CHAPTER 2
"Peterrrr! Peter, breakfast's ready, time to wake up", a crutch-leaning May shouted as she poured syrup over a stack of wheat cakes. He drags his feet to the kitchen table, and smiles at the sight of a fresh breakfast. "Please tell me they're not raisin cakes, April Fools' already passed", joked Peter. "No no, they're the cranberry ones you will fight for. Got some exciting news for ya, tho. It's about Anna." "Anna? Isn't she one of your high school friends or something?" "Yea, you remember her! She's Mary Jane's mom—" "MJ?! Wow, I haven't heard that name in years, ever since the move to Syracuse!" "You REALLY remember, don't you, sweetie?" "Do I! She was the only girl who would talk with me about Einstein's theories and then correct my homework in, like, two seconds! She also ate a barrel's worth of food in two seconds, tho." "Peter Benjamin Parker! Have some manners, that's a little girl you're talking about." "I said she was the smartest girl I ever knew! How is that not super respectful?!", Peter asked with pancake in his cheeks. "That last comment wasn't something I raised you to say about such a nice little girl, especially one that's gonna stop by in… one hour!" "Wait, she's,… she's what? She's coming HERE?", Peter flabbergasted. "Yep, so eat up before she eats it for you." "Heyyyy, how come you can make those jokes and I can't?" "Because I want you to hear how it sounds out loud. Now, you wanna hear why they're coming here after all this time from me or from them?" "I wanna hear everything from them. Annndddd turn the TV on! Kraven the Hunter's doing a rare interview on channel 4!" "Who told you—" "His Twitter. Quick, I don't wanna miss it!"
The Parkers tuned into channel 4, watching in awe of the world's most famous big game hunter.
"Mr Kravinoff, thank you so much for stopping by today, it's a real honor to have you here", slobbered the morning talk show host. "Yes, American goil, is beeg honor to be here in New York City. I cannot wait to catch Pizza Rat soon!", replied a snarky Kraven. The studio audience chuckles at his Russian accent and pandering banter. "Oh, you're quite the charmer, aren't you?" "Pearhaps, perhaps no, small baby girl. I no here to chase train rats, you have dog, eh uhhh, uhhh, Roscoe for that! Yes, you city children have Roscoe Dog!" The audience hollered and cheered at his continuing pandering. "But I do have big news to share today for big, sitting crowd. This Saturday, I finally bring WORLD FAMOUS Kravinoff Celebration Circus to America for first time ever, and very big touring start at Lincoln Center!" The crowd goes ballistic, and Peter lets out an audible WOOOO. "You Americans will finally see my super show without flying to Mother Russia, heheheh. Allow please my brother Dmitri to explain when and how you come watch best Russian since—" "Ah, brother, I think you had enough talking time today", interrupted a butter smooth voiced, slicked back hair gentleman, wearing a dark red suit and black penny loafers."Who's this discount Loki walking in front of Kra—" "May!", barked Peter. "Right, just watch, sorry." "First of all, yes, I am his half brother. Who were you expecting, Dolph Lundgren?" The audience laughs heartily. "My, what a, uh,…" "Refined man I am? I get that statement quite often, madam." "Rigghhhtttttt. So, how can we enjoy your brother—" "HALF BROTHER." "—half brother in that Celebration Circus right here at Lincoln Center?" "Well, my fair lady, you may purchase a ticket through our website, calling the Lincoln Center ticket staff, or preferably by visiting our tent's ticket queue, and procuring them with cash or card, your preference." "No counterfeit monies, I break you spine if you try buffoonery", added Kravinoff. The audience roared at his sassy remark once more. "Well, what an exciting day here at—" "One last thing, to make big opening Saturday night extra special! New York City, you have many much superheroes flying and running and swinging around number blocks. If I can get five lions to take long nappy at once, I can take on any superhero inside circus show ring! It just for fun, no hard feelings, just fun sparring for little children to see how magical Kraven is." The crowd oohs and ahhs, as if the rowdy fifth grader challenged their teacher to an arm wrestling match. Dmitri, shocked at his half brother's sheer stupidity at that moment, decides to finish this interview before he dares the mayor to a hot dog eating contest. "We, uh, we both had such a wonderful time talking with you, and thank you, brother, for bringing me to the stage. We must depart now, however, as our show rehearsals are quite demanding. Isn't that right, brother?", Dmitri asked sternly. "You right, little brother. We have much work to complete for big American touring", he confirmed.
As the brothers walked off the stage to thunderous applause, Peter and May were surprised at Kraven's closing challenge. "Now who does this commie think he is, calling out superheroes, especially our hometown heroes?! That's beyond foul, even for someone like him", commented May. "Iron Man might call out some bozo if he's drunk, sure, that I get, but him? He fights animals and throws a light show around like some kind of twisted Barnum and Bailey act; why do ya now need to kick a super's ass?" Peter awkwardly finishes his breakfast as he senses May beginning a rant against him, Jameson style."But whatever, go put on some nice clothes. We have special guests stopping by!"
Meanwhile, inside the talk show's green room, Dmitri and Kraven take a moment to figure out what happened in front of the camera. "WHY WOULD YOU CHALLENGE SUPER HEROES TO A DAMN MARQUEE OPENING PERFORMANCE FIGHT BROTHER?!", bellowed an angry Dmitri. "I just wanted to haves big opening night publicity, Dmitri! What biggest in New York City than big, strong superheroes?!", replied Kravinoff. "Brother, I can replicate any human's traits and appearance, and now you want me to replicate super powers for PUBLICITY?!" "Do the shushing, we cannot have American media hear this loud conversation", interrupted Kravinoff. "Oh my fuck, brother, you are a complete buffoon. You don't want anyone listening in on our conversations, yet you challenge basically any available super zero in the city for our OPENING NIGHT AUDIENCE", Dmitri sarcastically informs his muscle-bound brother. "You literally put me in the most unenjoyable situation I could've possibly conceived of, how am I supposed to replicate the powers of the Avengers, or any X-Man walking by, or God forbid a magic user like that damn Stephen Strange?" "I am much sorry, little brother, I went two far. I should retire after this, I very cocky in—" "Wait one moment, retire, retire, retire…, Sergei, you're a genius! We shall use the guise of the retired superhero, Spider-Man, as your challenger in the ring! He's been off the streets for a month now, so he won't interfere with my plans. He also has powers that I can actually duplicate; he just crawls walls, launches web-like fluid from his wrists and packs a hefty punch. Plus, he fights very acrobatically,—" "Leading to good fight for opening circus show! Is not bad idea, Little Dmitri, you and your twisted brain, better than Putin!" "Yes, it's a very feasible idea, I must agree. But how do we test out the power replication proper, and without anyone questioning us?" The two Russians sat in their green room, contemplating their criminal conspiracies against New York wall crawlers. "… we want audience to root for me, yes?" "Correct." "Let's make Spider Mans look BAD!" "…stimulating idea flow there, brother. But how, what specific actions should we take to make him 'look bad'?" "Let's make him commit the murder of New York City mayor!" "Too many eyes will be staring at his corpse, and some of those eyes will look towards us, you fool. But I appreciate the enthusiasm. Perhaps we should perform a lower-profile crime?" "How abbooouutttttttt… rob piggy bank? Is classic bad guy crime that anyone can do, with or without super powers!" "… exuberant thinking, brother! Simply exquisite, that's the perfect opportunity to fully test out every power! We'll do it tonight." "Tonight? Little brother, is not too soon?" "Don't you dare question my methods in making you the definitive Russian act ever again, Sergei Kravinoff. If I say it will take only one day to replicate the Spider-Man's abilities and appearance, it will take me one day to become a convincing Spider-Man." "Dmitri, you start scaring me. You acting like evil little chameleon." "Don't call me Dmitri anymore, for starters. Call me… Chameleon."
END OF CHAPTER 2