Author's Note: Here I am, writing Chapter 2 about 4 hours after I posted Chapter 1 (About 9:30). Anyway, enough stuff about how my life has no meaning, this chapter will be about the first few chapters of Sorcerer's Stone. Philosopher's Stone. Kidney Stone. Whatever.

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Chapter Two: Starting the Stoning.

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Vernon Dursley had a rather good day at Grunnings. He yelled at about five different people, had a sandwich, used the toilet immediately afterwards, yelled at a new guy, ran back to the bathroom, had another sandwich, punched someone in the face, yelled at some lady who did not even work there, stole some person's wallet, laughed at some little boy when his ice cream fell out of his cone and ate another sandwich.

He now left his job because it was his lunch break. Vernon had already paid for and eaten at five stores already. Paid for with the stolen wallet, of course. Vernon was no fool. Just a walrus like naked ape creature. With a mustache. Vernon heard his stomach rumble and went into the first store he saw. It was a dress shop.

He looked around the dress store for the dress that looked the most eatable. He looked at his watch. He still had time to yell at some more people later. He walked up to a dress, when this bald old man with a robe walked up to him. To Vernon, he thought he was Jewish.

The small funny old man was smiling. He hugged Vernon. Which really is not a good idea as he is still hungry. "Even muggles like yourself should be celebrating!" said…..take a wild guess. The man ran off insanely. Vernon was puzzled for a moment, before heading to his car. "Yeah, 'Cthulhu fhtagn', to you too, buddy."

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An old man walked up to Number 4, Little Whinging, Surrey. This old man, however, was a different one than the other old man last story. He was much older. This man had a beard that might have an entire rugby team in it, and no one would notice as they would struggle to get out. The man walked up to a cat. Charming, isn't he?

"Hello, Professor McGonagall," said the man, to the CAT. Then the cat transformed into an old lady. Not anywhere near as old as the man, though. About one hundred years younger. "Hello, Albus." Albus, who was called usually Dumbledore, smiled. McGonagall didn't, though. "Is it true what happened, Albus?" "It is." "And the boy?" "Hagrid's bringing him here." "Are you sure Hagrid could handle such a responsibility?" "I have faith in him."

They both heard a noise, turned, and saw a half-giant on a flying motorcycle fly by. He landed. Duh. Anyway, the large man (he was tied with Vernon in terms of heftiness) got off and he walked up to Dumbledore. "I got 'em in ere." He said.

Dumbledore looked at the man and said "Wrong house." The man looked bashful. "Oh. I was supposed to deliver Charles Fleemer."

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"Albus," said McGonagall "Is it safe to leave Harry with these people? They are the worst sort of Muggles." Albus looked straight at her. He put Harry down on the Dursley's front doorstep. "Not in the least."

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Neither the books nor the movies tell us what happened next. So I'll make it up. I can only assume that it goes a little something like this:

"Petunia!" said Vernon. "There are only 5 bottles of milk for my breakfast! You know I need 7! Can you please go to the store and buy some?" he said pleadingly. Petunia was a very, very, very, very scraw-very, very, very scrawny woman with a large giraffe neck. She was REALLY skinner compared to her husband. Like a tree and a stick. Hmm……wonder how they had a son if……AH MY BRAIN! IT HURTS SO MUCH! WHY ME? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Petunia walked out of the house, and say Harry on the doorstep. "Oh crap." She muttered. Dudley, meanwhile, was having fun today. He shoved food down his diaper, ate a bit, flung it at the wall, pooped in his pants, ate more, pooped, spit up on himself, pooped a third time, vomited over Vernon, punched his food, ripped some of it, bit his bottle, and choked.

Petunia got back in the house, looking nervous. "Hey honey!" said Vernon. "I have some news." Petunia gave a nervous laugh. "Heh, well I have some too, but you can say yours first, dear." Vernon lighted up. "Dudders said his first sentence!" "Wow, really?!?" "Yep." "Well, Vernon, what was it?" "Well, Dudders looked at me and said 'Go to hell you awful pig man!'"

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Harry Potter spent the next few years of his life in that horrible place. He hated it, obviously. Harry remembers being once bitten by a spider when about 5, and went up to Vernon to tell him about the bump on his finger. His answer? "Compensating for something, Harry?"

Anyway, Harry was sleeping in the fetal position tonight, as he has no room in there otherwise. Petunia walked up to the door of the cabinet under the stairs, and politely said "WAKE THE HELL UP SLAVE!" Harry jumped up, and hit his head. Petunia left, when Dudley came, and jumped on the stairs. Harry could not tell, he usually felt the same weight every day.

Harry left the room, only for Dudley to push him back in. Kind of a waste to wake him up in the first place, isn't it not? Anyway, the jolly good fellow Harry got out of the cupboard to make 10 pancakes. After finishing Vernon's breakfast appetizer, he makes 30 more. He then make Petunia's and Dudley's pancakes.

Harry put the food on the table, and set out to make his, before Vernon said "Massage my feet, binky boy." Harry, truthfully, had to face this crap every day. Because, you know, it's legal. Harry walked up to the dishes, and made some pancakes for himself, wishing death would approach faster.

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End Note: This took a while. This took like two hours. Well, considering I ate, had to leave my laptop for 30 minutes for a microscope and to play some Smash Bros, I see why. Please Review. Or Subscribe. Or both.