Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion and related things, including Anno's life and his depression. Also, yes, i still hate Q with all my life.
Allright, Mr. Fourth wall, thank you for working with us again-
Excuse me, sir, but did my son really got eaten by shark?
Nah. He got kidnapped by Bobobo instead, sir. We have dispatched a team to retrieve him safely.
Oh.
Okay, so...let's begin!
Ehm, but first, here's the angel characters list and their personality:
God: Happy-go-lucky Anno. Got annoyed by Eva fans, especially ReiShinji shippers.
Michael: Normal, slightly fiery angel who hates Evangelion for good reasons.
Gabriel: An angel with dual personality, and the writer of events on earth. Responsible for the whole thing inside Dead Sea scrolls and the reason for why Shinji's so wimpy.
Lucifer: An actually good Angel who DEFINITELY responsible for Evangelion's fiasco. Trolled everyone on heaven with his supplements material regarding Evangelion.
"Allright, guys! Now, the new chronicles of human on earth will be played, which will be called Rebuild of Evangelion, i would like to take some ideas-"
Gabriel had an idea.
That mouth to mouth conversation to get ideas regarding the new Evangelion saga was the best way to go.
Bad move, Gabriel. BAAAD MOOVEE.
Soon, the crowd went on riot between ReiShinji and AsukaShinji shippers, as well as OriginalCharacterShinji shipper and other lesser shippers. Crosses were thrown, cross swords were stabbing each others, holy grenades exploded everywhere. Tired of this bullshit, Gabriel decided to shut them down by the most blatant way possible.
"SHUT UP, OR I WILL MAKE MY GODZILLA ATE YOU ALL!"
With that, everybody shutted their mouth, with the exception of some people murmured about the fact that Gabriel, indeed, owned Godzilla as his pet.
"Ehm. I think it would be wiser for us to write your ideas on paper, and send it into my house. Contest will be hold for two weeks. You all dismissed."
"Dammit. Is there anyone out there that have any good ideas outside of ShinjiRei, ShinjiAsuka, ShinjiMisato, ShinjiRitsuko, ShinjiMaya, ShinjiHikari and OCShinji's romances? Hell. Anything not romance related."
"Well, we love fluffy stuffs and romance, Gabriel. Also, we are interested in Shinji's...orientation. I mean..."
"Yeah. Damn Gayworu."
"I know. What's making it even worse is he's the only one who could have a romance with Shinji without making it look...weird."
"Oedipus Complex, borderline Incest, Stockholm Syndrome, Pedophilia...is there any way to make a heterosexual relationships with this wimp without making it wrong in so many levels?"
"There's this Hikari girl."
"Toji needs some, though. I like that guy. Also, i find it somewhat strange to make Shinji dates a girl whom first name is nearly the same as his family name."
"Freak coincidence."
"Damn right."
"Looks like batting for the other team is the best way for him, then."
"I'm not into Yaoi."
"Well, there's a reason for OCShinji's stand in, Gabe."
"Yeah, but...it's a low blow for a writer like me to do it, man! I'd rather do the raunchiest ShinjiXSailorXKaworu than that!"
"Well, you have knowledge in these subjects, Gabe, so..."
Suddenly, something snapped on Gabriel.
"I know. I know what i can do. Don't worry. I can handle it from here. Huehehehehe..."
As soon as the personal messenger of god's laugh went into pure psycho, evil laugh, the other angel went out of his room, claimed something about the other errands from God that he forgotten. Although the way he stiffly walked while wobbled in fright suggested that there's another reason for his abrupt departure. By the time he was gone, Gabriel already went too deep into his own writing.
The filthy bastard side of Gabriel just took over the issues.
Before the arrival of 17th Angel...
"Hmmm...i can make it look cryptic for him, or i will make it as blatant as possible. Hmm...decision... Decision..."
As soon as the coin that Kaji flipped stopped, he knew what he needs to do.
Shinji was not a happy man. For several reasons.
He was already unhappy before. But he wasn't unhappy because of his angsts now.
He was unhappy because he realized that his life shouldn't suck this much like now.
First, he was told that for reasons unknown, Kaji left Shinji and the others into this deep, depressing quest to mind his own business until very recently.
Second, he already experienced this shit for fifty times. Fucking lazy God. Can't he at least make any variations, like made Asuka his long lost twin brother that went into some kind of operations before they met again? It would be convenient with her bitchyness and all. Even the worst of Tsunderes are nowhere near as abusive as her.
Third, he was an Anti-Christ. In all those loops. He became Anti-Christ for fucking fifty times! How many sins did he piled up from all this bullshits?! He could've took over the hell from Satan at this moment!
Fourth, and most annoyingly, this gayass Angel.
Well, he hadn't did anything dangerous to Shinji's manliness, which is the size of a peanut but still an important thing to him, but this guy kept talking about topics that would only made him popular on the gayest club that known to the man.
And the worst of it? He didn't even knew the implications from all his little chats, which, by the way, called those implications as subtext would be insulting to the real subtext, for it would be way too obvious for it's standard. He only wanted to make Shinji happy. Sincerely. No homo. For real.
"So, Shinji-kun, i heard that caressing your prostate would make you fall into euphoria. Want me to do it for you? I know how to make it...enjoyable."
That's it! I'm running away!
"Where are you going?" Said Kaworu, as Shinji went off his bed. He was snuggled against Shinji's will all the time.
"A straight line in the middle of the street. I really need it after all these talking from you."
"Hmm...a straight line. Oh, i get it! You want some chained bikers to picked you up in a road and gave you happiness in the legendary blue oyster bar, right? Those gay, happy people! I love them! Hmm, sorry, Shinji-kun. But the city is already destroyed when Pilot Ayanami self-destructed Unit-00."
Shinji could do nothing but twitched his eyes. And his body. And his legs. He shuddered at the thought of those leather clad bikers...violated him.
Also, he noticed at how outdated Kaworu's understanding of slangs. Who the hell teached this guy manner and living?
Meanwhile, Keel Lorenz sneezed.
"Oh, i know! I know how to make you happy! You want those clips from TabrisXXX? They're very popular, you know."
Shinji then ran away frantically, screamed something about getting some brain bleach while sticked his index fingers into his ears, leaving the bewildered Kaworu for his own business.
"What's wrong? You don't want the clips of me standing in LCL tube naked? They always made people smiling and drolling. But then again, most people who enjoyed those were girls. But some of those SEELE enjoyed those, too. I thought you would be the same like them. I mean, you do looked like your father. Hmm...maybe there's more than meet the eyes..."
The whole crowd either were laughing or twitching at the sheer gayness of the scene. The former thought the fact that Gendo and half of SEELE were closet gay is hilarious. The latter thought it was the most vile thing Gabriel ever wrote. Out of all things that could be improved from the very few scenes between Shinji and Kaworu, Gabriel decided to improve the...queer factors to the max. Indeed, he snapped really bad back then.
"Hmm...Shinji's relationship with Kaworu looks less..affectionate. From Shinji's side, at least." Said God with interest.
"Yeah. I know. I based it on the beta version of those scrolls." Said Gabriel while sniffed his tea. It's good to know that at least he could take some references when his..inner Gabriel took over his body.
"Really? How does things happened in the beta version outside of Kaworu and Shinji's interactions?" Asked Michael.
"Well, for the starter, the symbolism were less abundant, Rei's more emotional to everyone, particularly Shinji, Gendo's more fleshed out and even meaner, Unit-01 is truly alive, and at the end, the infrastructures were still working perfectly as it should be after Third Impact. In short, things were less..mindfuckery, and earth is not screwed. Also, there was an emotional scene when Rei said her farewell to Shinji before she broke the Instrumentality."
The whole Angels in the scene could only stared deeply at Gabriel. Indeed, those changes were more...significant than you think.
"That sounds much better than the final version! Why the hell did you changed it?"
"No, Mike. We disagree. The final version is as perfect as it should be." Said Israfaels in unison.
"Perfect? You said the whole thing was perfect? I can barely make sense of it without some official guides! What kind of perfection is that?"
"A true art is something that you need to seek the true meaning of it by yourself, Michael."
"Fuck your true art, then! And stop mimicking the synchronization crap from that fight against your fake! It's getting on my nerve!"
"ENOUGH!"
The sound of God shouting at the top of his lung...and a bolt snapped Michael's ass. Damn his potty mouth.
"Gabriel...let's take a look at the crowd's favorite blue head."
"How about Asuka first, my lord?"
"She's still comatose, dude. It would be boring for us to watch a comatose girl for 10 hours. And i don't think anyone here is demented enough to strangle their chicken. I mean, we need them for our feast!"
"Oh. You're right."
Gabriel snickered, as he was the only guy there who knew the true meaning of 'strangling your chicken'.
Rei blinked. Then she blinked. And finally, she blinked again.
If you already read the book 'How to read the expression of your personal ice block', then you would know that Ayanami was very surprised.
And she had good reasons to be.
First, she saw Ryoji Kaji, a man who was supposed to already died, standing in front of him, in blood and flesh.
Second, she was chosen as one of his warrior that will help him prevented the Third Impact, which, as we already know, her previous destiny was to initiate it.
Third, she found out that Kaji is a pop culture addicts. And a very annoying one in that.
"You must use the force, Rei. Let your hate to Gendo flow through you."
She blinked again.
"Hmm...there must be some way to initiate the other kind of reaction from you."
Kaji then reached his jean pockets with both his hands, and then, he showed a blue pill in his left hand and a red pill in his right one.
"This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."
Rei still only blinked.
"Hmm..maybe she's broken."
Unfortunately, there was no service centre for ice block or clone nearby Tokyo-3. Kaji may could sent Rei into the Dogma chamber, but risked the chance of Gendo just activated Rei IV and shot him again.
"Hmmm...how to fix your ice block, page 27..."
Suddenly, Rei slapped him.
"Ow! What was that for?"
"I'm not a doll." Said Rei sternly.
"...So?"
"I'm also not an ice block."
Kaji then silenced his mouth, tried to make the sense from Rei's logic. Before he managed to, which by the way, would be a huge achievement, Rei spoke again.
"Ice cream. Strawberry flavored." Said her icyly.
"...What?"
"You want the deal. Is that correct?"
"...What deal?"
"About helping each others to get their relationship back. I need some for Pilot Ikari and me. In return, i will help you to get back on track with Major Katsuragi."
"And, the ice cream?"
"My compensation for listening to your bullshit."
Woah! Did i just heard Rei cursed? Man, i don't know that she had it in her. Hmm...this might be working...
"...Deal."
The crowd were once again splitted. One half laughed at the randomness of the scene. The other half were wondered about what the hell did Gabriel smoked that made him crazy enough to wrote the whole thing.
"Damnit, Gabe. I want some of those that you smoked to wrote these kind of things..."
"Don't ask. Even i barely remember what i was doing..." Gabriel shrugged.
Crickets were invaded the silentness in the room, before God decided to broke it by himself.
"Ehm. Let's see what the original character doing now, shall we?"
"Oh, yeah!"
"That will be appropriate. We need some kind of normalcy here, after all."
"...Oh crap."
"...And i thought you three Archangel were childish..."
Indeed. The whole crowd were mesmerized by what they saw right now. Well, actually, called them as embarassed Angels would be more appropriate, and even that would be an understatement.
They were looking over two guys, who currently fought over the control over which button should they pushed. In front of them, was a cute 15 years old girl in the tube.
No. She's not Rei or Asuka. Rei and Asuka's hair was not colored red brown.
"Sweet Ayanami!"
"No! Perky Ayanami!"
"Sweet Asuka, then!"
"No! Perky Asuka is better!"
Those guys have fought each others for two hours, all to decide which personality Mana Kirishima would have.
"Listen, big peepy head! Sweet Rei is the most suitable personality for Shinji's new girlfriend! He needs some caring figure after all those things that happened to him, and who's better than Rei who acts sweet, who wants to hugging and comforting him all the time?"
"No, you dummkopf doodoo! Perky Rei is the best for him! They need to come out of their shells after all of these bullshit! And who else is the best to initiate it but a very energetic Rei?"
The angels crowd could did nothing but shaked their heads at the pathetic insults from both adults.
"Perky Rei would be too nonsensical for him! At least sweet Asuka or Tsundere B Asuka will be more tolerable for him!"
"Perky Asuka's better, then! It would be much more plausible to have an energetic Asuka instead!"
"Sweet Rei!"
"Perky Rei!"
"Perky Asuka!"
"...Fool. Your Huntin Season mind trick will never work on me."
"Dammit."
Luckily for those angels, a man, overweight and in his fifties stepped into the childish war zone. Before he even managed to spoke, the two man already kneeled over him repeteadly.
"Oh, Lord Gaben! Please forgive our idiocy at such a trivial matter!"
"...LORD GABEN?"
Lucifer could do nothing but scratched his head. Even he wasn't daring enough to call himself Lord. And this fat lurb demanded them to do it?
"...Gabriel?"
"Yes?"
"You're fucked up, you know that?"
"...Why's everybody looking at me?"
As soon as Gabriel explained that, no, he didn't commit treachery by the proxy of Gabe Newell, the crowd once again peacefully watched the whole thing inside the Earth right now.
Of course, the whole thing could've been avoided if they just listened to Gaben saying that they can't call him Lord and God for he is not one, but they were too busy chasing Gabriel to the end of the heaven, demanded his head on the spike.
"...Fucking uptight assholes..."
A bolt struck him, leaving a charred remains of Gabriel before he fully healed 5 minutes later.
"...I still want whatever he smokes." Said one of the angel.
Meanwhile, Lord Gaben just chose the personality for the red brown girl:
Perky Asuka.
"YEEEESSS!"
"Why...Why..."
"Because i'm Gaben, that's why...And if you want to be more technical, Rei's definitely going either way, and there's no way our lovely Tsundere's going to be flirty around him, so...i chose the one that will definitely give him more variety."
"But-"
"Remember, soldier. Our mission is to give Shinji happiness. And he is definitely the one who's uncertain with his own future, including which girl he's going to bang. Also, Half-Life 3 confirmed."
With that comment regarding the long anticipated game that was rumored to be only will be released at the date when God decided to begin the rapture, all doubts surrounded the room, was gone.
"ALL HAIL LORD GABEN! ALL HAIL LORD GABEN!"
At this point, Gabriel already went to his dormitory to save his own ass.
Papaaa!
SONNNN!
I'm scared, Papa! I'm so scared!
It's okay, hush...it's okay...
Meanwhile
GYAAA! Not the End of Evangelion! Not the End of Evangelion!
Sorry, Bobobo. But it's the only way...
NOOOOOOOOOOO! Okay, i'll do it.