Author's Note:
Thank you for the support! Can't believe so many people favorited, followed and left a review! I replied to everyone's review at the bottom. This is a MEREDITH AND DEREK STORY. There was some concern amongst reviewers and I thought that I'd clear it up now. I know that Derek too is being an ass, but he WILL get better. I promise!
Also, I'm not sure how often I will be updating, but please don't expect it to be this quickly in the future.
ALL ERRORS ARE MY OWN. SORRY!:(
Thank you!
H4TG
Chapter II
"…Everybody hurts some days
It's okay to be afraid
Everybody hurts Everybody screams
Everybody feels this way
And it's okay…"
~ "Everybody Hurts" – Avril Lavigne
June 23, 2005
Meredith smiled to herself as she walked down the hallway.
Her morning had been good so far. There had been no one on the ferry this morning when she'd left for work and traffic had been relatively light at four in the morning. She'd gotten a cup of coffee and everything felt wonderful around her. She was slowly becoming friends with Yang and Izzie. George was sweet and had a crush on her, but despite that she liked him. The only problem was that they didn't quite fill the hole in her chest that was hemorrhaging. She missed her family out East. She missed Mark and Addison and the Friday dinners that they always had. She missed Manhattan and the busy city. More than anything, Meredith missed the home that she'd built with Derek. She missed the Brownstone near Central Park. They'd built a life in that townhouse that had become home. Pictures had been hung on walls and they'd celebrated Christmas in the living room with their family. There was a normalcy about that house that she craved.
"So, think you'll get stuck on Shepherd's service today?" Cristina asked as they stood at their lockers getting ready a few minutes later.
"I hope not," Meredith admitted truthfully. She was having a good morning and Derek would ruin it for her. She still had no idea why he was acting the why he was and Meredith wasn't so sure she wanted to know. Her husband was like a bear and she had no intention of poking the bear with a stick.
"God, he is such an ass."
"Maybe he improves on further acquaintance," Izzie supplied before Meredith could say anything. "He's married so he must be nice to someone."
"Shepherd? No." Cristina said with the shake of her head, "I'll bet you anything that his wife married him for his money. Who the hell would want to be married to an ass like him? Forget McDreamy, he is a McAss."
Meredith silently answered that she was married to him and that Derek wasn't always an ass. At the moment, he was her jackass. Closing her locker, she followed Izzie and Cristina towards the door and continued to listen.
"At least McDreamy is a hot jackass," Cristina said mockingly. "The universe works in strange ways. Bet you he's a ten in the sack like the he has you screaming kinda sex."
Meredith nearly snorted as she turned the corner. Izzie had given Derek the name 'McDreamy' and the name had stuck. Everyone had begun to call him that behind his back and the beauty of it was that Derek would never know who they were talking about. Keeping her eyes down, Meredith saw a pair of black Nikes and came to a halt. Derek nearly ran into her and Meredith's eyes went wide hoping that he hadn't heard what Cristina had been saying. She liked Yang. Meredith liked how up front and unapologetic she was. It was going to make Cristina an amazing surgeon, but Meredith was already on Derek's shit list for some unknown reason and she didn't want to give him anymore reason to keep her at number one because that was pretty much where she was.
"Y-y-you're here early," Meredith stammered as she turned down the hallway and moved away from the door so none of the other interns could hear their conversation. The only person who knew about their marriage was Bailey, who had been surprisingly understanding about the whole thing. Maybe it was because Derek was being such an ass to her and Bailey felt sorry, Meredith wasn't sure. All she knew was that Bailey had sworn not to tell others about their marriage and it made her breathe a little easier.
"I have a chordotomy at five," Derek answered as walked beside her in the hallway and sipped on his coffee. "Did you have breakfast before you came, Doctor Grey?"
"Why?" she asked as she gathered her hair into pulled it into a ponytail.
All the while, Meredith was trying to figure out if he'd been awake this morning when she'd been having her morning cry in the shower. It was actually very therapeutic. but the thought that Derek had been awake to hear such a thing was mortifying. She had been certain that he'd been asleep. He'd been lying on his stomach with a pillow tucked under his head and the sheets around his waist. Despite all the changes in their live, the one thing that hadn't changed was the fact that Derek slept naked. It was like being a sugar addict in a candy store and being told not to eat anything. Coupled with the fact that Derek hadn't touched her in months, Meredith was starving for physical affection. That kiss from the British biker still burned on her lips, but she wanted more, so much more. She wanted Derek's hands on her body and she wanted him kissing every inch of her skin. There was a pleasure that she craved that only Derek could give her release from and he was denying her it. Pushing those thoughts away quickly, Meredith looked up at him as they walked down the hallway.
"Just curious," he answered with a shrug. "I swore I smelt grilled cheese this morning when I was in the shower."
"I had the other half of the sandwich that I didn't eat last night." Meredith admitted as they came to stand in front of the elevator. "Satisfied? I warmed it up in the microwave. That's probably where the smell came from."
Derek winced dramatically before hitting the button for the elevator. "That's sad. Actually, it's pathetic. I don't know how you eat as bad as you do and remain as skinny as you do. I've never figured that out in the six plus years I've known you. How do you not have diabetes with all the candy and crap you eat? Hell, what is your blood pressure? You're not going to keel over in an O.R. from a heart attack, are you?"
Meredith narrowed her eyes at him for a moment. His words weren't the usual teasing that he gave her right before he handed her a chocolate bar and a kiss. In New York, Derek had been an enabling partner in crime when it came to her chocolate addiction. Now, his words sounded serious. Standing there with him, Meredith felt incredibly self conscious of her body.
"Thank you, Doctor Shepherd, for your wonderful words of wisdom. Enjoy your chordotomy, you're going to be late for it," she told him quietly and before Derek could say another word, Meredith walked away. She slipped her hand into her lab coat pockets and could feel the wrapper to a chocolate bar in her pocket. Oh, she much rather have tequila, but being married meant that she had to be responsible. Instead of drinking, she'd taken up eating chocolate. The perfect morning feeling that she'd been having felt as if it had come to a screeching halt and she was sure that her day was probably going to be worse.
"I think it's a tumor," Meredith said as she stood next to Derek. He scrubbed into Jorge Cruz's surgery and watched the man on the table.
"Just because you hear hooves beats don't think it's a zebra," he told her in an annoyed tone as he moved towards the O.R. He wore the ferry boat scrub cap that she'd bought him for his birthday after he'd become an attending years before. At 35, Derek was still as handsome as he'd been at 29 when she'd met him. The fact that there was a nine year age difference between them hadn't seemed so trivial in the past, but it made Meredith wonder now. She would be twenty-seven in a matter of weeks and she wondered if Derek would even remember. He'd ignored her on his birthday and hadn't even thanked her for the beautiful antique ferryboat miniature she'd spent hours looking for online and around Seattle. He kept the damn thing in a small box in a drawer in his office and it annoyed her.
"I still think he has a tumor," Meredith argued as she crossed her arms over her chest. "You can say it's a zebra, but everything his wife said coupled with what happened today…this all points to a tumor."
"That will be all, Doctor Grey," Derek sighed as he stepped into the O.R. "Find Bailey to give you a new case."
Meredith barely stopped herself from rolling her eyes. There was an overwhelm urge from deep inside at that moment that she wanted to hit Derek with something extremely heavy. She remembered Bailey's words about Derek wanting to limit her time in neuro to the bare minimum. There had once been a time when Derek had admitted out loud that the idea of her in the O.R. with him drove him crazy with arousal. Watching her husband step up to the table and speak softly with Jorge Cruz, Meredith wondered if he still felt that way about her.
Did he still think of her in that way?
Was there any part of him that was remotely even attracted to her or had that died in the past few months?
Stepping out of the scrub room, Meredith walked away from the O.R. with the resolve that she would prove herself right. Once Derek took those nails out, she was going to prove that his patient had a tumor. He thought it was horses, but she knew that it zebras. It had to be zebras. Pushing past a few people, Meredith came to stand next to Bailey as they waited together outside the elevator.
"He kicked you out?" Bailey asked with a raised brow, "I didn't think he was really serious."
"I've given up trying to figure out what he thinks," Meredith replied. "I've given up on a lot of things. Figure out what men thinking is on that list."
"Don't know why it was on your list of things to figure out in the first place."
Not wanting to be beside Bailey and having to talk about Derek, Meredith turned and walked towards the stairwell. Climbing until she reached a landing, she fished out her cell phone and quickly dialed Addison's number. She breathed a sigh of relief when Addison answered on the second ring.
"I thought about what you said," Meredith announced without preamble. "You asked me how I felt about Derek and what I wanted to do. Here's the truth, Addie. I love him. I love him so much that it hurts, but I don't think that he feels that way about me anymore. I don't think that he loves me. You're going to suggest going and seeing a therapist next and I'm going to answer that honestly as well. I don't think that it would help."
"Oh, Meredith," Addison sighed. "Why?"
"In order for a marriage to work, two people have to want it badly enough and Addison, Derek just doesn't want it. I know that I shouldn't speak for him, but I can see it in his eyes. I can tell that he just isn't happy and I don't think that therapy would work. How can it Addison when he won't even be in the same room with me longer than necessary?" Meredith said tearful as she leaned against the cold cement wall. "God, you would think I had the black plague or something! He hasn't even kissed me or anything in months."
"You two haven't had sex in how long?"
"Since before Thanksgiving, I think."
Addison let out a whistle over the phone, "Seriously?"
"It's pathetic. I'm pathetic! We moved here and I spent the first month of our stay here planning on exactly how I wanted our new house to look Addison! I went through magazine upon magazine to find everything I wanted. I planned everything from what furniture I wanted to how the freaking flowerbeds would look! I planned everything because I thought that things would change and they haven't! They've only gotten worse and I am pathetic."
"No you're not, Meredith. Just give it a little bit more time. I know your birthday is coming up. Maybe Derek will have something planned then. You just…have to have a little bit more faith."
"You and I both know that is wishful thinking and a load of crap."
"Maybe so, just hang on a little while longer. Give it another few weeks and if things don't improve, I will fly out there to help you start the paperwork, okay? I promise, just give Derek a few more weeks to get his head out of his ass."
Meredith suppressed a sob as Addison murmured comforting words over the phone before they disconnected. Crouching down and covering her face with her hands, Meredith let herself cry for a few minutes before she stood up and put her shoulders back. Mark would tell her to grow a pair and stand up for herself. She was damn good doctor and he'd boasted to everyone who'd listen saying that she'd studied under him and therefore, she was going to be a great. She was right about the tumor, even if Derek thought she was wrong. Meredith knew that she was right.
June 28, 2005
"You wanna tell me what the hell is going on with you and your wife?"
Derek looked up as he scrubbed out of surgery and stared at Richard Webber. The man was a mentor to him and if Derek hadn't met Richard, he would have never met Meredith. He could still remember seeing the pretty girl is a soft blue dress walking across the ballroom of the Plaza Hotel carrying a bottle of champagne and glasses. The dress had hugged her curves as she'd moved through the crowd. Meredith had come to congratulate her godfather on his award years ago while Derek had only been there to support his mentor alongside Addison and Mark. He'd been blown away by the girl in the evening gown. He'd fallen for her hook, line, and sinker. There had never been a chance to fight back and Richard had known it. He'd known before even Derek had figured out that he loved her.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Derek said stubbornly. He wasn't ready to hash out the whole problem to Richard Webber of all people.
"You and your wife! Jesus, Shep! The whole hospital can feel the tension. I heard her crying in the stairwell and you've banned her from all your surgeries. Limiting her time in the neuro O.R.! Jesus, Shepherd! She's brilliant and bright! She could easily be one of the best neurosurgeons in the country by your side and you're pushing her out of surgeries!"
Derek didn't say anything because Richard was right. Meredith was one of the best. She had the drive and the potential that not many had. The only thing was that Derek wasn't willing to tell Richard what had happened in New York. He wasn't going to tell his mentor how his wife broke up his best friend's marriage. Even after five months, the anger was raw and he hurt for his brother. Mark hadn't been returning his calls and Derek wondered just how far in the bottle the man was. Richard would try and talk him into believing that Meredith wasn't responsible for the breakup, but she was. She'd talked Addison out of being married to Mark and that was unforgivable in his eyes. Mark worshiped the ground Addison walked on and he'd been devastated when the red head had walked out of their marriage. Derek had spent so much time trying to put Mark back together and help him through the breakup.
"I am not favoring her," Derek almost snarled as the water shut off. "She's learning just like the rest of them."
"Meredith knows more than all those other interns out there. God, if only we could combine her and Yang's brains."
"Did you just come here to talk about Meredith or is something that you actually need?"
Richard looked annoyed for a moment before he sighed and rested his hands on his hips, "You and Meredith have any plans for her birthday this year? It's coming up soon. End of this mouth or did you forget?"
Derek looked at Webber and remembered what else was coming up soon. He and Meredith were going to be celebrating seven years of marriage in a matter of weeks, but thinking about marriage made him think about Mark and Addison. The thought of marriage left a sour taste in his mouth and thinking about his own brought up a whole bundle of feelings that he didn't want to think about.
"Adele and I want to take you and Meredith out for dinner for her birthday. You've both been working none stop it feels like and Adele and I want to give you guys a nice night out on the town. Have a little fun! Live a little!" Richard continued with a grin. "I'm sure whatever is going on between you and Meredith will blow over."
Derek nodded, but he wasn't so sure. He wasn't sure how to look at Meredith and not feel betrayed that she'd ruined something that Mark had loved so much.
"You'll have to talk to Meredith. She's good with all the calendar stuff," Derek replied giving the answer that he gave to anyone who asked about making plans. Meredith was always good at knowing when to accept and decline an invitation for dinner. He hoped that she declined Webber's offer because Derek had no desire to sit and act happy when he wasn't. Richard nodded and left the scrub room as Rose, Derek's favorite scrub nurse, walked in. The woman was quiet and she kept to herself. Both traits Derek liked to have in the O.R., but Rose also had a sense of humor that he enjoyed.
"Are you in trouble?" she asked with playful smile. "I saw the chief talking to you."
A small smile came to Derek's lips as he crossed his arms over his chest, "The chief wants to take me and my wife out for her birthday."
"Ouch," Rose winced. "That doesn't sound fun. A night out with Webber? No, thank you."
"It probably won't be as fun as surgery," Derek agreed. "My wife is Doctor Webber's goddaughter. She'll be right at home with him."
"But you won't?" Rose asked with an arched brow as she began to scrub out.
Derek shrugged, "I do what makes my wife happy. Haven't you heard the whole 'Happy wife, happy life' think? It is true. They don't tell you that before you get married though."
Rose stared at him for a moment and without thinking, Derek stepped forward so that they were nearly chest to chest. She had pretty dark eyes and he felt a pull. His body was aching for something and he didn't know how to clench the ache that had been building up for weeks on end. Relief was all he needed, Derek just didn't know how to obtain the relief that he so desperately wanted.
"Do what makes you happy, Derek." Rose whispered as she looked up at him. "Don't do anything less than that. You deserve the best and you deserve to be happy."
Impulsively, Derek cupped Rose's cheeks and kissed her. He wasn't sure why he'd done it, but a part of him yearned for the physical contact. He hadn't kissed someone in months and he wanted to know what it felt like to feel human again. Rose's lips melted against his and just for a moment she was stiff in his arms. The next heartbeat, she was relaxed against him and her fingers were running through the hair at the nap of his neck.
Just like Meredith did when she kissed him…
The thought caused Derek to yank himself away from Rose. He wasn't sure what the hell he was thinking, but he knew it was wrong. What he was doing was wrong and despite the fact that he'd just scrubbed out, Derek felt dirty.
"That wasn't supposed to happen," he murmured. "I'm so sorry."
Rose looked like she was in a daze at she stared at him. Turning, Derek stalked out of the scrub room and yanked his scrub cap off. His whole world felt like it was spinning out of control and he wondered exactly what to do to make the feeling stop. Running a hand through his hair, Derek found an empty on-call room and locked the door behind him. Throwing himself onto the bed, he stared at the ceiling and tired to come up with any excuse as to why kissing Rose was okay. Instead, all he could hear was Meredith's soft voice in his head asking why he was so hell bent on ruining the best thing that had ever happened to him.
He'd already experienced the temporary horror of nearly losing everything and it wasn't a memory he wanted to repeat anytime soon…
Derek threw his coat down on the king sized bed and sat on the edge of it. Christmas was only a few days away and the cheer outside was beginning to wear on his nerves. He could only listen to Christmas carols for so long before he wanted to drive nails into his ears. The wind outside was beginning to pick up and the snow was beginning to fall quickly as the storm that the forecasters had predicted inched closer to the city. It promised them a white Christmas.
He'd been thankful to get home early and he wasn't on call that night. Derek was anticipating a quiet evening at home with his wife. It was all he wanted. He'd already picked up dinner which was downstairs warming in the oven and he'd gotten a good bottle of wine to go with the chicken from their favorite restaurant. Both he and Meredith were going to need a good bottle of wine because he wanted to talk to her. For the past few weeks, Meredith had been off and he was worried about her. She'd thrown herself into studying for her finals and she'd done exceptionally well. Hell, she was at the top of her class and he was proud of her, but he was worried. Mark told him not to worry, but Meredith wasn't sleeping and she was running herself ragged. All she seemed to do was either study or help Addison with the red head's research. Slipping his expensive watch off, Derek set it down on the nightstand at his bedside. He slipped his tennis shoes and socks off before changing out of his scrubs into a pair of flannel pajama pants and an NYU t-shirt. Going to the bathroom door, Derek knocked a moment before calling out for his wife.
"Meredith?"
Hearing no response, Derek turned to move away, but stopped. A feeling that he got in the O.R. was beginning to settle in the pit of his stomach and it was always right before a patient coded. Turning the door handle, Derek looked around the door at the bathtub. He couldn't see the top of Meredith's head in the water and his heart froze. Stepping into the bathroom, he called out Meredith's name again and waited. Walking to the edge of the tub, he looked down to see Meredith slumped over. Panic rose in his chest and it turned the blood in his veins to ice. Her face was towards the water and he couldn't tell if she was breathing. Not caring if his arms got wet, Derek grabbed her upper arms and hauled her thin frame up from the water. Meredith's eyes flew open and she looked startled. His heart pounded in his chest, but it was clear from the bleary look in her eyes…she'd been sleeping.
"What are you doing?" he breathed in a worried tone as her muscles came to her aid so she could stand.
"Taking a bath," she mumbled tiredly. "What are you doing, Derek?"
"Hauling my wife out of the water so she doesn't drown," he said in a worried tone as he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her thin frame. "Sleeping in the tub is a horrible idea. What are you doing?"
"I didn't intend to fall asleep."
Derek looked at her tired eyes and knew that she was sincere. She hadn't meant to do it, but his heart hadn't quite stopped pounding in his chest at the thought of finding his wife face down and unconscious in the bathtub. It was as if his whole world had nearly collapsed in a heartbeat and he didn't like even the idea of losing her. It sent chills through his body and his heart ached in pain at just the thought of her dying. Cupping Meredith's cheeks, he stared at her tired bluish-green eyes for a moment before softly kissing her lips for a moment.
"Please don't scare me like that again," Derek murmured after breaking the kiss. "You were slumped over and I couldn't tell if you were breathing or not. I think you took ten years off my life."
"Sorry," Meredith said with an apologetic smile. "I didn't mean to. I won't accidentally die on you by drowning myself in the tub, I promise."
Derek took her in his arms. She smelt of lavender and vanilla. It was a scent that he wanted to keep around him always. Just breathing in her scent was enough to calm his pounding heart.
"Please, can we not even joke about that?" Derek murmured as he drew back to look at her blue-green eyes. Sometimes, he didn't think she quite understood how much she meant to him. She was his whole world and the love of his life. Sloan constantly teased him about using the phrase 'love of his life'. Mark just didn't understand that Meredith was it for him. If he lost her, Derek was sure he'd never be able to love another person again. She was the brightest star in his universe and she was his sun. If he lost her, he had nothing…
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Derek wasn't sure what to think anymore. He loved Meredith. There was no question of it. He loved her, but he couldn't seem to forgive her for interfering with Mark's marriage. There was anger inside of him that he'd never experienced before and it was directed at his wife. It almost felt like he wanted to make Meredith suffer for what she'd done to Mark. Oh yes, she was the love of his life, but Mark was his best friend since they were children. Meredith couldn't erase the twenty plus years of friendship that existed between him and Mark. Just knowing that she had helped Addison leave Mark made him quake with fury. Mark had been doing so well. He'd let people in and being with Addison had made him a better doctor and a man, but Addison had stepped on Mark and Meredith had helped. Trying to relax his body enough to sleep, Derek closed his eyes and drew the blankets up higher over his chest. He was confused and he didn't know what to do. Guilt was all he could feel at just the thought of seeing Rose again. He never wanted anyone to find out about the kiss. It had been a mistake. He'd been looking for emotional and physical comfort in the wrong place. Derek wanted nothing more than to rewind the past hour and erase what had happened.
He just didn't know that Izzie Stevens had already begun spreading rumors about him kissing Rose.
July 2, 2005
Meredith parked her car and quickly threw the contents of her purse back in to the expensive canvas bag as a black BMW pulled up next to her. Closing her door as the person next to her opened their door; Meredith turned and came face to face with Derek. He was dressed in a sweater and jeans with his hair done in the 'McDreamy' style as Yang had dubbed it. For a moment, Meredith felt the familiar pull low in her pelvis at the sight of her handsome husband.
"Crap!" she blurted out without thinking. She wasn't sure if she uttered it because she was late or because she didn't want to feel the magnetic, animalistic craving she had to suddenly strip and screw him into the middle of the next week.
"Crap?" he asked with raised eyebrows. "Seriously?"
"I'm late!" she exclaimed as she quickly walked towards the hospital with Derek on her heels.
"I know. We left at the same time and you still beat me here. How many traffic laws did you break? I'm surprised you didn't get a ticket and send our insurance through the roof," he said in a mocking tone that finally made Meredith snap as they walked through the lobby. She was sick of him. Halting, Derek almost walked into her as she swung around and pointed her finger at him.
"I'm not talking to you right now," she hissed angrily. "I'm not talking to you because I'm going into the hospital and I'll be forced to work side by side with you where you can be as big of an ass as you want to me without fear of repercussions. It's expected of you to be a dick to me! You are after all the Head of Neurosurgery. However, right now, I'm your wife and you're my husband and I'm not taking any of your bullshit! So, yes! Crap! I thought that I was gonna have a few more minutes of peace before I saw you today, but apparently we don't always get what we want! Have a nice day, Derek."
Derek actually looked surprise that she'd final put her foot down and before he could say another word, Meredith turned swiftly on her heel and moved towards the stairwell. Throwing open the door and taking the steps two at a time, Meredith swore to herself that she wasn't going to let him ruin her morning. The Derek Shepherd that she'd married would have never said such a thing. He would have told her to slow down and drive safely. His reaction would have been out of concern. The man she married wouldn't have mocked her, but Meredith had to swiftly remind herself that this new Derek wasn't at all like the man she'd married. He was cold, distant, and Yang had dubbed him as McAss. Reaching the floor that she needed, Meredith threw the door open and nearly ran into Izzie. Walking side by side down the hallway with the blonde doctor, Meredith ignored the model's rambling about the gossip circulating in the hospital. Had she and Derek been on speaking terms, half the news the model was passing on would have been old. Derek wasn't a gossip that spread things around to anyone, but he had the radar of a flying bat when it came to knowing when to listen for good gossip. In New York, it had always been nice to know the major gossip before going into any major hospital function. She didn't feel so out of the loop.
"Did you hear about McDreamy?"
Meredith drew herself out of her musings about missing New York and turned to look at Izzie. Derek rarely made the gossip circuit for any bad reasons and if Izzie was going to talk about him…Meredith wanted to know exactly what her husband had done to make it happen.
"What about him?" Meredith asked as anxiety settled over her chest. Standing still, she hugged herself as she waited for Izzie to wipe the grin off her face and tell her something that she already knew that she didn't want to hear.
"I saw him kissing that one scrub nurse, Rose! Can you believe it? McDreamy is a cheat!" Izzie explained with a satisfied look just as Cristina walked up looking like she was going to be sick.
"Oh, God! Are you still going on about McCheat?" Cristina demanded tiredly.
"Hey, I may just convince him to get in bed with me now. Clearly, the guy has no morals."
"He kissed a scrub nurse. Big deal! What? You think he's gonna wanna get in your pants now?" Cristina snorted as she pushed open the door to the intern locker room. "God, I feel like I'm getting the flu. I swear to God, I can't be getting sick."
Both women disappeared and inside and left Meredith outside the locker room reeling. Her mind raced as she questioned every moment that had happened in the past year.
Was that what was wrong?
Was Derek cheating on her?
Was that the reason they left New York?
Her thoughts seemed impossible to slow down as she caught a glimpse of him standing at the nurse's station going over a chart. Meredith wondered if kissing other women was a habit that Derek had developed long before he met her or if it was relatively new.
Had everything between them been a lie?
Had he been kissing other women in New York?
Had he been doing more than just kissing?
The thought of Derek sleeping with other women made Meredith feel nauseated. She stomach churned as her mind created an image of Derek and Rose in bed together. Hearing footsteps behind her, Meredith turned and looked at Bailey before returning her gaze to her husband.
"It's probably a bad idea to put you anywhere near McDreamy, isn't it?" Bailey said dryly as Meredith continued to stare down the hallway where her husband stood at the nurse's station going over a patient's chart dressed in his navy scrubs.
"You're probably right," Meredith whispered before pulled her gaze away from Derek and pushed open the door to the intern locker room. She didn't want to see him. She didn't want to talk to him because she didn't trust herself. Meredith didn't trust herself not to have a complete breakdown in front of everyone. It was none of the hospital's business about what happened between her and Derek and she wasn't going to give them a story to spread around. Promising herself that she would not cry, Meredith quickly changed into her scrubs as the idea of running became more and more appealing.
July 19, 2005
"Who walked you down the aisle?"
Meredith looked up at Edward Levangie as he walked down the hallway and gave him a sad smile. It had been two whole weeks since she'd learned about Derek's kiss with Rose. All she'd done was avoided him and he acted as if nothing had changed between them. He ignored the face that she didn't even sleep at home anymore. Meredith only returned to shower and get more clothing. Richard had tracked her down earlier to tell her that she'd logged more surgical hours and skills lab training than any other intern for the year so far. He'd been kind, fatherly, and had been proud of her. He been gentle towards her and he'd wanted to talk about what was happening with Derek, but Meredith hadn't been ready. Talking about Derek wasn't something that she wanted to do with anyone, but Addison. His family had been calling her none stop, but Meredith hadn't picked up the phone. She was afraid that if she did, the carefully constructed walls that were holding her together would collapse from the inside and leave her in a broken pile of rubble.
"Why do you wanna know?" she asked in a playful tone that she didn't feel. "My wedding wasn't anything special."
"Tell me all about your wedding! I've been ignoring my daughter's chit chat. I have to get used to hearing about it again," Edward grinned as he held her arm. "You don't seem very talkative so it will be easy."
Meredith couldn't help the bitter smile that came to her lips. She could remember the day as if it had happened only hours ago. She still had the small note that Derek had written to her and had sent along with a bouquet of flowers. She could remember the panic she'd felt in not having any flowers. Meredith hadn't been able to decide what kind of flowers she'd wanted for her wedding day bouquet. Derek must have known from Mark that she'd decided not to walk down the aisle without any. She'd been in the middle of getting her dress on when Addison had come in with a bouquet of two dozen pink roses. She'd been so in love with the flowers that she'd hardly noticed the note until Mark was almost ready to walk her down the aisle.
Did you see the shoot star last night? Were you dazzled by the same constellation? Did you and Jupiter conspire to get me? I think you and the moon and Neptune got it right because with you, I'm shinning bright. I love you and I can't wait to marry you.
-D.
"I got married in September. My husband's family is this large Irish Catholic bunch and everyone had to be invited. I think we had close to two hundred people at the ceremony and reception. We got married at this small, but beautiful cathedral in New York City. We had the reception out at this country house a relative of his owned in the backyard. Beautiful white tents, mason jars…it was kind of sickening how pretty it looked. It was wonderful and everyone had a good time and laughed. The joy was overwhelming," Meredith told him with a sad smile.
"Did you take lots of pictures?"
"I have four sister-in-laws and they made sure that I had enough pictures."
"Who walked you down the aisle?"
"My, uh, husband's best friend did. Mark and I are close. He's like the brother I never had growing up. We're both from families who…didn't really wanna be bothered with us. In fact, he was the only one who represented my side of the family besides my godfather and his wife. Mark and I boned over our mutual brokenness. My best friend Addison was the maid of honor. It's kind of funny because Mark and Addison are in this…complicated relationship."
"I'm sorry about your family."
"Don't be! Mark is one of the best people I know. He's funny and sweet despite what happened to him. He has this love of life that is contagious and I miss him constantly."
"Where did you go for your honeymoon?" Edward asked. "I think that my daughter is going to France."
"I didn't get to go on one," Meredith admitted with a shrug. "I was in college and my husband was doing his residency. We didn't have time."
"So, he's a doctor too?"
"Yes, he is."
"What kind?" Edward asked as they walked back down the hallway towards his room.
"A surgeon…neuro is his specialty."
"Is he any good?"
"He is great," Meredith murmured.
"You should make him take you on a honeymoon the moment he gets a chance. You don't live forever and you seem like a lady who deserves a good vacation. You seem like an angel."
Meredith couldn't stop herself from laughing. Derek had never called an angel. He'd called her a lot of things, but an angel was never on the list. She was pretty sure that he described her as a hellcat to Mark on more than occasion. Helping Edward back into bed and get settled, Meredith was surprised when he grabbed a hold of her wrist to stop her from leaving
"Your husband is lucky to have you," Edward said with a smile.
Meredith couldn't bring herself to smile at his words. She didn't want to smile at his words. Derek wasn't lucky to have her. She was her own person and she didn't want to be anything but that. Leaving Edward's room, Meredith stood at the nurse's station and looked down at her rings. A beautiful engagement ring was joined by a wedding band that had diamonds all around it in a halo form and it was joined by a simple, silver band. Derek had surprised her with an engagement ring and a new wedding band two years ago. He hadn't been able to afford one when they'd first gotten married. She'd only had a simple silver band on her wedding day. A simple silver band that she'd loved because of what it stood for. She loved her engagement ring and band as well, just not as much as that silver band. Derek had gone for flashy and she'd teased him about it when he'd given it to her. All he'd done was shrug and told her that she deserved something special from him.
Staring down at the rings, Meredith slipped them off her fingers with slight hesitation. Derek wasn't lucky to have her. She had the free will to choose where she wanted to be and who she wanted to be with. It felt as if his kissing Rose had been the final nail in the coffin. She was running and she wasn't looking back. Taking her cell phone out of her lab coat, Meredith slipped away to an empty on-call room and locked the door. Dialing Addison, she sighed hearing Addison answer the phone on the second ring.
"He cheated on me," Meredith said without preamble. "He kissed his freaking scrub nurse who has the cute name of Rose and I'm freaking out on the inside."
"He told you?"
"You knew?!" Meredith nearly yelled. "What the hell, Addison?"
"Derek is sorry that he did it," Addison said mournfully. "He was on the phone for about ten minutes with Mark talking about it after it happened."
"How do you know?"
"Mark told me right before we went into therapy. He got the call in the waiting room."
"Wait, you and Mark are going to therapy? When the hell did this happen?"
"I told him about the miscarriages and about how I needed space to come to terms with what had happened involving my body. I told him how in order to love him, I needed to forgive myself about the losses and I just needed space to do that. He came back a few days after you and Derek left and suggested that we go to therapy. It's worked wonders and I'm happy, we're happy. I was seeing a therapist before we went to a marriage therapist. We've been dating again, I guess. Going out to dinner and talking. Do things that we both like. We're on a no sex regiment right now. Apparently, he and I both use sex to cope with what's happening instead of words and it's been hell, but it's been good for us. Last week, he told me about how Derek had called and confessed to the kissing. I told him that I was helping you with divorce paperwork and he was okay with it after I told him how things with you and Derek were going. I think Mark is ready to call Webber and ask him what the hell is going on out there," Addison laughed sadly. "However, we decided that we would just focus on us and not let everyone know that we're back together. Not until we really come to a complete understanding on how to communicate and make it work for the long term."
"I, uh, can't…I can't stop thinking about whether or not Rose is the first woman that he's kissed. Has he cheated on me before, Addison?" Meredith asked tearfully.
"He did not cheat on you while you were living in New York," Addison assured her. "Rose is the first woman that he's ever kissed since he married you. Mark asked and Derek was very honest about everything."
"Did Mark ask why Derek has been so off?"
"No, Derek just talked about how he kissed Rose and Mark told him that he needed to figure out what to do before you found out. Damage control or something like that. Mark suggested that he call me about talking with you about the kiss, but Derek got angry and hung up."
"I've known about it for two weeks and he hasn't said anything," Meredith murmured tiredly. "Just send me the divorce papers, Addie. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be married. I'm tired of it and I'm done. Derek is clearly done and I'm done. We have nothing left and I don't feel much of anything about the kiss."
"You wouldn't be calling me if you didn't feel anything. That British guy kissed you too, Meredith. Both you and Derek have been caught kissing people you shouldn't. It doesn't matter if it was as the recipient or the giver. Just give him one last shot. I know it hard, but just give Derek one more chance to make things right. You guys vowed for better or for worst and this is the worst part. This is the part that sucks, but Derek loves you and he…"
"Why would he do this, Addie?" Meredith asked as her voice broke and tears came to her eyes. "Why? Am I not enough for him anymore? When that British guy kissed me it was for luck for his stupid race! It was a small peck on the lips! Kissing a nurse in a scrub room…Addison…that's just…I don't know. Something tells me that if given the chance…Derek would not have stopped…"
"Do you want me to fax the papers or mail them? I have them ready like you asked me too, but it's up to you on what you're going to do with them. Just give it some more thought, Meredith."
"Mail them to Richard Webber's house. I don't want Derek knowing about this until I get everything straightened out. I just have to find a place to live now and…figure everything else out."
"Do you want me to come out there and help you?" Addison offered softly. "Do you want Mark? You know, you're like his little sister and he'd drop everything to come out there and be with you. He'd probably kick Derek's ass in heart beat for you. You know he would! Meredith, I owe you so much…just let me come out for a few days. We'll have a girl's night out and it will be fun. It's the least I can do Meredith. You've helped me and Mark so much."
"Addison, don't be silly. I did what any sister would. I just have to tell him that I'm leaving him," Meredith said with a shuddering breath as she brushed tears away from her cheeks. "How hard could it be, right? Besides, you don't need to come out here. You helped me last fall when I had that miscarriage. You let me hide out at your apartment and kept me medicated through the whole thing. You respected my wishes not to tell Derek after it happened. We don't keep score, but if we did…we'd be even Addison…more than even!"
"You never told him about that?" Addison asked sounding shocked. "Meredith…you have to say something to him. Did you tell anyone besides me about the miscarriage?"
"Addison…I just never got the chance to say anything…and now…I'm not going to say anything. I lost his child and there's no point in bringing up the past. There is enough hurt going around as it is," Meredith said emotionless. "I have to go."
Before Addison could say another word, Meredith disconnected the call and slipped the cell phone into her lab coat. Leaning back against the wall, she'd never been so confused in her whole life. It was like her brain and her heart couldn't agree on what she wanted. Closing her eyes, she tried not think about what had happened the week after Thanksgiving. She'd only been six weeks. She'd planned on telling Derek at Christmas, but fate's plans had been different. She'd woken up with cramping and bleeding one night that he'd been on call at the hospital. Alone, Meredith had called Addison and it had broken her heart to learn that her baby had no heartbeat. If everything had worked out…his child would have been born in a few weeks time. Pushing herself off the wall, Meredith refused to let herself drown in what had happened. She wasn't going to play the self-pity game. She'd bought one piece of baby clothing before the miscarriage and it was the only reminder that she had of what she'd lost. No one was going to find out about her grief, not even Derek. There was nothing he could do. Instead, she kept her heartbreak locked tightly away in her small art box at the trailer. Tucked under the bed, the same art box contained color swatches and fabric samples and house plan ideas that she'd been collecting since she'd moved to Seattle. It was a box filled with a future that she wasn't going to ever experience. Just thinking about a home was torture.
Climbing the steps and opening the door, Meredith nearly ran into Derek. He looked annoyed for a moment and then his gaze softened. She'd been married long enough to know that when he was guilty of something…it always showed in his eyes. Today, his eyes were guilty and Meredith knew that she couldn't put off the conversation that they needed to have for long.
"Excuse me," she murmured to him.
"Did you talk to Webber about next week yet?" Derek called after her, "The birthday dinner thing?"
Meredith ignored him and hurried her steps. She just couldn't bring herself to do anything more than to walk at that moment. Slipping her hand into her lab coat, Meredith took her rings out and slowly slipped them back on making it look like they'd never left her hand.
Addison was right.
They'd both shared kisses that they should have. Meredith was determined to give Derek one last chance. She was holding on for something, but she didn't know what it was. All Meredith knew was that she was so torn between loving him and letting him go.
Next, 1x07, 1x08, 1x09
So, bombshells left and right. I promise that once Derek and Meredith talk, things will begin to add up. No one is innocent in this.
baseballbabe19: Thanks for the review! Glad you're enjoying the story!:)
Guest #1: Thanks for the review! More is on the way!
wisegirl127: Glad you liked it! Thanks for the review!
bajangirlz: Thanks for the review! Glad you're enjoying the story!:)
Patsy: Thanks for the review! This is a MerDer story, it will just take some time to fix everything...and he won't be with Addison, I promise! More is on the way! I hope you enjoyed the chapter!
DarkandTwistyGrey: Thanks for the review! Mer and Der will work it out! I promise!
Melanie: Thanks for the review! Mama Shepherd will show up at some point, but not just yet. I think Derek isn't quite ready to pull out the big guns yet to get Meredith back...
Jennifer: Thanks for the review! Missing Med School graduation will come up later, I promise. Agreed though...a bottle of booze and the trailer seems like the best medicine. There will be NO MEREDITH AND MARK...
Guest #2: Thanks for the review! Sorry you feel that way! You don't have to read if you don't want to!
mps: Thanks for the review!
Guest #3: Yes, Derek is an ass, but he will get better! Promise! Thanks for the review!
Carrie: Sorry to leave you on kind of a cliffie again! Thanks for the review! I promise more is on the way!:)
Wiizz: Agreed! Stories get me through the loss! Thanks for the review! More is on the way!:)
lanLevitt: Thanks for the review! Thank you! Hope you liked this chapter!
Little Rae of Light: Thanks for the review! I hope you liked this chapter! I'm sorry that happened to you! I've done it before and it sucks! More is on the way!:) We will hit 14 chapters and then some...
See you soon!
EDITED 3/23/2017