A/N: Hey guys, it's the long awaited first tale of a Cheshire Cat, it's not very long but I hope you enjoy it, thanks to everyone who has added the story ar reviewed it, I love you guys - I know it's enough to put anyone off right?
How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You, Cats Do NOT Like Boats.
" I was only a kitten at the time but even then I had my natural charm about me and I was most equipped at evaporating, as good as I am now. There is a river in Underland, just one but it is vast and wide and stretches throughout the whole of Underland. I had many little sisters and brothers, my mother and father were struggling to look after us all so I decided I would help them out by going away for a while on an adventure. You know me and my love for danger and sarcasm, I decided I was going to journey to this river and cross it. Only one man had ever managed to cross it and he had gone mad by the time he got to the other side, no one else had ever done it and no cats had even tried so I thought it would be quite a good idea to be the first cat to cross, in fact the first animal to cross the river of death-"
"Chess?"
"What Alice, I do not like being interrupted in my stories."
"I'm sorry Chess, but I was wondering, is it really called the river of death?"
"No Alice, it is not called the river of death, I just thought it would add a certain something to the tale."
"Oh"
"So, in fact the first animal to cross the river of death that isn't really called the river of death-"
"Chess?"
"WHAT ALICE?"
"What is the river really called?"
"It is called the river OK?"
"Yes Chess"
"So, in fact the first animal to cross the river – you see it doesn't have the same ring to it – it was going to be the finest thing in feline history and I was looking forwards to it. I battled for weeks in this very jungle, it stretches further than the river of death-"
"Chess?"
"Yes Alice?" I said through gritted teeth
"I thought we weren't calling it the river of death."
"Of course not Alice, can I carry on now?"
"Yes, sorry Chess."
"It stretches further than the river in every direction and is filled with mysterious creatures that are more delightful than you wildest dreams and more deadly than your worst nightmares. I was making my way through it with as much hast as humanly possible for a cat, evaporating from place to place and trying to find my way through the maze that was the jungle. It took me three days to get out of the jungle, with nothing to live on apart from plant goo and any running water I could find. I was the bravest of the brave and I was only setting out on my journey, I encountered many of the dangerous animals I mentioned earlier. I encountered and snozzlelemming, quite different from your ordinary suicidal lemming, the snozzlelemming sneezes deadly acid and doesn't go anywhere near cliffs. It is quite misleading as to why they are called lemmings at all. Anyway I was trapped one night in a tight circle of snozzlelemmings and they were scrunching up their noses, ready to sneeze. They were so tightly around me that I couldn't get out by breaking through them, so when they got close to sneezing I evaporated to the top of the tree and they all sneezed on each other and killed each other! I was very proud-"
"Chess, you were proud of killing a bunch of poor animals in a highly childish and cowardly manner?"
"YES ALICE. And it wasn't childish or cowardly, I didn't go on the adventure to be brave, I went on the adventure to prove to the cats of Underland that it is possible to cross the river of-" At a look from Alice I changed my mind, " to cross the river."
"Oh, OK then."
"I faced six groups of snozzlelemmings such as the ones from before and defeated them in exactly the same way. I also faced nine groups of guzzlecanters, a wild dog type of creature that has twelve rows of super-sharp teeth filled with poison, the tend to drool on you to kill you slowly and they hunt in packs of between five and ten. The circle until they get bored then one by one drool on you before tearing you limb from limb. And four separate rhinogerlans which are a completely harmless breed of dimwitted herbivores. Then I finally broke out of the dense undergrowth, well I say broke out but I just evaporated out, turns out that all I had to do was think about the edge of the jungle, then I had to cross the desert land and stick to the outside of the plains for fear of running into the outcasts of Underworld, all those that have been sentenced to an existence of loneliness and madness. I didn't really want to cross the desert because well it was going to be really hard and not very adventurous or fun so I used my new found skill and evaporated straight to the edge of the desert. Then I could see the river, it was straight in front of me. I just needed to find a crossing point, I was going to evaporate straight over but then I though that was going to be cheating and way to easy, I wanted a challenge, a bit of danger."
"But Chess, you evaporated away from danger."
"Well, I didn't want to have near death experience danger, I just wanted to feel a little unsettled and then carry on."
"If you say so."
"I found my crossing place about five minutes down the river and waited for a boat, it took ages to come, I was waiting for over three hours and then when it got there, the captain put up a sign that said no cats allowed. I mean how disgraceful I that? So I waited, very sneakily and when they were five minutes out I evaporated onto it. It was only a farting little thing as well. I was very disappointed. SO for three days I stayed on that boat swaying from side to side, getting sea-sick and being harassed by an angry captain because I snook on." I concluded, finally happy with my story. Alice just looked at me. "Well, don't I get a round of applause or at least a couple of your dreaded questions?"
"That's it?"
"What do you mean that's it? That was one of the best adventures of my life and I fought danger and I put up with the captain. How many times did I have to tell him that cats don't like boats?"
"But Chess, you didn't ever tell anyone that you didn't like boats. You just put up with it."
"Shut up Alice"
"And you could have just evaporated to the other side when you missed the boat."
"THANK YOU ALICE!"
A/N: So did you like it? Well, review if you did silly, I know you can hear me but I can't hear you unless you review. You want me to hear you now don't you?