- Chapter 2: Affection
When I got home later that day, I realized a lot of what Haruhi was really saying and became suddenly depressed, myself. She was so upset because I wasn't the kind of person that she was hoping I would be, and she was hoping so much because of how she felt about me. There really wasn't any question what that meant. In a timid (or carelessly ignorant) way, she was confessing that she was in love with me, though she agonized that I wasn't quite the man she wanted me to be. Something seemed oddly amiss with this conclusion, but it struck me as the most likely one at the time.
I really did have a lot of homework to do, and my mother had a few words to say to me, so you can understand if I wasn't fully processing all this information right away. It takes a lot less time to briefly describe the highlights of a day than to go back and think about everything that had happened and might have happened.
The next day, when I seriously thought about what might have happened, it put me into a fresh state of depression again. I finally realized that I was jealous over Haruhi when she had been talking to my father. It was only natural. I hated the thought that this really cute girl who I could get along with so comfortably could actually leave me for someone else. I also hated the fact that I was jealous, not because it seemed like an indulgence in the "brigands of the five senses" as much as it seemed like a surrender of the little dignity I had left (to the one person who had proven the most apt at robbing me of dignity).
In class that day, Haruhi confessed that she didn't want to deal with the SOS Brigade, and I proposed that we go to a coffee shop to have a nice little chat. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to resolve matters, and to maybe even turn that into a first date.
"This is some crazy weather, lately," I said.
"Looks like it's about to rain," she added.
"Yeah," I agreed.
Any time there's something important to discuss, it seems like nature has to interfere.
"All right," she started. "What's up? You're still thinking about yesterday?"
"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked.
"I'm fine," she answered, scowling. "Damn, stop asking."
"I'm just making sure," I explained. "Because you seemed really upset, yesterday."
"It's no big deal," she stated, folding her arms in irritation.
"Okay," I said, letting that go.
I must admit, I am a coward when it comes to things like this, especially when I notice Haruhi looking at me the way she does. There's always that hint of fearlessness in her eyes that reminds me of where she thinks of herself in relation to me. I kind of get the impression that she has me flat on my back with one foot on my face. I can't even think about love when I get that impression.
"I just wasn't ready to get hit by it all at once, like that," she explained. "It was confusing and frustrating."
"Really?" I asked. Is agonizing over the fact that I'm normal really all that confusing? And what the heck was frustrating?
"And to top it off," Haruhi added, "Koizumi gave me the third degree today."
"He was upset?"
"He was trying to hide it, but he looked like he was about to blow."
"That's kind of weird."
A simple prank wouldn't cause Koizumi so much distress, so it was truly odd that he was treating her like that. Of course, this is Koizumi I'm talking about, so I really couldn't care less.
"Did you get in any trouble?" she asked.
"No problems," I replied.
"I just expected something," she explained.
"I had called before we got on the train," I told her. "It's pretty much understood that if I'm going somewhere, I'm going to call first. I have a very understanding family."
"Must be nice," she muttered.
"Did you have any problems?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "As long as I don't get in trouble, my parents don't care where I go. The truth is, they're usually not around."
"Must be lonely," I commented.
Parental abandonment was not a subject I was at all comfortable with, though it did remind me of how I had suddenly felt about her, yesterday. I think I was at once struck by a combination of pity and admiration. It had the odd effect of making me want to shake her and hug her at the same time.
"It's really no big deal," she said, casually dismissing.
"Let me ask you something," I said. "Is it really such a bad thing that I'm not an alien or a telekinetic or something?"
"Sure it is," she answered.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because life would be more interesting that way," she said, giving me her usual response.
"Right," I said, a little annoyed that she would answer me that way. "And you really thought I was hiding something?"
"Not really," she answered. "More like I was hoping you were and getting a little desperate. I somehow convinced myself it was true..."
Haruhi had somehow convinced herself of a lot of things. When she'd had that "nightmare," she convinced herself that it was a nightmare, rather than a cry for help. When we played that baseball game, she convinced herself that we were suddenly really lucky and not using a magical bat. When I told her about the others, she convinced herself that I was just being stupid. Hearing her admit to being a little delusional made me wonder whether she was hiding something.
"Okay," I said, clearing my head of this pointless thinking. "But it never occurred to you to just ask?"
I thought I made a really good point, but she replied with, "Why are we going over this again?"
"I just want to be sure what the deal is," I explained. "If I was hiding that big a secret from you, why would you ever trust me afterward?"
"I don't know," she stiffly admitted.
"Wouldn't it just make everything go crazy to find out that someone is an alien?"
"I guess I hadn't thought about it."
"If I explained to you that I was an alien and then went into detail about who I was and what my mission was, you'd just be disgusted. You'd think I was some kind of lunatic."
"Are you an alien?"
For some strange reason, I summoned Mikuru's face to my mind and quietly begged her for guidance.
"I'm not saying I am," I answered Haruhi. "I'm just saying that if I were, telling you about it would just make you pity me. What's the point in doing that? It makes no sense."
"Sorry for not making any sense," she said.
I think at this point I could have again brought this story to a swift conclusion, but then I realized that I had the upper hand on her. It isn't that often that you can pin her down with her own words, forcing her to admit that she's wrong. Between a risky confession and a certain verbal victory, it's not hard for me to choose.
"I mean," I continued, "sure it would change your life in some weird way that you'd love, but it would also make it really hard. Have you thought about what life must be like on some other planet?"
I now understood why Koizumi always seems so irritated. Getting the upper hand on Haruhi is simply not permitted for him, but the thought of achieving it would be very gratifying, no doubt.
"Adapting to this planet would take some work," I added. "Then there's the whole concept of life and language. Culture, arts, history, religion..."
"Wouldn't an alien be agnostic?" she wondered.
Haruhi was desperately scattering the topic, now. There was definitely something different going on here than what I had thought, but it was only starting to dawn on me that it might have involved feelings or affection.
"How the heck should I know?" I asked. "Anyway, life would be more interesting that way but it would also be a huge hassle."
"But why not?" she complained in her usual way again. "Why can't I have an interesting experience? I don't care if it comes with a lot of problems. I like solving problems. I'm a problem solving maniac. Maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm a super sleuth."
"Who's to say you aren't already?" I asked. "Are you sure you aren't already wrapped up in something strange?"
"Okay," she stated, "this is exactly why I thought you were an alien. Every now and then, you get it in your head to talk like this."
"You thought I was an alien because I told you that Nagato was an alien?"
"It was so obvious you were lying that I just had to believe you were covering something up."
"Are you sure I was lying?"
"What? Are you going to insist that Yuki is an alien? Because she acts weird and never really talks to anybody?"
"She talks to me plenty."
"So, did she tell you she's an alien?"
"Yeah."
"All right. Fine. I believe that you believe she's an alien. That just makes me pity you. You must be delusional."
"Because no way aliens can exist?"
"Because there is no way an actual alien would tell you they're an alien. I refuse to believe that."
"Nagato tells me she's an alien, and your reaction is to call me delusional?"
I felt like a father catching his daughter in a lie, and gradually realizing that she's never going to admit that she lied. I knew I had the upper hand, but this whole conversation had gone downhill in a hurry. There was no chance that this would turn out to be a date, now.
"Yeah..." she admitted. "I see your point. That Yuki is a weird one."
"And Miss Asahina," I added.
"The time traveler?" she said. "Give me a break."
"Don't tell me she's delusional, too," I said.
Haruhi sighed and said, "Was this your idea? Did you convince them to come up with these stories? Cause it ain't funny."
"It wasn't my idea," I answered. "Trust me. And Miss Asahina really doesn't want me telling you anything. Think about it. She's from the future. You think she really wants to create some weird paradox and find out that her parents don't exist anymore?"
"Oh, I see," she said. "This is all just straight out of your imagination."
"What?"
"It's those damn comics. They gave you all these weird notions, and now you just have to make them true. I knew there was something fishy going on."
"Comic books? Seriously?"
"Sure. It's the only rational explanation."
It then seemed clear to me that this was more than just Haruhi trying to hide something. Whatever was holding her back was something she was hiding from herself.
"What?" she asked. "Did I just burst your fantasy bubble?"
"I don't know why I bother," I muttered. "They're never going to admit it to you."
"Why is that?" she asked.
"Isn't it obvious?" I answered. "Because they don't trust you."
"Really?"
"Just ask yourself. Don't take my word for it."
"I don't understand. Are you saying none of you trust me?"
"I trust you, I guess."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence."
"Think about it, though," I explained. "Nagato was already in the room. She never actually joined the club. You forced Asahina into joining, and as for Koizumi..."
"Yeah, that Koizumi is a slimy one," she added.
I was about to say that Koizumi would love to prove that he trusted her, but she didn't need to know that.
"You get what I'm saying?" I asked.
"So," she summed up, "you believe that I have some mysterious power that makes the others afraid of me. They're an alien, a time traveler, and an esper. So, what does that make you?"
"I'm a nobody, of course."
"A nobody who just happens to have all this information?"
"It sounds crazy, yes. But don't you think that's exactly how it would really happen?"
"I must be crazy to think I could expect you to be someone that special."
I would have to be crazy to not believe what I had told her, especially after all the things I had seen from Yuki.
"Okay, that's fine," I said. "Don't believe it. But just imagine if it were true..."
"All right. Let me think..." she said, pondering on this problem. "I guess I would have Mikuru send me to the future to see what that's like. Then I'd arrange for some kind of romance for Koizumi."
"Romance?" I said, thinking that was horribly out-of-character for him.
"Shut up. It's my fantasy. Then..." she continued. "Well, I'm not sure what to do about Yuki, but we would definitely have to have a long talk about things. I can't just let aliens do their thing right under my nose and not know what's what. It would be kind of cool to know if aliens have emotions and stuff. It might have to get a little personal."
"Nothing for me?"
"Well... I guess I'd still need someone to carry all my stuff. I'd be collecting stuff like crazy from the future and from alien civilizations."
"I think I'm starting to understand."
"What?"
"Why they don't exactly trust you."
"Jeez..."
- x -
As we stepped outside the coffee shop a little later, I took out my umbrella and opened it.
"Raining again," I informed Haruhi.
"Again?" she said.
Looking at her like this, I felt a sudden urge to kiss her, but that just seemed crazy. I often wonder what would have happened if I had done that. Probably something really bad.
"I should go home," I said. "My mother is going to expect me, soon."
"Is she upset about yesterday?" Haruhi asked.
"No," I replied. "But she did give me the long version of the 'things that can go wrong' speech last night."
"Sounds like a worry wart," Haruhi commented.
"Not really," I told her. "She's pretty easy-going, but she is my mother. I think it would be weird if she didn't lecture me."
"I could write a book on just how weirdly normal you are."
"That again?"
"Yeah, sorry. I'm still pretty depressed about it, too."
"If it makes you feel any better, I did get my homework done."
"You hadn't finished your homework?"
"Yeah. I told you about that on the train."
"Oh, right."
"I felt so bad after being lectured that I felt obligated to finish."
"That's good."
Speaking of obligations, I then remembered about the train fare and all the fun I had had on my trip to my old hometown. It was a valuable experience, so I did owe her. Thankfully, Mom had agreed with me and had supplied me with an advance on my allowance.
"I have the money," I told Haruhi.
"The what?" she asked.
"It's my share for the train tickets and the bus," I added.
"That's okay," she told me. "Just forget about it."
"But I want to pay you back," I said.
"No, really," she insisted. "You were right. It was my idea in the first place. You don't owe me anything."
"Really?" I asked.
"Yeah," she answered. "I'll see you later."
"Bye," I said.
Haruhi seemed a little sad as she took out her umbrella and left. Maybe it was just my imagination, but I don't think so. It seemed to me that in spite of the strange conversation, I could almost reasonably call it a first date. It may not have been productive in a strictly romantic way, but I definitely felt a lot closer to her. Like many of my endeavors, I would have to call it a successful failure.
This was one of those odd moments where every now and then I would notice her looking at me in a sad way, and not in the sadly inquisitive way that I might expect to see from a girl like Yuki. The look I'm talking about is more like the look my mother gave me that time when I returned from running away from home.
- x -
In an odd bit of synchronicity, just as I was thinking about days of my delinquent youth, I saw a group of girls who seemed to be up to something in the park.
"Hey!" I called out, causing them to scatter as I approached.
I saw another girl lying in the mud and immediately realized that she was the victim of bullying. I helped her up.
"Are you all right?" I asked, shocked to notice that it was Yuki I was helping. "Miss Nagato?" I said. "How the heck did this happen? Are you hurt?"
"I'm fine," she answered in her usual monotone. "I do not require your assistance."
"Like hell!" I told her. "You're all bruised up."
"Take a look around," she said. "Notice anything unusual?"
I looked around and said, "I don't see any..." Before I could finish, another strange group of girls flickered in and out of existence before my eyes, like magic. Yuki finished standing, and she began to clean the mud off her uniform.
"There are eight data units at my disposal in this situation," she added. "I assure you, your assistance is unnecessary."
"How did they just disappear like that?" I asked.
"Stealth mode."
"So, why didn't they do anything?"
"Because I forbade them."
"You what?"
Ordinarily, I would expect Yuki to just ignore me, but she seemed to be in the mood to be unusually forthcoming.
"The first rule of data units," she explained, "is to not allow harm to come to a person if it is possible. The first rule supersedes other considerations, including one's faction. In this situation, it wasn't possible to avoid harm. I could only minimize it."
This rule of hers reminded me of Asimov's famous robot books, and made me remember how I had enjoyed those particular stories.
She continued, "If I had prevented the actions of my assailants or if I had forced their restraint, it would have caused the pointless harm of a reasonable expectation of future violence. I understand your urge toward retaliation, and that attitude seems to be reflected in many of my peers, but I do not desire violence or any form thereof." She stopped to spit and then added, "In any case, no permanent damage was caused."
"That's crap," I said. "Look, you just spit out a tooth."
"Look at this," she said, pointing to her uniform.
"At what?" I asked.
"These blood stains," she said. "Many of these are not my own. Did you believe that these interactions would not have side effects or did not already cause harm?"
"Why did that...?" I wondered, thinking about the kind of attacks that could cause a perpetrator to bleed on their victim.
"If it is within my power to prevent harm, I prevent it," she explained. "If I lose the power to prevent harm, I do not then seek to retain the appearance of that power. I only do whatever I am permitted."
For a humanoid interface, she sure seemed to have a strange sense of logic.
"How long has this been going on?" I asked.
To this question, she replied with her usual silence. She then suddenly slumped a bit with exhaustion, and I was reminded of the time when Koizumi had been run ragged during Haruhi's movie shooting. I rushed to help her out again.
"I apologize if this incident has alarmed you," Yuki said. "I will return this interface to its base form."
She then glimmered for a few moments and suddenly appeared clean and unharmed, including her glasses.
"It would be unwise for me to allow Miss Suzumiya to see me in a distressed state," she explained.
I didn't think Haruhi would suddenly turn up, but I can never be sure what Haruhi is thinking. Haruhi does have a tendency to turn up at odd moments.
"I admire what a perfectionist you are," I said, "but you really should retaliate. How will they ever learn, otherwise?"
It suddenly struck me that Yuki had enjoyed being attacked that way, but my mind had reeled at the impression. When I thought back to when I had pulled her up out of the mud, she had been smiling. There was a really strange look of satisfaction on her face that came to me, as well.
"Honestly," I added, more trying to convince myself than her.
"I see," she said. "You value survival above ideals?"
"Well, I think it's just experience," I answered.
"So," she mysteriously concluded, "you developed an affection for the promotion of one's own survival."
"I did?" I wondered.
She continued, "You view a successful assault as a failure to prevent the potential loss of one's genetic attributes. Furthermore, you ascribe to the notion of the appeal of failure, and you view those so afflicted as comforted by their losses or compelled by pity. Or perhaps you ascribe to the death wish attribution."
I retaliate because that's what you do. It's culture, not logic. All this surmising seemed utterly irrational, though it did make a kind of weird human sense. What was really strange was that I could comprehend everything she was saying.
"You seem to know a lot about the human condition," I observed.
"My work requires me to be involved in human affairs," she admitted. "I have come to understand many of the tendencies to which humans adhere. In particular, I have become most acquainted with the pleasure of eating and drinking."
"Eating and drinking?" I wondered, then suddenly remembered that she sometimes did eat and drink.
"It was surprising," she added. "I had not expected the sensation to trigger so many instinctive responses."
"What's surprising is how you can discuss martial philosophy in one breath, and then discuss eating and drinking in the next."
"I do not converse in a random fashion."
It then hit me that she had enjoyed this conversation. There was something about the particular topics and the timing that suggested this. Having admitted that it wasn't random, I had no choice but to believe the smile I had seen on her face, earlier. The part about eating and drinking was strange, too, but that served to remind me of something important I had forgotten.
"That reminds me," I said. "I should get home. I'll see you later."
I started to walk away, but it didn't seem right to do that. If Yuki really is a humanoid who somehow enjoys getting pummeled every now and then, I just can't walk away. She may be able to forbid other humanoids from helping her, but she can't exactly forbid me. Well, she probably could, but I wouldn't just go along with it.
"On second thought," I said, "I'll walk you home."
"That will not be necessary," she said.
"Of course not," I answered, "but I insist."
- x -
As we walked along the sidewalk, I thought about that brief glance I had had of the attackers. I hadn't actually seen them attacking Yuki, but the fact that they had seemed pretty undeniable. It was also clear that they were school girls, although I didn't quite notice which school's uniform they were wearing. Yuki was nearly always in her school uniform, and I had begun to think of it as part of her standard-issue gear, though she had removed the glasses at this point.
Once again, I reflected on how Yuki had handled the situation, and I have to admit that it changed my opinion of her. Out of all the options she had, standing there and taking that much abuse was not an option I would even consider. Of course, I can't just return to normal in a flash, either. Still, it really pissed me off that people could do that to her.
"So," I said, "you won't allow harm to come to someone, if it's possible?"
"Correct," she answered.
"How do you avoid wanting to take over the world, then?" I asked, this being the first thing that came to mind.
"Seeking absolute dominance has many risks," she replied. "The potential harm outweighs the potential gain."
"So, it's never possible to have a perfect world?" I wondered.
"A perfect world is not possible unless it's comprised of perfect members," she explained. "However, even data units are far from perfect, as you may have surmised from previous encounters. I am a perfectionist, but I am not perfect."
"So, you read," I concluded.
"Is there some significance in reading with respect to the topic of controlled behavior?" she asked.
"I mean, you read in order to improve yourself," I explained.
She smirked and said, "I see. You believe that I am unaware of the contents of the books I read."
"Yeah..." I answered. "Why else would you read?"
"Interesting," she commented.
"What is?" I asked.
"Your data patterns," she replied.
This evasiveness of hers struck me as odd when I considered how forthcoming someone like Koizumi usually is. Thinking about Koizumi reminded me how Yuki was on a mission to study Haruhi.
"Isn't it Haruhi who's the key to evolution or whatever?" I asked.
"That is the subject of my duties," she answered.
"So, I'm just an amusing hobby?"
"Sometimes you are not amusing."
"How about Haruhi? Is she amusing?"
"I find Haruhi Suzumiya to be vexing. I do take amusement from my instinctive reactions to her."
"You like her?"
"My instincts are to view her as an irritating mother figure."
This talk of instincts reminded me of when she had mentioned eating and drinking, and this gave me a sudden realization.
"Really?" I said. "Wait, you have instincts?"
"Yes," she replied.
"I think you just blew my mind," I said.
That may have sounded like a complaint, but I found myself really enjoying this conversation. It was amazing how much I was learning about her, all from a single incident.
"I find awareness is growing within myself," she added. "For example, I can now view my interface and myself as one and the same."
"Well, that's great," I said, thinking there was a quality of Zen in this development.
"You approve of this deterioration?" she asked, catching me by surprise with her choice of words.
"I find it hard to believe you really think of that as deterioration," I replied.
She explained, "Instincts are, by necessity, destructive and debilitating. Such a condition can only be termed a deterioration."
"But, you know," I said, "Haruhi acts almost purely on instinct. Heck, even Koizumi is a pretty instinctive person."
"I had not noticed that," she admitted.
"I'm a little reluctant to think about what instincts he might have," I added, "but Koizumi definitely uses them."
"Would you call Itsuki Koizumi a good role model?" she asked.
When she asked me that, I suddenly had the impression of her being a girl asking her boyfriend something in the nature of a personal opinion. It really made me wonder to think of Yuki that way.
"I find this discussion to be of value," she admitted. "Is there something I have failed to comprehend about Itsuki Koizumi?"
"Aside from the fact that he annoys the hell out of me?"
"Aside from his amusing superstitions and superior appearance influences."
"You find him attractive?"
"Yes."
"Okay, now he's really pissing me off."
- x -
As we came to her apartment building, I noticed that it wasn't raining anymore. I put away my umbrella and became a little more irritated at the turn this conversation had taken.
"Just because Koizumi isn't a good role model doesn't mean instincts are a bad thing to live by," I explained. "You said yourself that you had increased awareness."
"Is increased awareness a preferable result?" she asked.
"Of course it is. Being a bigot is just stupid."
"And this is the result of my deteriorating condition?"
"There's that old Chinese saying. You know, about a gem needing to be polished."
"I'm aware of that. The analogy is often paired with the concept of the appeal of failure. It serves as a warning to those who find comfort in their failures."
"Right..."
I began to wonder what her definition of failure was, but then I realized that it was most likely something to do with the rules, whatever those are. There was a definite terminology gap between us, so I doubted I would really understand what she was saying. If she was starting to understand that a narrow awareness was a failure in itself, then that would be a good thing.
"Perhaps you are correct," she said. "Would you say that affection is an acceptable condition?"
"Yes," I said, as how could I say otherwise?
"Then you will not be offended if I indicate that I have affection for you?" she asked.
"When you say affection, do you mean...?" I wondered if she was saying what I thought she was saying.
"My meaning is that I would prefer increased proximity and greater exclusion," she explained.
In plain terms, she was jealous, and she was interpreting it as affection. Having recently experienced this sensation myself, I felt like I could empathize. My immediate feeling, however, was that of pity for her. I wondered if she had any respect for herself. I wondered if she even understood what respect was.
"Wow," I said. "Now, that's a revelation."
"Are you offended?" she asked.
I think my face somehow conveyed the idea that her feelings were not at all welcome, because she looked a little puzzled as she waited for my reaction.
"No, I'm a little surprised," I said. "That's all."
"Am I improved in awareness, in your opinion?" she then asked.
"I think this is a huge improvement," I admitted. "Yeah."
"Okay," she acknowledged.
By this, I understood her to mean that it was an improvement that she could express feelings like that. When I looked at her and realized that she felt that way, I could only really see Haruhi in my mind. I wondered if she could sense what I was thinking.
"I'm just having trouble believing this is really you," I said.
"Is this really such a significant change?"
"Yeah, it is."
In characteristic fashion, Yuki then suddenly turned and started to enter her apartment building. I can't say whether this was just Yuki being herself or wanting to avoid the topic of feelings. Maybe avoiding this subject was part of her personality, but I really needed to clear the air here. This was a dangerous situation.
"Whoa," I said, "hold on a second!"
"Was there something else?" she asked, stopping for a moment.
"You can't just leave me hanging like that, can you?"
"You have something to add?"
"Sure, but maybe this isn't the right place."
"I do not require your assistance."
I was suddenly reminded somehow of Mikuru at the thought that Yuki had not only dropped the subject of feelings, but she had assumed that I had dropped it, as well.
"That isn't what I meant," I explained. "I mean, you can't just say that you love me and then walk away."
"You may accompany me, if you wish," she offered.
- x -
One thing was for sure, I couldn't really think of Yuki as some strange girl or an acquaintance. Just the fact that she had raised this subject made me feel that she had earned the title of friend, though I wondered if she understood the difference. I wasn't willing to share her feelings, though. That would be going a little too far. I really would prefer to think of her as a friend, and nothing more. When we entered her apartment, I resolved to tell her this as soon as possible.
"It's one thing to find awareness growing within yourself," I said. "It's quite another thing to discover that you're in love with someone."
"This affection is not something I recently discovered," she answered.
"It isn't?" I asked.
As we stood there near the entrance, she told me something that really took me by surprise. "I don't know exactly when," she admitted, "but this data is something that I have been observing for quite some time."
"Well," I said, "this is something I'm just now learning."
"This data has several instinctive associations," she added. "I find that it triggers several reactions. Without conscious restraints, I find myself acting in violation of several rules."
"I guess I can sympathize with that," I said, although I wasn't really sure I could.
"You have a similar reaction to Mikuru Asahina?" she asked.
I felt a little disappointed to think that she hadn't actually read my mind, but then I felt a little relieved. This just meant that I would have to break the news to her, but I think I'm actually pretty good at this kind of thing.
"I..." I said, thinking for a moment, "I don't think I'd say I'm in love with her, but I definitely have a reaction. I think that's more in the nature of the fact that I value her as a friend, and I think I trust her more than most people."
"Do you trust her more than Haruhi Suzumiya?"
"I don't know. I trust her to be a better student. Somehow, I doubt Haruhi would make a good time traveler."
"A better student?"
"Maybe not so much a better student so much as a better behaved student. I would probably prefer to work with Miss Asahina. She strikes me as a more reliable person."
"So, you do not view Mikuru Asahina as I view you."
"No, I think I view Haruhi the way you view me."
I felt relieved that we finally steered this conversation back towards Haruhi, and I was a little more relieved that she seemed to understand.
"I see," Yuki said. "So, you value her affections above anyone else's."
"I think I would value her trust above anyone else's," I said. "You know, this is a really weird conversation."
"Is this conversation disagreeable?" Yuki wondered.
"There's something definitely not right, here," I said, thinking that you don't usually talk about romance with this kind of terminology. Much as I appreciate the novelty of it, it does erode away the feeling that it's a real conversation.
"I agree," Yuki said. "Would it be acceptable if I asked when you discovered this data concerning Haruhi Suzumiya?"
"Well," I answered, "I'd have to say that it just happened yesterday."
"Do you remember how?" she asked.
"Sure," I said. "I guess since we're being totally honest with each other, I'll go ahead and tell you."
"Please," she said.
Now that the conversation had come back around to a more believable tone, I became aware again that we were still just standing around, discussing things like two close friends.
I told her, "Haruhi and I went to my old hometown yesterday. While we were there, we had a long conversation with my father. It was mostly just him trying to impress Haruhi and Haruhi blathering, but it made me realize that I really didn't want anyone else to be her boyfriend. And I guess realizing that made me realize I was in love with her."
"So," Yuki concluded, "you responded to the nature of her conversational characteristics."
"Yeah, I guess so," I said. "Sounds really weird when you put it that way, but yeah."
"Has she responded to your affections?"
"No. Actually, I don't think she's even aware."
"You haven't attempted to make her aware?"
"No, the opportunity never came up. And..."
Okay, here's the hard part. If Koizumi had suddenly kissed me on the lips it would not be more strange than this development I had had with Haruhi, yesterday.
"And?" Yuki prompted.
"Later, on the train," I continued, "she confessed that she had been hoping that she would find something unusual or really interesting about me. She was really disappointed. And, just today, she mentioned that she was still depressed about it."
"I see," Yuki said. "And that has prevented you from engaging a mutual affection."
"I'm not sure how she feels about me, now," I admitted. "Maybe I'm just being a big idiot."
Much as I wanted to believe that Haruhi's interpretation of her disappointment was just a fantasy, I couldn't deny that Haruhi herself seemed to believe it.
"Is it possible that you are mistaken about your preferences?" Yuki asked.
"Is it possible that you are?" I asked her right back.
"No," she replied. "I have accumulated verification. There is no doubt."
"I know it's only been a day," I admitted, "but I don't think I'm mistaken. I'm sorry."
Yuki smirked and asked, "Why do you apologize?"
It was starting to annoy me, seeing that smirk. I think I'd prefer if she just pointed and laughed.
"Is it funny that I'm in love with her?" I asked.
"Yes, it is," she answered.
"Jeez," I said, having a hard time believing she could answer me like that.
"Would that answer be more like something Haruhi Suzumiya would say?" she asked.
"I don't know," I replied. "I'm kind of terrified that she might say something like that."
"She does not take your input seriously," Yuki reminded me.
"You don't have to tell me," I said. "Although, to be honest, she seemed to be really serious when we spoke yesterday."
"Really?" she asked.
"Yeah. I think she actually broke down and cried when she admitted she was disappointed with me."
"Why do you think she reacted that way?"
"I don't know. I think she realized we weren't as close, potentially, as she had believed."
"Okay."
I wondered if Yuki and I weren't as close as she'd like to believe. There's no way she would tell me that, though. Much as I might feel comfortable relating personal details like this, it didn't strike me as something she would ever do. There was the matter-of-fact way she had related her jealousy, but she had conveyed that fact with all the romance of a cashier telling me how much I owed the store.
"I always get the feeling like I'm inside out when we talk like this," I admitted.
"Always?" she asked.
"Especially right now, though," I added. "You tell me you're in love with me, and here I am confessing that I'm in love with Haruhi. It's like a weird dream."
"I'm relieved to hear it," she said, unexpectedly.
"You are?" I asked.
"Now that I know your affections are not shared," she explained, "it encourages me to think that I can persuade you to adjust your preferences."
"You really think you can do that?" I asked, apparently forgetting who I was talking to.
"Yes," she replied.
"How?" I asked, wondering what kind of mind control device she would use.
"I will have to trust you," she answered.
"Trust me?" I asked, mentally reeling at this succession of verbal hits.
"I cannot be certain of your data," she said.
This sounded familiar, but my mind was still whirling. "What do you mean?" I asked her.
For a moment, I thought she wasn't going to answer, but then she went to the table and sat. Seeing her sit there, I felt obliged to join her.
"Do you remember your first encounter?" Yuki then asked.
"Yeah," I replied.
"And I served you tea?" she continued.
"I remember that," I said. "You seemed to be caught in some kind of loop, there."
"I performed a simple experiment. I hypothesized that you would stop after half a cup."
"So, you just kept serving me tea?"
"I was curious to see the exact number you would drink."
"Okay. That's a strange thing to experiment over."
I had thought of it as a cultural faux pas, myself, but whatever.
"It lent credence to the hypothesis that you have a turbulent psyche," she added.
"What's that?" I asked, having never heard that term.
"A simple condition that some humans possess," she explained. "It is estimated that on this planet there are roughly eighty million who have that."
"And is that what I have?" I asked.
"It is still in question," she said. "However, the data continues to indicate it."
This all reminded me how she had started this whole explanation.
"Are you saying you don't think you can trust me?" I asked.
"The conclusion I reached is that I would need to trust you," she stated. "I have no way to predict with certainty what you will do."
"So, is that why you told me you were an alien?" I wondered.
"In that instance," she informed me, "I had decided to trust you because I was not certain what dangers your possible condition would provoke. As it happened, I was correct to trust you."
Here again she pointed out some human-like feature in herself that I had failed to notice. I think I would normally expect Mikuru to be the one who would operate with that level of consideration. I felt a chill down my spine to think that she had been using these features since before I had met her.
"And Haruhi doesn't take my data seriously," I reflected. "In fact, I think less seriously than ever. Is it even possible that she could have feelings for me?"
"It's possible," Yuki admitted. "It's most likely that she suffers from a triggered form of bipolar disorder. Her emotions toward you are likely the displaced subconscious desire she has to cure her depression."
It was kind of eerie, hearing Yuki say so plainly the things I was thinking in the back of my mind. If I had found a psychologist's report on Haruhi, I imagined it would say something similar.
"There is also the likelihood that she takes your input too seriously," Yuki added. "In that case, her inability to acknowledge your data is disrupted by feelings of distrust, possibly triggered by your condition."
All this mumbo jumbo was making my head spin, again.
"I'm sorry," I said. "What?"
"It is the less likely of the possibilities," Yuki admitted, "but it is worth considering, given the circumstances."
The first possibility had a ring of truth to it, and that second one struck me in an odd way.
"I don't think she really distrusts me," I said. "That's probably just a mask of some kind."
"I would agree," she said, "but it remains a possibility."
Whatever the origin of Haruhi's feelings, I had little doubt she had feelings for me. I just wasn't sure I could trust her feelings. More importantly, would she let her disappointment get in the way?
I sighed and added, "I wish Haruhi was this upfront with me."
"Are your interactions frequently ineffective?" Yuki asked.
"It's probably nothing," I said, "but I have no idea what to do with her. She doesn't give me any openings." Nothing I can see clearly at the time, anyway.
"She never attempts personal interactions?" Yuki asked.
"I wouldn't say never," I replied. "I just never hear about anything good."
I immediately thought of that story about how Haruhi had wanted to kill herself, and then dragged my thoughts away from that subject to the more pleasant thought of comic books. In comic books, people never fail to express their feelings. In fact, now that I thought about it, the heroes of those stories rarely ever failed to do anything they attempted. I remembered with some annoyance how disappointed comic books made me feel, at times.
"Please do not interpret this as preferential influence," Yuki stated. "Whatever happens, my primary aim is your convenience."
"Thanks," I said, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off my back.
"I was not prompting your gratitude," she said. "I merely wish to inquire your opinions of myself."
"Oh," I said, thinking I wasn't quite clear of this situation just yet. "Well, it goes without saying that I trust you. I mean, I thought you were delusional at first, but you've made me change my mind about that."
"So, I am special in your mind?" she asked.
"Yeah," I replied.
"That is sufficient," she stated.
"Okay," I said, feeling grateful again. "I know you aren't prompting it, but thanks a lot."
"Is there anything else?" she asked.
"No," I answered. "I really should get home, now."