Chapter Two: The Tenwalker Tryouts
Elrond stood surveying the mass of Tenth Walkers who were crowding one of his lawns, looking grumpy as an elf could look. The Fellowship members all stood behind him, murmuring nervously to each other.
"Alright, you lot, settle down," Elrond said loudly to the crowd. They continued to chatter and giggle, but a few turned around to listen.
"Hey," the elf continued more loudly, his pointed ears beginning to burn. "Seriously. Listen up!"
The murmurs continued.
"SHUT UP!" he screamed, and the women fell silent, staring at him like frightened rabbits.
"Alright then! Now. Let's get to business, here. Seeing as apparently all of you here are Tenth Walkers, some decisions are going to have to be made. We can't send all of you, so we're going to have a tournament," The crowd buzzed excitedly. The Fellowship members looked at each other and shrugged.
"Wait, what's the object?" asked Berry, who was standing near the front of the crowd. "And how many are going?"
"I'm getting to it!" Elrond grumbled. "The object is to prove that you are worthy in battle, and that you will not be, er… distracted by any of the members of this Fellowship," The murmuring rippled out and then shushed again when Elrond's ears began turning purple.
"And the final number we have chosen is three, preferably one of each race," he concluded, his eye twitching in his effort to subdue his profound irritation. Berry nodded to herself, looking pleased with these answers.
"Now, there has been an obstacle course set up in the horse pastures, and I would like you to all make your way there in an orderly fashion, but only the elves may line up for competition. The rest of you, we'll get to you later."
As the Tenth Walkers made their way excitedly towards the pastures, Elrond turned to the Fellowship.
"Sound good to you?" he asked.
"Er, sure. Sounds good." Said Aragorn. Legolas was looking nervous again. Gimli looked rather sullen.
"What disturbs you, Master Dwarf?" asked Elrond.
"I am merely wondering why there are no Dwarvish Tenth Walkers, my lord," Gimli said.
"I daresay I can only be glad that there aren't any more. Though I feel certain about ten more appeared last night," Elrond sighed dejectedly. "Anyway, I need Legolas, Aragorn, Frodo and Gandalf to accompany me to the field, please,"
And they made their way to the obstacle course, already heavy with the task that lay before them.
Two days later, Legolas sat nervously facing the final two elf women who had been the most impressive in the war-games. Aragorn, Frodo, and Gandalf stood behind him, watching intently.
"Pick one, buddy," Aragorn said. "Go on," But Legolas sat perspiring, his eyes darting from one pale elven face to another. The blonde one was taller than him, had one green eye and one blue eye, and was looking at him far too intently. He wasn't sure if she wanted to win or wanted to rape him, and he certainly did not want to find out. The brunette was shorter and less pointy in the face, and while she was wearing absurdly designed amour she wasn't giving him the creeps. He had of course already chosen her, but he was afraid see the reaction of her competitor.
"Um," he said articulately.
"We don't have all day, here," said Elrond, walking up to them and rubbing his forehead. "Get a move on!"
"Er, yes, well. I think… ah… maybe… Nullamothiel. Yes," the prince stammered finally, staring with sheer unmasked horror into the different colored eyes of Ellorahvindiel. But all she did was frown and cross her arms. Nulla smiled pleasantly and did a tiny curtsey.
"Thank you, my lord!" she said cheerfully, and danced off into the woods to gossip with the other Tenwalkers. The blonde stood blinking, growled lowly, and stalked off. Legolas heaved a sigh of relief and collapsed into his chair.
"Well done. Not the brightest crayon in the box, but that hardly matters," said Gandalf, who lit his pipe.
"I need an apple martini," the elf prince pronounced, and nimbly leapt from his chair and sauntered inside the Last Homely House.
"Who's next?" Elrond asked almost cheerfully. A bird twittered in the bushes nearby.
"You're going to do this to me again, really?" he asked, exasperated.
"Fine, fine, fine," Aragorn said. "Let's get it over with."
That night as they sat feasting in halls of Rivendell, Gimli espied Aragorn talking to a stunning blonde woman and crept over to investigate. Upon closer inspection he found that Aragorn was in fact trapped against the wall as she talked smoothly to him and winked and fluttered her eyelashes at a mile a minute.
"I know you have a think for brunettes, but haven't you ever heard that blondes have more fun?" she asked through a flurry of eyelashes.
"Er… no, can't say as I have heard that. Not a fan, really, no, I prefer brunettes," the Ranger replied, nervously sipping his elf-water (which for all the world tasted like Crystal Light pink lemonade.)
"But don't you ever wonder where the expression comes from?" she insisted, and Gimli wondered if in fact her eyelashes would fall off. He grinned, thinking that he could use this situation to his advantage, and butted in.
"Well, lassie, you can teach me the origin of the phrase anytime you like!" he said, barging up behind her and putting a stubby arm around her waist. She looked at him, horrified, and began to inch away.
"Um, yes, well, maybe… I have to pee," she said quickly, and dashed off. Aragorn sighed in relief.
"She'll be back," Gimli said, winking at him. "She loves me," Aragorn looked doubtful, but smiled anyway and tipped his goblet at Gimli in gratitude.
"So, how goes the judging, Lord?" the dwarf asked him pleasantly.
"Terrifying," he replied, finishing his elf-water in one long swallow.
"Well, good luck to you!" Gimli replied, clapping the man forcefully on the back and causing him to burp rather painfully.
By the end of the Man round of tryouts, Elrond had taken up smoking. He spent his days now herding Tenwalkers, keeping them off the ancient artifacts and out of the bedroom suites of the Fellowship members.
"They're like cows," he told Gandalf wearily as he puffed on a pipe he had borrowed from Bilbo (who was staying as far out of the business as he could.) "They just stare at you with their great stupid glittering eyeballs as if you were speaking gibberish, and you have to just sort of stare back at them until they scoot off,"
"Do you think I could help?" the wizard offered.
"Not really, but thanks for the offer," At that moment Aragorn came staggering in from the pastures.
"How'd it go?" asked Elrond.
"Awful," moaned the Ranger. "But I picked this woman named Mayleene who seems to bat her eyelashes somewhat slower than the others,"
"Well, that's good. Go and get some rest, will you?" Gandalf advised him, and the man gladly staggered off down the hall towards his suite.
The Tenwalker hobbits, some of whom were absurdly elflike despite their tiny stature, stood milling about the pastures when Frodo and Elrond approached them.
"I warn you, Master Hobbit, this could get ugly," Elrond said.
"It's alright. I think I can handle it," Frodo replied, his hands shaking in his pockets. As they approached, the crowd fell silent. Elrond had gained somewhat of a reputation.
"Everyone, please listen. I'm sorry to report this, but it's getting far too late in the year and this tournament has gone on for way too long. So I would like you all to be respectful when Master Frodo pronounces his choice from among you, and please remember that you may yet be able to help us in the future," Elrond said. It was apparent that there was a strong urge from the crowd to mumble and whisper, but they refrained.
"Say what?" Frodo murmured to him, confused.
"I'm just throwing that last bit out to pacify them. Go ahead and tell them," the elf replied. Swallowing hard, Frodo turned the ring around in his pocket and addressed the crowd.
"Well, I first want to say I'm sorry about the cancellation. But my choice is BerryBum Took, and I'd like to thank the rest of you for being so patient," The Tenwalkers could not repress their exasperation this time, and they began to protest. But Berry came up towards the front and shot them all a look, and they fell sullenly silent.
"Thanks, Frodo," she said, smiling pleasantly at him.
"No, thank you for making this choice absurdly easy for me," the ringbearer replied under his breath as they departed, leaving the crowd mumbling in dejection.
"I'm just glad to have this insanity over with. It's high time you lot got out of here," Elrond said. "Though I suppose I will have to ride herd on these idiots until such time as we can dispose of them,"
"You could use them, you know. They may be stupid, but I bet they would make a decent army," Berry pointed out. A gleam came into Elrond's eye, and Stood still for a moment staring into the distance.
"What a scathingly brilliant idea..."