A/N Alrighty, here is chapter 2!
Trigger Warning! -There is a self-harm trigger warning for this chapter.
As usual, I do NOT own Glee or any of the songs I use. And yes I changed "Mr. Know It All" to "Mrs." Lol Cuz you know..I can do that lol
Santana turned around as the lights dimmed for the beginning of her song. She was debating, more like internally battling with herself. It had been so long since she looked into those blue eyes, the same ones that upset and righted her world all at the same time. Santana sigh softly, trying to get herself together enough to get through her set. As the melody of her new song "Mrs. Know It All" started, she turned to the crowd and starting singing.
As she made her way the dance routine, she knew she was killing it and a smile crept on her face. She had written the song a few months ago after everything that had happened with her ex. It had been the first serious relationship she had been in since Brittany, and it had ended just as badly as she was afraid it would. There had only been two good things to come from it all. The Latina's smile grew a little as her song came to a close hearing the crowd of her friends and old classmates going crazy. She bowed and thanked them all before walking off the stage.
"Amazing job as always babe" Quinn said as she hugged the latina.
"Thank you" Santana said quietly as she made her way to her make-shift dressing room to change. Quinn instantly knew something was wrong with her friend, they had been friends long enough for her to know the Latinas emotions.
"Talk to me. We both know that its not good for you to start going down this path." Quinn states just as quietly.
Santana sighed as she stood infront of the blonde silently asking her to unzip her dress. She stayed quiet while she changed into a red tee shirt and black skin tight jeans that showed off all her curves.
"I didn't think that with one look, everything would come back. That the feelings would come back. Which in turn leads me to the feelings Im still currently trying to get over. And now Im stuck reliving both break-ups." Santana said as she sat down next to the blonde to put on her knee high black boots.
Quinn didn't know what to say to help her friend, she knew all the brunette had been through and knew how hard it was for Santana to deal with it all. "Tell you what, we are done with all obligations here, so why don't you call the house and check in like I know you want to and we can go back to the hotel and order some junk food and binge watch some tv while getting drunk" she said finally with a small smile.
Santana smiled back at her friend slightly. "Sounds good to me"
"Good. Let me just finish up a few things and we will go. Ill meet you out front" Quinn smiled and left.
Santana threw on her black leather jacket and checked her make up in the mirror, doing a few touch ups. She couldn't stop the slowly starting spew of negativities that started running through her head in the quiet. Before she knew it she had been standing infront of the mirror for close to fifteen minutes. It was only the constant ringing of a phone that pulled her from the inner monologue that had taken over her brain.
She pulled her phone from her pocket and smiled at the caller ID. She answered the phone as she walked out of the dressing room. "Hola cutie. What are you doing up?"
Santana was so engrossed in her phone call that as she stood outside waiting for one blonde to show, she didn't notice another blonde sitting on a bench watching her.
"I told you, you cant go with me." She sighed a little. "Exactly, who would help with Tristan, you know he needs a cuddle buddy" Santana laughed and leaned against the wall as she continued her phone conversation. "hmm..I don't know…I mean, I wouldn't want someone to hear me, I do have a reputation to uphold." She said jokingly.
"Ok ok ok. Ill do it" Santana started singing "What Does The Fox Say" into the phone quietly. As her eyes scanned her surroundings, they landed on the same blue ones that had filled her dreams for years. Those same blue eyes had small smile in them as Brittany listened to the Latina sing into the phone. Santana stumble through the words a little as they held each others gaze.
"Your welcome my love, try and get some sleep and I will call you as soooon as I land ok?" She said quietly as she finally broke her staring match with the blonde. "Good night love, kiss your brother for me" As she hung up the phone she chanced another look at Brittany, noticing she had stood up and was now on her way over to the Latina.
"The Santana I knew would never have been caught singing something like that" The blonde smiled lightly as she stopped in front of the brunette.
"The Santana you knew is mostly dead and a lot of the way gone, soo I'm not all that surprised" Santana bit back.
"Your dead? But your standing in front of me." Brittany said with her head cocked to the side a little. Santana chuckled a little, same old slightly air headed Brittany, not that the Latina would ever say that out loud.
"You know what I meant Brit..tany" Santana caught herself from giving the blonde her old nickname. She tugged at the hem of her shirt and then her jacket straightening them, a nervous tick of hers. " What do you want Brittany?"
Brittany's smile faded. She had expected..well she guess's she didn't know what to expect from the brunette after how things had ended between them. "I don't know..I was just saying hi I suppose" she said quietly.
It was so good to see Santana, that Brittany had forgotten for just a moment that the Latina probably didn't want to talk to her as much as she wanted to talk to Santana. As an awkward silence took over them, Brittany was at a loss for words.
"Well…Hi…and Bye" Santana said as she turned to leave, never being so happy to see the limo waiting for her.
"You don't have to be so mean Santana. Believe it or not, Ive really missed you, missed my best friend." Brittany had said it so softly that Santana almost didn't hear it as she stared at the ground.
"Yeah well you didn't have to leave me the way you did…but you did. I had missed you every second of every day Brittany." Santana said as she stopped walking towards the limo.
"Santana…" Brittany finally looked up at the brunette and it broke her heart a little to see so much pain on Santana's face. "I-I'm sorry."
"Sorry doesn't fix and or help. What did you expect Brittany? Did you think by showing up that we would go back to how we were in high school?" Santana turned to look at the blonde.
"Honestly…a little bit. I thought that maybe we could at least be friends again"
"Well you were wrong, there is no going back, Im not the same person I was in high school." Santana's anxiety was rising and she knew that she should leave before it got any worse, but even after everything, not that she would admit it, but she had missed Brittany and seeing her again was great. But as great as it was, it was also opening wounds she never really closed. "I have to go, I have a plane to catch in the morning"
Without another word to the blonde, Santana turned and walked to the limo. She only looked back once she was in the car, and the look on Brittany's face hurt her more than it should. Santana closed her eyes as Brittany walked away as it triggered the memory of their break up all those years ago.
Seven Years Ago
Santana smiled as she walked up the stairs to Brittany and hers apartment. They had been living there for about a year and it had been amazing. Santana love waking up next to Brittany, she loved looking into those blue eyes and watching a small smile play across her lips as she whispered good morning to the Latina, she loved going to sleep together just as much and she absolutely loved ever second of their life in between. She could admit that they had been a little off and a little distant as of late, but they were both extremely busy and Santana didn't think it was something to be concerned about.
She walked into the small apartment and called out for Brittany. "Britt, Im home. I bought dinner so we could eat together before I head to work."
When she didn't get an answer she checked the apartment for her girlfriend. If she said she didn't notice that some of Brittanys things were missing, she would have been lying. She had chose not to notice. As she sat on the couch in the living room, phone in her hand to text Brittany, she noticed a letter with her name on it sitting on the table. Opening it she barely made it through the first few sentences before calling Brittany.
"Hi" The blonde had said, Santana instantly hearing the sadness in her voice.
"What's going on?" Santana replied, even though down in her soul she knew what was happening.
Brittany choked on a sob. "Im so sorry San.."
"No…your not doing this. You cant. You promised." The Latina sobbed out. She couldn't breath, this wasn't happening.
"I I know…please…please don't hate me. I still want you in my life, please Santana." Brittany stuttered.
"You just don't want me anymore right? You know what, I cant do this right now. I gotta go to work, have a nice life Brittany." Santana hung up the phone. She realized that she had on the promise rings that Brittany had given her and took them off before chucking them across the room. She had known this would happen, how could it not? No one ever stayed with Santana. Her parents had died when she was young, and her abuela had turned her away when she learned that Santana was gay. And now? Now she was alone, again.
As the memory came to an end, Santana barely realized that she was at the hotel or that Quinn was talking to her. They were in the elevator headed to their room. As they walked into the suite Quinn ask Santana what she wanted to eat. "I don't care Q. Im gonna shower, Ill be back."
Quinn sighed as she watched the Latina walk away, this was bad, really bad. She could tell that Santana was lost in her own mind, and she also knew that that was a dark place for her to be, she made a mental note to check the singer over when she came out of the bathroom.
Santana shut the door and leaned back against it sighing heavily. Stripping out of her clothes she grabbed her little make up bag and placed it by the shower. Getting in she welcomed the burn of the hot water as it cascaded down her back. It had taken her months to get out of the spiral she had gone into after Brittany had left, and another couple years to get over any triggers, or so she thought.
Santana tried to get a handle on her emotions as tears started to roll down her cheeks. She tried for about twenty minutes, before she just gave up and let herself drown in her emotions. She couldn't breath or even think straight as she continued to travel down the dark mind frame she had gotten into. Without even realizing it, she had grabbed her razor from the make up bag. She just wanted something, anything, to get the pain to go away and for her, the only way to do that was this.
As the blade slid across her skin for the first time, she closed her eyes and enjoyed the momentary physical pain that released her from the chains of her emotional pain. The second time, the self loathing grew because she hated herself for resorting to this once again. She sat there on the floor of the shower, watching as the water washed the blood away, willing her emotions to go with it down the drain.
Resting her arms on her knees she looked at all the scars that riddled her skin, on both her forearms and her thighs. She could tell you where each and everyone came from, she could tell you about the self hate, the sadness, the aloneness and all of the feelings that had lead to them. As she looked at them, her emotions finally settled enough for her to function. She laughed bitterly at the scars, the only constant thing in her life. Most would be surprised that she did this because no one ever really saw the cuts or scars. If they did? She had become a pro at lying about where they came from.
Getting out of the shower when the water turned cold, she stared at herself in the mirror. It was only then did she notice Quinn in the doorway. Santana loved Quinn, especially at times like this, when she knew that the blonde was disappointed in her for not being able to talk to her instead of harming herself, but Quinn just walked over and hugged the Latina tight. "There was too much Q…I..I couldn't...Im sorry.."
"Its ok S…I know…I got you and Im not going anywhere." Quinn had Santana sit on the counter and she quickly bandaged the Latinas thighs. She hugged Santana once more before they moved to the living room, the brunette cuddling into her friends side. As Santana drifted off to sleep, Quinn couldn't help but feel responsible for this. She should have never pushed Santana to go to the reunion. She looked down at the sleeping form of her friend and prayed that their trip to London went smoothly, seeing as Mercedes had texted her saying that she had invited Brittany. It was going to be a long next couples of days.
A/N I know I know, right into the drama right? Anyways, I know that your probably wondering about the phone call lol Well youll just have to wait for that lol I have chapter 3 almost done buuut I want to hear what you guys think of the story so far before I post it…soo that means I need some reviews lol So get to it…Review…please and thank you lol