I'm ever so slightly still in shock from the events of yesterday, and a little embarrassed if I'm honest. But now my wedding plans are a go-go. MY WEDDING PLANS! Never thought I'd be saying that, apart from awkward social occasions when I am forced to lie because I'm nervous, just like we all do.
I drift off into a daydream like I am being transported back to a ghastly dinner party of mum's in a time machine. All of her posh friends are glaring down their witchy noses at me, but I really don't care, I'm happy just being me. But then I want to impress at the same time, so whilst they are all showing off their engagement and wedding rings and asking whilst looking at my hand 'Oh, still single?' realising the lack of ring on my wedding ring finger. 'No, I'm engaged to a lovely man, a real gentleman...we just don't believe in giving rings, its...erm...religious, we don't need rings to prove we love each other, so yeah, I'm getting married' I lie confidently, beginning to believe it. But then mother comes over giggling, 'Miranda, engaged, ha ha ha, ha ha ha, ha ha' in her incredibly put on, lyric based laugh. 'She's just so happy for us' I lie again, trying to take her to one side by the arm. 'No man would ever want to marry this, always the bridesmaid, literally'
I shake my head in embarrassment at the whole thing, still unable to believe the things I do to be accepted. Back to reality. Honestly though, I really never thought I would be able to say I am getting married and be telling the truth. A ring on my finger, and not a Haribo one, a real engagement ring, and my real Gary. I bit my lip as I smile, trying to take it all in. Right, I need to plan. Lists, charts, guests, venues, dresses, bridesmaids, flowers, aahhhhh I'm going insane already and sounding like my mother.
I make for the stairs. "STEVIE...HELP"
"Miranda" she says with her worried little eyes. "What's the matter?"
"Well nothing really, I'm just no good at planning things, lists and charts and being organised, you know I can't cope with all that" I try to explain very quickly, making no sense whatsoever.
"Planning what?" Stevie asks, completely lost.
"Weddings" I reply. I haven't told her, I want to see if she can guess!
"Who on earth has put you in charge of organising their wedding? The poor souls will have fruit friends for guests and veg-te-pals for bridesmaids and the best man! Their honeymoon will be around the corner and all the guests will have to leave by 8pm to be home for 9!"
"Excuse me, but my wedding will be full of all my friends and family, we will have a sophisticated meal and a party, and then my husband will sweep me off of my feet, up into his arms and carry me to the car where we will board a plane to Australia...or something like that anyway"
"You...sophisticated..pahahaha" she laughed. I glared down at her, but she still hadn't realised. "Look Miranda, it's time to accept that it isn't going to happen. Now, come on, let's get planning. Who did you say you were organising it for?" Plain rudeness in my opinion.
"I didn't" I barked through gritted teeth. Not like a dog bark, I mean, it was a stern, angry voice. "But if you must know, it's Gary's wedding"
"Ah, has he finally made up with Rose? How are you with that, I know it must be hard.." I had to stop her there.
"NOT ROSE...ME...ME...HE IS MARRYING ME"
"Oh Miranda, you've got to stop this, I know you like to imagine your wedding day to Gary, but you really must let go now"
"Stevie" I began calmly "You are my best friend in the whole world, but you are incredibly dense at times. He proposed yesterday, at the therapist's office" I didn't tell her about the kids, the ice creams, the police and the therapist, but ah well, another time.
"Are you being serious?"
"Of course I am" and to help in persuading my shrunken elf of a friend that I really am engaged, yes I know, it is hard to believe, Gary walked through the door.
"Well hello sexy" he spoke in a low, gruff voice. He stood in the doorway, one hand on the door frame, one on his hip; his body oozing with 'come get me'. My jaw fell. He was perfect and I could never love him more. "Have you showed her your ring?"
"You really are engaged?!" Stevie shrieked, realising I hadn't been lying this time.
Gary's arms suddenly snaked around my waist and my hands held his, holding me. I bent to the left, he went to the right and our faces turned until our lips met.
"Nothing else matters now, my heart is skipping, and I've got my one true love. Oh Stevie, it's really happening!" we both squealed. "Will you do me a massive favour? I know that's hard for someone so small, but I would be honoured if you would be my bridesmaid"
"Oh, of course I will!" It was all going to well. Mother burst in at that moment.
"Miranda, darling, I've spoken to Belinda and she wants cousin Georgina to be bridesmaid, your father will give you away, Tilly is going to do the charts and planning" I was speechless. She looked me up and down with that look on her face, the one that meant an insult of the highest order was on its way. "You really need to lose some weight, you'll only look like a transvestite in a wedding dress. Maybe a white trouser suit? But then white won't do any favours for your complexion. Oh Miranda, why do you have to have a face like that? I don't like to stick my nose in where it isn't wanted, and I'd hate to interfere, so I'll leave you know as I'm going to do a spot of what I call 'wedding planning' with your father and Tilly"
"IT IS WEDDING PLANNING, YOU CANT CALL IT ANYTHING ELSE AND YOU SHOULDNT BE CALLING IT ANYTHING AT ALL BECAUSE ITS MY WEDDING AND IT SHOULD BE EXACTLY HOW WE WANT IT" I shouted but as usual all I got in reply was,
"Well I'm only trying to help, you know you can't be trusted with anything important. Such fun!"
NOT FUN! My wedding, not hers. I felt teary and not in a good way. It is going to be the wedding from hell, where mother is the centre of attention, trying to show off to all her posh friends. I tipped my head back into Gary's chest, hoping it would all disappear. I had to get out of it somehow...but I knew that wasn't going to be easy...