Chapter Two
Yes.
Sadly it was true.
Spencer, her wife… ex-wife now, was in fact engaged to walk down the aisle and repeat those same hollow vowels that they had once exchanged together all those years ago.
It had gotten to the point, Ashley had noticed, that her life had become one big American satire of failure. She had come from a broken, unhappy home as a child to now having a broken, unhappy home… hotel room as an adult. Life's vicious line had now met its two ends together in an equally vicious circle. Growing up, Ashley was positively determined not to mirror the haunting mistakes of her parents. She had resented them for the longest time for it all and yet, here she was living their life with mistakes even more haunting.
She was LA's newest divorcé at the ripe young age of 29. Years ago, she never would have imagined that this would be in the cards for her. She had known her future before this day; a life with Spencer and all the joy that it would bring. She had tasted it so sweetly.
Now, here she was sitting on a cold, unwelcoming bed of a hotel room with absolutely no idea what that future would be. It was foggy and foreign to her. She wasn't at a cross roads, as the saying goes. She was at a complete drop off and no matter how hard she looked over the edge, she couldn't see what lay before her.
Her life, as she knew it, was over.
She sighed heavily before leaning back to lie down on the stiff bed. She slowly brought her left hand up to move some of the stray curls that had drifted across her eyes. A sparkle caught her attention as she froze momentarily to take in the sight of her wedding band, tightly around her ring finger. Years of wear had caused it to seemingly fuse to her finger. She wondered briefly if it would ever come off. This thought brought a new batch of tears to sting her eyes. She never wanted it to come off, not for a second. However, what right did she have to wear it anymore?
Her right hand slowly joined her left as her fingertips lightly grazed the white gold, sapphire encrusted band. She stared at it for what seemed like forever as various memories rose to the surface with each tear that fell. She could remember proposing and the shocked expression on Spencer's face. She hadn't seen it coming; probably because Ashley had always been opposed to the idea of marriage. Each day with Spencer, however, had convinced Ashley that nothing was more worthwhile. So, she had decided to take the plunge and ask.
They had been together ever since their first semester at UCLA; for two years and two months they had been inseparable. They had met during some sort of pep rally or something, complete with balloons and chaos. Neither of them was quite sure what exactly they had attended. All they were certain of was that they had never been the same since, in a good way.
Ashley had been quietly contemplating her decision for a while now; probably since the very beginning. She knew without a doubt, 100%, that she was completely in love with Spencer and a future without her was not an option. She had fallen for her fast, almost instantly. Spencer had completely altered Ashley's way of thinking; and she loved it. She lived for it. Every breath she took, everything she said was all for the blonde haired, blue eyed beauty that was about to be swept off her feet.
She had grown up a cynic, viewing marriage as no more than an excuse for people to get tax write-offs. Her parents certainly hadn't given her a reason to believe in the institution. They divorced on nasty terms when she was very young; six years old, in fact, and there were no more happy times spent with the two off them together. Ashley had believed that institutions were only meant for the mentally disabled. Never did she think that she would be at a point in her life where she wanted nothing else.
She wanted to marry Spencer, quite possibly more than she wanted to breathe, and it both scared and excited her simultaneously. She was scared for the possible let down on the off chance she said no; but she was excited beyond belief because she knew in her heart Spencer would say yes.
As she leaned against Spencer's car, fumbling with the lose ring in her pocket and waiting for the blonde to emerge from the school's building across the way, she looked to the bright sky of California and knew that what she was about to do would change her life.
She had it all planned out. Tonight would be perfect!
Spencer was all too aware of Ashley's views on marriage and not once did she think that she could change them; certainly not today of all days. This had been, by far, the worst day she had ever known, at least since being at UCLA. She had managed to lose an entire SD card full of photos and video, necessary for her upcoming documentary about what it takes for love to change even the hardest of hearts.
Yes, she was a hopeless romantic.
She often wondered how in the world she ended up being so extremely happy with such a cynic. Ashley hated the idea of marriage. She laughed mockingly throughout movies like The Note Book and Love Story. Once, she had even managed to wrangle up a small group of people to protest Valentine's Day around campus, citing it as a commercial holiday.
Spencer and Ashley were polar opposites, you could say. They hardly ever managed to agree on anything, even such things as small as the best looking sock. Is there even an answer to that? Don't the vast majority of socks tend to look the same? Does it even matter when you're just going to cover them up with shoes anyway? This had been their "heated" discussion from the night before.
Spencer just smiled as she thought about it, rounding the corner of the film building just before exiting.
It didn't matter how much arguing they did on a regular basis; it was never much more than light-hearted banter. They would always end up in a passionate lip-lock anyway. Sometimes, Spencer would spend all day at school wondering what they would discuss and then "argue" about once she made it home. She lived for their squabbles, which only seemed to bring the two of them closer together.
She also thoroughly enjoyed listening to Ashley talk for hours upon hours about music. The subject had never interested Spencer that much in the past. She was never quite up to date on the musical artists of the day or the hit songs of the week. That all changed the first moment that she had heard Ashley play guitar. It was as though the strings that vibrated at the delicate touch of Ashley's strong fingers had breathed new life and awareness into her. She hadn't been sure of much at that particular moment, but she did know that Ashley was going to be something special. She was so talented. It was also at that particular moment that she knew she had fallen hard for Ashley; a mere two weeks after they had met.
She smiled at the memory of the night Ashley had played for her. It was one of the best nights of her life.
As she rounded the corner of the court yard to cross over to the parking lot, she noticed the familiar brunette leaning against her car. Her smile grew much larger as she picked up her pace. When their eyes met, Ashley smiled and began walking towards Spencer to meet her half way.
"What are you doing here?" Spencer asked as she bounded into Ashley's arms excitedly. She immediately dropped her bag and brought her lips up to meet the awaiting lips of her girlfriend. Their arms wrapped around each other as the kiss deepened.
Pulling apart, Ashley rested her forehead against Spencer's as her eyes remained shut. She could never get enough kisses from the blonde beauty. "Surprised?"
"Pleasantly!" Spencer exclaimed with a large toothy smile. "You just made my day a thousand times better. I was afraid I wouldn't see you until late." She pouted adorably.
Laughing, Ashley brought her hand up to caress her girlfriend's soft cheek. "Well I ditched the studio early so that I could pick you up."
Scoffing, Spencer playfully slapped Ashley's arm and replied, "How are you ever supposed to finish your first album if you keep distracting yourself so easily?"
"Ah my dear, but you are the best distraction," Ashley breathed seductively before capturing Spencer in another lip-lock before pulling back apart to ask, "So, how was your day, babe?"
Spencer blew out a deep breath of air, puffing her cheeks up as she slumped. "It totally sucked. I lost the only thing I that had my project saved on."
"What," Ashley started as she looked down to pull something out of the pocket that didn't contain jewelry. "This?" She held up the SD card as she smiled teasingly at Spencer.
Gasping, Spencer grabbed the card from her and rewarded Ashley with a gigantic hug. "Where on Earth did you find it?"
"It fell out of your bag as you were leaving. I didn't notice until you were already gone," she replied with a small shrug
"Thank you," she said graciously as they kissed for a third time.
Reluctantly pulling apart, Ashley picked up the abandoned backpack and held her arm out for Spencer to take. "We better go though because I have a surprise waiting for you."
"Ooo, I like surprises," Spencer said flirtatiously as she took Ashley's arm in her hand.
Ashley could only smile as the butterflies began to build up in her stomach. She could only hope that those light fluffy butterflies wouldn't morph into sharp winged bats that would undoubtedly cause her to lose her nerve. She had never proposed before and there was no telling how she would feel when closer to the time. She took a deep breath as they both climbed into her black Porsche. The Sun was just beginning to set at around 7:30 on this cool November day; and that was perfect for her plans.
About forty-three minutes later they were ascending an elevator shaft as Ashley held her hands over Spencer's eyes.
"What is going on Ash? What did you do?" Spencer questioned with a smile on her face and tingles all over her body.
"You'll see," Ashley replied as her butterflies continued to flutter about and a small smile of confidence graced her face.
The elevator came to a stop as the familiar 'ding' echoed in the tiny space, signaling that they had arrived to their floor. As the doors slid open, Ashley's stomach flipped and flopped from nervousness. Slowly, she walked them out just a few steps before dropping her hands from Spencer's eyes, allowing her to take in the sight.
Spencer gasped. There before her was a candle lit dinner for two complete with rose petals and wine. The small table was a cool black with a simple white table cloth adorning it as blood red rose pedals were scattered around giving off their sweet aroma. Two small wrought iron chairs sat pushed in underneath the table as dark vines delicately intertwined, curling around the legs and up the arch of the back. As she glanced around, she noticed hundreds of warm glowing lights strung across the gazebo that majestically loomed overhead, it too dressed in vines with flowers in various places. Ashley had never done anything like this before and it had rendered her completely and utterly speechless.
It wasn't until a small gust of wind whipped around their bodies that she realized where they were. Her eyes widened even further as she took in the sight of the city lights before her, stretching out for miles around them. They were on the rooftop of the Ritz-Carlton; and the view was breath taking. This was a moment she had only seen in movies and guess only existed in fairy tales. Never in her life did she imagine she would be on the receiving end of such a marvelous surprise. She could only glance around in awe as tears came to her eyes.
Ashley was having difficulty gauging Spencer's reaction because the blonde had yet to face her and say anything. She was silently battling the butterflies for control of her nerves. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she balled her hands into tight fists, attempting to shake off her nerves as beads of sweat began to form unwelcomingly on her brow. It felt like all at once, time had stopped and she was forced to wait, hanging on the moment that was bound to make or break her. She could feel her breathing pick up as her hands loosened their grips and became clammy and cold. What had she been reduced to?
"Oh my God Ash," Spencer exclaimed breathlessly as she turned to meet Ashley, tears streaming down her face. "How..." She couldn't finish her sentence.
"Well don't cry," Ashley said with a teasing chuckle as she reached her hand up to catch the stray tears. She took the tears to mean that Spencer was happy. She had never been much of a romantic and this had surely shell-shocked her girlfriend.
"How did you do all of this?" She asked with wide eyes, motioning her hands around to point at everything.
"Carefully?" Ashley replied in more of a questioning way, not wanting to give up her secrets.
"Ash..." Spencer grabbed Ashley softly and kissed her passionately, her hands roaming up to the back of her head to tangle in the familiar brown curls. "Thank you," she whispered as their foreheads and noses remained in contact.
"Well don't thank me yet," she joked with a chuckle while pulling away. "The dinner might be crap. I kinda made it myself," she shyly confessed with a scrunched nose.
"You cooked?" Spencer could not believe this night. Ashley was certainly full of surprises.
She smiled as she led Spencer over to the small table, covered in a charming Italian meal consisting of Portobello mushroom tortellini in Alfredo sauce with garlic bread and a bottle of chilled Moscoto.
"I hope you like it," Ashley said with an unsure expression as she pulled out a chair for the blonde to sit in. "I couldn't make lasagna. I tried. It just didn't work out. This, however, came naturally to me."
"It's so beautiful Ash," she breathed out with sincere blue eyes that held so much of Ashley's heart in them.
"Not half as beautiful as you," Ashley took her seat across from Spencer.
"I love you so much," Spencer said as she was sure she had never loved Ashley more. Was it even possible?
A while later they were both finishing up their meals as Ashley felt her heart quicken. She knew that the moment of do or die was fastly approaching. She had planned to play a song she wrote for Spencer before asking the question that she came here to ask; but now she wasn't sure she could wait any longer. She was becoming quite antsy and the butterflies were becoming bats.
"I... uhm... Did you like it?" She stammered out like a nervous teenager would on a first date.
"It was wonderful, as is this whole night," she replied as she looked around and up at the stars. "The view, the candles, everything. I guess I'm just surprised because it's sooo not you." She finished with a laugh as she took another sip of her wine. She glanced up to notice Ashley's somewhat fallen expression. Immediately she regretted the last sentence as she grabbed both of Ashley's hand and added sincerely, "Not that I'm complaining. At all."
Smiling as she looked down at their joined hands, Ashley suddenly felt the butterflies/bats calm down a bit. She knew she could do this. There wasn't a word in the English language to describe the kind of courage Spencer had given to her in that moment. "I have something for you."
Spencer scrunched her eyes as Ashley suddenly jumped to her feet and moved towards a small grand piano that was off in the corner, lighting a few candles, bathing it in a warm glow. Once again, Spencer gasped. How had she not noticed the piano before? She surmised that she was too caught up in the view of the city and the elegant dinner for two.
"Um... would you like to hear the first single?" Ashley asked with a proud and hopeful expression.
"I thought I already had," Spencer said, clearly confused. Ashley had played her a demo track of what she had said would be her first single.
"Well that was the former first single. I decided on a new song to release first," Ashley said as she approached Spencer and took both hands in her own. "Come sit by me. I want to play it for you," she breathed out heavily as they stood so close together, causing sparks to engulf them.
Spencer looked deep into Ashley's loving eyes. There was something new there, something akin to determination. She didn't understand how she knew, but she knew that this moment was a huge one, a turning point. Nothing would be the same afterward. This caused her heart to pound nervously, threatening to leap through her chest.
Slowly, Ashley led her over to a small chair positioned next to the piano, pulling it out for her with steady hands and a deep breath. She walked around to the awaiting bench and smiled at Spencer as she sat. Her fingers came up to grace the ivory as she said softly, "I just want you to know that… I love you." She swallowed and scrunched her brow as she added, "And I don't say that enough."
"Ash," Spencer whispered with a tilt of her head to the right. "I love you."
"I wrote this song about a week ago," she said, looking down at the keys as her nerves suddenly came crashing back. "I don't usually play piano and I could have played it on guitar; but I thought that the piano has a certain intimacy that the guitar lacks. Anyway…" It was now or never, she thought as her fingers fell into place to strike the first chords. "It's called 'A Message' and it's for you."
Spencer listened absorbedly as the notes drifted around her, letting herself get lost in the music as Ashley began to play the song. She had never really witnessed her play the piano before; and it was breathtaking, especially in the candle light. The candles were creating shadows and glows that only seemed to heighten the intimacy that Ashley had spoke of.
'My song is love
Love to the love that's shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone'
Ashley pushed her words out strongly and beautifully, capturing each note with ease. She wasn't going to let the butterflies/bats get the best of her; no, not when so much was at stake. This was her defining moment, and she would not walk away a coward.
'And I'm not gonna take it back
Oh I'm not gonna say I don't mean that
You're the target that I'm aiming at'
With this line, she looked directly into Spencer's eyes with such focus. Spencer was the target that Ashley was aiming at and she felt her heart sore as tingles took over her body. Ashley was so intense and serious; she had never seen her this way. Something was going on; that, she was aware of, something heart-stoppingly powerful. It was thick in the atmosphere, so thick you could taste. What was going through Ashley's mind?
'Got to get that message home
My song is love
My song is love unknown
But I'm on fire for you, clearly'
Ashley couldn't help the small smile which formed on the left side of her mouth as she held their gaze. She had been on fire since the day they met; and it only intensified more and more. She never wanted to be put out.
Spencer was beginning to tear up, so Ashley continued assuringly.
'You don't have to be alone
You don't have to be on your own
And I'm not gonna take it back
Oh I'm not gonna say I don't mean that
You're the target that I'm aiming at
And I'm nothing on my own
Got to get that message home'
There was no holding back the tears that now were flowing freely from her eyes. Spencer was a goner and only for Ashley. She had never imagined that something this romantic and sweet would ever happen to her. It was something only heard of in movies; movies which Ashley laughed off. Yet, here they were and Ashley had clearly put a lot of effort into this evening. Who would have thought?
'And I'm not gonna stand and wait
Not gonna leave it until it's much too late
On a platform I'm gonna stand and say
That I'm nothing on my own
And I love you, please come home'
Ashley's voiced shifted into a beautiful falsetto as she sang the word 'love' and the song reached its climactic moment. It was truly heartfelt and she felt tears in her own eyes as she closed them tightly. She couldn't fall apart at the seams just yet. She had to give Spencer what she deserved, calmly.
The song quieted and slowed as her fingers followed suit. A deep breath and she finished off the final lyrics.
'My song is love, is love unknown
And I've got to get that message home'
Once she struck the last chord, she allowed herself to breathe a sigh of relief and smile to herself as her eyes remained closed. She had never been such a sap before and was becoming a bit too self-conscious. Luckily for her, Spencer had moved to join her on the bench, pulling her into her arms.
"That was absolutely beautiful, Ash. Thank you," she spoke softly as she kissed Ashley's cheek sensually.
"You don't think it was a bit much huh?" Ashley was trying to make a joke to calm her insides.
"I thought it was sweet. What's gotten into you?" She asked as she draped her arm tightly around Ashley's waist.
Ashley knew that this was her moment. All the things she had planned to say before had completely abandoned her now. With a deep breath and Spencer's free hand in hers, she stood and turned them around to face away from the piano, with Spencer still seated.
"I just never thought I could be this person that I am. I grew up not believing in much of anything," she confessed as she knelt in front of Spencer, to meet her at eye level. "But you make me believe in everything. I never again want to be who I was before I met you."
"I love who you are," Spencer said genuinely as her hand came up to brush Ashley's hair. "You don't have to be someone you're not just for me. This whole night was wonderful, but Ash, just be yourself."
"The thing is, I love who I am when I'm with you," Ashley's eyes met hers once again as she continued, "It's who I'm meant to be. You make me all that I can be."
Spencer could only look lovingly into the brown eyes before. She was afraid that if she spoke, she would wake up from her dream; so she safely stayed by not saying anything.
"I have something else for you, but," Ashley said with a fluttering heart as she reached in her pocket and grasped the ring she had possessed for far too long, "Only if you want it."
She lifted the ring before Spencer as the candles flickered on the diamond.
Spencer gasped disbelievingly and she felt a lump form in her throat. Was this what she thought it was? That would make sense, seeing as how Ashley had gone all out to make this night completely unforgettable.
"I know I've made my cynicism towards marriage known on many occasions, but with you, the rules don't apply. You're the only one that marriage makes sense with," she stated with focused brown eyes directed towards blue ones. "I've had this ring for a while now, waiting for a time when I'd have enough courage to ask; and now, I believe I do. So," Ashley began with a small smile and a deep breath as she took Spencer's left hand in hers. "Spencer Carlin, will you marry me?"
Spencer was sure that hell had just frozen over, followed by a parade of flying pigs and homeward bound cows. Never in their two years and two months together did she even think for once that they would ever get married. Her heart had surely burst in her chest at that particular moment. Ashley had just asked her the big one! She was going to marry Ashley! Sound the trumpets, this girl is engaged!
She was so lost in her excited thoughts that she hadn't noticed the uneasy expression fall over Ashley's face. It wasn't until she felt a slight pressure in her hand as Ashley squeezed, that she remembered that she hadn't answered her.
Ashley had momentarily feared that Spencer was having doubts about it. She had been silent with a blank, unreadable expression on her face and had yet to give an answer. Her heart sank slightly as she was suddenly frightened of what the answer might turn out to be. The bats had taken over, flying sharply into the walls of her chest. They had sprouted claws and had begun digging away at her heart as it sank into her stomach further. The silence was only fueling them on and the more Spencer waited to answer, the more Ashley had begun to regret waking up that morning.
Spencer noticed the fear present in Ashley's eyes and immediately squeezed her hand back, reassuring the brunette that she had absolutely nothing to worry about. Smiling, she brought both of her hands up to softly cup Ashley's face as she replied, "Of course I'll marry you. But, are you sure this is what you want?" She had to ask because she never wanted to push Ashley into anything she didn't want.
"More than anything," Ashley answered breathlessly as she slid the ring on Spencer's finger. They came together softly in a delicate lip lock, only pulling back for Spencer to admire her ring.
"You amaze me," she exclaimed with a smile as she held the ring between the fingers of her right hand, studying the brilliant solitaire diamond. "It's so beautiful Ash. Just wait until my parents hear about this. They were sure that you would never want to settle down with me."
"Oh," Ashley smiled as she began to announce what was to be another surprise. "They already know. I asked them first."
"Are you serious?" Spencer could only laugh as Ashley joined her on the bench again. Ashley had previously positioned the bench so that it was close enough to the edge to over look the city below.
"Yeah they almost had a heart attack when I showed them the ring." Ashley wrapped her arm around Spencer's shoulders, pulling her as close as possible.
"I can imagine. You could sink a ship with it" Spencer chuckled jokingly, still amazed by the sheer size of it. She brought her eyes up to take in the city lights below them. "Look at this view. It's breathtaking. What made you pick this location?" Spencer scrunched her nose in curiosity.
"I wanted you to feel the way I feel every time I'm with you," she replied as she looked deep into Spencer's eyes. "On top of the world."
At that moment in the dark and cold hotel room, Ashley felt more like she was six feet under, buried by the weight of a thousand mistakes. She had given her soul, completely and utterly, to Spencer that day, so long ago. She didn't want it back. Twirling the ring around her finger, she tugged slightly until she had removed it. Suddenly her whole body felt its absence. She was naked and void of an identity once held so much by the symbolism of that ring. She had never made a commitment to anything or anyone before Spencer. She had never wanted to.
She clicked her tongue, holding back tears, as she tossed it in the trash can beside the bed. She might as well throw it away as she had done with their whole marriage. What was the point in keeping it? It would only serve as a reminder of all she had lost.
Suddenly, her cell phone that she had laid on the bedside table began blaring through the previously dead quiet room.
She let it ring a couple of times, still consumed by her thoughts, before answering it with a simple, "Yeah?"
"Ashley? Hey, I heard," the voice on the other end sympathetically stated. "Are you okay?"
"Kyla," Ashley began with a sigh, closing her eyes. "I'm not really in the mood to talk right now."
"How could you not tell me what was going on?" Kyla was her sister after all. Shouldn't they share what bothers them with each other, especially when it's this huge? Sure, she had already heard the news from Spencer, but Ashley still should have come to her on her own.
"Probably because I don't want to talk about it," Ashley sighed deeply as tears came to her eyes and anger washed over her.
"Look Ash, I think you need to talk about. It will only hurt you more if you bottle it up inside." Ah Kyla, the voice of reason. She had been there for Ashley so much growing up and all throughout her marriage, especially when things had gotten rough.
"I just got divorced. What do you want me to say?"
"I just want you to be able to vent to me that's all," Kyla pleaded with her.
"Fine," Ashley gave in angrily. "You want to know? Well here you go. Spencer divorced me so she could marry someone else. They are moving to New York and I am completely torn in half. Are you happy?"
"Ash…" Kyla began with shaky breath. She felt so heartbroken for her sister. "I know you don't want to hear this right now, but, maybe it's for the best. I mean you guys have been through so much together that it just can't work anymore. You've grown so far apart. Maybe the only way you can come back together is by finding a way to live without each other." She knew she was breathing false hope through the phone to Ashley.
"That's ridiculous. How are we supposed to come back together if she marries someone else?" Ashley asked sarcastically.
"Who knows?" Kyla certainly did, but she wasn't going to let Ashley in on it. "Maybe it's not as black and white as you think."
A/N: The song used is "A Message" by Coldplay. I would have written my own lyrics, but I suck at that. So, credit goes to Coldplay for the beautiful song.