They rode the elevator to his floor side by side, his arm draped over her shoulder. Funny, he was never so touchy-feely before, she thought. Then again, she didn't exactly invite that level of closeness. He had been right, that day long ago at the prison when he told her she was scared. To need it, want it, and lose it. Relationships were just a way to dispel loneliness. She didn't do them with anyone who might actually risk hurting her. If she felt that risk, she sabotaged it. If she felt like her world was threatened, she sabotaged it. And letting someone in - truly letting them in - definitely threatened her world.

His arm stayed casually slung over her shoulders as he led her towards his apartment. Yeah, this definitely threatened the order of her world. But she'd finally realized that she'd never have a home if she didn't take a chance. And if he was home, then she had to take a chance on him.

But taking a chance meant she'd have to be open, and honest. This was Holder. Not some random guy available when she was lonely. Not that there had been any of them recently, either. Not since that night. That last night before she'd blown her world up good, and drug Holder along for the fallout.

"Yo, Linden!" She jumped, a bit, and brought her eyes up to Holder.

He tapped her head gently, just beside her temples, with a finger on either side. "Those gears in here keep cranking that hard, they're gonna set my smoke alarms off. What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?"

Shit. She hadn't meant to lose herself in her thoughts. She just. Wasn't sure how... Well, Shit. She glanced around, trying to come up with something to say. "You have the same couch." She commented. Lame, Linden, she chided herself. He's never going to believe that. And she was right, his face fell a little bit, as if he was disappointed that she would still close herself off and not share. She just... didn't know how to say it. Not yet. And she didn't want him to think she was getting ready to run. And he'd probably thing that if she told him that part of her felt like she was threatening her own existence. He'd be hurt. And she'd hurt him enough. God, she'd done enough damage to last them four lifetimes. She didn't want to do anymore. She was tired of breaking things.

He looked like he wanted to say something, making her worry for a long second that he was going to call her on her redirection, but then he shrugged. "I'm a simple man, Linden. Don't need new furnishings every year. That's one comfy couch. Me and that couch, we're attached." He paused, ran his hand over the side of her head, down her neck, her shoulder, stopping halfway down her arms. His gaze was steady on hers, unblinking. His touch comforting. She offered him a nervous smile, an apology that she hoped he could read in her eyes. 'S'alright, Linden. You can tell me when you're ready."

She acknowledged with the slightest nod, then wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly. She was so grateful that he backed off, that he knew to back off. That he just let her be, without criticizing her when she couldn't get past her own shit.

"Dinner." Holder murmurred against her hair. "I should make us some dinner."

She thought about that. Domestic. Making dinner together. It sounded nice, but not tonight. "Mmmm...can we just order takeout? Less work. Takeout, tv, your couch?"

"You scared of my cooking, Linden? Cause I gotta tell ya, yours is probably a lot more dangerous than mine." He quipped, making her laugh. She pulled back a little bit, just enough to look up at him.

"More scared of mine than yours." She agreed. "It's just..." She struggled to put her feelings into words. She wasn't used to communicating her feelings, she was used to pushing them down, away, hidden. "I just...I..."

"Spit it out, Linden." his voice was soft, kind.

"Can we just be, tonight? Takeout, couch, tv?"

She saw when he understood. She was so grateful that he understood her without her having to come up with more words than she honestly had at the time. "Discovery channel ok?" He asked, tugging her towards the couch and flopping down, pulling her down with him.

"Whatever you want." She agreed. He called for delivery - lemon chicken and eggrolls and all of her favorites - her heart expanded at how easily he remembered -, and some weird vegan stuff on the side...Shit, she'd really hoped he'd gotten over that phase. She was still standing by the counter when he lowered himself into a slouch on the couch, and patted the seat beside him. It felt awkward, she thought, as she sat beside him, careful to not get too close, unsure of what her next move should be. Then, he took the decision away from her when he slung his arm over her shoulder, pulled her gently into his side, and started clicking through channels.

"You are going to pick a show, right?" She asked after a few minutes. "Not just flip channels so fast the changing screens makes my brain explode?"

"Ohhhh Snap! Linden's got more jokes!" He exclaimed, squeezing her tighter against him. "Saucy and bossy, just like the old days, but with jokes!" He chortled at his own humor while she rolled her eyes and pretended to huff exasperatedly. He was amusing as ever, but she didn't dare let him know that. His ego wouldn't fit in the room. "Got any more hidden in there?"

"Wouldn't you like to know." She shot back.

"And she learned how to banter when she was away! Linden's got new moves!" he crowed. "Wonder what other moves she's got." he pondered, waggling an eyebrow at her.

"Shut up, Holder." She resorted to the same line she always used when she wasn't sure how to deal with his relentless teasing. But the effect was ruined when a chuckle escaped in the middle of it. She could practically see his ego grow as he laughed, cuddled her closer, and settled in with the tv finally, blissfully, on one channel.

"You surprised the hell outta me today." he murmurred a while later, during a random commercial about toilet paper.

She was quiet for a long second before finally admitting "I surprised the hell out of myself." She shifted, slightly, so that her head was over his heart, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. She was half in his lap, but he didn't seem to mind. She definitely didn't mind. And wasn't that interesting. She'd analyze it later. Right now, she just wanted to relax, to enjoy being with this man she'd missed oh so very much.

"I never intended to come back to Seattle again." she finally admitted, softly.

"Why did you?"

The pregnant pause went on too long, and he panicked a bit, that she might be changing her mind about staying if she thinks too hard about it. "I mean," he continued, "I'm glad you did. I'm thrilled you did. I wouldn't have it any other -"

"Holder." She stopped him. "I know what you mean." She took a long, deep breath in, and then let it out again. "I came...because... I needed to see you. To apologize for being so awful. For not having faith in you, at the end-right before-when-"

"It's ok, Linden."

"No. It's not. You...You risked everything for me. And I..." Here, her voice cracked, "You were HOME, and I RUINED IT. I didn't even stop and think. I just lost it. I accused you- You never left - I didn't believe - I didn't think about all of the times you saved me - I just thought-"

"SARAH." His use of her first name stopped her increasingly frantic attempts at explaining, and she just stopped. Stopped talking, stopped breathing, just lifted her head and stared at him with a sheen of tears in eyes that mirrored all the same regrets he had.

"Sarah." He said again, softer, his gaze demanding she maintain eye contact. "You were WRECKED. I thought you were just rattled and squirrely and losing it over having shot Skinner. I knew it was personal to you, but I didn't realize until a long time later, when I was trying to figure out where the fuck we went so wrong, that Skinner actually mattered, that you were wrecked over more than just the shooting. More than just his betrayal of your trust. I didn't realize. I should have."

"No. You couldn't have." her voice was the barest whisper.

"I could have. I was wrapped up in my own shit."

She laughed, a short, disbelieving laugh. "Who'd have ever thought we'd both bottom out at the same time."

He ran his fingers through her hair, then caressed her face. "Yeah. At least when it was just one or the other of us getting beat to shit, or falling off our own wagons, the other was on solid enough ground to pick us up. But hey - we're here now. And that's all that matters."

She opened her mouth to respond, but couldn't find the words. Finally she offered him a small nod and a smile, and settled back in against his chest. "I'm sorry. I'm all over the place tonight. Tell me about Kalia." She requested, then settled in, listening to his stories, the timber of his voice, and the beat of his heart. Home.