Chapter 2: Bootcamp
Ikumoto decided to join the army, to become the super sand lesbian required to enact her carefully and not-so-thoughtfully-plan-which-come-to-think-of-it-was-hastily-made-in-the-first-place plan. She was soon accepted as a recruit because apparently a 14-year old girl wanting to join the army is not suspicious at all.
"Alright you asshats!" shouted the commander, "I am Commander Captain Sensei-Sama-Senpai-San-Kun, and this next to me is Captain Lieutenant Dr. Pimpdawg McGriddle, your boot camp drill Surgent. If you break the rules, he will pimp slap you so hard his watch will fly off and hit you again. Is that clear?" No one said anything.
Captain Lieutenant Mcgriddle slapped all of us.
"Yes," they murmured grudgingly.
"Good!" he mused. "Many of you came here to become badasses or to kill all the titans-" he looked at Eren, who blushed modestly, "-or to catch them all-" he looked at Ash, who was playing his Gameboy Color by Nintendo, "But none of that shit matters. This is fucking 'Murica! That's why you are in the army. But first, you all need to get ripped!" The Commander Captain ripped off his shirt and showed us all his manly man muscles. "You guys are gonna get physical! Run a thousand laps around the mess hall."
Cries of outrage emerged from the group.
"Shut your whore mouths, all of you!" cooned the Captain Lieutenant, "While Commander Captain Sensei-Sama-Senpai-San-Kun is away, I am in charge." He struck the nearest person to him, and blood exploded from his ovaries as she met a brutal end. "While he is here, do his bidding. Now run!"
"Before you do, strip," C.C.S.S.S.S.K. added, "It causes less air resistance when you sprint. I will even take them off for you."
That was that. Ikumoto took off her sailor outfit, preparing for the long dash when Light Imagay walked up to her.
"Hey," he greeted, " Are you a notebook, cuz you got sexy written all over you. "
"Fuck off," the loli said, "I don't need your fuck boy boner."
Light cried, and waddled away, where he was struck by lightning and died.
The sprint was terrible. It took all day and most of the night, and when Ikumoto was done, she became thirsty. So, she pulled out a Coca-Cola, looked directly into the camera, and stated "Share a coke with, a loli." And on that day, humanity was given a grim reminder of the might of product placement.
Ikumoto didn't sleep that night. The revenge she felt for her Oniichan fueled her rage, so much so she wanted to rip off his pen15, feed it to a pig, shoot the pig, stick it up his anus, and call him her bitch. Her dreams were interupted by a bull horn.
"Rise n' shine, bitches!" shrieked C. .P.M., waving his pistol, "Time for your next training lesson. Be out on the obstacle course in 10 minutes, or no breakfast." He turned to leave, then stopped, "Oh, and those who stay behind, will get raped." Ten poor souls lost their lives that day.
Ikumoto put on her uniform, and joined her commrades at the course. As she gazed into the horizon, dramatically, one thought came to mind. "What the fuck are those!?" In the vague distance, cumming in hot pursuit, were teletubies. All five of them.