Okay, real quick like before, so Orochimaru isn't hired to abduct me
Diclaimer: Like before, jack shit is owned by me in the way of Masashi Kishmoto's masterpiece, Naruto. Here's my own little invention. Nothing is owned by me except my opinions and my concept.
Scripty Stuff:
Flashback: Hello
Spirit or Demon or God speaking: Good Day
Regular Person: Hi
Accentuated dialogue or topic: Hiya
Immediate Effects/Actions/Greet\
Jutsu or Power (not always in Japanese): Greetings no Jutsu!
Theory or Lie with holes in it: H e l l o .
---------------------------------------Introduction----------------------------------------------------
Konohagekure
Naruto's Apartment
"Hello there, Foxchilde."
/Naruto jumps.\ High. As in, higher the ceiling high. As in, getting your gourdy head bashed through the ceiling high. As in, falling down a bad way and go boom high. This is exactly what happened, just as a result of a fairly innocent greeting, however unique.
The reason for this cataclysm was for cause of circumstance. Like Naruto being snuck up on. This at this point, is an extremely daunting task when it's Naruto, who's the main ANBU officer for minor assassinations. So his high ego and confidence in his skills makes him non-expectant of this, leading to a successful sneaking up being a massively jarring experience.
Another point of circumstance would be the fact that Naruto was expecting some creep to attack him at any moment, from any rational vantage point. See, even after several B-rank and A-rank missions, coupled with a rare S-rank mission, Naruto is extremely jumpy when it comes to being ready for some bloodthirsty bastard charging at him, exuding the urge to lop off heads and fuck mutilated corpses. Although this is extreme, Naruto visualizes this kind of character to come at him when he's expecting someone scary or weird or notorious.
A third point of circumstance is the reputation of the fellow that is expected. Naruto knows that this guy is scary, creepy, and fast. The guy passed the two checkpoints to Konohagekure with minimal intervention from the guards. This is hard to do.
Ever since Itachi and Kisame's stunt at the outposts, the regular chunin sentries were replaced with jounin privates. These guys are known to get nasty. Girl operatives are the worst because they make up for their natural weaknesses with an uncanny knowledge of nerve clusters and pressure points, as well as dirty tactics. Seeing as said character pulled that off, that made him S-rank criminal, no questions asked.
And now the jackass had found his way into Naruto's home, and there was no sign of entry. This was also expected
On his way to his apartment, he had Kyuubi aid him by lending the Pulse Finder Eyes, a demon chakra induced power that allows one to see all living within 100 meters, though all barriers -- even other living beings. Naruto only returned the power to Kyuubi when he reached his apartment door and had to find his keys, which, by the way, were considered barriers as far as the Pulse Finders knew.
This meant that the bugger either snuck into his apartment in 3.57 seconds, or that he was behind Naruto the whole time, the latter making no real sense. So, to tactfully determine the severity of his situation, he screams at the man.
---------------------------------------Introductions-----------------------------------------------------
"What the hell are you doing? Why are you stalking me?!? Where did you come from?!! And how in hell do you go about scaring people shitless with no conscience whatsoever?!?!?!!!"
"I ' m t h e j a n i t or. I w a s j u s t c o m i n g i n t o c l e a n u p. T h a t ' s a l l."
The character grins maniacally. Something is off. Alot.
"No you're not!! Eikichi is on vacation, and no one wants his job because this hotel is full of perverts, sluts, and crazy old men!! Who do you think you're kidding?!?" Naruto has trouble catching his breath.
After five years of endurance training and breathing exercises, Naruto can scale a mountain of glass, no problem. This situation is one of a few, however, where Naruto gets the shit scared out of him and forgets everything, resorting to a silly bravado and nonsensical reasoning. In short terms, he's still the same pre-teen runt under all that muscle.
"Oh, shoot. You saw through my expert web of deceit. Now I know you are a formidable foe for me. I'm quaking in my boots. My spine's shivering! My neck hairs are on end!!! My bladder is about to---"
"Could you please shut the fuck up and tell me why you're following me like some annoying fangirl?!?"
Naruto is becoming increasingly agitated. He was having a good life, the town finally stops hating him, and girls actually talk to him out of interest, and not need. Then here comes Mr. Fancy-Look-At-Me-I'm-A-Big-Fat-Fairy, swaggering his creepy way into his life, bugging his friends and waiting for him behind doors in order to probably rape him
"Hey I resent that!"
"Glad you realize that you are known as an annoying creep"
"No, I mean the Mr. Fancy-Look-At-Me-I'm-An-Ass-Bandit comments. I'm insulted. My clothes have feelings, too, y'know."
The character grimaces, and then stares off into the distance, probably wondering about some perverted fantasy.
Naruto takes time to register this guy's appearance. It was like, as Shika said, "it came out of a Sci-Fi Manga"
But even Shikamaru's high vocabulary and vocal skill couldn't express the full effect of the man's appearance.
He stands six foot four, being easily measured because the ceiling was just beyond seven feet. His physique is to be admired, for it is of a hardcore athlete, but somehow seems lithe and smooth, and has more bounce than break about his form.
His brown shoulder-length hair is neatly combed to the point where the hair seems to just flow to the back of the skull, where it is kept in a tight braid. At his razor-sharp widow's peak, a disobedient strand of hair arches gracefully to an incomplete circle, the tip nearly touching the base.
He wears a waist length chocolate cow full grain leather jacket, mostly unadorned save for a zipper, multiple pockets, and numerable buttons. Of the buttons, there were several, all pinned to the left collar of the jacket. There is a campaign button, saying I Like Ike under three different colors, a golden dragon pin, a button with a circular silhouette like a cart wheel with four spokes missing, a brass pin with the number 2020 as its statement, a pewter pin with a C and a crown adorning it, a smiley face that was curiously turned upside-down, and numerous others that Naruto has no chance of identifying in even if given an hour.
His wears a complementary pair of blackish-green pants of an unknown material, with again, an innumerable amount of buttons. However, the buttons are outnumbered by many more pockets, to the point of one believing the pants are made of pockets and buttons. The strange piece of clothing is held up by an equally strange belt. It is made out of a strange kind of reptile skin with a thickness that rivals even full grain leather. As if imitating the jacket and pants, the belt has many compartments, pockets, and slots for various potions, daggers, scrolls, and containers. This time, however, there are no buttons. Instead there is a massive buckle with flashy adornments. Substituting these are various carvings. There is a kanji for monkey, an insignia of a lightning bold coming from a cloud, a massive and intricate spiral, a pair of eyes that look like question marks, and many, many, many more. The biggest carving, and probably the most important, was the one inscribed on a piece of bluish metal smelted to the main piece. It said Or Maybe Even Here. The sword sheath attached at the side is made of a simple combination of oak and gold. The sword itself had a hilt and pommel of brass, with inset jewels and carved grotesque smiling faces.
Next looked at are the shoes. They are, again, made of full grain leather, this time black. They are big and rugged, but plain for the most part. The only adornments are the pewter tipped laces and the steel tips on the boots. There are carvings on both. The right foot's tip says Your Ass Here, and an arrow points to the left foot. The left says Or Here, and an arrow points to the belt buckle. The interesting insignia on the belt makes total sense now. And Naruto moves on to the last piece of clothing: the gloves.
The gloves are nothing special. They are fingerless, there is a hole on the back to relieve pressure on wrist and fingers, there are steel diamonds at the knuckles, and these are, like the other articles, made of leather.
His face, by far the most eye-catching feature, seems to be in a permanent smile. It also seems to have permanent tattoos on it. There is a black-rimmed red diamond that adorns the area around each eye, attracting one's gaze to the unnatural pupils. The lips are lined in the same fashion, though just being outlined, not marked with a diamond. His sallow complexion is flawless, where there isn't a tattoo, and surprisingly, there are no lines or wrinkles. The ears are pointed, with a gold chain pinned around the rim of the left ear. The man's teeth leave much to be desired, and his gums are a scary shade of maroon. However, the stranger's eyes are a captivating, if strange, shade of lemon, with a bit of navy around the edges. The whites are just that: white. And the aforementioned pupils; normal, until you look closely and see that they are in the shape of a blocky compass rose.
As the character seems to be clearing his thoughts, Naruto steps back, at ease now, for an assassin would have attacked earlier, a fanboy would have started a conversation and/or pounced on him, an ANBU would have stated his/her business fully by this time, and a new neighbor would go a mile a minute before stopping, which clearly doesn't apply to this person.
"Glad you finally stopped talking before thinking. I thought it would take longer."
"I have grown beyond my idiocy, thank you."
"Your actions say otherwise. For instance, what about the incident with your mission in are 44? I thought the girl would never recover."
"Hey, I told my clones to fuck the target up a little, and then bring her back for questioning. I didn't know they were going to disobey me and bang the living shit out of Anko, and then bring her back. That's not my fault!"
"Oh yes it is. You just didn't pay attention to the side notes of Secret Scroll when you learned the Kage Bunshin no Jutsu. It says that shadow clones are named so for the fact that they are essentially shadows of the deepest desires of your soul. They listen intently to your orders, or follow your strong emotions as guidance. That said, they know they are temporary on this earth, and will look for loopholes in your commands so they can have fun. Your tactical blunder is case in point."
"And because of Anko being a sex-starved perv for some reason, she returns from this unscathed and spreads rumors of your "prowess" to any girl with an equally strange mind, leading to your fangirl/boy problem."
"The few parents who caught wind of this -- who knew of various jutsus, of course, excused you for your idiocy at that point and looked to the underneath the underneath. They noticed your good morals, the fact that the girl wasn't killed by your overly passionate clones meant that even deep down in your little head, you wouldn't kill an innocent, the fact that Anko's warped mind was not perverted any further by your clones meant that even your unbridled passionate side will not harm without reason means you are a gentleman at your core, and the fact that there were about fifteen clones in action at the time means that you have a good amount of power, and therefore have the ability to protect those you love. This makes you a perfect, if insatiable, suitor in the eyes of the wiser parents. Hence why they were chasing you."
"Word got out further, gay-boys started flocking, for some very strange reason -- don't ask, I don't know their minds. And, of course, you have these few wierdos chasing you, but thankfully there are just a few."
"Then there are the regular troublemakers. These worms and curs believe in power coming from attractiveness, strength, and sex appeal. They go about acting like they are total badasses, when lo-and-behold, they hear of you, a guy who is said to be naturally gifted in, ah, well, you know. Anyways, they feel exceedingly uncomfortable. You are making them look bad, and you aren't being crucified for your actions, despite various situational pitfalls, which makes their lousy antics look like that of a bumbling drunk's. Add to that your improving fashion sense, your easily earned rank, and your mission completion record and you have the makings of somebody who pisses them off just by word-of-mouth. And that's the backstory of your thug problem."
"In conclusion, all your extensive fame problems stem from one really weird incident that was indirectly, but totally, your fault."
Naruto smirks.
"Wow. That's an interesting point. And I thought you were just here to kill me. You must be a walking advice column. How impressive"
"Hey now, I just thought you would like to know where this stalker problem comes from. And on the subject of hired mercenaries wanting to kill you; your sorry ass would be easy to find if you are constantly being stalked, followed, talked about, etc."
"I'm actually getting tired of this. Point being I'm trying to find a girlfriend to settle down with. It's just all I find are either really slutty creeps whose minds are warped or these frilly schoolgirls who don't even maturely grasp the concept of kissing, much less full-blown romance."
"Well, your reputation so far has screwed you in that factor. You need to get away from here for a while, so you can relax and think."
"Are you some sort of eccentric door-to-door salesman. 'Cause I'm not buying."
"I'm talking about going somewhere for no charge. You just need to walk a little to get there. There are no strings attached. You want to return? You can when you want to. My offer stands for three days. Until you've made up your mind, I'll be free-loading on your sofa. I don't eat much, so don't seal your refrigerator up with lead. Now -- to the sofa!"
The odd man, as was his word, went to the couch. He lies down and silently and instantly falls asleep, before Naruto can get in a good word. Naruto lets out a sigh of exasperation.
"This is going to be a long day. Better go talk to Tsunade. That old onna should know enough to deal with loony bastards like this one."
Naruto shunshins to Lady Tsunade's living quarters, making sure not to alert any passerby to his presence. He gets there successfully and without incident.
Tsunade's Living Quarters
Tsunade is always busy filing papers and filling out various forms of varying degrees of importance on weekends. Today is a weekend. That said, Naruto, even though he is at the door, is not noticed. Naruto knocks. All that he hears is rustling papers and the scratching of a pen. He knocks louder. Now heard inside is the shuffling of drawers being closed. He bangs on the door. Still no response.
He unceremoniously kicks the double doors wide open, not breaking them despite Naruto's strength. The story behind this is long and not important to the situation, so we are left with the hunch that it involves Jiraya, Tsunade's strange temper, and a jug of sake. Moving on.
Tsunade finally looks up and acknowledges him. She doesn't look the least upset. In fact, she looks rather happy. Or tipsy.
"Oh, hello Naruto. Thank you for visiting. You probably want to talk to me about something right? Before we may talk, I need you to help me file away these historical documents. They are highly important and are overflow from the Leaf Shinobi Archives. These are records of every single notable moment and advance from the last twenty years. Be careful. I just got done with the files for the first three. Don't mess around with them."
"Tsunade, you haven't changed. Sure, I'll help."
Tsunade really has not changed much at all over the course of four years. She still gets pissed the same way. She still yells the same way. She punches a little harder, but that's the only constant noticeable change in her. She's still as pretty. Still as icy. Even her wardrobe hasn't changed visibly.
She wears the same green gambling jacket. Also, the same sky-blue shirt. Same navy skirt. Same sandals. The only difference in her wardrobe, if you really needed to know, would be the fact that she wears thongs on a random day of the month. After that, there is no difference in her appearance as of yet.
Her temperament has softened a bit, what with Naruto constantly sending her gifts and Jiraiya dropping in on the odd occasion to help her work out stress problems. Tsunade is a strong woman, but every strong woman needs a strong man, and vice versa, of course.
But filing work isn't more fun, even with company. The rest of the night dragged, until Naruto used shadow clones to speed it up, and then it just dragged faster.
Then, after almost eight hours, they were done and on to the meat of the matter: moaning about problems. They do this whenever the filing goes way too quickly. The current record is 36 hours and seventeen minutes; Orochimaru infested yet another body, but unfortunately he encountered a problem that he never came to think would ever plague him because of what he was.
See, he chose the body of a Hanyou, which is fine, if a unique choice. It was low ranked enough, but there was some struggle. The big problem was that Orochimaru had no experience with demonic society or taxonomy, so he didn't know much about demon apart from its name and elemental affinity. It turned out that the Hanyou was a girl. That's right. That. Demons live longer than humans. Their endurance is longer, their mental capacity, and even bodily cycle of demons are longer than humans. Orochimaru had PMS for three years. This built up stress like a bitch and drove him to manipulating several warlords into attacking Konohagekure. The siege was long and brutal. Very few casualties were had on the side of the Leaf Shinobi, but the injuries were severe. Only Sasuke's very suicidal tactics saved the day.
The way that this is connected with paperwork is the fact that the damages were so extensive that teams 7, 10, and 8 were needed to complete the job. People ached for weeks. The only upside to the situation would be that Orochimaru, after those foul three years, possessed the body of a tipsy monk to escape the torture of the Nibi's bodily cycles.
Now, back to the complaints and piss-and-moan-ing. Tsunade starts.
"Oh my god. I thought the first pile was big. Half of the seventh pile broke my foot in nineteen places when I slipped. Why did the Hyuugas have to have a three month celebration when Hiashi only witnessed Hinata using Byakugan?! The costs, expenses, and damages must have been the equivalent of the Third giant rodent infestation and the locust famine of 473 combined!!! I swear, I'm going to put a damper on parades and the size of food orders during the spring and summer festivals if one of the clans pull a similar stunt."
"Okay Tsunade, but that was twelve years ago. There are problems right now. That are worse."
"Like what? I haven't seen something that would frighten me as much as historical paper work or blood. How bad could it be?"
"Oh let's see: there is the fangirls, to be sure. The fanboys are twice as irritating. The parents don't try to look for me as a person, but as a good husband for their Little Precious. The annoying troublemakers are a thorn in my side on a Sunday morning --"
"That's bad, but I don't see it being a true problem. From what I've heard, it's just a moderately exasperating nuisance."
"Yes, but my fame attracts this weird stalker guy who's currently freeloading on my couch."
"Okay, that may be a problem. Can you take me to him? I may know who you're talking about."
"Alright, but be careful. He got past the checkpoints, no problem. He also got in my house without a sound, and I checked!"
Naruto takes Tsunade to his apartment. There is an odd smell coming from upstairs as they reach the lobby. It isn't a foul odor, or an overly pleasant one. Just odd.
When they get to the ninth floor, there is a heavy green mist crawling along the carpet, seeping out from under, and oddly enough, above the door. The door looks gnarled and twisted, as if it had grown there. The lock is just barely discernable amongst all the ripples and perversions in the wood. The peeping hole above the number nine has now the glistening aspect of a lion about it, with the open maw surrounding the opening. The copper knob of the door has now been twisted to resemble a viper's eye.
Naruto opens the door. As they step in, they observe that nothing has really changed. The lights, however, did not have that fate. They came in colors of green, red, black, and white. The holders for the bulbs had gotten twisted into the shape of a creature's claw, as if representing something or another. Then they proceed to the sofa.
Tsunade observes that the sofa looks far less hideous than it was. Before, it looked like Ino's wardrobe had puked on it. Now it looked more gothic. The overall color is green plaid, with the plain maroon pillows. The frame now is made out of cherry wood, with the face of lions and dragons carved at various angular points, with the areas in between filled with carved fronds and fruits. And the sleeper seemed to match the sofa.
He looked happy and at peace in his sleep, as if there wasn't a looming danger. And there is now. As Tsunade reaches out to shake him awake, he mumbles something, she leans in to hear what he's trying to say.
" 'et meh skee ye /mumble\"
"What?"
"Let mee skee y' beh/mumble mumble\"
" 'Let you' what?"
"Lehht meeee squee yeehhhhhhhhh teeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh/mumble mumble mumble\"
"Let you 'squee' what?"
Tsunade practically has her ear on his lips now.
"Leeehhht……"
"Yes?"
"Meeeeeeeee………."
"Uh huh."
"Squuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—"
"Yes, yes; what is it that you want?"
"Let. Me."
"Let you what already?!?!!"
Tsunade is starting to lose her temper. Naruto notices that the guy seems to be baiting her. Naruto also notices the strangers eyes seem to be opening. Only, they are opening behind Tsunade, not on him. Then an outline forms. The outline becomes clearer rapidly. It fills out as if a fog is clearing.
Hands raised, eyes open, and a smirk on his face, stands the strange man. When he is fully revealed, he begins to open his mouth.
"Ts-Tsu-Tsunade! It's a du--"
The stranger interrupts.
"Let me squeeze-your-tits!"
The perverted sneak grabs Tsunade from behind, grasping her bosoms, spins her to face him, and then kisses her full on the mouth. In a flash, he makes for the window, back flips through it, and swan dives to the below, laughing like the devil himself gone free. Naruto rushes to the window, only to be nailed by a speeding playing card that lodged slightly in his forehead.
Naruto winces as he plucks the card from his head and looks it over. It is a joker card, with an illustration of the stranger in a jester outfit, giving a rose to a woman. It seems ordinary, but when the small amount of blood on the card mixes with the illustration, the man's clothes change and woman's appearance changes. The woman changes into Tsunade, blushing violently. Then she disappears from the card, and the picture of the man turns to face him. Then he shrinks, but does not disappear. Text scrolls up from the bottom.
It reads: I AM HARLEQUIN!
And in smaller print: Meet me at the center of the Forest of Death. Topside. Be here by noon and you will know reprieve.
Naruto sighs and turns to Tsunade. Like on the card, she is blushing a very deep red. Naruto goes to see she's okay.
"Tsunade? Are you okay?"
"I'm alright. /regains composure\ Just was in shock for a moment. Who was that character? Not even the most drunken man has done that to me, not even at Spring Festival! Yet here comes this lunatic who does so without a second glance. Or a goodbye!"
"The goodbye is actually pinned to your shirt. With a smiley face."
Tsunade pulls off the pin and reads the card. She turns red again-- even deeper than before. She sighs and puts it in her pocket. The smiley face button, that is.
"You'd better do what he says. He makes out to be a rather convincing, if suicidal, person"
"And you said you were going to throw him out the window. He did that without your help."
"Speaking of which; after that idiot jumped out your window, it seems like you need rep- /looks at the window\ -airs."
"What is it?"
"He fixed the window. Strangely."
Naruto turns and observes what had happened behind him. In place of the hole was a wooden border framing the exact shape of the gap. There is a golden plaque covering the "hole". It reads: HARLEY WUZ HEER. Again, this is where Harlequin's strange sense of humor manifests at the right moment. The fact that the print is in a very eloquent font makes it even funnier.
"Well, at least he fixes what he breaks. That's one reason to follow him. And there are a hundred to not. I'll meet him there; the least I can do is humor him."
"You do that. I'll watch."
"If you bring along company, make sure it's not too large; The Forest's creatures are always up to a feast. And make sure to keep your charka outlet low. Ever since those Graveyard Moths moved in, it's becoming a pain in the ass to just breathe in that forest without nine of the buggers swarming you."
Tsunade leaves, accidentally dropping the card she was given. Naruto sighs, closes the door, walks to his bed, lies down, shuts his eyes, and falls fast asleep.
----------------------------------------------To Be Continued-----------------------------------------
Phew! That was long! Can't wait for Easter Vacation to get started!
What? You don't know? I'll tell you then.
See, every weekend, I've been practically living on this computer. I do get my work done, and my school work isn't too shabby. But I need more obsessions than this, and my dad, fearing the worst, has decided to put a crackdown on my obsession over this computer. Therefore, this chapter in this series is going to be the last for a long while.
Don't despair! I'll try to keep in touch when I can! If I can.
Please do this, and do know that the first poll is officially over. If you didn't participate, too bad. Now you know who the stranger is, but we still aren't sure what he wants. That will be revealed in the third chapter. PLEASE review! I love my fans and do enjoy them offering critique. Please do poll. Popularity on this site is everything to me. So please poll. And if you have issues, or admire my writing style, please visit my profile, the link to which is found at the top in big blue letters, and send a private message to me. I always reply, I try to be nice, and I always read what you write.
Please note that this is M rated, now. That means blood, gore, violent fights, sex, cursing, and violent sex. I have succeeded in the cursing, sex (doesn't always mean lemons galore), gore (chap 1, not that noticeable), and violence (chases, action, heated angry dialogue, etcetera). Now I will move on to the daunting task of writing a third chapter. I'm planning a total of twenty-five, so there will be plenty of chapters and content for all!!!
I love you! Review! (nice rhyme again)