Discs.: I don't own CM or its characters!

A/N: I just finished the update - Hope you will like the new chapter.

Hidden feelings

2. A phone call

Without giving it further thinking, Hotch grabbed his cell and left the office again. While on the way to his car he dialed a number he knew by heart.

"Hello?" A female voice answered.

"Hey it's me, Elle..." Hotch reached the car and a short moment later he started the engine.

"What's the matter?" He heard in her voice that she had been crying and answered :

"Listen Elle, I know it is very late, but would it be okay if I come over? - I think we need to talk..."

For a moment it was quiet then she replied quietly : "Okay."

They both hung up. Hotch started speeding, driven by an inner need to see Elle.

When he arrived, he took in a deep breath, then he left the car and went to the front-door. It took only a few minutes before Elle opened the door for him.

"Come in..." Elle smiled at him.

"Listen Elle, I'm sorry for what to you at the cemetery..."

"If this is going to end with you trying to change my mind you can leave right away - I'm not coming back."

They took both a seat in the living-room.

"I just want to know why - please?" He looked at her.

"I don't think I could handle keep working with the BAU or with you..." she trailed off.

"Me personally or the team in general?"

"Both..." Elle looked sadly at him.

"Why is that?"

"Because I can't trust myself - especially around you."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know..."

"You are a bad liar...You know it exactly."

"Well maybe, but what makes you think that I want to talk about it?"

She gave him a stubborn glance. But he saw also something else in her eyes, pain, sadness - and longing.

"Elle, please confide in me - I know I should have been there for you after what happened in Dayton, instead of accusing you of shooting him intentional...But I'm here now, listen Elle, I need you on the team, you are a great agent and an even better profiler...And..."

"No, I can't keep working for the BAU." Elle interrupted him.

"Why?" Hotch looked questioning at her.

"Because I can't stand being around you, without feeling so empty...Sometimes I feel like I'm slowly drowning and suffocating - because I can't handle the fact that you just seem to be too blind to see it..."

Tears started running down her face.

"If I keep working with you it's going to destroy me...Sometimes when I came home after work, I broke down, because I knew that you were at home with your perfect wife, and that you would never realize that it slowly kills me to know how happy you are with her..."

She looked him straight into the eyes and went on :

"You don't get it?! You are able to profile every kind of criminal, but you are incapable of realizing it...Every time I be around you, I feel like it's getting too much for me to take, that you just seem to not see that I...that I have fallen for you a very long time ago..." Elle bit her lower lip.

For a while they were both silent, Elle observed Hotch, waiting for a reaction, while he let his head hang, trying to comprehend what he had just heard.

When he finally lifted his head and looked at her, he was instantly lost in her eyes and shocked by the pain he found in them.

"God, Elle...I don't know what to say..."

"Yeah, how should you...You have no idea how it feels for me to know that I will never be able to be with you, to know how much you seem to love her, or to know how happy you obviously are with your wife...If I keep working with you I'm gonna lose myself..."

"Actually I know exactly how it feels to have feelings for someone you can't have - someone you are not even allowed to desire, because of so many different reasons...You are right, I love Haley - but there is another woman I love maybe even more..."

He saw how the pain in Elle's eyes increased, she let her head drop. Hotch lifted his left hand and caressed softly her cheek.

"Listen Elle, this woman - is you...I know how you feel - because I feel the same. But what am I supposed to do? I'm married, I have a little son I adore, I'm still your boss, I can't leave Haley - I just can't - but I also couldn't have an affair with you, it wouldn't be fair - I couldn't do that to Haley and even less to you..."

"Do you thing hearing this is making it any easier for me?"

"No...But you deserve more than what I can give you. You deserve more than being someone's mistress, to be kept a secret and you certainly deserve more than being with someone who is spending a few times per week a few hours at night with you before leaving you alone in the middle of the night to get home to his wife and little son...I just can't do that to you."

"So, what are we going to do now?"

They shared a long glance and Hotch quietly replied :

"I don't know Elle...I only know that I need you around...Don't go. I need you at the office."

He caressed softly her cheek. She smiled at him and kissed him.

"Elle..." She kissed him again.

"I love you and I want to be with you - even if it is only for one night."

"Elle, I can't do this - you mean too much to me...It could never be just one night - we both know that."

"One night is eternity compared to never..."

"Maybe, but what would happen tomorrow - do you really think we could just behave as if it never happened? That we could go back to how our life had been before? I seriously doubt that."

"Please stay tonight - I need you more than anything else."

"I can't...I actually should better leave now." He looked sadly at her and got up.

"Sorry Elle...Still I hope you change your mind about working with the BAU...The team needs you - I need you."

"Why did you never came?" Elle looked at him.

"What do you mean?"

"After I had been shot, you never came to the hospital..."

"It was too much for me to see you like this...It reminded me only of what I let happen to you."

"Listen to me, it wasn't your fault that this happened - believe me."

"If you say so...Well, I should go." He turned to leave.

"Why don't you stay a little longer? It's still quite early...There are still a few hours left before you have to get to work, so..."

"Don't make it even harder for me, Elle, please..."

Elle got up as well and went to him.

"Don't go yet..."

She looked at him a soft smile on her lips.

"God, Elle, I ..." He trailed off, he looked at her lost in her beautiful eyes, then he bent and softly kissed her. When they broke the kiss, they went back to the couch and took a seat.

"So, you are going to stay?" Elle smiled.

"Yeah, seems that way..." Hotch saw her smile widen.

"It feels good to have you here. I missed talking with you..."

"I know, I had been distant in the last time, but..."

"It's okay...Now you are here."

"No it isn't okay. If I had been there for you, I would have realized that you hadn't been ready for playing the decoy for Lee - and you wouldn't have been in the situation to shoot him..."

He let his fingers slide through Elle's hair.

"You shouldn't have cut your hair."

"I needed a change..."

They smiled at each other. Elle leaned closer to Hotch, who pulled her into a tight embrace.

"Do you want a coffee?" She looked him straight into the eyes. He slowly nodded and said :

"I could really use some caffeine..."

Elle got up laughing, but both their smiles vanished, when they heard the sound of bursting wood.

Tbc

A/N: Hope you liked it - please take the time to review!