Most of the story's scenes would be in Hogwarts, except the 3 upcoming chapter. So, I am warning you they might be a tad gloomy but I promise that Lily and James normal bickering would be back! so bare with me.
Of course, all reviews are most welcome!
Special thanks to those who favourited and followed the story! :D
I'll be fine. Lily Evans chanted to herself that phrase over and over again, wishing that perhaps her subconscious would absorb its meaning and finally let her in peace of mind. Everything would be okay. Her family would be okay. She repeated over and over again.
But what family was she talking about?
It was barely the mid of her summer vacation and in a few weeks, Hogwarts Express would leave King Cross station filled with students and hopes and dreams for this year.
But Lily Evans won't be on that train.
A shrill boomed from the living room, vaporizing Lily's thoughts and wonders as she ran to where the scream erupted.
"Oh, what's wrong with you now?" Lily asked as she carried the baby in her arms, rocking her back and forth with motherly tenderness ,"I'll go and fetch your milk."
As tender as she could be, she lowered weak hungry Alice into her bed and ran to the kitchen, testing how hot the milk was on her delicate skin. The act was so familiar and routine-like now, practiced for more than two months. Two months of solitude and agony. Two months of running a home and taking care of a baby. Two months of muted screams of her own and her ill-sister with no one to hear but the walls surrounding them. She closed her eyes, fighting the whirlpool of gloom that threatened to take all over again, fighting the impulse need to scream, closing her eyes so tightly shut that only one silent tear managed to escape.
It all started last year, when her father was sacked out for pure financial problems in the company. They started selling a lot of their furniture, clothes and electronics, scraping every penny they could get and barely buying enough food. When the situation became hopeless and the amount of bills they had to pay could be mistaken for a mould for the Himalayas, Mr. Evans found a job outside London for him and his wife, far in the poor sides of England, a place where their five-month-old baby would never survive in. Alice, whose skin was as pale as onion's and her vigorous shaking which hit every now and then, was surely in no good state for travelling . One look at her, and any one acquainted with the wizarding world, would know that Alice was not born to be a muggle. Doctors never understood what was wrong with her.
With that, they left the baby with Petunia, if only temporary, who shoved Alice into Lily's arms the moment she laid foot in London.
"It's only right to let a freak take care of the other freak."
And she fleeted.
Two months had passed, two months and there was no hope of her mother and father returning soon. Two months and she hadn't heard a word from Petunia. Two months and everyone is getting packed to go back to school.
She knew what any sane person would tell her to do. Go to Saint Mango, give them the baby, let them do their work. And she did, she let them examine her but they never knew what was wrong.
"Leave her and we would do our best."
But one look at her sister, who shared the same emerald green eyes, yet dark hair, and she couldn't get herself to give her away. Lily never knew when she exactly decided to give up her seventh year, to give up her magical career but it seemed right. She would stay, she would keep her muggle work and she'd take care of Alice.
She also knew that if she gave up her studying magic, then she'd be better off giving up the whole wizarding world...
Her door's bell rang unexpectedly, tearing her thoughts apart. Vaguely wondering who could actually come and visit, she opened the door. Her jaw dropped and, for a second, she thought that missing Hogwarts must have made her see hallucinations.
"Hey, Evans." greeted James in a careful voice, it seemed slightly hopeful, slightly taken away.
Lily just stared at him for a few seconds, trying to register James' presence on her front door. He was wearing a simple T-shirt and jeans, leaning on the door's side, his hair was ruffled as usual and he seemed to have grown during the summer.
"Oh," She managed to say after a whole minute of staring, "Oh, hey."
It didn't feel right, having James, the emblem of her magical life, standing on the door of her muggle house. It felt oddly out of place, as if two dreams have been awkwardly sewn together.
"Yeah, umm, I came here to deliver you your Head Girl badge. The school tried to send it to you by owl but for some reason it seemed like you never received it. I was at Dumbledore's so he suggested I'd deliver it to you."
And it hit her, the magical life of the Lily Evans she was out there. The Lily Evans whom teachers adored and students looked up at. The Lily Evans who was extraordinary, the girl who was someone rather than a cashier in the supermarket at the corner of the street. She was a Head Girl, her heart ached with her loss, and that was exactly why she closed all the windows and didn't let any owl inside. She blocked the chimney as well, hoping that the school wouldn't be so persistent in sending her the letter.
She looked to the side for a moment, took a deep breath before looking back again. Her throat felt soar and the breath seemed to tear parts of her flesh as it made its way to her lungs. James's hand was stretched, waiting for Lily to grab the letter.
"No," She said, pushing his hand back again, "I don't think I'll need this."
James looked confused for a moment.
"You got another badge?" He asked.
"No. I am not going to be a Head Girl." She said the words slowly, giving James enough time for the words to sink in.
"I don't get it,"
Lily' normal reaction would have been snapping at him, letting him fully understand that she didn't expect him to have brain cells to understand. Yet, she had no energy to be angry, it wasn't exhaustion but something deeper and colder stretching inside of her, sucking her soul, letting her swim in incessant numbness...
In the calmest voice she could master, she said,
"I am not going to Hogwarts,"
As James was drinking an orange juice, Lily told him, always looking downwards then raising her eyes every while and then to watch his reaction, in a quiet voice about her reasons for abandoning Hogwarts, thus, her whole magical career. James was just staring at her, trying to make sense of what she was saying with his mouth opened slightly.
At that moment, James wasn't just James. He was her only connection to the world she's turning her back to. So, for the first time for two months, she spoke. She spoke about Alice, about her mother and father, about Petunia, about her work in the supermarket, about her manager who tried to harass her once...
And with every word she poured out, she couldn't help the tiny part which wondered whether James would have the slightest interest to listen after her outburst last year, so she kept her eyes down, hiding her burning cheeks, her tired eyes, her fatigued soul.
After what seemed like ages, there were no more words to say, no tears left to shed. She felt ... lighter. As if part of her sorrow was clinging to the words she kept to herself. She inhaled, and the air seemed fresher.
James got closer to her, his right hand sneaked towards hers and held them, giving her that reassuring squeeze. When Lily didn't pull away, he ventured a bit more, his left hand brushed a strand of her hair then pushed her head towards him, making it rest on his chest.
"Everything will be alright, you know," He whispered into her ears, still holding her," You'll go to Hogwarts, you'll be the Headgirl and you'll pass your NEWTs with flying colours. Hogwarts is not going to lose the brightest witch of her age."
And Lily sank in, sank in his embrace, in his cologne, in his warmth. She sank in and as part of her shrieked, this is Potter, the proud git who turned your life as well as countless others to hell. This is Potter who kept hexing Severus, who is so conceited, who played pranks and broke rules, she didn't utter a word.
She was too broken to resist now.
However, her thoughts seems to have been readable cause he suddenly dropped his arm and murmured, "I'm sorry." His hazel eyes dipped in green, like the turning leaves of Autumn, were a mixture of worry, concern and embarrassment.
"It's okay," her soft voice was barely above a whisper and she nuzzled into him more.
James came over the next day, and the next and the next and Lily couldn't find a single reason to act instinctively and object. At first she tried to ensure him that she'd be okay and she could handle it all by herself, then she tried to tell him there was no need to come every day all this distance from his house to hers. At that point, James smirked and told her he'd passed his apparating test that summer, being older than her.
James Potter, whose family's wealth was one of the greatest between all wizarding families, took care of everything. He went with Lily to St. Mungo's hospital to take care of little Alice , he secretly paid for all her family's bills and, after talking to his father, the company called Mr. Evans and told him that his respectable place at the company was waiting for him once again. Lily, of course, knew nothing about this and the only help she was aware of was him convincing her of not abandoning the wizarding world and going with her to the hospital.
All of this was done in a month time, in which James visited her every day. Before putting Alice in the hospital, she kept her with him instead of taking her to work. James was sure that if he suggested getting a babysitter, Lily would go round the bend at the idea of him paying (he once vaguely hinted the idea and the look on her face was enough to shut him up.)
"So, when are your parents arriving?" It was a beautiful summer night and James was stretching over a couch in the living room with a bowl of chocolate ice-cream. Lily was washing the dishes they have just had dinner in.
"In two weeks, I'm glad they'd be able to see me before going to school." She said, as the sound of water splashing over the dishes filled the kitchen.
"But," she continued, "could you believe that? Dad suddenly got his job back. He didn't even mention anything about the bills."
"Maybe he was able to save enough there." James suggested, trying to sound as casual as possible.
"Maybe," she said, "maybe that's why he was sending me so little." Then after some thought she added "I hope Alice would be okay. Her face was even paler today when we visited her. What did the healer tell you?"
James sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before mouthing out some more lies. "She'll be okay, she just needs some time."
No, she wasn't going to be okay and he knew it. The wizards were no better than muggles in medicine and some of the diseases both of the worlds shared were still incurable. Alice had extra magical charges, and she's in a late stage and her situation is getting even more dangerous over the days. He talked to a lot of great healers, begging them to help her and with promises they would do the best they could, they didn't try to hide the hopelessness in their voices. It was either Alice would lose her magical powers or would die of their extra charges, both fates made his heart ache so dreadfully.
Lily finished washing the dishes, her face seemed to have gained more colour over the past few days, her features looked softer and her soul radiated faintly that aura that always accompanied her. It was now possible to see a hint of that Lily James knew. The days when she once used to feel, to get angry, to laugh till her sides ache, to blush with warmth, to rage with steam, they all seem so far away now, beneath a cloud of dust and carbon. He could remember the day Severus said she was a mudblood. That day, Lily went to the Astronomy tower and cried till her eyes ran out of tears to spill. James was there, he tried to comfort her but she gave him that look, that even when she's most broken, there were no holes to sneak through. She was strong, even in the moment he could remember her hurt the most. Even in anger, there was passion and attachment. These attachments she always established to people, things, books, teachers. It was as if every single thing in this world was able to provoke an action of her, to tease or infuriate or amaze her. That Lily was no where to be seen from the beginning of the summer, but now, he could feel her traces. Her strength was building again, slowly and cautiously, careful not to hope too much and lose the strength she maintained so far. She was growing again to be herself and James couldn't let his eyes off her. She was beautiful, her red hair was falling in waves, her green eyes were gleaming again through the mist and her lips were smiling softly.
She sat beside him on the couch, watching some program that Lily wasn't paying attention to. James noticed.
"Would you like me to change the channel?" He asked immediately.
"No, no. It doesn't matter. I am not in the mood to watch anything actually."
James looked at her, his fingers traced under her eyes.
"Is there blackness under my eyes?" She looked directly at him.
"No, it's much better now."
"Better," She snorted, "I look like a zombie"
"A gorgeous zombie" He grinned and Lily grinned as well. She was now familiarized with James' touches; her hand, her hair, her cheeks, under her eyes, her waist and once he ventured touching her lips with his fingers, removing a trace of Lasagna. They were all light, frequent and miraculously relaxing. It was these simple gestures that kept Lily going, fueling her.
"Are you mad at me?" Lily asked timidly, taking James a bit off guard.
"Why would I be mad at you?"
"You know, for what I said at the end of last year," She said looking at him softly, "At the corridor."
James flinched inwardly and Lily noticed it, as his face tensed the slightest bit, his eyes got a little colder...
"D-did you really mean it? What you said at the c-corridor?" He gazed up at her expectantly.
At that moment, Lily wasn't thinking. That bubble of anticipation and hopefulness was expanding in her chest and at that moment when her eyes were locked up with James, something clicked.
"You still have some chocolate on your lips."
With that her face moved forward, leaning to the right and her eyes closed. Her lips brushed James' lower one tenderly, sucking in the taste of the chocolate, backed an inch and looked at him. James' eyes were still closed, his face was frowning a bit as if he was trying to control some insider struggle. The moment he opened his eyes, Lily leaned in again and pressed hers more forcefully, her fingers intertwined with his hair as she pulled him to her, stronger with each passing second. Passion leaked through her pores and James' hands copied hers before dropping to her waist to support her. In a swift motion, he laid her on the couch, lips still connected and minds in the clouds.