Absolute silence prevailed over the short trip back to their camp. Not a single word escaped Kakashi's lips, forcing an uneasy atmosphere on the group of three, which neither the small dog nor the trained and mostly skilled medic ninja dared to disrupt, fearing the unimaginable consequences.
It wasn't any different when they have finally arrived at the base. Wordlessly, the silverhaired lent against the tent, which was used as a sickbay.
With his arms crossed, the head resting on one side and his eyes staring into the distance, he was waiting for the return of the the eagerly expected team number two.
"It's him," he whispered repeatedly, "It must be him."
He was never farther away from understanding the meaning behind the saying "Ignorance is bliss" than he was in this precise moment. He would do anything in his might to lighten the darkness he had been covered in for weeks. To get a glimpse of the knowledge he was lacking. Ignorance was rather killing him.
The small ball of fur, circling beneath his feet didn't help much to put his mind at peace, in fact the continuous touch of Pakkun's tail, slightly brushing his legs only made him more anxious.
"No one else should be located at their headquarters," he strengthened his reasoning with his logical thoughts, just like he used to do. He didn't know of any other way to believe in things, not if there was no rational conviction behind it to support these hopes.
Suddenly Pakkun's nose twitched and he immediacy raised his head.
"They're here," he shouted out louder than necessary and tried to let his nose scent the different, newly incoming smells.
The dog could always rely on his nose's ability to sort the various odours and thereby identify the people, but somehow it didn't work out this time.
He was distracted by another, awfully distasteful smell, which made him shrink back and if he would have been able to do so, he would have covered his poor sniffer.
It irritated him so much that he completely forgot about his friend, who was growing more impatient than he had ever seen him before.
"Is it...?", he blurted out, not knowing about the condition the dog was in.
"I'm sorry. I can't tell. The poison makes it impossible to sniff anything," Pakkun answered meekly, the itching grew worse with every step they came closer to them. An itching he couldn't reach and scratch by himself.
"Never mind," Kakashi responded quickly, but rather in need of persuading himself than to comfort his furry partner. Only a few more seconds and he would be able to see it with his very own eyes. Of course these moments did pass, after what seemed like an unbearable eternity to the restless captain.
A team of two white-clothed Iryōnin, supported by two Jonins of the intelligence division, one obviously a member of the Inuzuka clan, since he was accompanied by a middle-long, dark black dog and a former anbu, which Kakashi knew in person, were heading straight to their direction. A stretcher in their midst, carrying the "subject".
Neither Pakkun, nor Kakashi could spot who the person was, for he was covered in a white blanket.
"Probably to keep him warm," Pakkun mumbled, worrying about his silverhaired friend, who was on the verge of rage or despair. Probably both, if he would have to stay in the dark any longer.
But fate was cruel and forced him to hold on a little more, since the overextended Jounins didn't even take the time to look him in the eye, as they hurried into the tent.
Without asking the question which was stuck on his tongue like a bitter pill, he saw the team disappear right in front of him, the desired answer flew away and hid behind the piece of black cloth covering the entrance door.
The pug was scared, not only because he longed for the answer himself, but because he was afraid that it wouldn't take a lot more for Kakashi to actually lose his temper.
Even though they took their time, about half an hour, Kakashi managed to stay calm, by stepping from feet to feet, but not once leaving the place, too worried he could miss the moment when they would finally step out and tell him the burning hot piece of information that he was yearning for.
Explaining to him that the man was indeed lying there. Maybe even allowing him to visit him right away. Seeing him waking up and smile like he always did when they have met. And then he would tell him that he was fine and that his Senpai was an idiot for worrying about him in the first place.
His thoughts were shattered and he focused to stay concentrated on the here and now. Luckily, before his mind could travel any further, the dark curtain was lifted and the Inuzuka, the paint on his face now clearly visible, left the tent.
His face didn't reveal what he was about to report, if there was any emotion stuck on it, Kakashi would have probably guessed it was the pure annoyance for being the messenger to begin with.
"Kakashi-san, I have a message from Shizune-sama," his voice was calm and he got straight to the matter at hand.
"She said she is sorry but the survivor isn't Yamato," face still free from any petty sign of sentiment.
War hero or not, this was devastating. Kakashi had to use up all of the remaining strength resting in him to stay on his feet, to push away the tears which he had been holding up for so long already.
And moreover, he could explode in anger.
"Why is his damn face not wavering at all?", he cursed the man in front of him.
"Why isn't his voice faltering?", he wasn't sure what got him that worked up, but if it wasn't for the last bit of self control being needed to keep his feet on the ground, he would have buried his fist into this clinical face of his. Hitting him in order to push the words of sorry out of his awfully dry mouth.
But his body didn't move one bit, his hand wasn't strong enough to maintain a fist and while he was trying the best to hide his trembling he simply nodded quickly, not able to put his thoughts into the right words.
"Was there even something like that – the right words? What could you say at a time like this? "
Deep inside Kakashi knew that he wasn't mad at the Jonin, if their roles were different he would have done the exact same thing. His face would have been even straighter than his. His voice even rougher.
It was war after all. Who knows how many loved ones the Inzuka had lost? How can he care about someone he didn't know, if all the grief was needed for the people dear to him.
On the other hand, maybe it was better this way, perhaps the anger could drive away the pain, which was rapidly rising in his chest.
And why did he have to be the only one who wasn't allowed to lose it? There was no need anymore to remain one's composure. Now was the time to suffer, to mourn about what was lost and could never be returned.
While Kakashi stared blankly into the face, which he was still not completely reluctant to punch, Pakkun found a way to continue or rather end their conversation.
"Do you know who you've brought back?", he asked and the man, who was now slightly relieved and thereby answered shortly, "Anko-sama." - "Soka. That's where she has been all the time," Pakkun mumbled.
Hoping he could finally get back into the safety of the tent, the Inuzuka intensely watched the dog instead of Kakashi. "Is there something else?"
But before Pakkun could react, it was Kakashi who eventually got a hold of himself again, asking a question which was harder for him then he would have thought it could be.
"Will she be alright?" It was shaming to admit, but he didn't sincerely care much. Of course he honestly wanted her to survive, but if he were to chose then he would have wanted someone else recovering in this very bed.
"She'll make it. Shizune-sama injected her an antidote to get rid of the remnant poison," he stated, just as cold as seconds ago.
"Good," Kakashi whispered, before he disappeared soundly, leaving a gray puff of smoke behind.
He used the shinobi's unique form of transportation to head towards his resting place. His own tent was located further away from the rest of the regular unit's camp. The silverhaired needed some space for himself, a freedom, which couldn't be taken away from him, captain or not.
Furthermore he required a place, where he was free from the curious looks, the people surrounding him, the ones who wouldn't let his mind come to rest and think about what actually happened. How he actually felt.
Especially now, when it grew harder to hold up the masquerade he was trying to sustain all this time.
He wasn't the insightful, unworried, tough Copy Ninja the war forced him to be. For the sake of the people he had led, he had swallowed everything and hid it so deep inside himself that it wasn't far from eating him up alive. It didn't, till now.
Completely blaming the others, though, wasn't correct. He protected his own life by pushing everything aside. All these feelings which were stealing his will to fight, his will to survive.
Kakashi dealt with the same issue long time ago. A time where he was the last one to continue living on in this world, too. If he wasn't able to suppress those feelings, he would have died on the battlefield and with him probably some of his comrades, which he swore to protect.
Even though these lingering feelings clinging to death itself existed during the whole battle, he would have never forgiven himself for just given up on the others. Sacrificing someone for your own sake was something he would never allow to happen again, not if he was able to prevent it.
The problem was that he knew this method was useless. It still hurt no matter how hard you try to shield your heart from it.
The silverhaired didn't go straight into his tent, nor did he rest at the warm fireplace to heat himself up from the long and eventful day. He just stood there for a while. His head facing the clouds.
Pakkun suspected where his friend went and followed him silently. The little dog knew that there wasn't much sense in talking to him now, so he decided to lay down next to the ignited flames and keenly watched the different shades of red and yellow dance with each other in their dangerous and likewise magnificent play.
Jiraiya, Asuma, Sandaime, Sensei, Rin, Obito...the list wasn't even complete and yet it was enough to freeze Kakashi in his motion. No muscle twitched, his head rested leaning into the inevitably darker getting sky.
Soon the stars would illuminated the heaven, a view he had experienced so often when he was serving as an anbu.
As soon as the summer was hot enough to sleep under the bare sky, they would always chose to stay away from the hotels on their missions and while leaning back to back under the stars, they would protect each other from a chilly breeze, or an sudden enemy attack.
If it started to rain, Tenzou tended to use his unique ability to create shelter for the two of them. Even though he strained his body each and every single time using the Mokuton, which was consuming far more chakra then any different skill, he never complained.
And Kakashi knew exactly how exhausting it was for him, after all he shared a similar two-sided blade. His left eye.
Any unnatural ability, no matter how oneself managed to get it, is using up an immense amount of one's energy, only because the body wasn't used to it, since it wasn't born with it.
However, as long as Tenzou was with him he had never stood and froze in the rain.
And if the brownhaired could barely sleep, mostly haunted by nightmares, it was Kakashi who would share his blanket with him.
At first the captain was certain, that he had only taken care of him for the sake of the mission.
But soon he noticed that there was more to it. That this Kohai meant so much more to him.
It was a a feeling Kakashi thought was best to hide, he buried it somewhere deep inside is mind like he did all these year before, thinking it was his only possibility.
He wasn't completely sure, if he was just ashamed of Tenzou realizing his affection for him or if he was only afraid that it would influence his work and as a result put both of them into danger.
Kakashi wouldn't be able to handle another death of a person too close to him.
Suddenly the message sunk in, deep into every inch of his body, conquered his numb bones. It felt like the last gleam of hope was ripped out of his soul. As of now there was neither hope nor tomorrow.
His frozen body now moved on its own, his fist struck into the nearest tree. Damn and how he moved. Blood-drops flowed from the back of his hand, just like the tears from his left, his own eye.
In silence he stood there and cried out all of his fading hope. His left arm tightly gripped the tree's trunk in a desperate try to keep him upright. Useless. Kakashi's legs gave in causing him to sink down on his knees, face drawn to the ground the tears continued falling down.
Thus he wasn't aware of Pakkun's presence, who was carefully stepping forward, afraid a too sudden move could hurt his precious friend, or that the slightest touch could break him like fragile glass, he spoke calmly, yet harsh enough too make it sound convincing, "Hurting yourself won't solve anything. Yamato wouldn't what that either."
Kakashi shrink at the sound of his name. A sharp ache overcame him when he reflexively bit into his lips. His voice trembled because of all the dammed up emotions. The released pain was unbearable, purely overwhelmed by the sorrow, his ability to fully understand the situation was clouded.
"Why? Just why does it have to be him? It's not fair, " the more words he was able to form under the pressure of his aching throat, the more they became faint. He was only slowly calming down, the tears stopped, leaving an reminiscent heat behind on his cheeks. His voice was low and softer than before, but the pain was still present, "I'm done."
Slowly Kakashi's head leant forward, till he felt his forehead hitting the bark, his silver hair brushed against the familiar wood, a feeling which only worsened his grief.
"Have I been brought back from the dead only to watch more people die before me?", a bitter laugh escaped his lips and he forced his eyes shut, scared he would start to cry all over again if he would have to face reality.
He had tried frantically to give a meaning to these words his father left behind the day he obviously wasn't supposed to die. Searched for this "personal reason" he had to live on for. An answer was no where to be found, especially not any more.
Pakkun wasn't used to this kind of situation and he didn't know how to handle it at all. Never has he seen Kakashi being this devastated before. The small pug got anxious and was almost screaming at the silverhaired,
"Get a hold of yourself, Hatake Kakashi!"
It was no use. The ex-anbu captain didn't move a single inch, which only made Pakkun angrier.
"You're giving up? Just like that? The great Sharingan no Kakashi, a legend in the world of shinobi, feared by his enemies, celebrated by his allies, who has even outreached his famous father throws his live away?" - "I don't care, Pakkun," the silverhaired man's head finally spun around as he screamed at the desperate dog, knowing that it was the wrong thing to do, knowing he would only hurt the friend, who was only figuring out a way to help him, even though he must be grieving as much as he did. He just didn't, couldn't give a damn any longer.
"It doesn't matter how many lives I've saved or rather how many enemies I've killed. Even that I helped to stop this war isn't worth it, if he had to pay the price with his life!"
A part inside of him hated the words leaving his mouth, didn't want to treat his longtime friend so badly, but this part was too small, not strong enough to suppress the truth which was roaring within him, wanting to get out.
He closed his eyes and stood up from the uncomfortable position on his knees, but only to sit down on the cold earth and lean his back against the stable tree. One hand picked up some of the soil and he silently watched it slipping through his fingers, before his attention returned to his dog.
"Am I that wrong for wishing for him to be alive?", Kakashi's voice had softened and Pakkun's did so aswell, "Kakashi, You do remember his promise, don't you? Peoples life don't end when they die, it's when you lose the faith in them."
Ohayou,
Sorry for the late update ! I'm working on a new part-time job and I'm terribly busy with study and everything *sigh* I'll read through this chap once more and maybe correct some things so I'm sorry if it looks rushed to you :( but I rly wanted to finish since you've been waiting for so long already. Yeah tell me what you think and if you see any mistakes *cough* just tell me :P
See ya ~ xJKxD