chapter 2

My legs began to feel like jelly as I ran for the washroom. I didn't know if I would make it before my stomach decided to empty its contents all over the floor. I quickly swung open the first stall door and bent over the toilet as I violently vomited up my last meal.

Once I had regained my balance and washed my face clean, the clatter of heels echoed through the room. I slowly turned my head for I already knew who was watching me. Something about the way she looked at me with those deep blue eyes made a shiver dash up my spine as she walked over to me and rested her hand on my shoulder.

"Are you sure you're okay?" JJ asked softly and instantly I began to dread the conversation. She smiled as me as I bit down hard on my red bottom lip, a true sign the something was wrong. I wasn't alright, but I couldn't tell her that. If I did, I would have to open up about Shawna and that was something that I just was not ready to disclose with anyone.

"I'll be fine. You know how these cases get to me." I didn't want to lie to her so I just twisted the truth. Yes these cases get to me, but they bother everyone else too. And I was physically fine, maybe not emotionally or mentally, but I could handle it on my own quite well.

She let out a sigh like she was not completely convinced by my explanation. "You were crying earlier, now you're crying again. What's wrong? I've known you for over five years and that's long enough to know that Emily Prentiss doesn't cry."

I turned my gaze to the mirror trying not to make eye contact with her. "Please stop." I asked my voice cracked as I tried to hold back my whimpers. "I'm going to be okay, really I am." I tried to slip on a smile to hide my real emotions, but I knew she still didn't believe me.

"You better because I don't want to lose you." Then suddenly she wrapped her arms around my waist and held tight and I couldn't help but let my eyes water once again.

Back in the bullpen, Garcia and Reid were setting up the bulletin board and emptying the boxes full of open missings cases so they could start on victimology. Rossi and Morgan had been assigned to go visit the crime scene and Hotch was in his office talking on the phone with the DC metro PD. That meant there was only one job left for me and JJ to handle. Talking with the victim's mother, who insisted she could not leave her home in case her daughter were to come back, much like I did with Shawna.

The drive to Mrs. Patterson's house was long and the tension was so thick you could cut it with a butter knife. JJ stared out the window as I drove down the unfamiliar road and side streets. As we pulled us to a tall brick apartment, I reached into my pocket and checked the address then looked over at my blonde college. Even after her eight years as liaison for our team, she still detested speaking with parents because it breaks her heart to see all the emotional pain it put them through.

Apartment 309, I knocked on the door and waited for an answer. We listened closely as the sound of light footsteps became louder, the door slowly creaked open. "Hi I'm Agent Prentiss, this is Agent Jareau, we're from the FBI. Can we come in?" I asked as both JJ and I flashed our badges. She pushed the door open the rest of the way and slowly made her way back to the couch. The black bags under her blood shot eyes and her unusually pale complexion told us how terrified she really was. She slumped down in a heap and wrapped a pink blanket around her legs as we took seats in the chairs that sat opposite to her.

Instead of letting the awkwardness set in, we began with our questions. "So was there anyone Carly trusted enough to get in a car with or follow?" JJ started.

Megan's head shot up, as if we had crossed a line. "I told the other police officers that I didn't see or hear anything." She spat as she broke into tears. "I have gone over it a thousand times in my head. I saw no one, heard no one. I wouldn't lie to you, I love my baby."

"We know" JJ consulted. "We just really want to understand what happened, thats all." She looked up to me and nodded signifying. I could ask another question, but before I could, Megan turned to me and asked me a question that stopped my heart. "Do you have any kids?"

Normally I would answer this question with the same robotic phrase "No I don't and I can't imagine what you're going through" but truth was I could. I know the pain, I felt it. The hope that someday they might come home, it's paralyzing. Losing a child is excruciatingly painful, you can't eat, can't sleep, you can't even breath without feeling it. It is always there no matter how hard you try to lock it away.

I took a deep breath and looked over at JJ. For once I was going to tell the truth, even though it hurt. "Yes, I had a daughter."

"Had one, you had a daughter?" Megan said quietly as I began picking at my fingernails.

"She was five when she was taken. Her name was Shawna and she was the sweetest little girl in the world." I couldn't help but tear up as a storm of emotions crashed my body. "It's hard but know that we're doing everything we can bring your daughter home safely." I reached out and grabbed her hand. In the corner of my eye I could see the confusing sad expression on JJ's face.

I paused for a second to let JJ compartmentalize the situation. She took a deep breath to calm down then asked Megan if we could take a look at Carly's room so we could understand her daughter better. I knew all JJ really wanted was to talk to me.

Carly's room was bright pink and frilly. There were stuffed animals scattered all over the floor, making the it look like a complete mess, but her bed was perfectly set with a white and pink striped duvet cover and fluffy, sparkly pillows of all different shades of what I imagined was her favorite color. It was everything you would expect from a five year old girl.

I walked across her room and picked up a picture of what I figured was Carly's father, it sat next to a pile of folded clothes that sat on her desk.

"You have a daughter, why didn't you tell anyone?" JJ started, she sounded upset. She closed the door before continuing.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you but…Shawna was my whole life and when they took her, I completely fell apart. Whenever I'm happy, when life is finally beginning to look up for me, something awful happens." A single drop of grief welled up from the corner of my eye.

"I'm so sorry Em." She comforted as she hugged me tight, feeling my heart retching pain. Everyone knew I had lost a lot of people in my life, but not all of them had died. Now she knows the most important one is still missing.

"It not your fault; you didn't leave her alone." I mumbled quietly as I placed the picture back on the desk

"It's not your fault ether."

"It couldn't have been anyone else's because no one ever helped me. I was always alone Jayje." That sounded so sad when I finally said it, but it was true. No one ever helped me. No family, no friends, no one. I was forced to raise my daughter on my own, whether I liked it or not.

"What happened to Shawna's dad?"

"Adam died about a month after Shawn was born. It was supposed to be a routine drug bust, but…" the moment I felt a tickle upon my pale ice cold dry cheeks, it made me gasp and suddenly, the dam broke. Heavy tears were streaming down my face.

"Oh it's okay, you can't blame yourself." JJ cooed as she patted her warm hand down the back of my head.

"What about your mother?" Those words struck like lightning to my heart.

"My mother? She hates me, when I called to tell her I was pregnant, the only thing she cared about was how my bastard child would effect her career." I remember that day like it had only just passed.

Flashback.

I sat on the couch with my feet curled up under me as I stared outside. I had held off calling her for too long because truthfully, I was scared of how she might react. I knew she would be slightly disappointed in me, but I was hoping that maybe she might be the tiniest bit proud. Her daughter was finally going to give her a grandchild.

My hand rested lightly on the baby bump that slowly began to form under my chest and I slowly rubbed my fingers in tiny circles over it while I thought about the situation. My mother was always motivated to work, otherwise known as a workaholic. All of my life, even when I was younger, she had always put her job first and her family life second. It was something that made my heart ache, that she never cared about me, like most other mother's cared about their children. Sometimes, I wondered why she even bothered having me, if she really didn't want a child.

I had been staring at the phone on the coffee table next to the couch that I was sitting on for almost 45 minutes already and I still wasn't sure about what to tell her. I knew that most mothers would probably be overjoyed that their daughter was pregnant, but not my mother. She wasn't like most mothers. All she cared about was her reputation and it hurt that she had her priorities in such a mix up.

Finally, I decided to take the chance and give her a call. What was the worst thing that she could say? That she hated me? I kind of knew that already. Picking up the phone, I found myself punching in her number in my phone. Pressing the phone to my ear, I listened, waiting to hear what her reaction could possibly be.

"Ambassador Prentiss." she greeted coldly.

My stomach went into a knot and my heart was beating rapidly out of my chest. "Hello mother."

"Emily what an unexpected surprise, how are you darling?"

"Good, Adam's good too. And you mother, how are you doing?" I asked as I twisted my hair nervously with my finger.

"Oh fine I suppose. So what is the special occasion I own this conversation too?" her tone was proper, but alarmingly flat.

"Not really a special occasion it's more that I have something I would like to tell you." I corrected causiously as I took a deep calming breath in.

"Are you too finally getting married?" she asked

"Not at the moment, mother. I'm pregnant."

All I heard was silence. She didn't speak, I wasn't even sure if she was still breathing. Then calmly she cleared her throat. "But you will be married before this child is born." She said a bit quieter as if someone was accompanying her in the room and she wished they would not overhear.

"It's getting a little bit late for that now." I knew from there on, this discussion was only going to get worse. Trying to have a conversation with a person who believes they are always right can be difficult and downright frustrating. Dealing with an argumentative individual like my mother; all it was causing was unneeded stress on the baby and I.

"How far along are you?" Now she just sounded annoyed with me, as if telling her four months ago would have changed a thing.

"Five months. I thought you might be a bit pleased. What is so wrong about having a baby before I'm married? Are you too scared that your unwed daughter having a baby will end your career, how selfish are you? Once, why can't you be happy for me?" My face was contorted in fury. I was as angry as a bull. Tears caused by my bitter frustration streamed down my cheeks .

"I'm done talking now, goodbye. Oh and don't expect any help when Adam leaves and you're all alone raising your child as a single mother." She said in a furious tone as she slammed the phone into its charger.

"I wouldn't dream of it." I pressed my finger down on the end call button then as hard as I could, I launched the phone across the room, leaving a dent in the opposite wall. I didn't understand why it hurt so terribly bad, being neglected by my own mother. I was aware that she cared very little for me or clearly anyone, but still. I decided that day, that I would prove to her that she will never be needed again. I thought I could handle a baby, even if it turned out I was alone, but I never once thought I really would be.

End flashback.

"I'm so sorry Em." JJ kept repeating as I cried. For once I didn't feel like I had to hide my emotions.

"But JJ?" I asked softly

"Yes?"

"Please don't tell the team. I don't want Strauss taking me off of the case just because Shawna is mine." JJ nodded. She knew the way Strauss would target me if she found out that we were working a case that was so personal for me. We knew that she would find a way to pin all of our mistakes on me and inevitably get me suspended, causing my team to be down a member and off our game.

Even though JJ would keep her promise, the team would find out soon enough and I will be forced to relive every second of my painful past.

what do you think, should i keep going? please leave a review!