Only so much that my heart can take
It doesn't matter what you say

.

The morning after the night before had been like any other, both waking in each other's arms to the harsh beeping of the alarm and slowly shuffling out of bed, Olivia showering while Brian made breakfast.

Twenty minutes later she wandered tiredly into the kitchen in her long, beige coloured robe, her hair; still damp from her shower had began to settle into its natural waves as she stood silently on the opposite side of the breakfast bar from him, offering a small, weak smile and a quiet 'thank you' as he handed her a mug of coffee. She glanced out the window, the streetlights still burning bright in the early hours of the dark, winter morning.

Brian swallowed a large mouthful of his own coffee; he didn't even flinch as the black liquid burned its way down the inside of his throat. His heart moved with a dull thud as the pair stood in silence, neither of them knowing what to say about the night before.

They both knew their relationship was over, the had both unwillingly agreed on it, thinking it made sense for them to part rather than be stuck in this vicious circle of misery they seemed to be swirling in. Olivia took a sly look over at Brian, his body sagged against the counter as he stared holes into the floor, they were already miserable and they hadn't even been apart for a day. How the hell were they supposed to deal with this?

"I'm gonna go get ready for work…" She said quietly, breaking the uneasy silence that clouded the kitchen.

"Sure, I'll go shower after your done in the bathroom…" He replied, their conversation awkward, as if they had both just met each other for the first time and this was the morning after a drunken one-night stand.

But it wasn't.

This was the morning after a break up that neither of them were honestly sure they wanted but they knew was for the best. A break up that seemed right in the moment they both agreed but now that it was becoming reality, was harder than they ever imagined.

.

Brian walked out of the bedroom fully dressed as Olivia dropped her cellphone into her jacket pocket and grabbed her purse from the couch. They stood in silence, both offering each other a sad smile. Neither of them knew how the day was going to end, who would come home and who would not? How were they going to split things? Who kept the apartment? How were they going to live without each other?

"Do you know when you'll finish today?" Olivia asked. Her voice was small even though she tried to be her usual confident self it was almost impossible.

Brian cleared his throat "Eh no, I have no idea, I'll let you know though if you want…"

"Its okay, I was just wondering" She smiled as she headed for the door "See you" She looked back for a second before quickly pushing herself out the front door, unable to keep herself in check as the tears flooded her dark eyes.

She pulled the door shut behind her, not even waiting to see if he followed her out, she just needed out, she needed to leave. The air was stifling; she felt the tension grabbing at her lungs, the panic of the unknown filtering through her body at the speed of light. Her constant over the last two years, the most serious relationship she'd ever had was coming to a screaming halt and she couldn't figure out how to deal with it.

Brian stood in the middle of the living room, glancing around at the place they had called home for just over a year now. The morning sun was just peaking over the New York City skyline, the mugs from earlier now half empty sat by the sink, magazines tangled with case files and NYPD forms littered the coffee table, her leather jacket hung on the back of the chair by the window and his black converse shoes were kicked under the table.

It looked like home, he wandered around the apartment for a few minutes before pulling his phone from his pocket and dialing the number he had become all too familiar with.

"Tucker, it's Brian…yeah, I can't come in today"

.

At her desk, Olivia stared blankly at the computer screen. The current DD5 stared back at her untouched as her thoughts drowned in a sea of hurt and confusion. She knew that this was the right thing to do, they hadn't been the same for months now and they were just going round and round in circles, becoming comfortable in their routine.

Part of her hated herself for admitting her true feelings. Just because Brian had finally admitted that he loved her, she finally heard those three words from a man she had fallen so deeply for, didn't mean she had to reciprocate, not when she knew they were breaking up right as those words fell from their lips, but she did.

She said those three words right back at him, threw them right in his face as they stood on the sidewalk, bundled up in winter coats, sheltering themselves for the sharp chill.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the thud of a manila folder landing by her right hand. "Liv, where are you today?" Fin leaned in slightly, his face twisted in concern for his long-time friend.

"I…what?" Olivia scrunched in confusion

"I've been talking to you for the last five minutes…are you okay?" He placed a hand on her shoulder and quickly glanced around the squad room. Amanda was busy with her paperwork and Murphy was on the phone in the office.

"You wanna talk about it?" He offered

"I'm fine, Fin" She smiled and clapped her hand over his "Just too busy to focus on anything it seems…" She gave a small chuckle and picked up the file.

"Maybe you should go home, take a sick day for the rest of today and get some rest. You've been non-stop these last couple of months."

"Everyone has Fin, I'm not the only one who's been here too much" She replied. She braced herself, waiting for a comment about Lewis or the trial but it never came, Fin knew her better than to trudge up the past.

"Okay, suit yourself" He smiled "Just remember when you do need to leave early, I'm not covering for you" Fin smirked and walked back to his desk, chuckling as he went.

Olivia smiled and shook her head; she tried to concentrate on the file in front of her, something about a college student being attacked on her way back from the library just off campus, no witnesses…

She gave up and began staring into space yet again, her mind buzzing, wanting nothing more than to curl up on the couch and sleep for the rest of the week.

.

"What are you doing?"

Brian whipped round to see Olivia standing in the doorway, her eyes wide with shock as her purse hung from her hand, her eyes darted around the room taking in the sight of cardboard boxes and a few bags.

"I erm…I just thought I'd get this done before you came back" He looked around at his belongings all scattered into the boxes, mainly CD's, DVD's, a few books, photos etc. He had filled three bags with his clothes already, just pulling them out of the drawers and the closet, not even caring whether they got messed up or not.

"Why?" He tried to ignore the fact that he could hear her voice break; he could see the tears brimming in her eyes and her voice getting trapped in her throat.

"I'm gonna crash at my mom's for a bit, until I find another place"

Walking in the door Olivia had forgotten, just for a second that they had broken up, the reality set in as soon as she saw the cardboard boxes on the couch. "What about…" She didn't even know how to finish the sentence, what about the apartment? What about the stuff they had bought together? What about her?

"I just thought it would be easier to get it done now." He shrugged, "That way I can get out of your hair and we can start moving on…"

I don't want to move on she thought to herself as she nodded "Yeah, maybe it's for the best" She replied quietly and walked into the bedroom, dumping her purse on the floor by the bookshelf as she strolled past.

Brian stood in the middle of the living room, a couple of old DVDs in his hand that he promptly dumped into one of the boxes on the floor before following her into the bedroom. He came to a stand still at the door, his eyes never leaving her as she sat on the edge of the bed and sighed.

Olivia twisted her head a little; trying to work the kinks out of her neck "This is it" She smiled sadly, her body still enveloped in her long, black, winter coat.

"Yeah" He nodded, folding his arms over his chest. "I can call the realtor tomorrow, have my name taken off the lease and all of that stuff"

"Okay" She nodded, staring past him to the hallway that lead into the open plan living area. "Thanks"

"How was work?" Brian spoke up after a few moments of silence

"Fine, the usual really…" She replied, "Did you even go today?"

He shook his head with a smirk "Called Tucker and said I wouldn't be in" His expression changed "Thought I'd get a head start on packing up. I can load all of this into the car so there's no need for a van or anything, I've got mostly everything done, just a few bits and pieces left…"

"Stop talking, Bri" She muttered as she let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding and ran her hands threw her hair "Please, just stop talking"

"Sorry" He mumbled before pointing back towards the living room "I'll just…" He began to leave only to hear her quiet voice behind him.

"This is harder than I thought it was going to be"

.

"Just think, at least you don't have to deal with seeing this everyday" Brian tried to joke as he held up his cattle skull.

Olivia walked out of the bedroom almost an hour later dressed in a plain white t-shirt and black yoga pants. She tried to laugh, playing along with his if-we-joke-about-this-maybe-it'll-be-easier game but it wasn't working.

If it meant having you here, I'd wear it round my neck for the rest of my life She wanted to admit that to him, badly. She wanted to tell him this was a stupid idea, she wanted to beg him to stay and not to leave her but Olivia Benson didn't beg.

The one time she did it was at the hands of William Lewis and she was begging for her life. She knew that life would go on with or without Brian, she would carry on her regular day to day life, working too many hours at SVU, not taking enough time to make a life for herself. The mistakes she had made so far, now that Brian would no longer be in her life she knew she would carry on making them. The plans of having kids one day, having a family, to her they were reachable in her mind, she could daydream for months about how her life could be but in reality, deep down in her heart she knew that none of it would truly happen. Having Brian out of her life just meant she was back at square one. She had more time to mope around and work too many hours and run herself into the ground until she broke.

The idea of having a family was wonderful, but all she could do was hope. She wanted Brian but he didn't want a family, not that she knew of and he was too good a man to let her give up on that dream. Knowing she would be an amazing mother, there was no way he would let her give that up just for him.

"I'll take as much as I can with me tonight," He started "And I'll come and get the rest tomorrow, is that…if that's okay?" He asked hesitantly, watching as her eyes trained on the cattle skull.

Olivia nodded slowly and turned back into the kitchen, she filled the kettle and placed it on the hob, waiting for it to boil. "You want one?" She held up a mug and smiled.

"I…sure" He nodded "I'll start taking these out to the car" He muttered and lifted two boxes from the coffee table, manoeuvring his way out the front door to the elevator.

.

The next again day Brian came over, like he said he would to collect the rest of his stuff.

"It'll be weird sleeping here alone" She admitted as they were about to say their final goodbyes "I mean, I've done it before but you always came back…"

Brian felt his arms twitch at his sides; the need to grab her and hold her was almost unbearable. They had been through so much, his shooting, demotion, nightshifts, and finally his IAB stint, the Lewis ordeal, her promotion. "God, I'm gonna miss you" He chuckled sadly, shuffling his feet on the floor as he stood a few feet away from her.

Olivia sat perched on the arm of the couch as Brian stood with his gym bag in his hand. "I'm gonna miss you too" She replied honestly "I've never been a part of a break up that neither one wanted but knew we had to before"

"Yeah, me neither"

"I've also never had a guy take me to the Bahamas before" She chuckled, remembering back to the weeks after his shooting, his drugged up suggestion that they forget new york and sneak off at Christmas to somewhere with sunshine and where no one knew their names.

"Yeah, that was something else" He smirked as he thought back to their week away basking in the sunshine, being able to act like a normal couple for once.

"I don't know how to say goodbye to you" Olivia shrugged, her voice broken as she tried to fight back the tears; her fingers gripped the arm of the couch as she watched him drop the gym bag on the floor.

Then don't He wanted to say but he knew he couldn't. He knew that this break up, even if it didn't seem like it right now, was something she wanted, something she needed so she could figure herself out, to find out whom she was again after everything that had happened between them. She had said so herself that they were each other's rocks during the worst times in their lives and maybe that's all it was.

"Come here" He stepped forward and pulled her into his arms, with one arm around her waist and the other around her shoulder he held her close and kissed her forehead.

"You'll be fine" He smiled into her hair "And if you ever need anything you know where I am, just call me and I'll come running" He pulled back and gave her a sad smile "I promise"

"That's very romantic of you Brian Cassidy" She chuckled

"Don't tell anyone, I have a reputation," He whispered

"Be careful okay?" She pressed her palm against his chest, right where his bullet scars were "I don't want a phone call from Tucker saying you've been shot again"

"I'll be fine" He smiled and picked her hand from his chest and kissed her palm "And so will you" Brian winked and quickly kissed her forehead before walking to the front door.

"See you around, Liv"

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