Disclaimer: I don't own warriors. But I own the characters of Ashpaw and her meanie siblings as well as Brightkit. And I don't own the idea of Icekit but I do own the cat himself as characterized here. In addition to this I am also the author of four serious fanfiction series and one one-shot.

Explanation #2: Featherwhisker's Awesome Aging Potion!

"So if you mixed the right herbs together would you get a love-inducing concoction?" asked the newly named Spottedleaf.

Featherwhisker stopped mixing a poultice for aching joints that Windlflight had requested (for Poppydawn, not himself, so he said) and attended to this new more urgent problem.

"Spottedleaf, you're a medicine cat! The last thing you need is to go near a love-inducing concoction. Besides it's a waste of your time. You're supposed to be healing the Clan, not match-making!"

"I know that," Spottedleaf meowed quickly. "But Rosetail was just saying that there should be a love-inducing potion for brainless toms to eat so the she-cats that like them can get them. Now Frostfur and Brindleface are both pestering me to make one. I had to at least ask."

"That Rosetail!" sighed Featherwhisker. "She's always trouble. Now take this to Windflight and if you see Frostfur or Brindleface on the way, tell them that in order to make a love-inducing concoction, we need a rare herb from the Australian Outback. And since I don't know how to get to the Australian Outback I can't make the poultice."

"Yes, Featherwhisker," meowed Spottedleaf, who had no idea where or what the Australian Outback was but was relieved to get out the medicine den and away from Featherwhisker right now.

As soon as she was gone, Featherwhisker slipped into a cleft in the rocks of his den that only he knew about. He laughed what he fondly imagined was a maniacal laugh. (Actually it was a rather stupid and goofy laugh.) Featherwhisker had gotten rid of Spottedleaf deliberately. He did not want his apprentice to know what he was planning to do. He was doing it for her and he had a feeling she would blame herself for what was going to happen to him if she knew what he was up to. He had given her full name two sunrises ago. He just hoped that he was right and she was ready to take on the duties of the only medicine cat.

The potion was designed to save Spottedleaf from the fate that Featherwhisker had suffered when he had been the elderly Goosefeather's apprentice. Featherwhisker was afraid he would go senile too and make Spottedleaf's life a living Dark Forest when he refused to retire. So he had concocted the potion using the sap of an oak, the oldest one in the forest, and a few other choice ingredients. With the help of this potion he would age so quickly that there would be no choice but to retire. Don't ask me how this makes sense.

Featherwhisker pawed open the cap of the Twoleg bottle in which he was storing the potion. He slurped it down and belched. Not bad tasting. He wished he'd made more.

But when he prepared to walk out of the den, Ashpaw was there, blocking his way. Because she was sick of cleaning out the elder's den and being forced to eat their dirt by her cruel siblings Ashpaw had run away from WindClan and joined ThunderClan. Now she was Redtail's first apprentice. "Eat grass, Featherwhisker," she ordered. "Eat grass."

"You mean yarrow, don't you?" asked Featherwhisker.

"Oh yeah," said Ashpaw, who kept forgetting that the much more simple way to make cats vomit was pretty much unused in the warriors universe. "Listen Featherwhisker, you know that's a dumb thing to drink."

"Do you even know what that is?" growled Featherwhisker who didn't appreciate being ordered around by an apprentice, and a WindClan runaway, at that.

"Well the label that says Featherwhisker's Awesume Aging Potion is a clue. What are you aging yourself for anyway?"

Featherwhisker stormed past her and out of his den.

Around sunhigh, Featherwhisker was on patrol with Willowpelt, Brindleface, Runningwind and Thistleclaw. At least it would have been sunhigh if it hadn't been raining so hard the cats could barely see. Thistleclaw was desperately trying to organize the younger cats. "No, no, Brindleface, you can't go from that rock to that rock. You must check every bit of the border. Yes, stupid places with no prey too. Willowpelt, stop complaining. It was your decision to play hooky from Bluestar's special Chelford Park Awareness Course. You deserve to have to carry everyone else's prey rather than hunt. Runningwind, come back!" Thistleclaw took off across the RiverClan border. And hit Graypool! Graypool screamed, trembled with rage and hit Thistleclaw with a blow so hard, he fell off the rock he was sitting on and landed in the dirt.

Runningwind appeared out from behind a tree...on ThunderClan territory. He had raced across the border and doubled back right when Graypool showed up. He and Willowpelt and Brindleface all burst out laughing. They laughed so hard that Featherwhisker had to laugh too.

When he laughed, Featherwhisker felt a nasty lurch in his upper torso. He let out a scream identical to that of Graypool. What with the rain, the confusion and the blow to his head, Thistleclaw wasn't sure who was who. So he attacked Featherwhisker. But in his state he was incapable of properly attacking anyone. So he sort of tackled Featherwhisker. The force of the impact caused Featherwhisker to projectile vomit. Brindleface ran up a tree and cowered in its branches. "Hey, buddy," she said. "Watch the fur!"

Willowpelt, on the other hand, attempted to dig herself to safety. She tore up dirt with her hind paws, causing it to splash into Featherwhisker's face. This only made him vomit harder. Runningwind successfully dodged the spray. Thistleclaw was not so lucky. Featherwhisker's head turned and hit him full in the face.

"Okay," said Thistleclaw. "Now, I'm angry."

"You did what?" Bluestar was furious.

Brindleface and Willowpelt hung their heads. Only Runningwind looked unworried. "We're sorry, Bluestar," muttered the two she-cats. But Runningwind continued to look completely out of it.

Featherwhisker guessed he had better explain. "After Graypool bonked him on the head, Thistleclaw was so angry that he did the same to Runningwind. So now he can't tell what's going on."

"Take him to the medicine den, then," snapped Bluestar. "We can't have Thistleclaw doing that. I'm gonna put him on Elder Duty!"

Featherwhisker gasped. "Not Elder Duty! Surely it's these young cats that deserve Elder Duty!"

"No!" snapped Bluestar. "Thistleclaw is the one to blame because I HATE HIM and I SAID SO!"

"Hate to interrupt you in an out-of-character moment, Bluestar," said Adderfang, walking over to the group of cats but we have a slight situation in the elders den."

"A slight situation!" shouted Bluestar who was still in the out-of-character moment. "That must be Thistleclaw's fault too! Go GET him Featherwhisker!"

While Featherwhisker was deciding whether or not he should obey this ridiculous order, Mousefur and Redtail ambled out of the elders den supporting Windflight, who looked on his last legs. His fur had grayed, his skin was wrinkled and his teeth were falling out left and right.

(Darkkit ran over to grab as many teeth as he could to toss around with his brother and sister as practice for being a wannabe gloating mass-murderer later in life.)

Wow, thought Featherwhisker. No wonder he said it was Poppydawn who had aching joints. He has a lot of premature aging to be embarrassed about.

"He's the youngest elder," said Redtail. "This shouldn't be happening yet."

"Wazzat you said, sonny!" asked Windflight.

Brightkit, observing how much of a stereotypical oldie Windflight sounded like, wailed, "If I eat a glowing vole will I become a stereotype of a bratty little girl?"

"Glowing vole?" asked Brindleface.

"Like that one I had her take to the elders' den! She's such a little helpful one!" said Rosetail. Then she broke off when everyone stared at her. "What? Is there something bad about glowing prey?"

"Yes, you idiot!" screamed Adderfang. "It's called NUCLEAR RADIATION, you mousebrain!"

"I didn't know. It's not my fault," said Rosetail. Then she burst into tears and dashed out of the camp. Leopardfoot dashed after her and prepared to comfort her.

"Of course, it's your fault," said Ashpaw. "You're on the author's don't like list on her profile. It could just as easily have been Frostfur's fault."

"Spottedleaf is also on that list," pointed out Sparrowpelt. "But she's innocent of all wrongdoing in this chapter."

"Someone hasn't read the ending," sniggered Darkkit to Icekit. Because Icekit is deaf he just scratched his ear and looked bored.

Stormtail glared at his son. "You know spoilers are forbidden, Darkkit. Even if they aren't spoilers for the series and just spoilers for a crappy fanfic. And even if the author of that fanfic is just looking for excuses to break the Fourth Wall (A/N Foreshadowing Alert).

"Actually," Frostfur interjected. "I am quite intelligent and would never let a kit near a rodent with a potential nuclear contamination much less feed it to an elder."

Then-to move this stagnated plot along-Robinwing and Thrushpelt appeared at the tunnel entrance. "RiverClan warriors were demanding to speak to you, Bluestar," announced Robinwing.

Crookedstar stepped into the camp, followed by Ottersplash, Willowbreeze and a grumpy-looking Graypool. Oakheart brought up the rear.

"You were supposed to kill Timberfur for me!" shouted Oakheart. "I'm telling!"

After an Awkward Moment, Ashpaw finally spoke up. "That's in another reality, Oakheart. In this reality, Featherwhisker made aging potion and there's no need for Heatherstar to go all Old Testament on ThunderClan."

"Oh," said Oakheart and he slunk away, hoping that no one had absorbed the implications of what he had just said.

Crookedstar waved his tail for Graypool to speak. The gray she-cat rasped, "We have a problem to address."

"I am aware of that," said Bluestar sounding more like her old self again. "I am very sorry about Thistleclaw. He will be exiled."

Well maybe not like her old self.

"I know what you mean but that's not what I mean," answered Graypool. "You see, Bluestar, since one of your cats vomited near the river a couple of our kits have played in the water near the Sunningrocks. Suddenly they are no longer kits."

"Why?" asked Brindleface. "Is swimming like a bar mitzvah in RiverClan?

"It would make sense," remarked Mousefur. "Leafpaw tells Stoneteller that the Clans have very different customs but I'm yet to see much evidence of it. Even if I do know a cat who did run away from WindClan."

"Hey," snapped Stormtail. "What did I say about spoilers?"

"Everyone's already read Dawn," said Mousefur.

"Well, I haven't," answered Stormtail. "So next time think before you speak and don't assume anything is obvious or that we all have bookstores near us that supply our warriors books at whim."

"Stormtail, we're cats," his mate Dappletail rolled her eyes. "There are no bookstores we have access to...or is your character supposed to be a stand-in for some fan?"

"The kits in question grew physically into adults in one night," said Willowbreeze.

"It's the nuclear radiation!" screamed Runningwind. "Nuclear Radiation!"

"Nuclear radiation!" gasped Graypool, Crookedstar and Willowbreeze. But Ottersplash just looked confused. "New air raid what?"

"No more of this nonsense!" shouted Crookedstar. "Bluestar, whatever Twoleg thing has been put in the river, your cats know something about it, don't they?"

"Well, Runningwind hit his head," said Willlowpelt. "So he's not exactly a reliable source right now."

"But we found a glowing vole," shouted Frostfur. "And I brought it back from the glowing vomit on the shore of Sunningrocks."

The author felt the need to point out that this really obvious bit of hypocritical humour was intentional because she is insecure about her work.

Bluestar understandably groaned. "Why didn't you tell me this sooner?"

"Why that must be Featherwhisker's vomit pile," gasped Brindleface. "I knew there was a good reason I didn't want to get any on my fur...besides the obvious, I mean."

You knew about this?" Willowbreeze was angry now.

"We didn't know that my vomit attracted nuclear radiation," snapped Featherwhisker.

"Bluestar," said Crookedstar. "I suggest we each send a delegation to the Twoleg prime minister. That's like a Clan leader, only he needs to be chosen by the majority vote and he only is leader for four years before they replace him. I've heard tell he knows a thing or two about nuclear radiation."

"You're confusing him with conspiracy theories about the leader of American-Clan," said Bluestar. "These people have people. They're not gonna sort out the technicalities of scientific-nuclear-mumbo-jumbo themselves. And I'm not sure if it's four years in Englandclan where our qualified authors reside. Definitely CanadaClan where the crap fanfiction author resides but she's not one to do research beyond reading warriors books for her fanfiction..."

"Guys," interjected Lionheart. "You're missing the really scary part here. They kill their leader every four years?"

"No mousebrain," his sister, Goldenflower, kicked him. "Then no one would want to be leader. They just exile him. I think."

"No, no," Crookedstar was now wondering why he was asking this Clan for help. "They just let him stay in the Clan but he's no longer leader. Or he can be but the majority has to say that he's still a good leader."

"What do you mean, still?" Poppydawn scoffed. "WE cats know that leaders only get better with age."

"Like farts?" snickered Lionheart. Goldenflower rolled her eyes.

"Uh, if I could interrupt," Ashpaw finally spoke up. "We might not have to send a delegation if Featherwhisker just tells us about his..."

"Shut up, kid," said Running wind. "Adults are telling fart jokes."

"But this morning I saw Featherwhisker drink a"

"Tattletale," interrupted the medicine cat and he stuck his tongue out at Ashpaw.

Bluestar wasn't listening to this exchange. She was thinking about the ultimate way to punish Thistleclaw. She would send HIM on the journey to see the Twoleg prime minister. And she would send Runningwind, Brindleface and Willowpelt, the very cats who had made his day difficult, with him. Perhaps Spottedleaf should go too. ThunderClan was lucky to have two medicine cats.

"I will send Oakheart and three warriors, Mistyfoot, Stonefur and Spotpelt," Crookedstar said. "Oakheart turned down my offer to be deputy but I think he has proved himself worthy of this trip."

Bluestar would not be outdone. "My deputy, Robinwing, will go, along with Willowpelt, Runningwing, Brindleface, Thistleclaw and Spottedleaf to provide medicinal treatments."

"Bluestar," said Ashpaw. "Logically the problem is Featherwhisker's Awesome.."

"Yes, I know that Featherwhisker's awesome," Bluestar grumbled. "As the only apprentice, it is your job to tend to Windflight here, Ashpaw."

Windflight now had dandruff, a wrinkled face and clearly no ability to control his bowel movements judging by...well, you can guess what had happened.

"Oh great," muttered Ashpaw. "I left WindClan for this?"

The expedition to the Twoleg PM's office set off the following morning. The entirety of ThunderClan and RiverClan was up to see them off and they all cheered throatily. This was before long journeys made by Clan cats became commonplace, you see. It was still a big event back then.

No sooner had the cats trekked past Fourtrees than Dawncloud of ShadowClan leapt out of the bushes and onto the Great Rock to address the assembled Clans. "Cats of ThunderClan and RiverClan, a great horror is being wrought on us by Twolegs."

"We know," said Bluestar. "A delegation has been sent to the Twoleg prime minister to deal with the radioactive waste spill."

Dawncloud gasped. "What's radiowaste? I'm talking about the air raid. The elders have passed down horrific stories about the Twoleg War With the Twoleg Clan Across the Channel of Water and THERE'S GONNA BE ANOTHER ONE!"

Pandemonium ensued. Warriors, apprentices, elders and kits ran around and around the clearing shrieking. Only Ashpaw stayed where she was. "Wait a minute," she said to herself. "Didn't Ottersplash mishear nuclear radiation as 'new air raid'? Maybe she told other RiverClan cats and they told WindClan and they told ShadowClan and this is like a game of broken telephone."

Bluestar, as leader, had more pressing tasks than worrying about games of broken telephone. To be specific, she stood on Highrock and yowled. "Quiiiieeetttt!"

Everyone froze. Darkkit stopped in the middle of pushing Brightkit off a tree. Brightkit couldn't stop herself from falling and landed in the safety of her mother's jowls.

If you bother to ask anyone but yourself what two kits were doing in a tree when their mother was right there in a crappy fanfiction that no one is bothering to review than you deserve to have your brain confused.

Bluestar then organized all the Clans into tunnel digging droves. WindClan tunnellers were the work group leaders. The cats needed a sturdy bunker right under Fourtrees. They supported it by dragging wood beams from the Treecut place into position. Inter-Clan hunting expeditions piled prey in the bunker. Unfortunately, the worst of the aging potion had floated through an underground estuary to a pool under Fourtrees. Of course, the river was infected but that would wear off soon.

Fortunately, the aging potion only affected cats. If it had affected trees, bushes or prey than I'm not sure what the Clans would have done for food. They were already suffering from a cartoonish lack of common sense.

Because leaders die more easily than other cats in order that they may further the plot, Bluestar lost five lives in that stretch of time to illnesses that afflict aged cats. Timberfur, of course, only had one life to lose and Oakheart was happy when he got old and died.

In less than a moon, kits grew into warriors. Young warriors became senior warriors. Older warriors became elders. Stonepelt, Stormtail, Addderfang, Tawnyspots, Windflight, and Swiftbreeze died of old age. Sparrowpelt, Smallear, Thrushpelt, White-eye and Dappletail became elders. Patchpelt was well on his way, as was Leopardfoot. Rosetail moved to the elder's den too. Featherwhisker, who had ironically drank the potion seemed to have developed immunity to it.

"Hey!" snapped Featherwhisker. "That's not fair!"

The author shrugged. "You made a bad decision. You suffer the consequences."

"Of course," said Ashpaw. "It would make more sense for him to hate growing old. That would be a better lesson to teach. However, I like that everyone suffers for one cat's actions. It's just like real life that way."

And the prime ministerial delegation? They were briefed by his cat on the unlikelihood of a nuclear waste spill being in the river without more serious effects. They returned home to find much older Clans. Robinwing was disappointed that she had been replaced as deputy but pleased to be able to have kits with Fuzzypelt one last time.

Next: Bluestar's Family Planning Initiative! Then: Colonization of Chelford Park! Then: Rebuilding the Fourth Wall is so Boring that Time Stands Still!

Please review, that's all I ask.

P. S. Spottedleaf did manage to make a love-inducing concoction a half-year later. When she was finished, she hollowed out a mouse and filled it with the herbs. Foolishly she taste tested it herself. Then she carelessly left the mouse in front of her den where Dustpaw found it and dragged it to the elders den. Poor little Firepaw didn't know any better and gobbled up the remains of the mouse. Now these two are foolishly in love with each other to the end.