When Naruto woke up the next morning, he was still in Tristain. He was still lying in that ridiculous bed-with-a-roof, and the pink-haired girl, Louise, was still sleeping a few feet away, snoring delicately.

He hadn't really expected anything else, but some part of him had hoped that the whole thing was a long, weird dream, or an elaborate revenge prank by Jiraiya, or something. But no, it was all real, and if he ever doubted it he could just look at the seals on his left hand.

The runes, the old wizard had called them.

Naruto lay on the bed Louise had shared with him, regarding the strange, angular characters with a sense of nameless dread. He'd had seals put on him before; the Fourth Hokage had bound an unkillable demon into his gut when he was a baby, and just like that, two days in, his whole life had been ruined. The snake sage Orochimaru had put a seal on Sasuke that had lured him away in search of terrible power, just as they'd started to become friends.

What would this seal do?

Naruto rubbed the back of his left hand, scratching an imaginary itch. You could see the runes, but you couldn't feel them. They were like seals that way, too.

But, hey, it wasn't like it was forever, right? A couple of days, maybe a week, and the old man would take the seal off and he'd get to go home. All he had to do was stay out of trouble until then.

Piece of cake!

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Guiche de Gramont was having a good day.

Granted, every day was a good day when you were a handsome, talented scion of the house of Gramont. But even though he'd just woken up, Guiche could tell that this day was going to be special. The sun was shining, his magic was overflowing, and that lovely first-year Katie had started to appreciate his elegance. "I see only the depths of your eyes"...that was good. I'll have to remember that line, to use on Montmorencey later.

Yes sir, everything was turning up Guiche.

In honor of the occasion, Guiche laid out one of his flashier outfits. Tristain Magic Academy technically had a dress code, a white shirt and dark blue pants or skirt, but that still left plenty of wiggle room for people who really cared about themselves. Almost nothing went with the dull black of the second-year student's robe, it was as though their teachers had designed it to be as unflattering as possible, but the contrast with the lighter-colored pants let the cloak a certain austerity, Guiche fancied. The shirt was easier; Guiche's had a set of intricate ruffles down the front (drawing attention to the v-neck collar that showed off his manly chest) and another at the wrists (to add weight to his gestures, and serve as a setting for his wand).

It was hard to put it on by himself without creasing the ruffles, but Guiche managed; the third son of a military house like Gramont couldn't expect to have servants around all the time. After all, the Gramonts were a family of warrior mages; enduring hardship without servants was good practice for the battlefield.

They couldn't afford any, either, but Guiche had been ignoring that thought for years. It hardly pained him at all, anymore.

Smiling to himself, Guiche picked up his wand and put the finishing touches on his appearance. The really advanced cosmetic spells were all Air and Water-based, incompatible with his Earth nature, but you could get a long way with just the basics and there was more to life as a mage than just class and elemental affinity. Guiche had always had a gift for aesthetic magic, and so moments later his hair was properly styled and his smile positively sparkled. He cast a soulful look at his mirror, then couldn't help but grin at the results. Perfect.

As always.

And as always, Guiche was late to breakfast. That wasn't a problem: there was always plenty of food, the servants would feed you as long as you showed up at least vaguely on time, and every morning there was a moment, after he opened the door, when every eye in the room turned to him.

A rose blooms for the pleasure of all. Could there be any better way to start the day?

But when Guiche flung open the Great Hall's side door that morning, no one looked. Not even one little first-year. Instead, everyone was watching...

God and the Founder, Guiche thought. That's Louise's commoner.

He'd seen the poor boy the other day, of course, and wondered a little what she'd given him to make him go along with her charade. But he'd already summoned his beautiful Verdanthi by then, and hadn't really cared what kind of ridiculous failure the Zero had produced.

Certainly he hadn't expected to see the guy again.

At his breakfast table.

Stealing his admirers.

(None of them looked very admiring – they tended toward "shocked that a commoner had the nerve to sit with them" or "repulsed by his appalling table manners", but that wasn't the point. Guiche had made a dramatic entrance, and this peasant had had the nerve to spoil it)

So Guiche put on his very best superior smirk, the one he saved for duels and romantic rivals, and stalked toward Louise's table.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Naruto had thought he'd seen the Academy's dining hall already. Big room, chandeliers, tables, statues, huge double doors – pretty darn cool, all in all. Now, seen it as it was meant to be seen, tables loaded with food and chairs filled with students, it wasn't cool at all.

It was spectacular.

Trailing behind Louise, Naruto was stuck looking in every direction at once, trying not to twist his own neck off in his excitement. Isn't there a bloodline technique that lets people twist their bones around however they want? How come I got stuck with a demon fox, instead of something useful like that? It was just so much to take in!

Armored statues lined the walls. The tables and chairs that Naruto'd thought he'd seen last night glowed richly in the morning sun. And then someone had covered those tables with candles, and silverware, and weird flat cakes. And then, in a totally unnecessary cap to all that opulence, someone had actually polished the floor; when Naruto bent down to peer at the checkered light-and-dark pattern of the tile, he could see the outline of his own face looking back at him.

But Louise didn't care at all! She sure wasn't going to kneel down and look at herself in polished marble; she ignored all the amazing decorations completely. So he was forced to scurry along after her – but then again that maybe wasn't so bad. That way, he got to the food faster!

It was pretty weird-looking, but he had to admit it smelled good. Round flat cakes in a sweet-smelling sauce, with yellow-fleshed fruit in little bowls beside each plate. When Louise finally found a place she liked, at a mostly-empty table on the far side of the room, Naruto wasted no time: he plopped down beside her, cross-legged in their huge high-backed chairs, and popped one of the bits of fruit into his mouth.

It tasted as good as it smelled! Naruto let out a little sigh of ecstasy, almost oblivious to the other students sitting down near him. He reached out for another piece, but Louise slapped his hand away! He turned to her, outraged, and she said, "What do you think you're doing?"

Naruto opened his mouth for an angry retort...and stopped. You promised you'd be patient, remember? Stupid brain, always making him do stuff he didn't want to do. But he had promised, so all he said was, "What's wrong?"

Strangely, the question seemed to throw her for a loop; her mouth worked, but no sound came out. Finally, she settled on, "Before each meal, we say a prayer of thanks to God and to Founder Brimir. To eat before we say that prayer is rude." She paused, then added less certainly, "and sacrilegious."

Naruto blinked. It seemed impossible, but looking around he could see that it was true: everyone in the room, from the people next to him to the adults at the head table, was just sitting quietly and looking at their food instead of eating it!

Naruto sighed. "Why'd I have to get summoned to such a weird world, huh?"

Louise matched him sigh for sigh. "Why did I have to summon a familiar who doesn't even understand simple things?"

Be patient...

Before the silence that followed could stretch itself out too much, an ornately robed man at the head table rose to lead the hall in prayer.

Naruto didn't join in; he didn't know the words, and anyway he wasn't sure he liked it. 'We give thanks for this humble breakfast'? This breakfast isn't humble at all, it's great! If I were this Brimir guy, I'd be pretty offended. Naruto craned his neck, trying to discreetly look for a noble-looking pissed-off guy, but everyone looked properly humble and grateful. Maybe he's not here?

Anyway the prayer was over now, so he started to reach for another – Louise slapped his hand again! He was still being patient, so he quietly yelled, "Ow! Seriously, what the hell?"

"A gentleman never eats with his fingers, he uses his fork and knife. Like this." She picked up the little three-tined spear beside her plate and expertly skewered a piece of fruit. Then she chomped it right down. I guess it's one of her favorites, too.

"There, you see?" Naruto nodded. It was simple, you just had to see it done. The other academy kids were watching him learn with with ill-concealed interest. Some weren't even bothering to hide their superior smiles.

Be patient, be patient, be patient...

So Naruto reached for his fork...and Louise slapped his hand away again!

"Now what!"

"This dining hall is restricted to the nobility. You aren't allowed to eat here!"

"I have chakra! That's not so different!"

"It's about breeding and refinement! Really, you shouldn't even have sat down."

"You couldn't have said that first?"

"I didn't think of it!"

"Louiiiise! That isn't fair! C'mon, noble or not I need to eat, right?"

The other students were watching them even more openly now; one blond girl laughed out loud. Louise didn't like it any more than he did, apparently; she bit her lip, and finally said, "Just this once, I'll allow it as a special favor! Understand?"

...

Naruto forced a laugh. "Well, as long as I get fed somehow I guess it's ok." Louise just nodded composedly, as though that were perfectly reasonable.

Even so, Naruto kept his hands clasped in his lap for a moment. Any more interruptions? No? Good. Louise had already turned away, both hands busy cutting the round cakes. The other students had returned to their meals. With a sigh of relief, Naruto reached for his little food-spear...

...when a new voice cut in from behind him.

"Boorish. Crude. Powerless. A fitting familiar for Louise the Zero."

Naruto sighed; at least it wasn't Louise this time. He fought down the urge to swallow all the fruit in one gulp just because, and turned to meet the new obstacle between him and his breakfast.

Blond hair, blue eyes, ridiculous ruffled shirt, obnoxious smirking mouth. For a moment he couldn't place him, and then: "Hey! You're that smarmy creep who was messing around with that brown-haired girl last night!"

The smirk vanished; the blue eyes widened in shock. "What! You couldn't possibly have seen that!"

Naruto snickered. "I wish I hadn't!" He switched to a girly falsetto. "What was that? Did you hear something?" He pitched his voice a little lower, but not much. "Don't worry, sweet Katie, I only see your eyes and hear your voice." Naruto shuddered, and mimed vomiting onto his breakfast plate.

A laugh ran through the watching students. And they were all watching – no one was even pretending to pay attention to their breakfasts anymore. But one in particular, the blond girl who'd laughed at him earlier, wasn't amused. She stood, and said in a trembling voice,

"You said – you said you'd be my Guiche. You said – always – faith..."

Words failed her. She reached across the table, but her target very sensibly stepped backward, out of reach. Thwarted, she slapped the table instead.

"You philandering idiot! I hate you!"

She snarled, or maybe sobbed, and threw herself through one of the side doors.

The blond boy didn't follow. He turned away from his fleeing probably-not-girlfriend-anymore, brandished a rose (!) in Naruto's face, and said "Know this, peasant. My name is Guiche de Gramont, third son of the house of Gramont. For slandering my honor, and bringing tears to the eyes of my dear Montmorencey, I challenge you...to a duel!"

Naruto's breath caught.

Jiraiya hadn't sparred with him for days; they'd been focusing on "stealth", and "restraint", and "self-control", and other crap like that. And his last real fight, with some Rain country jerk, had been a month ago. And technically, he'd only promised to be patient with Louise, right? So Naruto turned to the girl who'd summoned him, eyes shining.

"Is he right? Do they really have duels here? You can just get into a fight, whenever you want?"

Louise cleared her throat uncertainly. "Not – there are rules. You need witnesses, and you have to stop the fight at first blood, you're not allowed to – "

"Yeah yeah yeah, no killing, no maiming, I got it. That's how we do it at home, too."

"It's more than that! Nobles can't challenge each other at all, and even commoners need special circumstances first! I don't think familiars have standing to make challenges at all – "

"I'm the one challenging him," Guiche put in peevishly. Naruto accepted that with a nod, and gave Louise a wide grin and double thumbs-up.

"There, you see? Totally legit!"

But for some weird reason, Louise didn't look like she found Naruto's complete mastery of the rules of dueling very reassuring. She grabbed his shirtfront and pulled his ear down toward her mouth, whispering, "Look, idiot, I know he doesn't look like much, but Guiche is really skilled! You're still weak from the summoning, right? You should back down and apologize, before this gets any worse!"

Now that was just too much. Naruto pulled back, and pitched his voice so that the whole hall could hear him. "Apologize? To this wimpy girly-boy? Forget it! Don't worry about a thing, Louise! I'll end this with one punch!"

Louise slumped in her seat, her face in her hands. "Moron!"

Naruto hardly noticed the insult; he was too excited. Finally, some action! Although, these guys don't train for war like ninja kids do – how strong could he really be? More than anything, in that moment, Naruto wanted to find out.

Guiche seemed to agree; his smile had grown wide and anticipatory. "If that's the way you feel, shall we have our fight right now?"

Naruto blinked. "What, you mean here? Like, on one of the tables or something?"

Guiche and Louise shared a weirdly understanding look. What did I miss? Naruto couldn't bear to ask out loud, so he just grinned and sat back against the table. Finally Guiche spoke: "Follow me, I'll show you to the Vestri Court. It's where duels between students were fought, in the old days."

That's more like it! "Just lead the way!"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Unnoticed by either party, or by the dozens of fascinated spectators, Professor Jean Colbert slipped from Academy dining hall.

The Vestri Court had seen many duels in its three hundred and thirty-eight years. In the bad old days it had hosted several duels a day – back then, the students' right to kill each other over imagined insults had been part of the foundation of Tristainian legal tradition. But after Pope Clement IV banned the practice, the highly-religious nation of Tristain quickly followed suit, and duels between Nobles – between students in particular – were strictly forbidden.

One could outlaw breathing with about as much success, but at least the little monsters had to conceal themselves now. Almost no one died for it, anymore; perhaps that was enough.

Miss Vallière's strange new familiar wasn't a Noble, so one could argue that the old prohibition didn't apply. Looked at that way, nothing inappropriate was about to happen, and de Gramont wasn't an entitled little shit for yelling his intentions at the top of his voice during breakfast.

One could also argue that Guiche de Gramont was an entitled little shit who'd fought more illicit duels than anyone else in the school, for all that he'd only been there a year and a half. Then one might also say that this "Naruto" almost certainly had bizarre, unprecedented powers, and that it probably wasn't a good idea to bait him into using them while surrounded by a crowd of Tristain's future leaders.

If that evil power we felt yesterday wasn't just a fluke of the summoning...If he uses that...my innocent students could all be killed.

Well, innocent-ish students. Professor Colbert had been teaching at Tristain Magic Academy for twenty-one years, and knew better than to think of them as paragons of Noble virtue. But he, who had been stupider and done worse than any of them, could scarcely complain.

And he, who hated conflict and violence more than anyone at the school, couldn't break it up himself.

Cursing the follies of all young people, Professor Colbert raced for the Headmaster's office.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

The Vestri court formed a strangely enclosed space, set in the fields between the outer walls that marked the Academy grounds and the inner walls that made up the Academy itself. A few windows overlooked it, high on the Academy walls, but some quirk of building geometry left it isolated from the rest of the fields that surrounded the inner Academy.

It now held every student in the Academy, and more than a few servants.

Those few students who hadn't been at breakfast soon heard it from their fellows: come quickly! There's a duel being fought, and the teachers know about it, and they're allowing it!

And as if that weren't enough, one of the fighters was Guiche de Gramont, who'd never lost a fight in all his time as a student. And who, depending on whom you asked, was either a handsome, charming exemplar of all the greatest virtues of Nobility, or a cowardly, two-timing pretty boy who would come to a bad end.

And as if that weren't enough, his opponent was Louise the Zero's strange new familiar.The one who appeared in an explosion (well, that isn't so strange for Louise). The one with the terrible table manners (I heard Louise just found a commoner and paid him off, so that's why). The one who Julia said Grammarche saw Colbert and Osmond whispering about before breakfast (what if she really summoned him, huh? What then?).

So the word spread, by mouth and by runner and by Whispering Wind, for those few who could cast it. Lacking those better options, Kirche von Zerbst had dashed for Tabitha's bedroom (which was, as always, warded against noise). Even her reclusive friend, who preferred to dine alone after everyone else had left, wouldn't want to miss this! And she'd been right; Tabitha had looked up from her book, nodded once, and stepped out her window.

(Tabitha's element was Air, and if she miscast her Levitation spell then her wind dragon familiar, Sylphid, was sure to catch her. As always, that offhanded display of power left Kirche impressed; lots of students knew how to cast Levitation, but very few had the Willpower necessary to use it that casually.)

(The servants, meanwhile, spread information in their own way, and faster than the magic-using Nobles could hope to match. For all their power, the Noble students were still just children; fifty years' experience does count for something.)

Together, this mob formed a loose ring, forty feet across and centered on the two blond boys. The one they knew – Guiche de Gramont, strongest of the second year and maybe of the whole student body – was murmuring something to his opponent. That opponent was nodding, shifting from foot to foot, running his hand through his spiky hair, and generally looking bored.

This was Guiche's opponent, the mysterious new familiar? Well, the students began to say to one another, there's a reason they call her the Zero.

And: Well, the servants began to say to one another, appearances can be deceiving.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Naruto loved moments like this. Surrounded by a crowd, every eye on him, about to kick the ass of a guy who really, really deserved it – it was everything he'd dreamed of when he decided to become a ninja. Every sense felt sharper as his too-complex life faded into the background, and he could just focus on one thing: winning. Even his headache was easing off a little.

The ass-kickee of the day, Guiche Gummond or something like that (Naruto hadn't really been listening) was explaining all the local rules for dueling. Was still explaining. Still explaining. Naruto recited his new mantra to himself, be patient be patient be , but finally he couldn't take it anymore:

"Damn it, you said that part already! I get it, I get it: don't hurt the bystanders, don't kill your opponent, accept it if they yield! See? I understand, so let's just fight already!"

But Guiche only smiled. "It would be unkind to start before everyone else is ready. The whole school wants to see this duel. Don't you think we should oblige them?"

Naruto's frown deepened. "So, what, you're just stalling?"

Guiche nodded. "Exactly. This is the first legal duel to be held in our fair Academy for years. I'm sure everyone's looking forward to seeing one for the first time." He winked at Naruto, actually winked, and then added "Especially since I've never fought before."

Naruto's frown deepened still further. "What do you care?"

"It's as true in warfare as it is in love: a rose blooms for the pleasure of all. But," he added, just as Naruto was opening his mouth to make fun of the extreme cheesiness of that line, "I think everyone's arrived. Turn, walk five paces, then turn back, and the performance will begin."

Performance? But all Naruto said was, "Finally."

They turned, walked, and turned again. The crowd, sensing that the action was about to start, exploded into cheers.

For his opponent, of course.

"Yeah!"

"Go Guiche!"

"Show that commoner the power of a Noble!"

Naruto put up his fists. "Ready?"

The blond asshole just smiled. "Of course."

"Then here I come!"

Naruto leaped forward, fist cocked back. He's probably not that fast, so if I take him out before he can cast a spell...

Guiche flicked his rose wand lazily. Naruto's fist snapped forward...

...and slammed into the bronze golem that had suddenly sprung up between them.

"OWWWW! OW OW OW!" Naruto danced from foot to foot, clutching his hand. The Valkyrie before him stood stoically: seven feet tall, etched with stylized armor, and holding a long bronze lance. Behind it, Guiche smirked with triumph.

"We're magic users, so of course we fight with magic. What were you expecting?"

A little ripple of laughter ran through the crowd.

I knew that, damn it.

"Do you get it now? No matter how strong you are, you're still a commoner. No matter how fast you are, you're still far below me. Give up and apologize, and we can stop this now."

Naruto flexed his hand, wincing. "Like hell. Since this is another world I guess I can forgive you for not knowing, but I'm Uzumaki Naruto, and I don't go back on my word. That's my way of the ninja!" Naruto struck his favorite pose, one fist extended in a thumb's up.

Guiche wasn't impressed. "The powerless can say anything they like. It won't change a thing."

"Those're pretty big words from a guy who still plays with dolls."

Guiche frowned, and his giant bronze puppet rushed forward.

It was fast; Naruto could barely avoid its attacks. It was strong; each punch split the earth and threw up clouds of dust. Worst of all, Guiche clearly knew how to use it: Naruto couldn't seem to lure it far enough out to rush past it and finish Guiche directly. That was the standard way to beat a puppeteer or a summoner, and stupid and arrogant as that smirking jackass might be, he clearly knew it.

"Don't get me wrong," Naruto panted, between dodges, "it's a nice puppet. Back home we mostly make them out of wood, but metal's a good choice. I expected it to be really slow and clumsy, but the joints flow just like magic."

Behind him, he could hear Louise grumbling "Yeah, because it is magic, you idiot." At least she wasn't telling him to give up anymore.

Naruto ignored her, and rubbed his knuckles in memory. "It's pretty tough, too. But is this really all you can do?"

Guiche had recovered his composure, and was smirking again. "Do I need anything else? Jumping about like an acrobat, waving your fists around – that sort of thing might be impressive in the circus, but against a Noble, it's useless. My beloved Valkyrie is just too much for you." As if to emphasize his point, Guiche's Valkyrie charged.

"Nobles and commoners, nobles and commoners!" Naruto shook his head, and incidentally cartwheeled away from an earth-shaking kick. "That's all you guys ever talk about! I'll tell you what I told Louise..." he drove for an opening between the golem's legs, but it drove him away with its lance "...power isn't an excuse to act superior! You have to use your strength to protect people, or what's the point?"

Naruto nodded to himself – that had sounded pretty cool. Sure, maybe he'd stolen that last line from the pervy sage, but it wasn't like anyone would ever find out.

But however cool his speech had sounded, it hadn't worked; Guiche still stood unmoved. "That's easy to say when you're weak. I admire your determination, but without the strength to back up your words, it's meaningless. You'd do better to accept your station in life."

Even my most inspiring speech didn't do anything. It was a drag, but honestly, Naruto was used to that. Neji, Gaara, even Haku – none of them ever listened It was a rule of life, as far as Naruto was concerned: if you wanted to really get a fighter's attention, you had to kick his ass a little first.

The only trouble with that was, he couldn't figure out how. Guiche's puppet was strong, fast, and way too tough for him to beat down with just his fists, not feeling the way he did, anyway. With enough shadow clones he could probably get past it to its master, but then what else would Guiche pull out? No, he had to destroy the Valkyrie, and that meant...

He hadn't wanted to try it. His body was still too weak, and his chakra felt...off, somehow. Kinda fizzy, not that that made any sense. But he couldn't lose to a womanizing jerk, right? He nodded to himself decisively, leaped backward to the edge of the circle, and began.

"First, the setup. Shadow Clone!" Naruto put his hands together into his favorite cross seal, and a picture-perfect copy of himself sprang into existence to his left.

Guiche flinched, but his voice was still cool. "Even two circus clowns won't - " but Naruto wasn't finished. Naruto reached out to his clone, his clone reached back, and something started to glow between their two hands. At first it was just a point of light, but it grew quickly into a sphere of swirling energy the size of Naruto's fist.

Openly worried now, Guiche gestured with his wand. The Valkyrie rushed forward, but it was already too late. With a yell, both Narutos sprang forward and smashed the ball of power into the golem's chest.

The sound came first, a terrible screeching wail that seemed to bypass the ears and stab directly into the brain. Naruto ignored it, just like he ignored the wave of exhaustion, and held his position. The Valkyrie had stopped moving, and now it was shuddering in painful, irregular jerks.

Got it! But the way it's twitching, it looks like it's gonna – he jumped clear, just barely in time, as Guiche's golem exploded.

Naruto landed heavily, and almost fell, but by then no one was watching him. By the time the dust had settled he had his breath back, with a little time left over to take a cool, casual pose. Like Sasuke would have done. His clone wasn't bothering to keep up a front, and just knelt exhaustedly by his side.

Weird. It wore me out, but I'd swear that felt easier than usual. Trying not to look as though he was about to fall over, Naruto surveyed his handiwork.

The mighty Valkyrie had been reduced to wreckage, gleaming metal twisted into unnatural shapes and strewn haphazardly across the dueling circle. The head and legs were almost intact, but the torso was simply gone, torn into tortured chunks the size of Naruto's fist.

The crowd had gone utterly silent.

"It's called Rasengan. I mold my chakra into two opposing forces, and swirl them together in a counter-rotation. Anything it hits is torn apart from the inside."

Guiche's eyes were wide. "I – Impossible!"

Naruto let his clone disperse, gratefully accepting the rush of unexpended energy. "There are guys from my world who can take one of those and get right up. Hardly even slows them down. Power like you can't even imagine."

Naruto smiled, just a little. "And even those guys call me a monster. Want to see why?"

Naruto drew a calming breath. What he was about to try was dangerous, but he was tired of being pushed around. Ok, bastard fox, let's show off a little. He centered himself as Jiraiya had taught him, placed a hand on the seal and called to the center of his being, reaching for the incredible power of the nine-tailed demon fox.

There was a pause in the duelist's circle.

Finally, Guiche broke the silence. "Was something supposed to happen?"

Naruto sighed. Fine, be stubborn, whatever. I don't need your power anyway. "Forget it, it's not important. I broke your doll, so the match is over, right? Or do you want to try to fight hand to hand?"

Guiche relaxed. "You had me worried for a moment. I apologize for what I said before – you're clearly not just a commoner. But you're still taking Guiche the Bronze too lightly." He flicked his rose wand, and more rose petals glowed and floated off of it. Six more bronze golems sprang up from the ground.

Naruto facepalmed.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Osmond worked hard. He was in charge of a school-full of arrogant little lordlings, all of whom had the power to reduce one another to jam. Not even on purpose, necessarily, as Louise's colorful school career had showed. On top of that, the Academy was home to a host of powerful and curious magical artifacts, all of which had to be carefully secured. On top of that, his beautiful secretary would beat him brutally every time he tried to enjoy her abundant charms – even from a distance! All of that, Osmond felt, entitled him to a little petty revenge when one of his teachers burst in on one of his daydreams with a bunch of panicky demands. So when Jean Colbert had demanded – demanded! – that Osmond use the Bell of Sleep to stop Miss Vallière's new familiar from fighting, he'd said:

"Let them fight. What's the worst that could happen?"

His subordinate's scream of inarticulate horror made up for everything. You're never too old to believe in jinxes, right, Jean?

(He'd called for the Bell of Sleep anyway, he wasn't an idiot, but he didn't expect to need it. Naruto himself was perfectly harmless, and what was "evil power" anyway? Osmond hadn't felt anything.)

Now, what felt like the whole faculty was gathered around Osmond's scrying sensor, watching Louise's young familiar jump around the dueling ring. It hardly counted as a real duel, in Osmond's opinion, with neither side using any distance attacks. But it certainly looked impressive.

But what am I looking at, really? If only I had an expert to consult...

He chuckled evilly, breaking his faculty's fascinated silence. "Nothing too extraordinary so far, I don't think. No evil power, no wide-ranging destruction. But I'm no judge, not really. What you think, ah, Jean?"

The look he got back was complex: surprise, annoyance, and a little fear. Which was fair; to ask that question at all pressed the limits of their old agreement, never mind the crowd of witnesses. But young Jean was the one who'd turned this into a spectacle for the faculty, and anyway, Osmond really did need an expert opinion. So he waited, smiling, until Jean's will broke and he began.

"His use of the Uneven Distribution is insane, beyond anything I've ever heard of. Even Knight-Captain Wardes never fights with more than three duplicates at once." He flushed, and added, "Or so I've heard." He hurried to continue: "His wind reinforcement is good too; see how high he can jump? But it seems that's all he has."

Given tacit permission by their Headmaster, the faculty began to spectate:

"I see what you mean. One good Flowing Vortex, or even just a Wind Hammer, and that'd be it for Guiche."

"Can you imagine what it would be like if it were Kirche fighting him? Or Tabitha?"

"I wish she would. Put the little snot in his place for once. 'Strongest of the students', my left – "

That was too much, even if Osmond privately agreed. But before he could issue a reprimand, Jean refocused their attention:

"Everyone, look! The familiar's figured it out!"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

I hate puppeteers so much.

Naruto had never fought a puppeteer before, but he was starting to despise the whole discipline in a really deep, personal way. It wasn't that his opponent got to control a whole army by himself – Naruto did that too, it was the centerpiece of his fighting style. But Naruto was made of flesh and blood; punch him and he'd hurt, stab him and he'd die. His shadow clones were even weaker – they'd disperse the first time they took a solid hit. And since they were copies of Naruto, they were loud and boisterous and eager – just the way things should be, in a fight.

But these "Valkyries" were solid metal, stoic and impassive, with no emotion or character or anything at all! They didn't even care that they were fighting, they just did whatever they were told. And their stupid blond summoner just stood there in the center, completely safe, not even moving, just chilling out and letting his metal servants do all the work. He wasn't just a jackass, he was a lazy jackass.

Hate puppeteers. So much.

After Mr. Lazy Jackass had summoned up his six puppets, Naruto had answered back with a dozen shadow clones. It was twice what he'd managed for Louise the night before, but still way below his usual max. With his chakra being weird, and the fox quiet for once, it would have to be enough.

"That's a powerful spell," the not-a-ninja finally said, into the silence. "But copies are only as strong as their creator. Even working together, I don't think you can beat even one of my beautiful Valkyries."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

At the edge of the duelist's circle, Louise watched her familiar fight Guiche de Gramont.

She hadn't been best pleased with fate's choice for her familiar, and in many ways she still wasn't. He was loud, and rude, and annoying, and she was starting to suspect he was stupid, too. Nothing about him fit the cultured, refined world of Tristainian nobility.

This is where he fits. On a battlefield.

He loved to fight, and he was good at it; that much was clear. Even so, she permitted herself a bitter little smile of satisfaction. For all his bravado and all his obvious skill, she'd been right after all.

He couldn't win.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Their fight had settled into a predictable rhythm.

Even with six puppets, Guiche was content to commit just one of them at a time, leaving the other five clustered defensively around him. In principle, it was a dangerous strategy: it gave all the Narutos a chance to gang up on one Valkyrie and destroy it. The bastard clearly thought that Naruto – however many of him there were – couldn't do it.

The awful thing was, Guiche was right; without Rasengan, his dozen clones couldn't have destroyed even that one Valkyrie from before; now the Jackass's forces were six times stronger!

Although...actually, it was more like three times. The blond bastard's golems might be super-strong and made of metal, but they weren't independent the way Naruto's shadow clones were. Guiche had to direct them, at least somewhat, and six was clearly his limit. That was probably why he'd split them up the way he had – five defenders that didn't take much attention, and then one hunter puppet that he could control directly. And that meant...

"All right, guys!" Naruto called out to his other selves. "Plan four! I'll lead!"

"YEAH!"

And Naruto charged.

The Plan system was something Jiraiya'd come up with, looking for ways to use Naruto's amazing gift for the Shadow Clone as effectively as possible. Normally you didn't need to talk to a shadow clone – it was created knowing everything you knew, so it knew what it was supposed to be doing. But sometimes, Jiraiya had said, you'd think of an idea after you'd made your clones, and what then? Naruto hadn't liked it, but it was the only way to get any sparring practice out of the perverted old man, so he'd put up with it.

Plan four was simple: one group charges in from the front, the other sneak-attacks from behind. So while Naruto drew Guiche's attention with a loud, crazy jumping attack, the six clones in the circle behind Guiche burst into a silent run.

Guiche wasn't fooled. Maybe he saw that Naruto's jump wouldn't carry him over the heads of the defending Valkyries, or maybe he followed Naruto's gaze as he admired his duplicates' attack. In any case, he turned away from the original, gestured with his wand, and the three bronze puppets that lay between him and Naruto's strike force sprang into more-aggressive action. With a little concentration, he could easily use those three to destroy all six attacking clones, no matter what they tried; the Valkyries were simply too strong when they had Guiche's will behind them.

Which had been the whole point.

Naruto formed another clone in mid-air, forcing himself to whisper the name of the technique instead of shouting it out like he preferred to, and pushed off of it to gain just a little more momentum. Now he'd pass over the heads of those last two guardian puppets, now he'd be able to get in one good punch while his opponent was distracted, now he could finally finish this stupid –

One of the Valkyries facing him stepped back, sighted carefully, and threw its lance at him.

Naruto started forming the seals for the Replacement technique by pure reflex, but he knew he wasn't going to make it. It was five seals long and he'd never been that good at handseals anyway and the lance was piercing his chest and his whole body was bursting and the pain was

Nothing. No pain. He was lying on the ground, at the edge of the circle, entirely unharmed.

How? I know I didn't finish the Replacement – I barely got through the second seal.

It had been the clone he'd made in mid-air, he suddenly realized. The one he'd pushed off of and forgotten about. It had figured out what was going wrong before its creator had, and Replaced itself with him in time to save his life.

Shuddering with delayed reaction, Naruto climbed to his feet, just in time to watch that asshole Guiche finish taking apart the fake sneak attack. He turned back to the real Naruto, not even breathing hard.

If this becomes an endurance match...I'll lose.

So how can I take him down without breaking all his puppets first?

And just like that, the answer came to him.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Panting, Naruto let his remaining clones disperse. "Hah...hah...hah...I guess I really did take you too lightly before. Even though you look all weak and girly, and even though you wear perfume, " Guiche's eyes were narrowing "you're still a tough fighter, and I respect that. So I'm going to show you something special."

Despite herself, Louise was intrigued. He'd shown off so many strange abilities; if those were all ordinary, to him, what would a "special" one be like?

But Guiche wasn't impressed. "You've shown us a lot of tricks already. I'm sure they're great for the circus, but we've all seen that they can't beat my Valkyries."

Naruto stuck out his tongue. "I don't have to beat your Valkyries, I just have to beat you! And my technique was designed for guys like you."

Guiche smirked. "Show it to us, then."

"Right! Here I go!" Grinning widely, he brought his hands together. "Get ready to be amazed! Behold the technique that left the Toad Sage in awe, the vanquisher of the Sandaime Hokage, Uzumaki Naruto's number one original technique...NINJA CENTERFOLD!" And Uzumaki Naruto disappeared. In his place...

...in his place...

Riotous blond hair, barely constrained into a pair of pigtails.Crystal blue eyes, a rich pouting mouth. Perfect golden skin, soft as a fresh peach, stretched over an incredible figure. And totally naked, save only for a few concealing clouds of smoke.

And Guiche stood stunned – the whole crowd stood stunned – as the clouds slowly...

...drifted...

...away...

Guiche collapsed, blood streaming from his nose. His golems fell apart into nothingness, their magic undirected and harmless. The blond vision leaped into the air, pumping a victorious fist. "Sexy no jutsu! 100% effective on perverts, guaranteed!"

Naruto reappeared in another flash of smoke. He turned to Louise, grinning. "Hah! And you said I had no chance! It just goes to show that you should never underestimate the greatness of Uzumaaaaargh!"

Louise's kick had caught him right in the balls.

Literally snarling with rage, she dragged him away.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

In ones and twos, the students of Tristain Magical Academy wandered away from the dueling circle, until only a small crowd of boys remained.

"When she jumped in the air, I thought I was going to pass out like Guiche."

The other boys sighed agreement. A reflective silence fell. The brown-haired one spoke next:

"You know...he can turn into a beautiful girl...and make copies of himself."

That time the silence was longer.

"They go poof when they get hit too hard, though."

"So he has to be gentle. That's not so bad."

"Like you'd know anything about it, Malicorne."

"Aw, man. Why do you always say stuff like that?"

The brown-haired one broke up the impending argument. "Come on, you guys, we need to get Guiche back to his room."

The other four grumbled a little, for form's sake, but they agreed. Malicorne hoisted the unconscious boy into the air with a wave of his wand, and the others formed up behind him to go inside. They didn't speak again, but each of them was having the same thought.

That Uzumaki Naruto...is one lucky bastard.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Uzumaki Naruto would not have agreed.

"Idiot! Moron! Worthless familiar! Who gave you the right to win in such an unseemly fashion? Who told you you could use that perverted spell?"

Naruto was clinging to the ceiling, a little out of reach of Louise's riding crop. Why does she have one of those, anyway? Too dignified to go find a stool to stand on, she'd settled for jumping up and down and waving her whip menacingly in his general direction.

"But that's just it! It's a great technique for beating perverts, 'cause it turns their perversion against them!"

"So you've used it before, huh?"

"Yeah! Even the strongest ninja in my village, the Hokage, fell prey to it! I'm so amazing!"

A near-miss from the riding crop cut him off. "I don't care how effective it is! From now on, you may never use that spell again! That's a direct order from your master, so you'd better obey, you understand me?"

"But, but, what if I need it? Or if that Osmond guy tries to – "

"Headmaster Osmond is the head of this school, a Square-class mage and a famous researcher! He's far too mature to fall for perverted tricks like that!"

Naruto snickered. "Don't be so sure, Old Man Sarutobi was called the 'Ninja God', but when I – OW! What the hell?"

She'd jumped extra-high that time; that whip really stung. Naruto scuttled crabwise to a hard-to-reach spot over the bed. Louise followed, ranting.

"It's no more than you deserve! How do you think I felt, watching my familiar eat his breakfast like some kind of slavering beast! Or when you offered to fight on the dining table? Or when you used that awful spell? If you can't act like a human being, why should I treat you like one?"

Now that was just too much! No one could be patient in a situation like this! "Well I'm sorry I'm such a big disappointment, all right? This wasn't my idea! If I could undo the whole thing, I'd do it in a second!"

Then, suddenly, in a moment of perfect clarity, the answer came to him. That happened to him sometimes, in battle. Really, it was obvious; he should have thought of it right away.

Who better to sort out a summoning problem than a summoned creature?

Naruto relaxed his chakra, and fell from the ceiling to land in a crouch by the bed. "Screw this and screw you. This whole thing is a stupid mistake, and I don't have to wait around for your Headmaster Osmond to fix it. I told you before: I'm a summoner too, ninja style! Just watch!"

And then he got ready to dodge, because Louise seemed like she was more in the mood for whipping than watching. But no, she was watching him, eyes wide and uncomprehending.

So Naruto raised his thumb to his mouth and bit down, hard. Blood welled freely; he scattered the first few drops on the ground, then rubbed the rest on his index finger...

...because there always had to be a sacrifice, you can't do a technique like that without giving something up, something real and enduring...

Jiraiya described the Summoning technique as a sophisticated manipulation of space/time, but Naruto always thought of it like pushing down on a see-saw. If he pushed down with some chakra, a frog would pop up into the world. If he pushed down with a lot of chakra, a big frog would pop up. So Naruto called up all his frustration over this stupid situation, this stupid world, his stupid life, called on what remained of his stamina, swirled his chakra through his coils, slammed his bloodied hand down onto Louise's wooden floor, and pushed.

"SUMMONING!"

It was like pushing something down a hill, or off a cliff. The chakra he'd put into the technique was simply gone, drunk up so quickly that he'd hardly felt it go. He tried to cancel it, but he was suddenly on his knees, then lying down, trying to get his eyes to focus on a hazy pink sky. Far away, someone was screaming. He tried to comfort her, to tell Sakura-chan that it'd be ok that he'd be fine like always but he couldn't find the words and anyway the world was spinning far far far too fast. I should warn someone...