consciousness because-lets face it-Tony Stark never sleeps. He faints, collapses, blacks out, but never sleeps. He never feels rested when he wakes up, probably because his slumber only lasts 3 hours at its most. But, today seemed to be a new record with 3 hours and 30 minutes of sleep. He could attempt to go back to sleep, but Tony knew that every other 15 or so minutes he would wake up, frenzied and disoriented. Besides, it was already 5:30 a.m., a perfect time to begin the day.
"Uuhh...what are you doing in my room?" Tony couldn't help asking him, even if he came off as rude, but he was seriously creeped out that Steve was here in his room and smiling, no less. Was he still asleep and this was a dream?
Steve noticed the confusion turning Tony's face into one of a lost little boy who didn't know which way was north. It was kind of adorable seeing the Great Tony Stark, unsure of himself. The big brown puppy eyes must be what made him look so young and precious.
"Well, you passed out on me and I felt that it was my duty to look after you given lasts nights circumstances," Steve vaguely explained. Tony gave him a blank look, trying to wordlessly communicate his temporary memory loss.
Then, Tony is struck with recognition. He remembers creating a gift for Steve, but for the life of him he can't even remember if the soldier saw it, much less his reaction to it. Yet, he didn't feel compelled to ask him even as he stood in front of him with a sheepish smile. Weird.
"Right, you were pretty drunk so you probably don't remember," Steve mutters more to himself than Tony. "Okay, so you came to the roof last night to bring me back to the party and-" Steve continued before Tony piped in as he seemed to realize what had happened. So, Steve had seen the movie tribute and he had liked it! Butterflies stirred in his stomach, moving up to his chest, causing him to slightly blush at the sensation.
"Oh! That was nothing, it was just a small token of appreciation for your service to the US and its people, I mean it was nothing so big as for you to feel obligated to repay me. I mean, it was a gift. No repayment required," Tony cut off his embarrassing rambling. Ugh, this headache prevented him from being his suave and charming self, instead he sounded like a stuttering little school girl who just found out that the boy she likes also likes her. Great now he was acting like a love struck twit. Blame it on the alcohol and its after effects. Speaking of being inhibited, why the fuck did his cheek hurt, he can't even talk without it aching.
Steve watched Tony with upturned eyebrows, gently meeting in the center in wonder. A gift? What was Tony talking about? Tony had gotten him a gift...? Damn! That's why he wanted him to rejoin him at the party, probably to give it to him and, instead, he had beat up the surprisingly thoughtful and kind man. No amount of apology will be able to make Tony forgive him for the sudden bout of violence. He could always lie and in turn save their growing bond. Steve focused his eyes back on Tony, ready to tell him the biggest lie (so much for Mr. Perfect) when he saw Tony's hand ready to probe his inflated cheek-although the array of colors decorating the skin the day before were now just a pale purple barely visible, he was sure he hadn't fractured Tony's cheekbone, since the swelling rapidly decreased in just a matter of hours and Tony's left eye could now open and close easily.
Reaching to touch it, Steve stopped him, "I wouldn't do that if I were you," he warned. Tony-angry that someone had dared injure him-became easily exasperated and grinded out, "Well, you're not me," and snatched his hand back, Steve let him.
Reaching again, albeit more gently and cautiously than last time, Tony met his skin sooner than expected. Yep, it was swollen. He winced, feeling the tender area with his fingertips, "Jarvis, how did this happen?" Tony asked out loud, preferring not to address the man staring at him with...shame, or was that guilt. Both, he supposed.
"Mr. Rog-" The AI began to announce, when Tony ignored it and spoke over its voice. Jarvis knew not to say any more.
"Did you do this to me?" Tony's tone acrimonious and menacing, yet his dark brown eyes held a betrayal in them that stabbed at Steve's heart. "I-you, we weren't-" Steve sighed, trying to explain how things happened, but his subtle admission was enough for Tony.
"Get out," Tony whispered quietly, no emotion in his voice. Just unblinking eyes staring a mile away into nothingness. Steve blinked surprised to see Tony's reaction, he looked deeply wounded behind his facade, but he was wise enough to retreat quickly out the door before Tony's shock wore off.
Why did he feel like a traitorous bastard? He had only punched Stark...not fully intending on seriously hurting him. It's not like Stark hadn't done that to him...wait, he hadn't. Tony had never hurt him physically, even with how many times he taunted him, Tony never accepted the challenge. He always thought it was because he was a coward,a dog with no bark, or was it no bite? God damn the 21st century and their sayings. Though, this time Tony had snapped and did punch him back. It's then that Steve realized that he had crossed the line. Sure their personalities clashed and they insulted each other, but it never came to physical blows.
He felt sick, his face ashen with the realization as he saw his reflection against the glossy metal surface of the door.
A/N: Well I couldn't think of a way for Steve to find out about the horrors that Tony had to face, so this is my solution. I know it makes Tony seem pathetic, but I do believe he likes to torture his mind constantly with his failures. So, I just translated that into a physical manifestation (the video) in order for Steve to be able to realize how depressed and guilty Tony really is.