Two

('Where Mountain Goats Fear To Tread')

Davin Sunrider, involuntary outlaw, glared at his passenger/captor/terrifying giant-man-capable-of-inflicting-massive-amounts-of-pain-when-angry road trip 'buddy', the Dark Lord Ganondorf. "Are you proud of yourself?"

Behind the wheel of Davin's pickup, the Dark Lord grinned beneath his mirrored sunglasses and State Trooper hat, recently removed from a probably-still-unconscious highway patrolman who had pulled them over when Ganondorf had failed to signal when passing a convertible.

Or at least, that was as close as police procedure came to describing Davin's truck suddenly leaping like an oversized bullfrog over the convertible, while the driver dropped a beer can on the convertible's driver's head mid-jump.

"He was asking too many questions," Ganondorf said, adjusting the stiff-brimmed hat.

"He's a cop!" Davin snapped, glaring at the Dark Lord. "They tend to ask a lot of questions, especially after seeing a weird-ass stunt like the one you pulled!"

"The convertible wasn't going fast enough," said Ganondorf. "And that SUV wouldn't get out of the other lane. What was I supposed to do?"

"Maintain speed and wait for the SUV to finish passing!" Davin exclaimed. "Not magically fling my truck thirty feet in the freaking air right in front of a cop! You didn't think he'd notice a flying car? We're still in the middle of the salt flats! There's nothing else to look at besides cars, especially flying ones!"

"Calm down," Ganondorf chuckled. "This is why I'm driving now; you're too tense."

Davin scoffed. "Okay, A, you're only driving because you threatened me and I'm absolutely terrified of you, and B, I'm tense because you keep doing freaky magical crap like blowing up other cars and beating up policemen!" Davin shouted, on the verge of hysteria. "When we finally get caught, I'm going to go straight to jail because of you. You know what would happen to me in prison?"

Ganondorf seemed about to reply, but Davin went on. "Me, neither! And I don't particularly want to find out!" He shoved his fingers into his hair, which badly needed cutting. "They might not even send me to jail. The government's gonna want to know how you do your magic stuff, so we're probably both going to end up in some lab somewhere, being poked and prodded to death until they dissect-"

Davin glanced up just in time to see a huge Gerudo fist headed straight for his face.

When Davin awoke again, the sun was low in the sky, gleaming off of snow-capped mountains around them. As he slowly returned to consciousness, Davin became aware that the vehicle was doing an awful lot of turning, and that the mountains outside seemed to be awfully close.

"Where are we?" he mumbled sleepily, rubbing his eyes with one hand.

Eyes that were awfully tender, come to think of it; the whole upper part of his face ached. Davin was about to comment on that, until he remembered why, and shut up instead.

"Colorado... I think," came the uncertain reply.

Davin glanced over at the unfortunately-no-longer-fictional Dark Lord in the driver's seat. "You think?"

He raised himself in his seat to look out the window, but the subsequent rush of vertigo pushed him back down. "We... are not on the highway," Davin said, surprised.

"No," Ganondorf growled, muttering to himself in angry-sounding Gerudo as he turned a map over in his hands. "The highway was blocked due to construction. This is a detour."

Davin braced himself with the 'Oh-Crap!' bar above his window as the truck hit a particularly large bump. "Are we even on a road?" he asked incredulously, looking out of the back window at the snow-covered hillside behind them. "Or are you following mountain goats or something?"

"This is the path that was marked!" Ganondorf barked irritably. "I am simply following the route on the map."

"I see an eagle," Davin said, peering out of his window. "Below us."

"Quiet!" Ganondorf snapped, viciously bouncing the truck over another bump in the alleged 'road'.

"Maybe we should ask a Yeti for directions," Davin said, eyes locked on the up-close-and-personal snowy mountains' majesty outside.

"Silence!" Ganondorf snarled. "I know where I'm going!"

"Are we stopping off at Jeremiah Johnson's on the way?" Davin asked snidely.

"Be quiet!" Ganondorf bellowed, smashing his way through a snow-drift with a ferocious gleam in his eye.

"Hey, Your Evilness, it's either this or scream until I pass out," Davin replied, maintaining his death-grip on the 'Oh-Crap!' bar. "Pick one."

Ganondorf lunged at him with one huge fist, but another bump threw off his aim and he missed.

"You've gotta find your way back to the main road, man," Davin said, reaching for the heater controls. "'Cause if we get stuck out here, I sure as hell ain't gonna cuddle you to keep warm. I'd rather freeze to death."

"The feeling is decidedly mutual," the Dark Lord growled, clenching both hands around the wheel again.

"Can't you use your Triforce to make us fly or something?" Davin asked nervously, feet braced against the dashboard as Ganondorf careened them around another hairpin turn.

"What? Fly?" Ganondorf snapped. "The Triforce of Power does not grant flying abilities!"

Davin looked at him sidelong. "Are you sure? It does in my stories."

"Feh!" Ganondorf snorted dismissively. "Just because you write something doesn't make it so."

Davin sighed unhappily. "Don't I know it."

"If you really had magical powers over reality through your writing machine," Ganondorf derisively went on, "you might have actually managed to get yourself a woman by now."

"Hey!" Davin objected, wincing as Ganondorf turned the truck nearly sideways as he forced his way along the mountain road, rattling the pickup down to its axles. "That is-" bump, "-completely uncalled-" bump, "-for!" BOUNCE rattle rattle. "Just because you're the king of-" bump, "-a whole race of hot girls and have-" KA-BOUNCE rattle rattle ominous creak! "-six wives does not mean you get to comment on my love life-" KER-THUNK! "-or lack thereof."

Ganondorf turned on the windshield wipers against the increasingly heavy snow. "Oh, please!" he sneered. "How old are you, twenty-two? When I was twenty-two, I was already on my third wife, and I'd conquered four of the neighboring desert tribes. I had three daughters and a fourth on the way when I was your age! You're honestly telling me you can't find one woman willing to spend time with you?"

"Well, we can't all be- HOLY CRAP WE'RE SLIDING! god-kings of a nation of beautiful- WATCH THE BOULDER! warrior-women, now can we?" Davin replied.

"It's not-" KRA-BONK! "-that hard," Ganondorf said, still going much too fast for the weather and road conditions. "Even that-" SKER-PLUNK! "-idiot Hero manages to get two or three-" DRA-GORNK! "-girls every quest."

"I'm not exactly a-" BORKK! "-muscle-bound, sword-slinging-" GRUNCHK! "-warrior man, now am I?" Davin said irately. He sucked in an apprehensive breath through clenched teeth. "I am so glad I used the bathroom at that gas station. You are-" SKRAKKA-BLOONGNK, SPLURCH! "-freaking insane!"

Davin craned his neck back over his shoulder, staring, horrified, at the path behind them. "Did you just run over a goat?"

"Possibly," Ganondorf said far too calmly, maneuvering the pickup onto a slightly smoother stretch of road. "I am uncertain what it was, exactly."

"You just ran over an innocent mountain goat with my truck, you monster!" Davin exploded, waving his arms as wildly as he could in the confines of the cab. "Why would you do that?"

"It was in the way!" Ganondorf snapped defensively.

Davin glared at him. "Boy, if you had a nickel for every time you'd used that as a justification..."

"Don't make me hit you again, boy!" Ganondorf threatened with a wave of his fist under Davin's nose.

"Oh, threats of violence now, is it?" Davin shouted, bracing himself as Ganondorf whipped the truck through and over a snow-drift in the middle of the road. "That's real original."

"If you don't shut up right now, I'll make you shut up!" Ganondorf snarled, looking over at Davin with murder in his eyes.

"Yeah, why don't you just- LOOK OUT!"

BOUNCE!

SMASH!

roll

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roll

roll

roll

KER-THUNK!

Feet.

Booted feet.

Also, a sword.

A pointy one.

Above that, white pants.

Above that, green.

Around all of that, white. Also gray, but mostly white.

Davin slowly blinked, holding his aching head as he dragged himself from the upside-down pickup truck. Coughing, he rolled over onto the thoroughly disturbed snow at the bottom of the gorge, one hand pressed to his ribs and another to his head.

Above him loomed decidedly unhappy blue eyes, surrounded by an equally unhappy face, which was itself surrounded by somehow unhappy-looking hair.

"Hey..." Davin said weakly, attempting a smile. "We found Link." A pause. "Hello, Link."

"Hello... bonehead."

Author's Note: More silliness. ;)

Since I am, in fact, mostly making this up as I go along to keep it spontaneous and a little random, I decided to postpone the 'costume party' jokes in favor of more road-trip shenanigans. This chapter is inspired in part both by an actual road trip I once took where I ended up taking an epic detour through Colorado due to road construction, and also by one of my uncles, who is cheerfully willing to bash his pickup over anything remotely resembling a 'road' in search of new and interesting wilderness. There's a reason I call it the 'Oh-Crap!' bar. ;)

Davin the Dark Side Comedian will return in: "Three Is A Crowd, Four Is Just Ridiculous", coming soon.