Jiraiya woke up about an hour after his first interrupted dream sequence with a strange sensation: That someone he knew was getting unreasonably lucky while he himself was not. When he realized that both Naruto and the Hiraishin scroll were gone, he grew irritated. When he reached the spot that Naruto typically went to train and found nothing more than a solitary seal lying on the ground and no sign of the boy, he grew considerably more irritated.

After a mad dash through the city in hopes that Naruto had just gotten hungry and gone looking for ramen yielded no positive results, irritation went right out the window.

"I'm going to kill him."

He knew that the brat was impatient and so hard-headed you could break walnuts on his skull; and quite honestly he was shocked that the brat had lasted this long without pulling a stunt like this. But damn it all, he had thought that the stupid boy would have at LEAST read the warnings in the scroll and taken it seriously before attempting the damn jutsu! And of course the brat would have the dumb luck of pulling it off as quickly as he apparently had.

He dropped his pack on the ground and began digging furiously through it until he found a small notebook buried among his research papers. Giving silent thanks to Minato for at least having the courtesy of documenting all of the known places that he'd left seals for future reference, he quickly scanned through the pages.

Maybe things weren't as bad as they seemed. He knew Minato had used the Hiraishin a lot during the war, but surely he hadn't just continued to spam seals all over the place without a second thought to future ramifications, right?

"Son of a bitch!"

Four hundred and eighty-six. Four hundred and eighty-six documented seal locations?

"I'd kill you if you weren't already dead!" he screamed to the sky. He looked back at the book. He had never before realized just how utterly lazy the bastard must have been. "Honestly, a seal in every room of your house? Did you actually walk anywhere?"

To make matters worse, only fifty-five of the seals were located inside the Fire Country borders. Of those fifty-five, only thirty-seven were in or within a couple miles of Konoha.

Jiraiya felt like crying. Almost five hundred different locations, and right now Naruto could be at any one of them. And with his atrocious chakra control and sheer stubbornness to give up until he had a technique mastered, he could end up bouncing around from every corner of the Elemental Continent for months before he was found or ended up back home! That was assuming, of course, that he didn't land himself in enemy territory...

And it wasn't until he read through the list one more time that something occurred to Jiraiya: Konoha had WAY too many potential enemies.

Kumo, Iwa, Oto, Kiri, and that wasn't even counting Akatsuki and Orochimaru, and who knew which country they were currently holed up in. Of course, knowing Naruto's luck, he'd find them both before the week was up.

"Tsunade is going to kill me!" he cried, burying his face in his hands. She had told him before they even left that Naruto wasn't ready for Hiraishin, and if she found out he'd gone ahead and done it and then screwed up this bad she'd do worse things to him than she did the time she found out he'd used her as a character in his third Icha Icha book.

He had to think of something. Unfortunately, in a situation like this there was only one thing he could think to do now.

He would just have to track down every last one of those damn seals in the book and destroy them, thereby reducing the number of places that Naruto could warp to until there were none left, then he would do terrible, horrible things to him for putting him through so much trouble.

He read over the notebook again, trying to decide where the best place to start would be. He'd leave the seals in and around Konoha for last, that way the brat could still have a chance to make it back to safety, but that still left over four hundred other seals to destroy, not counting any that were undocumented.

He really wished he knew Hiraishin right about now.

xxx

Nanoseconds after leaving Temari's bathroom, Naruto found himself sitting on a barstool, staring out toward the business district of an unfamiliar village.

"No naked women," he commented as he stood up and continued his inspection of the surroundings. "That's an improvement at least. But where am I?"

Further inquiries were stopped by a frightened gasp from behind him. He turned around to see a very pale-faced elderly man staring at him from inside a small restaurant stand. "Y-y-you! You're...b-but you can't be-!"

Naruto gave the man a look of concern. "You feeling okay, oji-san?"

Slowly, the old man moved around the counter in order to get a closer look at him. After a long, scrutinizing looking over, he breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness. I thought I was seeing ghosts there for a minute."

"...Right, so could you tell me which village-"

"But ya know," the man broke in, moving his face directly in front of Naruto's. "If it weren't for those funny marks on your face, you'd never be able to tell the two o' you apart." Then he snapped his fingers. "Ah-ha! You must be his kid, ain't you?"

Naruto sighed in defeat. "Okay fine, I'll bite. Who's kid?"

"Why Minato-kun's, of course!" he answered as though it were the dumbest question ever asked. "It's so obvious! You've got the same eyes, the same hair, the same stupid expression on your face when you're confused or thinking too hard."

"Hey!"

"Not to mention the way you just appeared out of nowhere the same way he always did. Don't think I could ever forget that; damn near gave me a heart attack every time." The man's eyes suddenly took on a vacant look. "Ah, but what a fine lad. Best customer I ever had, for certain. Practically ate me out of business every time he showed up. I had to start doubling my ingredient shipments because of him." He let out a melancholic chuckle. "Day I heard he'd died protecting his village from some monster...saddest day since the passin' of my own wife."

Naruto had to admit, he was growing very intrigued. He moved around the old man to sit down on the wooden stool he'd appeared on before. "So oji-san-"

"Call me Hiroshi, boy."

"Hiroshi-ojisan, you're talking about the Yondaime Hokage, right?"

"That's right!"

"His name was Minato?"

"Of course it was. Namikaze Minato. Name's carved right into that seat you're in."

Naruto shifted his weight to the side. Sure enough, there was a badly engraved message beneath him that read "Lifetime reservation for Namikaze Minato. Violators might be killed". Underneath it was another Hiraishin seal.

"How could you not possibly know you're own dad's name, boy?" Hiroshi demanded.

"Honestly, I didn't think he even had a name. Everyone in Konoha just called him Yondaime. And he's not my dad either; my family name is Uzumaki, not Namikaze." That, of course, wasn't even the biggest of reasons for why the man was wrong in his assumption, but it was the easiest to point out.

Hiroshi shrugged it off. "Maybe they left you with you're mom's name? Or maybe you were a bastard child or something."

"Did you know my mom?" Naruto asked, sounding slightly hopefully.

"Might of," he replied, suddenly looking a bit envious. "But then it seemed like almost every time he showed up here he'd be in the company of a different woman or women. Boy was a right big playboy back in his heydays."

Somehow, this didn't surprise Naruto nearly as much as he felt it should have.

Hiroshi kept talking, though at this point he seemed to be speaking more to himself than to Naruto if the faraway look in his eyes meant anything. "I do recall him telling me about wanting to get married to some girl about a few months before he died, but I don't think I ever met the girl he was talking about."

Naruto decided he was ready for a different topic. Not that he wasn't interested in hearing more about the Yondaime's antics, but he'd have felt more comfortable hearing about them from Jiraiya or Tsunade or Kakashi. "So Minato came here a lot?"

"Oh, had to be at least every other day. A real connoisseur, he was. Always said that my stuff was the best, though," he added proudly. "What do ya say I whip some up for ya? I'll even give ya the same discount I gave your dad."

Having skipped breakfast in the excitement of learning his new jutsu, Naruto only now realized how hungry he had gotten. And the thought of a discount meal made him completely overlook correcting the old man on the dad issue again. "Sure!"

"Great!" Hiroshi said, feeling happier than he had in years. He ducked down behind the counter to fetch the ingredients. "What's your fancy?"

"I'll take three bowls of miso, two each of pork and chicken, and one vegetable!"

Hiroshi's head popped back into view, his eyebrow quirked in confusion. "What are ya saying, boy?"

"I said I wanted three bowls of miso ramen, two bowls of pork ramen and chicken ramen, and-"

"What kinda place you think you are, boy?" the old man demanded. "Ain't no ramen here."

Naruto nearly choked, as he usually did whenever he heard the words 'no ramen'. "But then…?" He jumped out of the seat and moved outside of the stand, looking at the name of the place. Slowly, his gaze fell back on the old man. "The Yondaime ate…yakitori?" he asked in a sickened tone.

"Of course, why wouldn't he of?"

"He didn't eat ramen?" Naruto asked, still in awe. "I always thought the Yondaime had better taste than that."

"What kind of person with any sense would choose ramen over yakitori?" Hiroshi demanded, sounding highly offended. "You call yourself Minato-kun's son?"

"Hell no, I don't! Because no dad of mine would eat some crappy yakitori when he could be having sweet, succulent ramen instead!"

"And no son of Minato's would pass up my heavenly yakitori for some nasty, soggy noodles!"

"Yakitori sucks!"

And just like that, the beginning of the bond that had started to form between the two was severed.

Hiroshi reached for his butcher knife. "Say that again," he dared him through clenched teeth.

Naruto leaned over the counter until they were face to face. "Yakitori. Sucks!"

"…"

"You wanna die, brat?" Hiroshi seethed.

"Bring it, you old fart!"

In the ensuing melee, Naruto found that for a sixty-year-old man with little to no combat training whatsoever, Hiroshi could put up one hell of a fight when properly motivated.

It wasn't until the authorities began pushing their way through the gathered crowd that Naruto decided it was probably time to high-tail it.

And so Naruto Hiraishined away, with nothing gained from this trip but some unappealing information about the Yondaime and a frying pan-induced welt on his head. For his part, a badly winded Hiroshi set to work on removing Minato's seal from his seat while sporting a shiner over his left eye.

Minato's son or not, he'd be damned if he had that blasphemy-spewing noodle-sucker popping up in his shop again any time soon.

xxx

Elsewhere...

The plant-hybrid man known as Zetsu was currently highly irritated.

Though, at the same time he was also highly amused.

Having dueling personalities could lead to some seriously confusing problems like that.

"Please?"

As it were, no matter what feelings the two halves of Zetsu were currently feeling, they were all the cause of the boy in the swirly orange mask who was grasping him by the cuffs of his cloak.

"No," the black Zetsu responded firmly.

"Pretty please?" Tobi pleaded harder.

"No!"

"Pretty please with sugar and ice-cream and chocolate sprinkles and two cherries with a side of-"

"GO AWAY!" he shouted, finally losing the last of his calm.

"Calm down," White Zetsu reprimanded himself. "Tobi, get off of my desk."

The boy did as he was told, scooting off the cluttered desk to sit in the chair across from him. "Why won't you let me join Akatsuki?" he whimpered.

"Because you're an irritating little pri-"

Zetsu cut himself off. "Because there aren't any open positions we need filled at this time."

"Not that we'd hire you even if we did."

"Oh shut up! So he's a little...a lot more cheerful than the others. At least he could help lighten the mood now and then."

"Because an evil organization bent on world domination is in SUCH big need of comic relief, right?"

"I don't see the problem with it. Besides, how many times in the past have we actually had someone volunteer to join us? Usually we have to use force or bribery or blackmail or some other form of persuasion."

"Just because he's willing doesn't mean he's worth it! Besides-"

Zetsu's argument with himself ended abruptly by a light chuckle from Tobi. "You're funny, Zetsu-san. Sometimes Tobi has to argue with himself too, whenever the bad guy inside him tries to get out. Isn't it cool that we have stuff in common like that? I'll bet you and me could be the best of friends!"

Black Zetsu really wanted to hit his head on the desk, but White Zetsu held him back. "Look Tobi; you seem like a real good kid, and God only knows why you would want to join up with a group like ours. But if you're really set on it, I suppose I can at least put you on our reserve list as a grunt."

"REALLY! Tobi can be an Akatsuki Grunt?"

Zetsu shrugged. "Well, we did lose four newcomers last week when they got caught up in that art debate between Deidara and Sasori, so we're slightly short on fodder at the moment. But if you survive long enough until one of the higher-ups get killed, I'll talk to the Boss about letting you can take his place."

"So Tobi has to wait for someone to get killed?"

"That's right."

"What if I killed one of them?" Tobi asked.

Zetsu suddenly felt a very small flicker of evil intent coming from the previously happy-go-lucky boy, causing him to blink in surprise. "I uh...wouldn't recommend that."

Tobi drooped, and the dark aura vanished as fast as it had appeared. Zetsu had to wonder if it had all been in his imagination.

"Darn." Tobi muttered sadly, but quickly brightened again. "No sweat! I'll just work as hard as I have to!"

Black Zetsu was still grumbling about being overruled by his other half. "You'd better. As a new grunt of our organization it's your job to run all the errands, clean up all the messes, go on the suicide missions, and most importantly of all: If one of the guys comes home in a bad mood it's your obligation to be his punching bag until he cools down."

"I can do that! Tobi is very tough!" he insisted, performing a few muscle-poses before accidentally banging his knee on the side of Zetsu's desk. "Owie!"

Both Zetsu's sighed as Tobi hopped around the room holding his leg.

"Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't eat him," Black Zetsu demanded of his more optimistic half.

"I imagine the indigestion would be terrible," White Zetsu muttered back. "Besides, he's kinda funny."

Black Zetsu simply rolled his eye.

"Okay!" Tobi shouted, suddenly over his pain. "What's my first official duty, Zetsu-san?"

"Why don't you go jump off a cli-"

"Shut up, you!" White Zetsu reached into his top drawer and pulled out a small scroll, tossing it to the masked boy. "Go into the village north of here and pick up the supplies on that list. Tell the clerks you're with Akatsuki and they should lower their prices considerably."

"Yes Sir!" Tobi shouted as he charged out the door, determined to fulfill his duty to perfection.

Zetsu just shook his head in mixed relief and amusement as the door closed. Without another spoken word, he began processing through the stack of paperwork that Pein had left on his desk.

"Um..."

Zetsu looked back up, seeing Tobi crouched down on the other side of the desk, hands and chin propped up on the edge like a dog begging its owner for scraps.

"What now?" White Zetsu asked.

"What if the clerks don't believe me when I tell them I'm with Akatsuki?"

"Then tell them that Zetsu sent you," he answered calmly, having the growing feeling that there was something that Tobi wanted but didn't want to come out and ask for it.

"What if they still don't believe me?"

White Zetsu was beginning to lose his patience. "Then come back and tell me and I'll go eat them for you."

Tobi visibly drooped. "Oh...okay. ...Oooor," he added, failing to sound as nonchalant as he'd hoped. "You could avoid all that trouble and... let me have an Akatsuki cloak?"

"Oh, for the love of-"

"If I give you one will you promise not to bother me for the rest of the day?"

Tobi nodded vigorously.

"Fine." He gestured behind him. "There're a few extras in the closet."

As Tobi flung open the closet door, a gleam appeared in the eyehole of his mask.

"BANZAI!"

Several long moments of rummaging, rattling, grunting, and things breaking followed as Zetsu returned to his paperwork.

"You know those are only supposed to be for the Inner Circle members."

"Who cares? It gets him off our backs and it makes him happy."

Black Zetsu grumbled indignantly about the rest of the fodder and special treatment complaints.

Tobi emerged wearing his new cloak; twirling in place with his arms spread wide.

"This is the best day of my life!" he gushed, stopping in front of a mirror to admire himself. "Look how awesome I look in-" He trailed off as something unexpected came to his attention. He turned back to Zetsu.

"Do you have one with orange clouds? This red one clashes with Tobi's mask."

Seconds later, Tobi fled the room under a hail of many thrown office supplies.

xxx

"Why the Hell would he put a seal way up here?"

Those were Naruto's first thoughts upon reappearing in this new location. Looking around, he found himself standing atop a high stone cliff that circled around the edges of a deep valley, within which was a very large village. Everything around him looked rocky and dry with practically no foliage to speak of.

Noticing that he was standing in a shadow, he turned to his left and saw a large statue of a man carved from a dark colored stone next to him. Three similar statues stood at compass points on the other three sides of the valley wall, all of them facing inward as though they were keeping watch over the village at all time.

The significance of it was basically lost on Naruto, since he was more interested in figuring out just how far away from Konoha he now was. So he leapt on top of the statue, balancing easily on its head, and squinted down at the village below, barely able to make out the people that were walking the streets below him.

If he had to take a guess, he might have thought that this was Iwagakure or another village inside the Earth Country. His mind was telling him that there was something very important about that, but for the life of him he just couldn't put his finger on what it was.

xxx

Down on the busy streets of Iwagakure, people went about their daily lives as usual. None of the civilians had any thoughts or cares to any potential danger that might befall them, knowing that their village's mighty forces had kept them all safe for over a decade now. Sure, the war had been incredibly hard on them all, but even though they had receded from it in the end (though some stubborn veterans would swear it had been a draw) their village had regained its original prestige very well in their opinions.

And so they continued to live in complacency, believing today to be just another average day in Iwa. That is, until one of those middle-aged stubborn war veterans happened to look up at the statue of the Yondaime Tsuchikage above the village gate, and froze when he saw someone standing on it. He quickly looked away and frantically rubbed at his eyes, silently assuring himself that what he thought he saw was just an illusion brought on by bad memories from long ago.

He looked back, and realized he was wrong. Oh God was he wrong. He may not have been able to completely make him out, but seeing that shock of blond hair was enough for him. HE stood there, on the head of their Tsuchikage just like he always used to do all those years ago, carrying the threat of total destruction and massacre right along with him.

The jounin tried without much success to stop his trembling, knowing full well that as a high-ranking shinobi he had to remain professional and in control. The fate of his village could hang in the balance of what he did next. So he took a deep breath...

...And screamed as loud as he possibly could.

"YELLOW FLASH!" He then beat feet in the other direction before anyone had the chance to question him.

Slowly, as his words began making themselves clear to the others, the dozens of frozen villagers turned instinctively as one toward the Yondaime's statue.

And then... pandemonium.