Chapter Two .. Edward

Would I Ever Go Home?

Walking away from the life we built was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Packing my things and shoving them into some cold suitcase that I knew would only sit on some cold hotel room floor hurt. It hurt me more than anything ever will.

If someone had told me five years ago that Bella and I would be separated after all that we have been through, I wouldn't have believe them. I wouldn't have believed them simply because I would have never pictured myself walking away from my family. I wouldn't have believed them because that's not how I saw my life going.

What would she tell Emma? Where would she tell her that I was? Would she tell her that daddy was never coming home? Would she tell her that I didn't love her anymore? Would she tell Emma that I didn't love mommy anymore?

She wouldn't. Bella wasn't like that. But it was still a fear. A huge fear that has done nothing but nag and eat at me the whole way to the hotel. What would Bella tell Emma? What would Bella tell the daughter that I loved with my whole heart? And how would she react to waking up in a house with only one parent? And would it be true? Was daddy never coming home? Would I ever go home?

I loved Bella with every small shard of my broken heart. I loved her with every thing I had. I loved her more than I would ever love someone else. She was my world. She was my everything. She had been the center of my universe since I was a kid. She was my best friend, my first love, my wife and the mother of my child. She was the only woman for me. The physical pain of losing her hurt more than I could ever explain. And seeing that same pain reflected in her beautiful brown eyes, made everything ten times worse. It made the pain of leaving her and my baby girl more than I could bear.

But maybe that's something I should have thought about before I ruined everything. Maybe if I had thought of Bella, and Emma, I wouldn't be sitting on a cold, hard, unfamiliar double bed. In a dark, lonely room. Maybe if I had thought of them first, I wouldn't have ruined the only real thing I cared about. Work was good, but was it worth losing my family? I guess I had thought so. I guess spending fourteen hours at work meant more than spending much needed time at home. I had thought that the life Bella and I built was strong, strong enough to withstand something of any magnitude. I thought it was strong enough to hold up against anything, even a stupid work-a-holic like myself.

If I was being honest with myself, I didn't think the choices that I had made would lead me here. I didn't think that a simple choice would put me here, alone, without my family. I really didn't think anything through. Bella had always supported me. She supported me through everything. High school, College, my first year of working as a Composer at a company I had only dreamed of working for. She supported it all. I just don't know what went wrong, or where it went wrong.

Everything was perfect and slowly it began to unravel. Things began to fall apart little by little and crumble and I was too busy to notice. The life we built together started to crash right in front of us, and I was too blind to see it. I was too biased to realize that things were no longer perfect. It was my own fault, and still I couldn't tell you when or where it started to go wrong. I couldn't tell you where it started the downward spiral that would eventually lead us here. To this very night. The night I walked away from my family. The night I walked away from everything that ever mattered. I guess I had always had this perfect picture in my head, of Bella and I, our family, our Emma. And that picture covered up the truth. It covered up the fact that my life wasn't perfect, I had just always thought it would be.

I felt awful. There were no words to describe how much I hated myself for what I done. There were no words to describe how much I had messed up.

I flung myself back onto the stiff bed and put my hands over my head, quickly wiping the tears away. I closed my eyes and all I could see was Bella. I saw her beautiful face and my vision was clouded. My eyes burned, my heart was breaking, and my mind was scrolling though every amazing moment Bella and I had together. Through every time I swore this would never happen. Through every time we promised each other that things would be alright again.

But it wasn't. And I did nothing to stop it.

I couldn't sleep that night. I kept rolling over, just wishing she would be there, next to me, waiting for me to wrap my arms around her and hold like I used to. All those nights I spent on the couch and took for granted how amazing holding my wife felt. All those nights I spent alone, and not once did I toss and turn willing Bella to be there next to me. But tonight, I was.

I took Bella for granted. I loved her, but not once did I learn to appreciate her. It took nearly losing her, and my child, to know what my life would be like without her. I had to image how my life would be if I were alone in it. If I was all by myself, I swore to myself that I would go crazy.I had no life without Bella and Emma. I needed them. I was convinced that I learned my lesson. So why was I laying here alone? Had I in fact not learned my lesson? Did I not remember what not having her felt like? How could I forget?

It took everything my body had to will me to walk away from her. To walk away from a life only Bella and I could have. I could never have the happiness I had with Bella with someone else. Never in my life could I feel for someone half of what I felt for Bella. Never could I love someone like I loved her. I needed her. She was everything that held my world together. So what do I do now? What do I do with myself? Without her, I wasn't sure who I was.

"Edward?" Allison, my assistant, poked her head in my door. "You have someone here to see you."

I shook my head, "I'm not in the mood today. Sorry."

She bit down on her lip. "She won't leave. I told her that you weren't seeing anyone today, but she insists. She said she's your sister?"

I groaned under my breath and nodded my head. She wasn't going to leave. "Let her in."

Before Allison could move completely out of the way, Alice barged in the room. "What is wrong with you?" She hollered out.

I quickly stood up, "Alice, please be quiet." Then I waved Allison away quickly. She nodded and shut the door quietly.

"No," she argued. "How could you do this to your family? Were you dropped on your skull as an infant? Bella and Emma are the best things that are ever going to happen to you. How could you just leave that? You have a home with them, Edward. This isn't something you just walk away from. It's life."

"Alice," I held my hand up, ushering her to sit down. "Please stop yelling at me and just sit down."

She huffed and pursed her lips, leaning over the back of the chair as opposed to sitting in it, clearly angry with me. "You have two seconds before I start yelling again."

"I didn't want to leave, Alice." I began quickly. "Bella, well, she asked me to. We couldn't stop fighting and I didn't know what to do, and she asked me to leave. She told me it would be best if I left for a little while. I didn't know what to do, Ali." I started to break down again, feeling the sting of tears in my eyes all over again. "You have to believe me, I didn't want to walk away. They are my life, and I can't function without them. Can't you see that?" I asked, looking her dead in the eye. "I can't sleep, I can't work. I can't do anything."

Her anger started to die down as I saw her eyes sweep my face, obviously seeing the dark circles under my eyes, and then my desk, where nothing was done, just random papers strewn all over the place, and I saw her face calm. She looked down at the chair in front of my desk and slowly pulled it out. She sat down and looked up at me, watching as I wiped the tears from my face and sat down myself.

"I'm a mess, Alice." I whispered.

She shook her head, "How did this happen?"

I put my face in my hands, shrugging my shoulders. "It's my fault, I know that much, but I really don't know what went wrong. I thought everything was fine, and then we just started arguing and fighting and it became a nightly thing and now I'm here," I said, sweeping the room with my arm. "I'm here, alone, tired, and scared to death that I just lost my life. It's like everything moved in fast forward and I skipped right over the park where I royally fucked up."

"You guys are gonna get back together, right?" She asked, fear in her eyes. "You can't break up, Edward. You and Bella are married, remember? You remember the trip to Vegas, right? You remember everything everyone told you, and you did it anyways. You did it because you loved her. You did it because you don't want anyone but her. That's gotta mean something, Edward."

I nodded, "It should, but I just don't know anymore."

"Don't," she leaned forward, slamming her hand on the desk. "Don't you dare say you don't know. You know, you know that you love her, and you know that you two belong together. There is no 'I don't know' Edward. You know damn well that Bella needs you there. She doesn't need you here," she swiped the room with her hand. "In this damn office. That's what started all these problems. How can you even sit in here and not feel bad?"

"I do feel bad, Alice." I snapped. "I feel terrible that I no longer have my family."

"So you're just giving up?" She interrupted me. "You're just going to let her go, just like that?"

I shook my head, putting my hands over my eyes and rubbing them down my face. "I don't know Alice! She said she didn't want me there, what else am I supposed to do? I have to let her calm down some before I thrust myself back on her. I won't let her go, but I have to give her time."

"You know Edward, if Jasper had asked me to leave, begged me even, there is no way in hell I'd move. It wouldn't matter what he said. He's he love of my life, and you know this. You know how much I love him, how much I care about him. Nothing in this world could tear us apart." She shook her head in disappointment. "Nothing."

"You don't get it Alice," I argued. "You just don't get it."

I love Bella, and it didn't matter how many times I said it, it never changed. I loved her more and more every day. But no matter what I said, what I did, I couldn't take back anything I'd done wrong. I couldn't make this right like Alice wanted me too. I couldn't just go back home and pray everything would go back to normal. Bella and I lived in denial for far too long to take anything back now. We needed help, we needed to work on things, not just hope that it would go away. Living like that for months obviously showed us that never worked.

Eventually, after no further argument on my part, Alice rose from her seat and walked away. She slammed the door behind her, rattling the picture on the wall. I understood her anger. I truly did. But what could I do now? I had ruined things beyond the point of hopes and dreams fixing my marriage. It was up to me now, it was up to me to fix my life with Bella. And the only solution I found at the moment was time. It could either be on my side, or it could hurt me, but at this point, I didn't know how much worse it could get.

I threw myself back in my chair, letting it rock harshly. I couldn't work like this. So I packed my folder up, shoved it inside my bag and stood up. I walked right past Allison without a single word to her. She just looked back down at her desk and ignored me, giving me the space I requested earlier.

I hurried to my car, throwing my bag into the passenger seat and starting it quickly. I sped out of the parking garage and onto the wet streets of Forks. I didn't know where I would go. I couldn't go home. I obviously couldn't go to my sisters house. I found only one option.

"So, trouble in paradise, little brother?" Emmett asked as he plopped down on the couch next to me, handing me a can of soda.

I shook my head at his obscenity. "I already got my lecture from Alice."

"Oh, don't worry." He assured. "I'm not going to lecture you, Edward." Then he kicked his feet up and turned on the television. "But I do suppose you're going to need somewhere to stay. And someone to keep your mind off things." He glanced towards me, a small grin on his face. "That's what I'm here for. I'm not good at many things, but I am good at that."

I nodded, allowing my mind to rest as my head sank into the couch cushion behind me. Emmett was right. He wasn't good at talking, he wasn't good at understanding a predicament. But he was good at just being there. He was good at taking your mind off of what you didn't want to think about. And I did need a place to stay.