*For disclaimers see Part One. Enjoy :) *

Ghosts from the Past-Part Two

The Agency

Wednesday, April 7 2004

8:50 AM

"Charles Rendell," Billy said, handing a folder to both Lee and Amanda. "I'm not sure if you heard about it, but it was all over the news yesterday."

Amanda nodded as she began to leaf through the folder. "He was fished out of the Potomac yesterday morning."

"That's it," Billy said. "We're still waiting for the autopsy results, but for now it looks as though he was probably beaten to death."

"Guess that's what happened when he didn't come through with the goods," Lee replied, his expression grim.

"Any leads yet on Faisal's whereabouts?" Billy asked.

Lee shook his head. "No, nothing yet. Not on him or Alice Murphy—it's like they've both disappeared into thin air. And Faisal could be running his operation from anywhere—he doesn't even need to be in the country."

"Or somebody here could be running it for him," Amanda said. "Someone like Birol, maybe—"

"Except there's no proof of that," Lee's voice rose slightly.

"That still doesn't mean anything," Amanda retorted. Lee said nothing in response; he looked away from his wife, letting out a noisy sigh and running both hands back through this hair.

Something was definitely going on, Billy thought as he watched the couple. He hadn't missed the way Amanda's face had paled; her voice trembling slightly as she'd mentioned Birol's name—come to think of it, it wasn't the first time that had happened, either.

Time to find out what this was all about. He rose from his chair.

"I'll let you know when the autopsy results come in," Billy told them. "It's a long shot, but maybe they'll tell us something. In the meantime keep me informed."

"Will do, Billy," Lee replied.

"Oh, and Amanda," Billy continued. "Could you stay behind for a moment? There's something I'd like to discuss with you in private. Lee?"

"I'll see you back in the Q-Bureau," Lee said. Amanda gave a brief nod—Lee gave his wife's shoulder a squeeze before he left, closing the door behind him.

Billy turned to Amanda. "How are you doing?" he asked her gently.

"Fine, Sir—I'm fine," Amanda said, her gaze not meeting his.

"And how are things with Jenna? Still doing the driving lessons?"

"Fine—Lee's trying to work with her as well."

"Well I can only imagine how that's going," Billy remarked drily, recalling his own misadventures in teaching his daughters how to drive. Amanda didn't reply. Enough beating about the bush, Billy thought—he decided to come right out with it.

.

"I noticed the way you looked when you mentioned Birol," he said, watching her dark eyes widen in response to the name. "This is still bothering you—isn't it? Even though it was so long ago?" For a few moments she was silent, staring down at her hands. "Amanda?"

Amanda sighed. "I thought I was over it," she admitted finally, looking up at him. "I mean, I was over it. But seeing that name again—knowing that Mrs. Murphy had been working with them and how close she'd come to our family—it just seemed to bring a lot of it back. And I know in my head that Lee's right—no evidence points towards Birol—but I can't seem to stop feeling this way."

"Believe me, I understand," Billy replied. "How have you been sleeping?"

"On and off—I have dreams sometimes—that keeps me awake."

"So this isn't doing any of you any good," Billy said. "And I'd be willing to bet this is affecting your home life in other ways—isn't it?"

Was it? Until recently she thought she'd been doing a good job keeping home and work separate—compartmentalizing—sometimes it was something you almost had to do to survive in this field—

But then Amanda remembered what her mother had said last night—the concern in Jenna's face—

Maybe she wasn't doing such a good job, after all.

"I'll take your silence as an affirmative," Billy said. "Amanda, I really think that you might want to talk to Dr. Pfaff about this—get some help before it becomes an even bigger issue."

"Yeah," Amanda spoke softly. "Yeah I think you're right."

"You and Lee are still one of the best teams this Agency has, you know—I don't want anything to jeopardize that." He patted her shoulder. "You take care of yourself, Amanda."

"I will sir—and thank you."

SMK SMK SMK SMK

12:00 PM

"Come right, in Amanda," Dr. Pfaff said. "Take a seat—or the couch, if you prefer."

"I'll take a chair," Amanda replied. He did this every single time, she thought—it was like a routine. She knew exactly what his next question would be.

"Ice cream?" he asked.

"No thanks—I'm fine." Amanda lowered herself into a nearby chair and Pfaff sat on the couch directly facing her.

"So, what can I do for you?" he asked her.

He wasn't going to make this easy—not that it was all that easy to begin with. Amanda drew in a deep breath and let it out before she began.

"It's this case," she said. "Ever since I found out that Karbala was involved—things have been—they've just been difficult."

"I see," Dr Pfaff rose from the couch. "You don't mind if I get myself an ice cream, do you?"

Amanda smiled faintly. "No, I don't mind."

"Good." Dr. Pfaff knelt beside the freezer, grabbing an ice cream sandwich. "I had a small lunch at half-past but I think I'm still hungry." He sat back down on the sofa and unwrapped the sandwich, taking a small bite. His eyes stared at her over the rims of his glasses. "Difficult in what way, exactly?"

"I've been having these dreams lately," Amanda replied. "Only I guess you'd call them nightmares, really."

"About Karbala—about Birol?" Pfaff asked. Amanda nodded. "And what do these dreams involve? Things that happened in the past?"

"Sometimes," Amanda said. "But usually they deal with Birol coming back—the things he could do to me and to my family."

"I see—and how long have you been having these dreams?"

"About—" Amanda had to think back. "I would say that the first one happened in mid-February."

"And how frequent have they been?" he asked."Weekly? Nightly?"

"Well, at first it wasn't very often," Amanda explained. "Maybe once every two weeks or so, but lately they've been worse."

"Coming more often." Dr. Pfaff nodded, as if that was the answer he'd been expecting to hear. "And how many leads have there been on Karbala recently?"

"Apart from Rendell's death, not many."

"And the death happened yesterday. Did you dream last night?"

"Yes, I did."

"Can you tell me what the dream was about?"

"It was Jenna," Amanda replied. "Birol had her—a gun to her head—he was going to kill her." As Amanda spoke the images flooded her mind:

"One squeeze," Birol had taunted her as he pulled Jenna close, his arm around her neck—the barrel of the gun jammed against her head. "One little squeeze of the trigger and it's all over for your daughter. Is that what you want, Amanda?"

"Mom," Jenna had whispered, tears rolling silently down her face. "Please—" Amanda felt as though she were frozen in place; looking over at her husband she could see his expression—the same helplessness she felt reflected there.

"Say goodbye." Birol pulled the trigger—

"So in your dream Birol actually shot her?"

"Yes," Amanda's voice trembled slightly—wiping at her eyes she was surprised to find they were wet. "I didn't actually see her fall but I heard the gun go off—I knew that he'd shot her."

"In your dream, he shot her." Pfaff said. "Is it usually Jenna in your dreams?"

"Not always—sometimes it's Mother, or the boys—different scenarios."

"Just family in general," Pfaff said. "And did your dream wake up anyone else last night?"

"Not last night, no."

She'd awoken from the dream with a start—breathing hard—her forehead damp with sweat. Beside her Lee had stirred, reminding her of where she was—that it had all been a dream. Amanda had snuggled close to him and without hesitation his arms had wrapped around her, pulling her against his chest. She'd lain there, listening to the steady sound of his heartbeat as it lulled her back to sleep….

"Have the dreams woken Lee before?" Dr. Pfaff's voice brought her back to the present.

"Once or twice, yes," Amanda said.

"What about your mother? Or Jenna?"

"No sir—not as far as I know."

"So they have no idea that something is bothering you?"

"I wouldn't say that." Amanda thought back to her mother's suggestion that she and Lee should take a vacation—the worry she'd seen in Jenna's face last night. "I think they know that something is bothering me—actually, I know that they know—they just don't know the details."

"That's understandable," Pfaff replied. "At this point it sounds like this is affecting most aspects of your life." He paused, taking a bite of his ice-cream sandwich. "The only thing I have to ask is why I'm hearing about this now when it's been going on since February."

"I just—" Amanda struggled for the right words to explain. "I thought I had gotten past all this—past the stuff with Birol—I guess that I didn't want anyone to know that I hadn't—and I thought that maybe I could deal with it on my own and no one would have to know—except that it seems to be getting worse."

"I see." The ice-cream finished, Dr. Pfaff balled up the wrapper, depositing it in the wastepaper basket. "How much of this do you think actually concerns Addi Birol?"

Amanda stared. "What do you mean? The dreams are about him."

"I understand that he's in the dreams," Dr. Pfaff replied. "But I also recall working with you after the kidnapping, Amanda—you and I dealt with that and you did get past it."

That's what she had thought too, Amanda thought to herself. "Maybe I was wrong," she said aloud. "Maybe I only thought that I'd dealt with it."

"Maybe," he said. "But personally I think you did deal with it. I don't think that's what these dreams are about—at least not completely."

"Then what are they about?" Amanda asked him.

"You said in most of the dreams that Birol is coming after your family—why do you think that is?"

Why—Amanda wasn't sure that she even knew how to answer that. "I think it might be because this is the first time that he's ever come close to my family," she said. "Before it was just me and Lee—but this is the first time I've ever felt like they've been threatened."

"You mean that this is the first time that Karbala has come close to your family," Dr. Pfaff reminded her. "Do you feel as if Karbala has targeted your family directly?"

"I don't know," Amanda responded. "I'm not sure that I could say that for certain."

"And yet that's what your dreams have been about." He leaned forward slightly. "Tell me, do you think that Colonel Clayton was targeted because of his relationship to your family?"

"No, of course not—it was because of his rank and security clearance. But he –I mean Karbala—" she corrected herself automatically—if Pfaff noticed the slip he gave no sign. "Karbala could've found out about his connection to us through the colonel."

"What Karbala discovered is that the colonel had a family nearby," Dr. Pfaff said. "That doesn't mean that they uncovered your identity or your ties to the intelligence community."

Amanda thought back to the times when the colonel had been approached—at his home—the coffee shop—the phone call at Christmastime—so many times—who knew what he might have given away during those sessions? "It doesn't mean that they didn't."

"The taped sessions show they were interested in gathering military information," the doctor continued calmly. "Any personal talk was merely used to relax the subject and lower their inhibitions."

"Yes, I know that." Amanda could hear the defensiveness in her voice, but at the same time she couldn't seem to help it. "But some of the taped sessions haven't been found yet—we still don't know everything."

"But you still think that Birol might be involved? Even though he's been in a maximum-security prison for over sixteen years?"

Amanda hesitated—put that way it did actually seem pretty flimsy. She could hear the soft tick of the clock in the background—Dr. Pfaff's eyes on her. "He might be. I know he'd hurt me and my family if he had the chance—I won't be satisfied until I know for sure."

"And if you did know for sure that Birol wasn't involved—would that stop the nightmares then?"

Would it? Part of her thought it might—at the same time everything felt jumbled and confused—Amanda couldn't quite shake the feeling that she was missing something—something obvious. In her head though, she could still see the dream image—her daughter's terrified face in front of her—Birol's gun to her head.

"Say goodbye…."

"I think it might help," she said finally. "It would help to put my fears to rest."

Silence followed—Dr. Pfaff glanced at his watch—he cleared his throat as he rose to his feet.

"I think we should end this session now, Amanda" he told her. "But I would like to continue this at some other time—perhaps this Friday—the same time?"

Amanda nodded. "I'll be there."

"Good," Pfaff replied. "In the meantime try to relax and not overwork yourself—take your mind off things as much as you can."

"I'll try, sir," Amanda told him. "And thank you."

SMK SMK SMK SMK

Q-Bureau

12:35 PM

"So what did Pfaff have to say?" Lee asked as she entered the Q-Bureau, closing the door behind her. "What did you two talk about?"

"Basically about the dreams I've been having." Amanda lowered herself onto the sofa. "The dreams about Birol—only I don't think that he believes that Birol is involved."

"Well for once we actually agree on something." Lee said as he took a seat beside his wife, taking her hands in his. "I don't think that Birol's involved in Karbala either—at least not anymore."

"Lee, it's not just that." Amanda could see the confusion in his eyes. She rushed to explain. "He said that he doesn't believe that my dreams are actually about Birol—he doesn't think that he's the issue."

"So? What do you think?"

"I really—I don't know," she said. "I mean, when I'm dreaming it seems very real—he's there—threatening my family—if it's not about him, then what is it about?"

"Honestly? Amanda, I think that you're the only one who has the answer to that."

"Somehow I knew you were going to say that."

Lee laughed softly. "Yeah." He paused, running his thumbs along the back of her hands. This wasn't going to be easy for him to say, but he had to say it. "I know that you've been having these dreams for a while now—for a lot longer than you've told me."

"You knew that?" Amanda asked softly. Lee nodded. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I guess I was waiting for you to open up—to tell me on your own," Lee replied. "What I didn't understand was why you were shutting me out."

Amanda could see the brief flash of pain in his eyes as he spoke—she'd never meant to hurt him. "I wasn't trying to shut you out, exactly," she said. "It's just all the stuff with Birol—I thought I'd dealt with it in the past—but now—"

"Oh, Amanda—" Lee gathered her into his arms. "We're in this together, remember? You and me—that's what you've always said."

"Lee, I know that—really I do." Amanda drew in a deep breath and let it out. "The thing is, it was hard for me to admit it—even to myself."

"Believe me," Lee told her. "I understand." He paused. "Have you had these problems before? Thoughts about Birol?"

"Not really, no. I mean, there were things right after it happened, and during the trial, of course—but after that not really. Pfaff gave me a clean bill of health and cleared me for duty."

"Is that why he says that the problem isn't Birol?"

"That's part of it," Amanda replied. "And to be honest, part of me thinks he could be right. It was just—seeing that name again—Karbala—and knowing how close he came to our family—it seemed to bring a lot of it back."

"Amanda—"

"I just think about what he could do to mother, or Jenna—even the boys—it's like something in my head that I can't switch off."

"There's still no evidence that points to Birol's involvement." Lee said. "And believe me—we've looked." His arms tightened around her. "Karbala's interest in the colonel was because of his rank—there's no reason why anyone in our family should be a target."

"You've said that before," Amanda told him. "Pfaff said it too—and I know that you're both probably right—I do. It's just these thoughts—I can't seem to stop them. And I tell myself that maybe they'll stop once I know for sure—but I don't know if even that will help."

"When's your next session?"

"This Friday—though I'm not sure if it'll do any good."

"Don't think like that." Lee pulled back, his eyes looking deeply into her own. "We're going to get through this—we'll get through it together. Okay, Mrs. Stetson?"

A ghost of a smile crossed Amanda's lips. "Okay, Mr. Stetson."

SMK SMK SMK SMK

4247 Maplewood Dr

9:10 PM

Her daughter.

For a moment Amanda just stood in the bedroom doorway just watching her. Jenna lay on the bed on her stomach, sock feet in the air. Straight, shoulder-length hair was tucked behind one ear, her face a mask of concentration as she stared down at her homework.

Growing up so fast, Amanda thought to herself—a lump rose in her throat. Somehow it seemed like only yesterday that she'd been a little girl—it had been only yesterday, hadn't it?

And now….

Jenna must have sensed her standing there—she looked up at her and smiled.

"Hey Mom," she said. "Just finishing this social studies stuff—I'll be done in a minute, I promise."

"You're just fine, sweetheart," Amanda walked into the room, sitting on the edge of her bed. "What are you studying now?"

"Separation of powers," Jenna replied. "You know, the Judicial, Legislative and the Executive? Mr. Atkinson divided the class up into threes and tomorrow we have to list the powers and duties of the branch we belong to and discuss what checks that branch puts on the others."

"I think I remember Phillip doing something like that in school," Amanda said. "So, which branch did you get?"

Jenna let out a sigh. "Legislative. It's a lot of stuff but I've got it all—at least I hope I do."

Amanda rubbed her back. "I'm sure you'll do just fine, sweetheart."

"Yeah." Jenna closed the book and notebook, placing both in her backpack and zipping it up. "But I'll look it over again in the morning—just to be on the safe side. Mom—can I just ask you something?"

The sudden change in subject took her aback "Sure, Jenna," Amanda said. "You can ask me anything you want."

"Is something bothering you? I mean—I don't want to pry if it's something to do with work or a case or something, but lately you've just seemed kind of tense—and sometimes I hear you walking around at night."

Jenna had noticed too—just like her mother and Lee—she thought she'd been doing a good job of hiding it—but all this time—

"I hope I'm not being nosy," Jenna continued. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to, Mom-I just wondered."

"It's a good question," Amanda told her. "And you're not prying. And yes, there has been something bothering me— and it's something to do with work."

"You can't tell me what?"

"No," Amanda smoothed Jenna's hair back from her face. "I can't give you details, but I can tell you that I'm getting help for it."

"Help? You mean from Dr. Pfaff?"

"Yes, I am talking to Dr. Pfaff."

"Well that's good," Jenna replied. "He helped me a lot—especially with sleeping. Did you know that I still do my relaxation exercises before bed?"

Amanda smiled. "No, but I think that's a good habit to get into."

"I still remember the first time I did them," Jenna said. "You held my hand so I wouldn't be scared."

"I remember that too, sweetheart."

"You can do them with me, you know," Jenna suggested. "If you want to. Maybe it'll help you sleep better."

Maybe it would, Amanda thought—a good night's sleep was definitely something that she would like to have. "I'd love to do them with you," she said, hugging her daughter briefly. "Where do we start?"

"Okay, well first we lie back on the bed," Jenna instructed. "Close your eyes—just concentrate on your breathing—slow and very deep breaths—feel your muscles relaxing as you do—everything going limp— now take a very deep breath and hold it for a few seconds—and then let it out."

Amanda held her breath and then let out the air in a whoosh. This was working—already she was starting to feel more relaxed.

"That's good," Jenna continued. "Now—starting with your leg muscles you can tense the muscles and hold it— then relax them—noticing how relaxed your muscles feel—next your arms, beginning with your hands—squeeze the muscles as tight as you can—don't forget to focus on breathing."

It really did help, Amanda thought as they worked up through the arms, the back, the chest and stomach—even the facial muscles. Until now she hadn't realized just how much tension she'd been holding there. Everything felt loose and relaxed; she imagined that her body could almost melt into the mattress itself.

"Okay—take a few minutes and just keep breathing." Even Jenna's voice sounded different now—much calmer than it had been before. "When you feel ready, you can open your eyes."

Amanda opened her eyes and sat up. Lee stood in the doorway, smiling at them.

"Hi Dad," Jenna said. "Mom and I were just doing the relaxation exercises together."

"I saw," Lee said as he entered the room. "And I think it was a good idea."

"It was an excellent idea, sweetheart—thank you." Slowly Amanda stood, Lee's arm supporting her.

Jenna smiled again. "You're welcome." Rising to her knees she gave her mom a hug. "Have a good night's sleep, okay? I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, Jenna." Amanda returned the hug. "Good night."

Lee ruffled Jenna's hair. "Night, munchkin."

SMK SMK SMK SMK

"You know, I think it's good that Jenna's still doing those exercises." Amanda sank down onto her bed.

"Couldn't agree more," Lee replied. "Anything that helps her is good."

"Yeah—managing stress—that's a really—it's a good thing." The last part of that sentence came out in a kind of half-yawn.

"Now if only she could keep to keep the car in one lane—that would be a big step."

Amanda smiled. "She'll get there, Lee—don't worry." She leaned back onto her pillow, her eyes slowly closing. So soft—a pleasant weariness began to seep into her bones. She felt Lee's arms around her, pulling her body back against his—his nearness comforted her.

"Y'know—" Amanda murmured. "I think I might sleep really well tonight."

"Well that's a good thing too." Lee said. His lips claimed her own in a brief yet passionate kiss. "Good night, Amanda—I love you."

"Love you too."

TBC