Hiya ppl ^~^
Disclymer: I do not own any of the Bleach characters. I do own Nadeshiko and Kuroi Sendo. Yays.
Chapter two: Hell begins!
Almost six months have passed since Nadeshiko has arrived in the Seretei. If at first they thought she was arrogant, rude and rush – now they were positive she was like that. But she was more too.
Nadeshiko was funny, smart and cunning. She was undoubtedly a pervert and also a sadistic person, but she didn't enjoy humiliating or hurting others just for nothing. But she was violent.
Oh she was definitely violent.
She was unexpectedly calm too. It was as if she had two personalities: Nadeshiko the captain and Nadeshiko the woman. It was shocking for everyone who walked into her neat and sterile office to think the organized and serious female sitting near the dark granite-made desk is the same wild girl that got drunk the night before with Matsumoto and even convinced Captain Kuchiki to play strip poker with her.
So after five months of seeing her everyday, having her help him at controlling Matsumoto and even sparing with her occasionally – and losing almost every time – Hitsugaya Toshiro has decided that she was irritatingly likeable.
Toshiro opened the door that led to the tenth division's main garden, thinking to take a time off, only to hear Matsumoto's and Nadeshiko's voices.
"So yeah, I was like 'it ripped the freaking moment I touched it, I want my money back' and the damn woman dared to argue with me!" Nadeshiko was clearly pissed off about a random shopping thing. "At the end her boss came around and gave me a refund plus a bonus for the mental stress, but god damn it peeps, when a captain drags herself all over to your shop in western Rokugenkai only to get a refund – fuckin' give her a refund!"
"I know!" Matsumoto groaned, "They're getting so full of themselves lately, I'm not going to shop there again!"
"Nanao-san said she wouldn't either."
As Toshiro walked further into the garden he saw Matsumoto laying on her back, clearly sun-tanning while Nadeshiko laid on her stomach, reading a magazine and sucking on a black lollipop.
"Ah! Taicho!" Matsumoto sat up, "came to join us?"
"No."
"But you will now!" cheered Nadeshiko happily, "come sit with us Toshi, it won't kill you – it'll make you stronger."
He growled at the nickname she gave him, even though it's been three months since it happened, and sat down in front of them, glaring angrily. It's not like he could walk away. They'll follow him and drive him mad for fun.
"You said Nanao-chan won't shop there anymore?" continued Matsumoto curiously.
"Yep. She says they're awfully rude whenever she comes over. Nelliel seconded that and even Unohana-taicho said she dislikes them and will not stop by again."
"Even Unohana-taicho?" Matsumoto shook her head, "amazing."
"Ne Toshi," Nadeshiko turned to look at him, "Do you know why Mayuri and Urahara had taken our blood last month?"
"I don't know, but I know they've only taken the blood of whoever's fifth seat or higher."
"Do you think it has something to do with comparing the reiatsu stereotypes?"
"I was thinking of that, but you know Yamamoto-soutaicho." Toshiro shook his head, "he'll never agree and even he let them have some of his blood."
"Then maybe they're trying to understand why not everyone can have a bankai." Nadeshiko flipped to her back, holding the magazine in front of her. "Hmm… I'll look so good in that nightgown!"
"Show me, show me!" Matsumoto snatched the magazine and whistled, "Yeah you would! I figured you look better in nightgowns rather than pajamas."
"Yeah! Ran-chan looks best with boxers and a top right?"
"Yup, makes my butt look good."
"Your butt always looks good. Oh yeah, you're totally gonna die!" Nadeshiko sat up and clapped her hands excitedly. "You know the Shinigami calendar?"
"Yeah I modeled last year!"
"Yeah, so last week they had me model for them too."
Now Toshiro was listening to them. (A\N: I wonder why? hmmmm...)
"So, you know, they wanted me to do February, because I just look great with furs." Nadeshiko blushed happily, "and then I saw Soifon-taicho there too!"
"Soifon-taicho?"
"Yes!" Nadeshiko laughed, "Apparently Urahara-san blabbed about the calendar next to Yoruichi-san, and she signed Soifon-taicho for it! I swear, I never thought she could pull it off but she was one adorable Miss April! I mean snow and sakura petals look just awesome next to that woman, especially when they go deco-Lolita on her."
"I've got to see it!"
"Yep!" Nadeshiko nodded, "and you know the male version? They got Byakuya to do November. He's freaking p-e-r-f-e-c-t. And they had Grimm for August too! I swear, the photographer nearly died when she saw his abs. They had to drag her away cause she actually started drooling."
"Oh my god, Kuchiki-taicho and Grimmjow?"
"And Ukitake-san! And even Renji and Hisagi!" Nadeshiko sighed, "The men's calendar is like a danger for women. I mean, they'll have wet dreams for a whole year!"
"But ours good too! What, with Nadeshiko modeling."
"Nelliel modeled too, and even Nanao-san descended to our world and did October. Yachiru-chan looks adorable doing June!" Nadeshiko sighed, "Our calendar is a perfect mix of hotness, cuteness and sexiness. I'm so proud!"
"But isn't there anything co-ed?"
"Of course there is!" Nadeshiko grinned, "There are six coed calendars and they will be given out randomly!"
"Who was your partner?" Matsumoto's tone was beyond excited, "I have'ta know!"
"I did November with Grimms." Nadeshiko smiled, "his perfect abs and my shmexy butt did the job for the rainy season."
"Now I'm dying to see!"
"Don't worry, I already have one of the co-ed calendars for myself." Nadeshiko smiled, "cause as a model I can choose whichever calendar I want."
"SHOW ME!" roared Matsumoto.
After twenty minutes an embarrassed Kira had walked in to find a very suspicious scene where Nadeshiko was pushing Matsumoto off of her, her hands pressed against the naturally enormous breasts, Matsumoto was trying to catch Nadeshiko's neck while Hitsugaya hugged her hips and desperately tried to rip her off the other woman.
"I – I'm sorry I interrupted!" shrieked Kira.
They stopped and Nadeshiko smirked a familiar horrible smirk.
"Not at all Kira! In fact, join us."
"Eh?"
"Nadeshiko!" Toshiro paled and finally managed to rip Matsumoto away from the perverted captain. "Ignore her Kira, what brings you here?"
"Mayuri-taicho and Urahara-san request your presence in their laboratory at once!"
Toshiro was just helping Nadeshiko up and both of them had the same shocked expression, followed by Matsumoto speaking what they thought.
"But I don't want to go to that dark and evil whore-house!"
"Why'd you call us, Mayuri?"
Nadeshiko's loud entrance surprised the group of people inside.
Nelliel, Grimmjow, Nanao, Ichigo, Rukia, Byakuya, Renji, Hinamori, Yumichika, and Soifon all stared at them angrily.
"As of now, Yamamoto-taicho, shut up." Said Mayuri calmly and Nadeshiko's jaw dropped.
"What did he say to me?"
"Yes, yes, let's go that way…" Toshiro very calmly grabbed her arms and pulled her away, keeping her as far as possible from Mayuri, and possibly saving his life.
Finally, Kira stumbled into the room and closed the door.
"All are here!" Cheered Urahara, "good, good!"
"Mind telling me why I spend my precious time here?" asked Soifon coldly.
"The minute my partner here is ready!" Urahara waved his hand, "you can't rush good things!"
"Partner?" asked Nemu curiously.
"Not the partner you had in mind, you pervy girl!" Urahara started dancing around like a hysterical princess.
"I don't understand."
"Hey Nemu! Stop talking and go bring the objects!"
The room became silent. No one dared to think what kind of 'objects' Mayuri could come up with, especially since it was rather clear they were somehow involved with said 'objects'.
Nadeshiko paled, "what objects?"
"You're not sticking anything into my head!" announced Ichigo, "and not into Rukia's either!"
"No one will stick anything in your heads or holes, for that matter." Mayuri's gaze was focused especially on Nadeshiko, Matsumoto and Grimmjow who all sighed with relief. The perverted trio - the fear of every virgin, or any other descent person.
"So why are we here?" asked Nanao, fixing her glasses. "I have important bussines to attend to…"
"The only thing you will attend to for the time being is your child."
Eeryone turned to stare at Nanao with surprise. Now THAT was something they didn't expect. Nanao? A mother? Did Kyoraku really have his way with her in the end? And if he did, how drunk was she?
Nadeshiko smirked, "Nanao-san, I didn't know you were that naughty."
"Really Nanao-chan!" Matsumoto shook her head, "and here I thought you were a serious girl!"
"I – I don't know what he's talking about!" she shrieked, red from head to toe.
"As a matter of fact, you all will be parents." Said Mayuri and everyone in the room started showing signs of panic.
Byakuya pulled his scarf, attempting to silently end his life.
Soifon lifted a chair and threw it at Mayuri.
Yumichika and Rangiku screamed with horror, instantly whining about how it'll ruin their beauty.
Kira started crying.
Nelliel hugged the shaking Nanao, her expression far beyond shock.
Ichigo and Rukia started writing down their wills.
Grimmjow's swearing only gotten louder, while Nadeshiko stared at herself with confusion before she repeatedly touched her flat stomach - as if she was trying to make sure there was nothing breathing in there.
Toshiro chose to let Hyorinmaru panic for him.
"How can I be a mom if I'm not pregnant, or didn't have sex for the past six months?" asked Nadeshiko calmly, causing everyone in the room to freeze. "Did you use our blood to create a living child?"
"Exactly, as expected of awesome Shiko-chan who also has a heck of a butt!" Urahara grinned, "I saw the calendars. You go great with fur."
"I know right?" Nadeshiko grinned proudly and then shook her head, "No, damn it. Explain yourselves!"
"Since we have noticed that life in the Gotei 13 became quite boring we've decided to experiment with your parental abilities." Said Mayuri calmly. "Because all of you will eventually have children, we felt it is our duty to prepare you for that time."
"Cut the bullshit," said Toshiro coldly, "you were bored."
"Bingo." Mayuri nodded at Nemu who dragged a huge box into the room. "We've compared the blood of potential parents and you people were the ones with the best DNA and data."
"Then we paired you according to the statistics and categories we made, which you don't need to know about." Urahara took out a small board and cleared his throat. "When I read a pairs name, come forward."
Mayuri shouted something about him being the head of the experiment and snatched the board away.
"Kurosaki Ichigo and Kuchiki Rukia."
Rukia and Ichigo walked forward quietly and Nemu handed them a pale red capsule, about the size of a big newborn child.
Rukia took the capsule with shaking hands. It moved and she dropped it, but Ichigo caught the capsule and stared at it with wide eyes.
"Ise Nanao and Grimmjow Jeagerjaques!"
"They paired them together?" Nadeshiko shook her head, "she'll go mad. He's too much for a serious girl like her."
Nanao took the capsule that was handed to her, a pale blue one.
"Kuchiki Byakuya and Soifon."
Now Nadeshiko started laughing silently, exactly like Toshiro. It was out of stress really.
Poor child. With parents like that, it was meant to be unhappy.
Neither Soifon or Byakuya touched the pale purple capsule.
Nemu sighed, "You may use kido."
Byakuya made the capsule float while Soifon eyed it suspiciously.
"Matsumoto Rangiku and Ayasegawa Yumichika."
"Oh good, the child will be beautiful!" Yumichika spun in his place like the gay ballerina he was while Matsumoto skipped towards the pale orange capsule cheerfully.
"Yeah, at leas we know it'll have awesome hair!"
"Nelliel Tu Odelschwank and Izuru Kira."
Nelliel gave Kira a terrified look and he simply sniffed, clearly about to pass out.
They took the pale yellow capsule and stared at it with wide eyes.
"Abarai Renji and Hinamori Momo."
Nadeshiko sighed, "Somehow I'm not surprised by this outcome."
"Neither am I." muttered Toshiro.
"So… you do the diapers I'll do the rest?"
"Deal."
Hinamori took the pale pink capsule, smiling a shy smile while Renji started pocking it with his finger. She gave him an irritated glare.
"It's okay to slap him silly," said Nadeshiko, "you too Nanao. If he annoys you, kick him in the balls."
"You bet I will." She muttered angrily when Grimmjow, overtaken by his cat instincts, started playing with the capsule as if it was a ball.
"That leaves you two, Hitsugaya Toshiro and Yamamoto Nadeshiko."
"Yeah, yeah, hand over the lab kid."
Nadeshiko took the pale jade capsule she was given and instantly shoved it to Toshiro's hands.
"It moves. I'm scared. Have fun daddy."
Toshiro rolled his eyes. Then the capsule moved.
In the next second Nadeshiko was holding the capsule while Toshiro pressed himself against a wall.
"It moved."
"So? I warned you." She said.
"No. It moved, meaning it's alive, meaning it cannot be dropped. Murphy's law: this means I will surely drop it and it will damage whatever is inside it." Toshiro paled, "and it might die."
"Oh great, he has a phobia." Nadeshiko looked around the suddenly couple filled room.
Matsumoto and Yumichika were planning clothes already, completely absorbed in the idea of having a beautiful child. Freaks.
Ichigo and Rukia were dividing responsibilities while stopping their capsule from moving. No wonder it was hyperactive, look at the parents!
Renji and Hinamori moved the capsule occasionally, absorbed in their thoughts.
Nanao hugged the capsule protectively, stopping Grimmjow from using it as a basketball.
Nelliel and Kira were too terrified to touch it.
Byakuya and Soifon finally dared to touch the capsule, but now they couldn't remove their hands.
"Look Toshi, we're surrounded by crazy people!" Nadeshiko laughed, "Let's tell them Santa's taking over the world and see what happens!"
"Let's not." he suggested, eyeing the capsule suspiciously, "do you think it's sick? It moves less than the others."
"Maybe it's just lazy."
"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" barked Nemu suddenly. All eyes turned to her and she blushed, "Thank you."
Mayuri seemed to lose interest in them and so Urahara did the talking now.
"Umm so! Now each of you will go back to your rooms and pack your things, then gather at the main hall of the first division. We have prepared your apartments for you and will send your belongings there. Once you are in the human world please remember you must stay undercover at all times. You are not there as shinigami and therefore are not allowed to combat unless a hollow of major strength appears, or a hollow threatens your child or a human near you. You have three hours to get ready, the faster you do it the quicker you will get to the human world!"
"And now get out of my lab!" barked Mayuri, in a sudden hysteria attack, and kicked the shocked new-parents out of his squats quarters.
"Fucking shit!"
"Grimmjow, shut up."
"No!" Grimmjow kicked a random wall in the main hall of the first division. It resulted in him screaming with agony. "What the hell do they think? That they can just fuck our life up whenever they are bored?"
Nadeshiko sighed and blew on her right hand before she moved on to take care of her left hand's nails. She was sitting on top of her three gigantic suitcases, surrounded by another five smaller, but still not small enough, suitcases.
She was already dressed for the human world, as all of them, but she definitely stood out. Not because it was weird, because it was perfectly suited.
Nadeshiko wore tight black skinny jeans with rips along her tights. Her white button-down was decorated with a black satin ribbon along the buttons. She pushed the sleeves up to her elbows and didn't bother buttoning the first three buttons. She wore short and flat white boots and in general, she did look like a young mother – which was the whole damn point.
Next to Nadeshiko, placed in a crystal box so it cannot escape, was their capsule. But it didn't even try to escape, actually it was a little bit transparent now and they could clearly see that the infant inside was sleeping.
Toshiro almost screamed when Grimmjow kicked the suitcase mountain on which Nadeshiko sat.
"Grimm!" she shrieked and the capsule started moving violently. "Happy? Now it's jumping around again!"
"Who cares?" he barked, "Say something! You always say something!"
"What do you want me to do?" she demanded, "It's done. I can't just ditch – my grandfather will roast me. But yeah, fuck morals – I don't want to do this! But we have to. So shut up and go help Nanao because the kid definitely got your behavior and she can't handle it!"
"Yes taicho!" he shrieked and ran over to the lost girl in the bright purple dress.
"Geez…" Matsumoto dusted her overly exposing brown dress, "he's panicking."
"As most of us…" Nadeshiko's eyes widened at her appearance. "Ran-chan! We're supposed to be young parents not porn starts!"
"I refuse to be ugly!"
"I'll shave your head," warned Nadeshiko, "think like a mother!"
"I can't think like a fukutaicho and you want me to think like a mother?"
"Good one." Nadeshiko frowned, "wear a skirt… that mini denim skirt of yours and a long sleeved shirt – with no cleavage! Besides, it's freaking November, you'll be cold."
"Boots!" cheered Matsumoto and ran out of the hall.
Nadeshiko turned to look at Toshiro, "I pity you."
"I pity myself." He groaned and instantly caught the capsule when it suddenly jumped off the suitcase mountain.
"Nice reflexes," noted Nadeshiko and he blushed.
"Why can't you watch it?"
"Nails!"
"Big deal!"
"Oh you take that back or I'll lock you out of the house!"
"I'll just stay over at somebody's place."
Nadeshiko glared, "Then I'll show them last years rare edition calendar."
He paled.
She smirked.
"You wouldn't dare!"
"Watch me, pretty boy."
"Taicho!" screamed Nelliel and jumped into Nadeshiko's lap. "It attacked me!"
"So you left Kira to die?" smiled Nadeshiko, "c'mon Nell! You're the best mother out of us all, think about it!"
"B-but!"
"Nell."
"Alright…" Nelliel walked away, her expression determined. Well, she might've survived, but Kira passed out anyway.
"Think we'll be alright?" asked Nadeshiko suddenly.
"I don't know." He answered sincerely and hardly flinched when she appeared beside him, staring at the capsule with serious eyes.
"For god's sake Nadeshiko! It's just a drug store!" roared Toshiro angrily, glaring at her from the car's window.
Driving was not hard. At all.
When they were shot into the human world two hours ago they were given the apartment keys and the car keys. Apparently each, ugh, family, got her own car and they were lucky enough to get the BMW Z4, but it was definitely not Matsumoto's Ferrari.
"Well excuse me!" she exclaimed and got into the car angrily, holding a huge packet in her arms. "We need medicine! And it's not my fault the organic things are so hard to find!" Nadeshiko tightened her short trench coat around her, "damn human world… it's not cold but the winds awful."
"Uh huh." He replied, driving past the shocked humans that stared at them with wide eyes. They can choke on it, staring is not polite.
"Now what?" he asked randomly, stopping at a crossroad to let a group of teenagers pass.
"Well we bought medicine, food and basic things for the house…" Nadeshiko stopped and turned around. She paled. "Toshi. It's cracking."
"What the fuck?"
"It's fucking cracking!" she screamed "Drive somewhere you can park at!"
"But…"
"Now dammit!" she roared and he pressed the gas.
"She scares you to hell doesn't she?" snickered Hyorinmaru.
'Shut it,' he thought angrily, 'shut it, I'm not in the mood.'
"Why? Because you're almost a father?"
'Shut it or I'll leave you with Haineko!'
"Hey now, let's not do things we'll both regret alright master?"
Toshiro swore under his breath and pulled into a stop next to a big park. A few kids, perhaps teenager or pre-teens, played soccer down in the field and he vaguely felt a familiar reiatsu, but at the moment he didn't really give a damn.
Nadeshiko somehow climbed onto the back seat and motioned for him to stay silent.
The capsule was almost too see-through now and it cracked in a very organized manner.
Nadeshiko lifted it and suddenly flipped it over.
She glared.
"Oh that son of a bitch!" she turned to Toshiro, "you can relax, it won't hatch yet, it says it takes about four hours."
'Thank goodness…' Toshiro started the engine again and then turned to stare at Nadeshiko.
It was very easy, considering the fact their car didn't really have a roof.
"You're planning on sitting there with the suitcases or maybe you'll come back to the front?"
She snored and climbed forward. "You're so needy taicho."
"Fuck off."
"Gladly, get me a guy."
"Slut."
"Totally!" she smiled at him, "you have to admit you like it."
He chose to ignore this comment and kept on driving, mentally ordering Hyorinmaru to stop laughing.
Not that it helped.
Toshiro parked the car smoothly and walked out, admiring his work.
"I'm so awesome." He said proudly.
"Yeah, you're a joy. Start dragging bags! We're on the fifty-eighth floor, right?"
"Yeah, apartment 116." He opened the baggage and dragged his suitcases out. "Where're yours?"
"Most of them were sent to the apartment already, only the smaller ones are with me." Nadeshiko lifted the capsule carefully and threw a big azure bag over her shoulder. "Shall we, sire?"
"Oh, just die."
"Is this some kind of a joke?" she asked and he started walking away, praying that one day – he'll learn to think before he talks to a female. Because they don't have a 'shut up' button. Nu huh.
"God fuckin' damn it, elevators are so slow."
This comment was the first one Nadeshiko said since they entered the building. Ten minutes ago.
"Humans." He answered calmly.
"Figures."
A few more seconds with the elevator music and they suddenly heard Rukia's voice, screaming like crazy at Ichigo who knows why.
"Poor neighbors." Nadeshiko's voice was nonchalant, "they have to put up with us."
"Yeah…"
"D'you think Ran-chan will blow the skyscraper down?"
"She better not. What if you break a nail?"
"Ha-ha, you finally learned sarcasm." She snapped angrily and walked out. "We go to the left."
"Thanks for helping with the bags!" he barked and swore under his breath.
"Oh my god, give me the bags princess, you might break a gentle finger!" she exclaimed and snatched a suitcase away, dragging it towards the opened white door.
Toshiro followed and vaguely noticed a sign on the door, right below the apartment's number. It said 'Hitsugaya and Yamamoto – don't bother us'.
Whoever wrote that sign was a genius.
A\N: How was it? Please leave comment\ reviews\ however that's called. ^^