this is gospel for the vagabonds

for years, dazai osamu was a vagabond. wandering around with nowhere to go, having left the port mafia.

eventually, he joined the armed detective agency, but it wasn't going to be like the port mafia.

after all, there was no nakahara chuuya.

ne'er-do-wells, insufferable bastards

dazai and chuuya always called each other bastards.

dazai missed chuuya, and everything about him. he missed the small fights where they would throw insults at each other, he missed the time when they were soukoku and were feared all over yokohama and he missed insulting chuuya's height and fashion sense.

over time, dazai fell in love, and he was sure that chuuya did as well. they were just bastards in love.

confessing their apostasies / led away by imperfect impostors

there had been a time when dazai thought that he could find a replacement for chuuya. after joining the detective agency, he received kunikda doppo as a partner and he tried to replace chuuya.

he insulted him regularly, from stealing his book of ideals to just plain teasing, but soon he learned that he wasn't chuuya. kunikida's only insult for him was 'idiot', and he would never try to beat up dazai. of course he wouldn't, as the armed detective agency was much more civilized compared to the port mafia.

dazai eventually stopped trying. he wasn't perfect enough to be one of chuuya's imposters.

oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart

at the armed detective agency, they were much nicer to new members. when he first joined, the boss had taught him methods to calm himself down.

one was to focus on the beat of your heart, as the steady rhythm may calm you down.

it didn't work with dazai, as the only sound being omitted from his heart was a voice screaming 'chuuya'.

don't try to sleep through the end of the world

maybe dazai could one day go back to chuuya. he really didn't have a reason to live. sometimes, dazai envied love craft, and how he could just sleep forever.

oh how nice it would be to do nothing again.

bury me alive

finding his 'complete guide to suicide', he flipped to his bookmarked page.

'reasons you might want to suicide. people often suicide after losing a loved one.'

dazai had lost chuuya.

sighing and flipping to the next chapter, it read 'weird ways to suicide'.

reading the first one, it said: 'dig a hole and bury yourself. you will eventually suffocate from loss of oxygen, and it may feel like drowning. this way, people may be amused when they find you in a hole, dead. they also won't have to dig a new grave.'

that sounded nice to dazai, but digging a hole was just too much work.

'cause I won't give up without a fight / if you love me let me go

dazai lied down on his bed, lost in thought. his book was desire him, open to 'suicide by burying oneself alive'.

he wondered what would happen if he had told chuuya he was leaving on the night that he left.

would he have tried to convince dazai to stay? probably, as dazai had predicted that chuuya loved him. and dazai's predictions were always accurate.

but maybe chuuya would of just called him a 'waste of bandages' and let him go.

after all, somebody said to let the ones you love go. so, chuuya just might have let dazai go.

'cause words are knives and often leave scars / the fear of falling apart

dazai wasn't afraid of falling. after all, falling was a common way to suicide. hell, dazai had even taken a few falls himself, but (sadly), he was still alive after all of them.

now, falling apart was different.

falling apart was when your emotions came through and your body broke down in weakness. emotion would take over, causing somebody to cry and break down.

at the port mafia, letting your emotions take over was the last thing you wanted to do. chuuya and dazai learned that the hard way.

and dazai was scared of falling apart.

and truth be told i was never yours

putting his bookmark back in his book, dazai put it to the side. he turned his lamp off and rolled over, closing his eyes and trying to sleep.

instead, he pondered of (something great) chuuya. self-doubt taking over, he doubted his earlier prediction of chuuya actually loving him.

after all, chuuya never said anything about love to dazai.

dazai honestly doubted if chuuya even loved him.

the fear, the fear of falling apart

dazai sighed, wanting to drift off into the world of sleep. he wanted the demons in his head to make dreams to fill his mind.

before drifting off into the world of dreams and nightmares, dazai had one last thought.

he, dazai osamu was afraid of falling apart.