NOTES:
What can I say, I like my Reylo a bit corny and cliche.
It turned out the three-chapter format will suit this story better - the first chapter mostly from Rey's POV, the second one from Kylo's POV and the third one kinda mixed and (finally) including some proper smut.
Thank you a lot for your feedback left under the previous chapter; you have no idea how much it means to me that you enjoy the story :)
Out of all pleasurable ways to blow off steam, Kylo Ren has always had a particular preference for one.
There was no more preeminent experience, than the feeling of holding something solid in his hand, that particular tension of muscles when he was pushing his limits more and more until sweat was flooding his vision, leaving him sore and breathless at the end.
He knew nothing better in the whole galaxy, than a proper lightsaber training.
Rigorous physical practice has always been a part of his daily routine; being able to afford the best training droids the credits could buy, he used to spend hundreds of hours on exercises and meditation behind the closed doors of his private sanctum. The main reason for this was quite prosaic - until recently, it was the only place where he never had to wear any masks.
The lightsaber sliced effortlessly through metal. The decapitated droid fell onto the floor like a puppet with strings cut loose, its burnt-out circuits giving off fumes after a long fight. At least there was one thing Hux was right about - an upgraded version of ASP-22 was indeed a top-notch training droid, worth every money and impressively durable, too.
Kylo kneeled down on the floor and closed his eyes, feeling the burning threads of the Force slowly extinguishing in his veins after the fight.
He thought of Rey.
They haven't really talked since their last fall out a couple of weeks before, both being too determined not to show weakness by making the first step to mend their fences, despite the effort it took to constantly block the bond.
'Stubborn like an old nerf' his mother used to call him when he was young and indeed he was, always pushing to have the final word, even if completely missing the boat on something.
Mother.
Kylo would swear he could almost feel Leia's petite hand tousling his hair like she used to do so often. As absent and unavailable as she was, she always cared deeply for her son, for Ben. Until the very end. He pushed the images away, the memories of his mother still causing him too much pain, magnified by the void he could feel in the Force where her signature has always been, like a hole ripped in a tapestry.
It was a burden that demanded sharing and the Force knew how much he wanted to do so.
Ren often found himself full of conflicting feelings, but the determination habitually prevailed. He would put his foot down on this now, even though the scavenger's absence irked him greatly.
Kylo missed her, despite the undoubtedly unnerving effect Rey usually had on him. He's never really had her to begin with, but there was no other word to describe the weird state of emptiness and longing he has been experiencing between their joinings, even more intensely since Rey left him unconscious on the Supremacy, choosing the Resistance and its dogma and low odds over their future together.
She was sometimes present in his dreams, but the figure Kylo encountered there was just a pale imitation of the real thing. It lacked her spirit, unpredictability, an odd beauty, most prominent when she was fighting. Strong, fierce and, most of all, untamed, with her sleek hair a mess, dark streaks glued to her face like tiny serpents, veins popping out on the forehead and an obscene grimace of something that could have only been rage, creeping up on her reddened face once in a while, just before the strike. That day in the throne room, Snoke told Rey that she had a spirit of a true Jedi.
Well, if Kylo was to be the judge of that, he wouldn't agree in the slightest.
But again, his former master was wrong about many things. Ren smirked slightly. He still hasn't got used to that strange feeling of being in charge, freedom of making his own choices, no voice whispering in his ear. It was refreshing, to say the least. A sensation to savour.
Kylo knew it somewhere deep inside that the next time the force link pops up unexpectedly or Rey pushes through, it was bound to happen in a moment least fitting; he was straight out of the fresher, naked as a jaybird in front of a mirror, busy examining a quite unpleasant state of his body after multiple punches from the training droid, when he felt a familiar poke. For a brief moment he was tempted to resist the connection, but it's been so long since he felt the open door on Rey's side... If she finally wanted to apologize, it could be now or never. He quickly wrapped a towel around his waist and let her in. Rey materialized behind him in a heartbeat, just a few steps away. Her lean frame was covered by fitting woolen pants and a wrapped top, she had her boots on; wherever she was now, unlike him, it seemed like she had no plan to go to sleep any time soon.
'Oh, kriff. I clearly chose the wrong time,' Rey mumbled, averting his eyes, as if she was more concerned with the pattern embroidered on his bedsheet. 'Do you need a moment?'
Well, it's not like he purposely wanted to flash her or show up half-naked. At least, not this particular time.
He nodded.
'I will turn around then.'
Kylo reached out for his trousers and took the towel off. Rey stood back turned like a wax statue, not a single muscle moving in her body. Putting his pants on, he couldn't help but feel slight arousal at the thought of being naked in her presence. Whatever kind of relationship remained between them, the attraction had always been indisputable, even if it was uncomfortable at times.
When he was ready, Kylo went past her and sat down. Rey hadn't moved an inch from where she appeared.
'If any kind of witty remark is already taking shape in your head, you'd better hold your horses,' she started, shifting her feet. 'I wanted to apologize. For the last time. I shouldn't have lashed out at you like that, I'm sorry.'
'I knew the good, little Jedi inside would eventually get the better of you,' he sneered to conceal the relief her words caused. It caught Ren by surprise that she didn't bicker.
The girl let out a small sigh and took a few steps to join him on the bed. She fidgeted a little, testing the mattress. Being the Supreme Leader of the First Order certainly had its perks, it must have been a far cry from her damp cot. Rey looked at him from up close; only then did he realize that something was off. She looked waifish; her bare arms were toned as never before, but the cheeks got a lot more hollow. Her once radiant skin had turned sallow, as if she hadn't seen sunlight for a long time. Kylo remembered what her hands were like when joined with his - strong and a bit calloused, but neat and pleasant to the touch, now neglected, with a layer of grease stuck under short nails.
'I'm just so tired of it all, Ben,' she said, face covered in her hands. 'Tired of this war, of losing people, of constantly being on the move, of being angry at the whole world, at myself, at you.'
Kylo remained silent. He's always been a much better listener, than talker. And it wasn't like anything he'd say would prove a real help. So instead, he focused all his attention on her, like that night in the hut and just let her flow.
'I thought that after the cave on Ahch-To, I will never feel more alone. I was wrong.'
Rey wasn't looking at him, but he could see her lips trembling slightly and tears gathering in her eyes, only to force their way down her cheeks a moment later.
'I am constantly surrounded by people. Believe me, I would love to have more moments just on my own. Rey please do this, Rey could you lift that, Rey would you weigh in on this,' she said, waving her hands around. 'Like, sometimes I can barely find some time to pee in peace,' corners of her mouth twitched a little. 'People look up to me, seeking aid and guidance and I know I cannot fail them, but the whole weight of it falls onto my shoulders like an avalanche, it suffocates me. Finn is doing his best, but he is away most of the time, one mission after another and in these rare moments he's with us, he spends most of the time with Rose and I don't really blame him...'
Kylo had no idea who the Rose girl was, but apparently his convert stormtrooper managed to find himself a girlfriend. The women's taste in men could be all kinds of surprising.
'And Poe is-' Rey paused, suddenly aware that disclosing the rather sorry state of the Resistance's leadership core to the First Order's leader, no matter how special their relationship was, wouldn't be the most sensible thing to do, 'well, he is extremely busy too. It's like I'm standing in the middle of the crowd, yelling and no one can hear me,' she sniffled and continued, 'I feel lonely and it's worse than ever, because I know what it's like not to be, because we once stood side-by-side and I can't forget that, no matter how hard I try.'
'Having second thoughts?'
'No. You know it was the only possible choice.'
Maybe he knew indeed, but it didn't make it any less disappointing.
He didn't want them to argue though. Not again. To his utmost surprise, for the first time in a long time, he felt no usual push. It was bizarre to the point of being almost unreal. That serenity.
'I feel-' Rey bit down on her knuckle, 'unbalanced. Hours pass, one after another and I still lie awake, staring at the ceiling, desperate to sleep. I get angry, but I'm too drained to scream. So I just clench my fists and keep tossing from one side to the other and I dream of being somewhere else, anywhere else, maybe in my cramped, dusty cubbyhole on Jakku...' her voice echoed off the walls of his room, 'with you. Even though both you and this bond drive me crazy at the same time.'
The bluntness of Rey's abrupt confession caught him off guard entirely.
'You look funny when you gape,' the scavenger remarked casually, eyeing him. 'It's stupid, I know. But nothing I do makes any sense,' she exhaled, shaking her head. All he managed to articulate, was a muttered: 'No.'
His reply could have referred to either statements, but it didn't really matter. He knew what he had to do.
'Come here,' he extended his arm invitingly. He noticed Rey hesitating for a split second, but she slowly moved closer, letting him gently encircle her shoulders.
'Good. Now, lie down with me.'
She obeyed, still remaining stiff in his embrace. Kylo wondered if this was the first time she has ever been that intimate with anyone.
'I've got you. You're not alone,' he crooned. His arms had wrapped around her, his warm, large hands covered hers. The girl didn't say a word, but Ren could sense the tension gradually dropping, as her body started to relax and melt into his, filling all the gaps until there was no space left between them. It took every reserve of restraint not to focus on the involuntary sensation caused by her arse pressing tightly into his groin. A boner was the last thing she needed right now.
'Whatever happens, I'm always here. If you want me to,' he whispered into her ear, the proximity of his voice sending light shivers down her spine.
Rey closed her eyes and let herself be lulled by Ben's warmth and steady rhythm of his breath that she could feel on the nape of her neck. Should she feel remorse? Probably. But she couldn't even find proper words to describe how safe and delightful it felt in the arms of the enemy.
The world seemed to have shrunk, as if everything else outside the room was suddenly meaningless, everything but their bodies squeezed together, waves of the Force throbbing under their skin in harmony.
There was no the Supreme Leader and no the last Jedi. No war. Only Ben and Rey, seeking comfort in one another. And finding it.
'Ben,' he heard her mumbling quietly, her mind already half-conscious, suspended between the dream and reality, 'do porgs dream of electric sheep?'
On the brink of sleep, Rey heard a low, distant chuckle and then, for the first time in what felt like ages, she sank down completely into a peaceful slumber.