The Waldorfian Conundrum

Chapter Two-

September 2012

September 1, 2012

His image burns heavily in my thoughts. No opportunity arose for us to meet again as the White Party had turned into the dud of the century. Scandal of fraud and affairs underneath the hostess nose caused that party to be cancelled. Through word of mouth I had learned that Serena had left and headed back. Where she was headed towards was unsure to me because if it was New York than surely they would've said so. Lilly won't say much as it appears the topic of Serena is one that she chooses to avoid all together. I make minimal attempts to find out where Humphrey may have disappeared to, but some say he stayed local. Since when does Humphrey like the Hamptons? I ask myself as I recall all the stories of Serena having to drag him to the Hampton's either intentionally or through his own sixth sense that her world might be off kilter, but still and even now, Serena is the only reason why Dan Humphrey comes to the Hampton's.

I don't have time to access the drama that is sure to come as my hands become tied up at work. I feel even more overwhelmed with my best employee switching over to our rival company due to the fact that I have no leadership qualities. I want to scheme and get my revenge, but what would I be getting my revenge on. I can't even get back at someone that apparently can see through this cloak of pretending. Mother asks if I want to step down or take a lesser position, which I was prepared to give a no to, but she's all ready beat me to the punch by adding a co-adviser. Surely that was the kick in the butt I needed, knowing that my own mother doesn't think I'm capable of running her company. Again, note the sarcasm. I just want to escape. I want to get away from all things.

In a matter of hours, I find myself in Nantucket. Odd, but Dorota suggested it. Daddy has the house still, and I always did love the movie collection I had acquired over my many lonesome nights of having to stay behind while my mother hosted dinner parties. The driver assists me with my bags and I quickly get adjusted to the set up that Daddy has waiting for me.

Grabbing my favorite book that I've put off long enough, I head down to the local café. I remember the café as it was my favorite place that Daddy used to take me to. The owner is still the same and still remembers me, which is comforting because I can use someone that knew me back then as opposed to the person I've become now. Getting my cup, I sit off in the corner and make quick work of reading the first two chapters. A good book does seem to have that effect on me. I get lost in the pages as the story seems to speak to me. A girl who's dreams get dashed one by one, she's on a journey to find something that she's always wanted, to be happy. How she goes about is crazy, but it's the journey of life that I like to believe she'll look back on and appreciate the final place she decides to stand. I want her to get her happiness. I need for her to.

It's well into the night, when I begin to realize that the happy ending I searched for with this character never came. I want nothing more than to leave. I need to keep moving. Getting up from my seat, I see him walk in.

My eyes must be playing tricks on me. Why is he here of all places? I ask myself as I study his movement. Pulling his lap top out, I begin to realize that it's his usual working habit that has led him to this café. Glancing over in my direction, I wish I could say that he could get past that I was near, but that'd be a lie. Tucking his lap top away in his bag, Humphrey moves quicker than I've ever seen him as he leaves. I let him flee, but then I remember that I need to ask him something. I chase after him, hoping that he'll come to a stop.

"Humphrey, you owe me that much!" I yell before he turns around suddenly to my surprise as he seems even more upset than what he previously was

"Excuse me?" Dan questions as I work up the nerve to continue talking while I observe the fact that his hair is short and he seems more toned than what he originally was when I saw him last.

"We haven't talked in three months. You ignore my phone calls, my e-mails….you owe me" I tell him as I slowly grow confident in what I'm saying

"No, I don't owe you anything" Dan laughs in disbelief before he turns to leave but I manage to grab on to his arm to prevent him from going too far.

"You can't keep ignoring me. I know that I deserve it, but you can't keep doing this-I won't let you" I tell him as tears well up in my eyes "So whatever it is, let's just talk it out. Talk about it, and we can move on" I say as my plan seems better in my head than in reality

"Do you hear yourself? I mean do you literally hear what you're telling me? We're not going to just talk this through, this isn't that type of situation. You left me. I asked you for the truth, and you didn't have the decency to tell me to my face! So I don't owe you anything" Dan replied as moments of silence come between us "We can't talk this through because at this point…I don't ever want to talk to you" he says giving the final blow before he eventually walks off to leave me standing there.

I watch him leave. That becomes the theme of my life thus far. Watching him leave. In every bit, breathing becomes hard to do. Wiping away the single tear that comes. I see that the conversation that I thought we'd have has gone horribly wrong.

September 7, 2012

Waking up, I see that I'm surrounded with roses. Slowly sitting up in the bed, I begin to wonder why the hell Dorota put this much roses in my room but then it dawns on me that Dorota is not that stealthy. Looking at Chuck at the foot of the bed with a single rose in hand, I don't know whether to be happy or laugh because this all looks incredibly cheesy. Chuck gives me the right words, but they lack a certain sincerity that I need in order to really believe them. Still the gesture is nice. He eventually lowers the boom on me when he says that he's going off to Bolivia for two weeks with Jack. Apparently Jack needs consoling, and I begin to wonder what doesn't Jack need. Chuck can't seem to see what's going on within our own relationship that's not quite a relationship, and for the first time, I don't care to explain it to him. I simply take his visit as a required task that needs to be completed to move on to the next.

It's when we sit around the table at some five star restaurant that I don't care to know the name of because he usually just picks the restaurants with menu prices that look like you can buy a house with it, I begin to hear the final confirmation that there is a tell all book about to be released. A part of me begins to panic because I hate being hit with something so unexpected with what I first perceived as minimal impact. I tell Chuck that I'm aware of the rumor of the book, which is enough to upset him. He goes on this rant about this being exactly what his father scolded him about. How he is not on top of his game to run a company. It all became blended words after that to where I found myself tuning out. It was yet another argument with the common theme being about Chuck. I ultimately tell Chuck that I have my own problems to worry about as well because if this book comes after my family, then me running the company will be shot to hell.

I put Penelope on the case to figure out what, when, how, where, and who is in this so called tell all book. Progress is slow at first, which seems to be trademark, but I expect nothing but top notch information from her. Chuck informs me that he's going to have his people look into as well, which makes it seem like it's a race to find out who's people can uncover the truth quick enough. I want to believe that it's all harmless, but I know him well enough to know that it's just a game. It's always a game.

By the time I leave my rollercoaster of a brunch, I hear no word back from Penelope. It's starting to make me concerned, and only one thing can solve this. Retail therapy can solve this. Lots of retail therapy. I tell Dorota to meet me on Madison Avenue so I can hit up every shop possible for Winter wear and maybe even Spring, if I'm that desperate.

Coming out of Marc Jacobs, Dorota struggles with the ten to twenty bags worth of clothing. I'm in a serious rut as everything just seems to be pouring heavily on me. I have half the mind to call Humphrey as I go through my e-mails from work, but then I realize that he never wants to talk to me. His exact words that seem to echo in my head. Just as I turn the corner, I seem to bump into the one person that Humphrey will always be attached to.

The conversation is extremely awkward, but gut wrenching at the same time. I know that's hard to explain, but that's just how it feels. Serena tells me that she went away to rehab for a bit because she went on a little bender. I find myself a bit concerned, but I can't let her see it. She tells me that she's gotten a job at a rec center, and actually likes working with the teenage girls that she comes across. Who would have ever thought that Serena would be one to embrace the kids, girls no less. I tell her that I'm happy for her, but things will remain the same for us. I can't allow her back in my life because I'm not ready to. Serena wonders if this is about Humphrey, but I tell her that it's not about Humphrey this time, it's just about us. I can't say that we're friends or we ever were, because while we were friends, I became best friends with someone else. We both question how that's possible, but we ultimately see that our friendship hasn't been what we thought it was, it was worse than ever.

My conversation with Serena continues to linger with me, but not as much as it first did. It's a natural progression. Getting out of the bed, I grab my lap top and struggle to go over the quarterly numbers. I'm supposed to meet my co-advisor and I have to say, I think I'm about get plowed at this meeting tomorrow because I can't grasp any concept of what we're trying to do. Just as I get lost in my pity fest, my cell phone goes off. Grabbing the phone, I see that it's Penelope. I nearly break a leg trying to step away from my computer.

Penelope wastes no time in relaying that the book is going to come out next week. "Outsider" is the name of the book and I begin to think that it's someone trying to copycat off of Humphrey. Penelope tells me that it hit's the core of the group, and automatically I begin to go in to defense mode. It goes after Nate, Chuck, Serena, Jenny, Lilly, and me. Hearing the list of people, I then realize that of that group seems to be missing one member that was once vital at a time. It is in that moment that I begin to let it register. That Williamsburg Weasel wrote a freakin' tell all book.

At this point, I have no time to play into my emotions. I have declared war on Daniel Humphrey.

September 15, 2012

The media has begun to go crazy over "Outsider", everyone seems to have a copy of this book. I swear that from my window, I can see people reading the book as they walk by. I can't take this anymore. My minions have done little to get me damning information of Humphrey so I can stop this book. I need to stop this book. I've forbidden Dorota to read the book because if she does then she'll have that look like 'I know something that you might want to know because you'll get upset' on her face. The more I see this book, the more I get furious with Humphrey for writing this.

It takes all but two hours later for Chuck to call me, and he doesn't seem as livid like I thought, neither does Nate. What part of a tell all do these guys not understand? I ask myself as I talk with Chuck. He informs me that nothing Humphrey says has any weight against him because it's something he's always known, he'll simply double his therapy sessions and move on to his next project that is himself. Who says that? I question as a part of me wants to scream. Humphrey shouldn't be using us as his lab rats, we're actual humans and we don't want our lives spilled in print. I feel tempted to order a book, but I can't allow myself to give in to my enemy. No, I urge the minions to find me something on Humphrey or else I start revealing some of their secrets.

I feel the looks as I enter the board room. I mean I'm literally sitting there in the board room, and a part of me begins to shrink in my seat. Everyone talks with these big words that are made to intimidate me, and for the most part, they do. I understand these words, but around them, I shrink. I become this little girl that fears the adults because they're so tall and towering over me. Leanne, my co-advisor, she seems to win them over as she's a no prisoners kind of woman. She's smart, she's got a kid, and she's a shark. She's everything that they want, and they immediately accept her. Dispersing from the boardroom, I sit alone as just have this realization that I single handedly may have lost my mother's company to Leanne.

Going on yet another round of retail therapy, Dorota struggles with the now thirty bags I have. I'm buying anything that I think will look good because I don't want to be picky anymore. Storming down the sidewalks with my clutch hanging from my arm, I begin to drift off into some zone that enables me to just focus on shopping and only shopping. I'm venting, and pouting like crazy. I want a vente latte as I see no end in sight. I'm almost sure that my wardrobe will be impeccable by the time I'm done. Before I can even manage to go into Chanel, I get the text that I've been waiting for along with a Gossip Girl update. By passing Penelope's news, I go straight to Gossip Girl to see the damning evidence against Humphrey, but the sad part is…it's effecting me.

I try to pretend like I didn't see it, but I did. I try to act like it's nothing I haven't gone through before, but I have. I try to go through my normal bedtime routine, but I can't. I grab my coat and make a swift exit from the penthouse. The same driver from a couple of weeks ago picks me up, and he instinctively knows where to take me to because we've been going there almost every other night.

Pulling up in front of the building, I'm running on fumes so no thought process is needed for me to just hop out of the car. Storming up the stairs, I can hear the clicking of my Jimmy Choos as I reach the top step and begin banging on the door. I didn't even bother to check if the light was on, I just figured that it was all suppose to lead to this point. Opening the door, Humphrey doesn't look surprised or even guilt ridden like I expected him to be. I don't know why I expect much from anyone, they clearly disappoint me.

"You want to hurt me, job well done" I tell him as my eyes water while all he can do is just stand in the door way unsure of how he should even act with me "I was in war with you. I went to great lengths to try to find something, something that would stop this book. I never thought I'd find this of all things" I say

"We weren't together" Dan simply tells me "I did something horrible to us, by sleeping with Serena, but we weren't together because minutes before I even thought of touching Serena, I was thinking about you" he tells me "I was thinking that we could be something, and we could get away from New York to try to be something…anything, everything we ever wanted. But in that moment, you were declaring your love to Chuck Bass. So yeah, I messed up and am an ass for what I did, but at the end of the day, I'm not that guy and I don't want to be that guy" he says

"I'd like to believe that, but there's a video. You made a damn video of it!" I told him as I held my phone up "I mean you can't say you don't want to be that guy because a guy that doesn't want to hurt me wouldn't have recorded it" I tell him "I mean you picked Serena of all people, in that place…God! You got played Humphrey. How can you not see that?" I say becoming frustrated by the minute

"By who?" Dan instantly questions "I mean Serena did what she did, but she still loved me. You….what was your game? That's the part I have trouble understanding" he replies

"Oh, don't put this on me. You have no right to be mad at me. You screwing my best friend takes you out of the high and mighty pedestal" I tell him

"Okay, this is pointless. I'm sorry, that's what you came to hear, so there it is. I'm sorry that I slept with Serena and it just happened to get recorded. I'm sorry Blair Waldorf or is it Blair Bass now?" Dan asks I just stand, clenching my fists tight as the moment grew more intense by the minute "Go home" he tells me once more as this time it finally sticks. Closing the door on me, I stand this time on the opposite side.

September 20, 2012

You ever have that moment in life, where everything seems to be crashing down around you and there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it? It's like you know you can't breath or find the right path to save your life, but you keep walking in hope that someone will see that your lost. You keep telling yourself that you're strong, that you're beautiful, that you're independent, that you're the next Oprah if you want to go to that extreme. You ever have that day or moment on a Monday? I know it's strange but imagine what it feels like at a Thursday.

What I thought was supposed to be a meeting with my mother on strategy and tutoring me, it in turns to me being demoted. I get that's not the worst that can happen to me, but I got the first punch on Monday, the uppercut on Tuesday, the punch to the chest on Wednesday, then the blow to the face on Thursday. I'm dreading Friday because at this point, I'm knocked out and I can't for the life of me figure out how to get up. I'm demoted.

I understand my mother's concern because I too am concerned, but she's my mother. Holding my hand as if he's trying to be knight, Chuck sits there beside me and I instantly feel like it's all one big joke. I'm the joke at this table, and I want to laugh but I can't stop from wanting to cry. My eyes are burning so badly and all I can manage to do is sit there and nod. Agree with the move because it's best for the company, but of course they soften the blow by saying that I will get another chance soon.

I feel like I can't breath and the closer I am to him, I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like his love is tearing me down piece by piece because it's like the girl he knows I am is returning back to true form. Holding his hand, I look on at the faces that we pass on our way out, and I feel like they're not looking at me. They're not looking at someone who deserves to walk side by side with The Chuck Bass. They're not seeing me because if they were then they'd be calling an emergency room to get me immediate help because I'm drowning.

He kisses me, and it feels as cold as ever. Are these the lips that will kiss me in time of uncertainty? I question because nothing about his presence is calming me from this ensuing panic attack. Getting out the car, I walk gracefully towards the entrance where I'm greeted by the staff. Wearing my smile and my pearls that's he's given to me for the sake of this meeting. I immediately enter the elevator. Wait for the doors close. Rip the pearls from my neck. Cry uncontrollably as I fall to my knees. These walls don't seem as far away because they close in on me. Looking up, I see I've reached the penthouse floor. Once again, I rise to my feet. Put my smile back on. Come up with a brilliant excuse as to why pearls are everywhere.

I demand to be left alone. I don't want anyone in my room because tonight….I just want to cry. Closing the curtains. I sit in my bed with my feet to my chest as I just sob. My pajamas are soaking because the tears come down like a flood. I'm almost tempted to put some emo song on so I could drown out the sounds of my tears.

You ever cry so much that it rips away every ounce of energy? You ever cry to where you've reached the maximum level of tears? I can't begin to blame or come up with a scheme because I realize the only person I'd be scheming against is myself. I'm not that girl. I've never been that girl, and tonight is a painful reminder of that.

Sitting at my desk, I pull out his book and set it on my desk. I must've stared at the cover a million times. I bought in good faith that maybe I was just hyping up what he might've said, in hopes that he still saw me the same way as he did once before. I bought this book to support him, but I bought it selfishly to get knowledge on what he says about me. I stare at this covers for an hour every night to realize I don't want to know what he thinks of me. I don't want to know anymore .

Tonight. I care. I need to care for the first time. Humphrey may be malicious with truth, but they're truth and not just meaningless words that are written to hurt. However it may turn out, I need something on this path. I need that green light to be this girl or that warning sign to pull over for directions.

Page by page. Word for word. Paragraph after paragraph. I read his ever thought of what he thinks of each and everyone of us. I re-read Chapter four. That's my chapter. That's what he see's of me.

"She's a girl that can make you hate her tenacity and bitchy spirit for all things scandal. Then she's a girl that can make you love her vulnerability and ability to make you want that happy ending for her. I just don't know what girl she is or who I root for in her movie that is her life. She wants love, but can't identify it if it would hit her in the face. She loves out of obligation because she's afraid that she might actually be alone in this life. She wants respect, but doesn't even respect herself enough to demand it from the very person thats supposed to love her with every breath he has in him. She creates the fantasy of this grand romance, but fails to realize that love is the fantasy that most people don't get to obtain in life, but yet she keeps going for her nightmare. I begin to think she likes her nightmare because again, she thinks she deserves that. She's a diamond to some, but gets treated like she's a cubic zirconia. How do you fight for someone, that doesn't even fight for themselves? How do you root for the character that brings on the hell because of her own actions? How do you view the prince as a villain, when she's the one that tainted his will to love her to life and out of her own darkness? How do you believe the words she says, when in the end she turns them in to lies? How do you tell her he's wrong for her, when she knows it herself and still goes to him? How do you wish for her to find love, when clearly she needs to find self love if anything? How do you not look at her decision as anything but a tragedy? The fairytales failed her because they never showed the real reason why Cinderella and Snow White got their happily ever after, it's because they waited for Prince Charming to save them. In reality, there isn't always a Prince Charming, and so sooner or later she'll have to save herself. Love isn't measured by how many tears you shed over that person. Love isn't always about you two against the world. Love isn't about pain. Love isn't about sexual gratification. Love isn't about words. Love isn't supposed to devastate you. Love isn't about feeling weak. Love isn't about understanding someone's darkness. Love isn't a game for sport with high risk involved. Love isn't about scorching everything and anything in your path to be together. She can have everything and then some, but first, she needs to get out of her own way" -

"Outsider" Daniel Humphrey. Chapter Four

I re-read it again. I get angry. I get mad. I get sad. I cry. I plot and scheme for my retaliation. I go through every emotion there is to go through, and still I begin to realize that I'm my own problem.

September 29, 2012

I grant him his wish. I give him the space he's wanted since he came back in to town. I was tempted to call him and use every curse word I could think of, but no good would come of that. I don't let on to Chuck that I feel weak, because then I'd only let my wounds show to his predator like tactics. No, I fake being okay because…I don't even know why anymore. Chuck's getting closer to getting the information he needs on Bart as it appears he's had some dealings with the Columbians. The more I hear about Bart, the more I swear like the Bass family lives for the action movie plots, without any real action but the ability to brood on command.

Attending the Harper's Gala is one of the most prestigious things to be invited to, of course I didn't receive my invitation but I go as Chuck's plus one. I have to admit that it only felt like the knife was being turned even more as it's a constant reminder that I stand behind Chuck, literally and figuratively. He attempts to make me feel better by mentioning that no one knows about the demotion. I should feel glad that no one knows except the board and Leann, but even that leaves me at a high risk to be discovered as a puppet CEO as I've come to be called around the office.

I spot Serena sitting with Lilly, which is surprising because Lilly would say little to nothing about her daughter in the Hamptons, so I'm surprised she's welcomed her at one of the most prestigious events on the social calendar. Serena and I make eye contact, but it's enough to get the point across that we won't be talking. It pains me because I feel like with each betrayal we do to each other, the chance of saving the friendship we once upon a time had is being diminished with each day that passes.

Getting up to go to the bathroom, I have to say that I'm happy to have a break from all the speakers. Coming out of the stall, I begin to powder my face as I want to keep up some appearances for the company. Primping my hair to my liking. Fixing my lipstick. Checking my teeth for anything in between. I don't even realize that Nelly Yuki is standing beside me.

Once my minion, I have to say that I'm impressed with how well she cleans up. Apparently she's gone on to marry into a fortune five hundred, but has established her own fortune five hundred with her research in medical miracles. She's every bit of the genius I remember her as, but I'd never tell her that because of the simple fact that it's a given, so what good is it with me saying it. We make small talk, where I pride myself on being somewhat superior in the fashion sense, which has always been my strong suit in what set us apart in high school. I hate to take it back to high school.

I try to end our conversation because I'm sure Chuck is growing more annoyed that I'm in the restroom instead of at the table for the social event of the year. He's mapped it out in his head that this is the event that will solidify me outside of my mother's company, but I fail to realize how I will be solidified with me being on his arm and walking a step behind him. I make my final plea to end the conversation, and I'm almost out the door before Nelly Yuki sends her apologies. I freeze in that moment because I can honestly say in that first few seconds, I know nothing as to what she refers to, and that I realize is the biggest problem of all.

"I'm sorry about your baby" Nelly says as I just look at her "I just…I just wanted to say that because that just seemed to stick with me. We may have had been whatever in high school, but I prayed for you" she goes on to tell me as I just feel like my body goes lifeless as this is the first time I've had to go back to remember that I did in fact lose a child.

"Thank you" I smile weakly as we share awkward smiles before she eventually leaves me alone in the restroom.

I stood there. Lifeless than ever before as it takes someone saying their apologies for me to realize that I was once a mother. I look towards the mirror and I wish I could say that I saw myself looking back, but I don't see that. I see nothing.

Immediately rushing out of the Gala, I can hear the whispers begin to stir as I make no effort to be discreet about my need to leave. Rushing out with my hand out to hail a taxi, I half expect him to be sitting in the same get away car, ready to whisk me away to safety, but like he said, there's no Prince Charming in my reality. My breathing becomes heavy, as I begin to have a panic attack all over again. Fanning myself feverishly as I pace the sidewalk of the side alley way, Chuck immediately bursts out. He looks at me as if I've lost my damn mind, but I just can't stop the emotions that come over me. Crying. Damn near sobbing like I did once before.

"Blair, what the hell was that?" Chuck questions

"I lost the baby. I lost my baby" I cried

"What are you talking about?" Chuck asks and I can honestly say that that made it even worse was that he didn't even realize it.

"The accident. I lost my baby, and I don't even think I really realized until now" I told him through the tears

"So you go to the restroom and realize you lost a child? Are you feeling okay?" Chuck asks "I mean is there something else going on that I should know about?" he asks as if I'm speaking in code

"I was a mother Chuck!" I say in hopes that he would stop looking at me like I was a damn freak "I never grieved or mourned. I just kept moving like it was nothing. I don't even think I had a name picked out, I mean Louis did, but I never once cared to pick a name" I cry hysterically

"Okay, we should take you to a doctor because this isn't like you" Chuck tells me as he attempts to assist me but I find the strength to push him away from me

"The fact that you don't understand what I'm saying or even care to…that scares me most about us" I tell him sternly

"What do you want me to say! You keep putting me in these impossible situations" Chuck replies "I say sorry and it's like I'm the blame for your daughters death. I say we'll fix this but I can't begin to fix what you yourself just realized all but now. What do you want me to say?" he asks as I begin to realize one thing that he's said

"Daughter? How do you know I was having a girl?" I ask in disbelief as I see he's sporting that deer in headlights look "Chuck, how do you know?" I ask again

"Because I talked with the doctors. I thought you were lying about the paternity, so I talked with the doctors as Louis. They told me the paternity" Chuck admits as I simply bring my hands up to my face

"And you knew?….why didn't you tell me?" I asked

"Because what good would it have been?" Chuck asked

"It could've made all the difference, but it's my decision to decide what it will mean or not mean" I cried

"Let's just go. Let's go home and…" Chuck begins to say

"I can't do us right now. I just need to go" I tell him as I fend off any attempt he makes on trying to touch me as I hail a taxi down.