Disclaimer: I do not own Dmc3 or CapCom etc….and this is all fake so don't act so seriously. Appreciate you all for reading.
Remember Side 1 of the manual? I'm not done with Dante yet. This is Side 2
SIDE 2
FAQ
Q: I don't prefer this DANTE unit. He's kind of young. I never liked playing the Dmc3 Dante because he's too cheesy. Is there a way that I can get the Dmc1 Dante? Do you even have those?
A: As a matter of fact yes we do have the more mature version of the DANTE. All you had to do was ask. Simply tranquilize your DANTE and send him back to us. In exchange we will ship the Dmc1 version DANTE to you for a shipping fee.
Q: Can I ever get a VERGIL and a DANTE unit to live together with me? Why does it always say that they can never get along? Aren't they supposed to be identical twins?
A: The last time they were identical was when the VERGIL didn't have that up-do. The response is no, they will and never ever be together in the same house. If they do, then you have put the whole entire planet in grave danger. They can talk to each other but pretty much they don't always agree and chaos can happen. If the planet is doomed, you can't sue us for it, WE SUE YOU!
Q: My DANTE wants to run for president. I told him he was too stupid and he got mad at me. What did I say? Aren't all DANTE units stupid and corny?
A: That is not true. Any DANTE unit is born to have a dream. Some dream that they will live peacefully with their owner(s) They aren't created just to be a robotic pet or a love machine. They are free to express whatever knowledge they have, even if it is just about pizza and guns its okay for a DANTE unit to have hopes for the future. Maybe your DANTE wants to go to college, or he dreams of soaring to outer space and becoming an astronaut. Even if he wants to be a custodian, its okay. Congress has recently passed the DANTE Unit Freedom of Dream Act. So therefore if your DANTE wants to run for president; he is eligible for it. If you refuse he will be the one to put a boot up your butt.
Q: Gosh I hate it when people always pair up TRISH with DANTE and say that they will have babies! Arrgh that just makes me want to flame them all! I hate you I hate you I hate you for writing it!
A: Before you get pissed off again, let's just say that the author of this story has already stated in the disclaimers that these facts are fake and the TRISH and DANTE can do as they please. Heck they can of course have children. You might end up having a cute sweet little girl named the DRISH unit or a handsome baby boy name TRANTE. If they are lucky and produced twins (TRASH AND DINTE) then that is even more awesome. The DANTE can even get along with the MARY/LADY and the LUCIA unit. They might end up with children named Lante, Dady, Ducia, and Bob
(Note: the babies can only be purchased through conception of the two units and God)
Q: Oh my gosh its me again. Your previous question didn't help me at all. And I hate you for making that up
A: Blah blah shut up...
Q: Can I stop my DANTE unit from drinking so much tomato juice? I just don't like it when he has tomato breath.
A: Why would you want him to stop? Tomato juice is very healthy. We give two thumbs up for the DANTE unit for understanding his nutritional needs. Besides you can't separate DANTE and his beloved tomato addiction forever. It is a requirement that he should have a handy supply of it. One of the units whom we thought that is not quite healthy is the VERGIL unit, but that's another manual so you can wait for it later.
Q: Where can I purchase the NEVAN guitar for my DANTE unit? He's been asking for one for quite a while now.
A: There are two methods of course.
Buy it at your local DMC store/hotline/online
Get a NEVAN unit and convince her to fall into DANTE's arms and make him shoot her in the belly. She then will tell him that his father was a handsome devil and then she will caress his abs (eww) Then before you know it POOF! Ta-dah the NEVAN unit has become a guitar. It is a good birthday present for the DANTE unit. The VERGIL unit however is another story.
Q: I was reading my book one day and then suddenly everything went slow-motion including me! How can I get my DANTE unit to stop playing around with his Quicksilver?
A: You have him in Quicksilver mode duh! Just reprogram it and he will be fine. The DANTE units have no idea that their right armpit is the contraption where the reprogramming is located. Unless they're accidentally reading this manual than they will discover the horrifying intentions that we have in mind for them.
WARNING: DO NOT LET YOUR DANTE OR ANY OTHER UNITS READ THIS MANUAL OR A REVOLT OF UNITS WILL ARISE AND TERRORIZE THE PLANET AND WE CAN'T SUE ANYONE ANYMORE BECAUSE WE WILL ALL DIE!
TO THE DANTE UNIT (WHO HAD ACCIDENTLY READ THIS):
DANTE, SWEETY PLEASE PUT THE MANUAL AWAY AND FORGET WHATEVER JUST HAPPEN. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT WORLD DOMINATION. IF YOU DON'T COMPLY WITH BELIEVING THIS IS FAKE; YOU WON'T HAVE PIZZA! PUT IT DOWN NOW!
More FAQ/ TROUBLESHOOTING
Q: My DANTE won't make out or do it with me. Is this normal?
A: You sure are some horny idiot but I will comply to your request. The DANTE is a player, he only hit on girls to get attention. He doesn't actually 'do it'. Not all DANTE are the same. Some can get their freak on or can be a good boy depending on their mood or however they were programmed to be. Perhaps you have him in a wrong mode, tranquilize him and change it to Sexy mode for a more satisfied customer.
Q: My DANTE unit keeps sneezing. His sneeze made me lost ten houses so far and now I am living in the streets because of him. Why is he so disastrous?
A: You should have contacted us the moment his first sneeze was indicated. That is a MAJOR DEADLY glitch! Immediately send your DANTE unit back for us to fix it and we will ship it back to you with absolutely no charge. (To cover up any further defamation or suing our company because of these mistakes; we will gladly buy you a new house and a white pony so that you can continue to keep your DANTE and other units).
Q: Help me! A DANTE in blue just attacked my DANTE unit at the park! My precious unit got turned into an ugly alien-like creature! Oh my gosh he's so hideous! And he keeps transforming into that form! It's like he's obsessed with it or something!
A: Congratulations, even though your reaction was negative, your DANTE was stabbed by a VERGIL unit. DANTE now obtained Devil Trigger, be happy we are so proud of you! Now DANTE can fly like crazy! Whoo-hoo!
Q: My DANTE unit has really spiky hair and he does not say cheesy words at all. And he's quite anti-social.
A: Holy frick! That's not the DANTE unit. You have somehow received the VERGIL unit dressed up in DANTE's attire (a.k.a. the VERTE/VANTE/DERGIL/DANGIL unit) This has been a serious error. These units were never meant to be sold. An estimation of sixty or more of these units had been accidentally shipped. Our advice is for you to return the unit back to us immediately. In return we will ship you the real DANTE unit with no charge. (We will even bribe you with a free white pony to prevent you from defaming or suing our company) tee-hee
Q: My DANTE unit won't take a shower. How can I get him to clean himself? My friend's DANTE unit enjoys regular bathing and does not stink. I literally cry myself to sleep because my unit is so uncompromising.
A: Now that is quite rare because all DANTE units love to be lavished in warm water and attention. But is no surprise that he can be a 'dirty' little pig too. If your DANTE unit does not cooperate with you, you know the drill
Follow these steps:
Load up your tranquilizer gun
Hit that ass until he falls flat on his face
Drag your DANTE to the tub/shower….whichever you prefer
Proceed to clean him (make sure water is warm)
(This may be fun for girls, gross for straight guys, and sexy for gays)
TBC Sorry for short chapter….Side 3 will be up next time. Thank you for encouraging me to write this….I was almost going to delete this…I will pursue on to write about the VERGIL, TRISH, LADY, ARKHAM, KALINA ANN, EVA, SPARDA units…etc… once school is over.