Note In the context of After Today, this chapter would be 'Chapter 44a'

It's funny being out for a drink with someone that's not Brendan. It's nice though, because it's Declan I'm with.

We're in this pub and it's busy – it's a Friday night plus it's Brighton which seems like it's busy all the time – but we've got a seat and a couple of lagers, and it's just nice and relaxing after we've spent all day with the kids at the pier and the beach.

"Leah and Lucas getting on your nerves yet?" I say to him when we've been chatting for a bit.

He smiles. "No. They're alright, aren't they. I mean, they're not brats or anything."

"Ta." I have a drink of my drink. "What about Paddy? Must be weird for him cos he's never even seen them till yesterday and now he's on holiday with them."

"He knows about them, though, doesn't he. He's seen pictures, and he's talked to them on the phone before. Only, like, 'hello' or whatever, but it's not like they're just some random kids he's got stuck with."

"As long as he's not feeling like he's on the outside. Cos he's not."

"Mum said she'll phone us over the weekend, so he'll like that anyways." Then he starts fiddling with his drink, like, picking at the label on the bottle with his thumbnail. "He's still, y'know, getting his head around everything. Everything that he found out on that news site."

"Yeah, well, they had to say sorry about that cos half of it weren't true anyway."

"Yeah but Pad doesn't know what's true and what's not, does he. I mean I don't either, but he's just a kid so it's harder for him."

I think Declan's trying to find out things – fishing, like Brendan said – but there's nothing I can tell him that's not going to make him ask more questions.

"All Paddy needs to know is that his dad's doing his best, right? Cos he is, Declan. He's really trying."

"I know."

"Here, Paddy's lucky he's got you, and your dad is an' all cos you've... sort'a forgiven him, or at least... So then Paddy can see that it's okay. That he's okay, your dad is."

"They got one thing in common anyways. Dad messed up Paddy's childhood, didn't he, same as my Granddad messed up Dad's."

"Not the same, no, believe me."

We both get on with our drinks and he doesn't say anything but I can feel him looking at me.

"My dad went apeshit when I said he was like my granddad, d'you remember?" he says after a bit. "It's like there's a big secret or something."

"Look, did your dad ever hit you? You or Paddy?"

"No. I never said he did."

"Yeah, so he might'a been a rubbish dad for you, okay, but he weren't the same as his dad. Can we not go over this all again?"

"Sorry."

I feel guilty now for talking to him like that. He looks like a kid that's been told off.

"You got nothing to be sorry for, Declan, alright? It's just, I've had years of listening to people tell me how bad Brendan is, so I'm just..."

"I get it. So there's no big secret."

"No. Here, you ready for another one? I am. Same again?"

"Cheers."

I get up and go off over to the bar. It's a bit of a wait but then there's a gap where some bloke is getting out the way when he's got his pint, and I think I'll nip in there before someone else does. Only I don't know what happens but I get it wrong. I walk bang into him. And the next thing I know is I'm stood there looking at him, and he's got half his pint left and the rest of it's all over his hand and on the floor.

"I'm sorry mate," I say. "Here, get yourself another one."

"Fucking idiot."

"Eh? What did you call me?"

"Deaf as well, is he?"

I want to smack him one but I've got our Declan with me and I can't get into trouble.

"Look, right, it was an accident." I try and give him a fiver but he won't take it. "Alright, I'll get it, then. Another pint of what that was," I say to the barmaid.

"What about my shirt?" says the bloke. "Never mind my pint, you gonna pay to get this cleaned are you?"

"It's not even wet."

So then we're in this big argument, and the barmaid's telling us to take it outside before we're both barred, and then I see Declan because he's got up and come over, and I just shove the fiver at the bloke in the end. It's a bit funny because it sits there on top of his beer belly and a couple of people laugh before he grabs it and pockets it, and I tell Declan to come on and we get out of there.

So we're down the road – I don't know where we're going, just away from there – and then we hear him behind us. I think he's drunk because he's shouting all kinds and it's not even about his drink any more, he's just having a go. Well, I say he's drunk but he can't be that drunk, because we're walking fast and he's keeping up with us, no problem.

"Where we heading?" says Declan. I think he's a bit freaked out.

I stop and turn around to the bloke.

"Alright mate, I've said sorry. Why don't you go back, eh?"

He ignores me, so me and Declan start walking again and as soon as we start, the bloke starts yelling at us again. But then someone shouts out from over the road, "Who do you think you are?" and I look and it's these drag queens, all dressed up, and they're crossing the road over to us – their high heels are louder than the fat bloke's shouting – and two of them start telling him what's what, about what would his mother think if she could see him now and what sort of bloke follows two young lads in the street? He starts arguing back but then the other two go marching over and he shuts up then, because they're not having it, and off he goes back the way he came. I reckon they've had a few vodkas, these drag queens.

And then we're walking along with them. Declan thinks it's dead funny. They want to know if we'll be okay now, like, if we know where we're going, and we say we'll just wander about until we find somewhere, and they say we're best off going where they're going, Kemptown where there's more gay places and you won't get dickheads like that one thinking he can talk to us like that.

"Is that okay with you?" I ask Declan.

"Yeah, no worries."

"He's not gay, see," I say to the drag queens.

"Don't worry, doll. Nobody's perfect."

:::::::

They've shown us where there's a club that's not as camp as where they're going, they say, although one of them says Declan might like the drag scene because he must be used to men in frocks, because by this time they've found out he's Irish and brought up a Catholic.

So we go off where they've told us, down this road where there's quite a few people outside a doorway waiting to get inside. There's a bouncer there and he's mostly just letting people through, but then we see him stop a couple of young lads and ID them.

"Must be an over-twenty-ones place," I say to Declan. "That's why he's checking them two, cos they look borderline. We'll find somewhere else, yeah? A pub or something, come on."

"You got your ID with you, Ste?"

"I've got me driving licence, yeah, least I think I have. But I'm not gonna go in without you, am I."

"Give it to me then. I'll use it. He's not gonna ID you, is he, if he's only checking borderline people."

"You saying I look old?"

He laughs. "You look more than twenty-one, that's all I'm saying. So come on, Ste, it's worth a try, yeah?"

"You're a right crafty one, you are."

"Like you didn't do anything like that when you were in college."

"I weren't in college, was I." I get my wallet thing out of my back pocket, that's got my bank card in it and my licence. I don't look anything like Declan in the photo, but it's really small so he might get away with it. "Here y'are then. You'll have to say you've changed your hair if he says it dun't look like you."

"What's your date of birth?" Then he reads if off the licence. "Ninth of January 1990." He repeats it to himself a couple of times so he'll hopefully remember it if the bouncer tries to catch him out.

"Right," I say, "I'll go in first and I'll see you inside if you get in, and if you don't, I'll come out again and we'll forget it, yeah? You better give it a few minutes once I'm in, so I'm not still stood in front of him while you're pretending to be me."

"See you have done this before."

It works anyway. I go in, no problem, then I hang around watching the door – some bloke tries talking to me but I tell him no, I'm waiting for someone – and it seems like ages but then Declan comes in, and he laughs when he sees me and he does one of them handshakes that's half-and-half a high five. Well, we both do it, obviously.

"Did he stop you?" I say.

"Yeah, I had to show it to him. Don't think he looked at it properly, thank god."

"Yeah, well, we better get lost before he changes his mind."

We go downstairs to the basement where the club is.

It's not exactly run down but it's not one of them shiny places. It reminds me of our old place in a way. Chez Chez. You know, in need of a lick of paint and like, you don't have to look like someone out of Geordie Shore to be in there. Cos there's places I've been where you feel like everyone's giving you marks out of ten from the minute you walk in, not just for if you're fit but how much money you look like you've got, so even if you're worth a shag you're not worth nothing else. This place is alright though. There's all sorts here.

I tell Declan to stay put while I go and get us a drink, because when I look at him in here he looks dead young, and I think if he was stood with me at the bar the barman would ask questions and we'd end up getting thrown out. I do feel a bit bad for bringing him here, and I want to say to him, look, don't tell your dad we've come here. Only I don't because Brendan would probably be angrier with me for telling Dec to keep secrets than about me bringing him to a gay nightclub in the first place.

I wonder how he's getting on back at the flat with our Paddy.

So I get the drinks in and when I go back to Declan there's this lad talking to him, and I say, "Alright?" and I give him his drink and the lad gives up.

"So he was chatting me up," says Declan.

"D'you wanna go somewhere else instead?"

"It's okay. Least we're not getting hassle from some angry weirdo here."

"True," I say, and then this tune comes on that I've heard coming through the walls in the kitchen at work. "I like this one."

Declan nods and he starts sort of dancing, and we both get into the crowd on the dance floor. I like a dance.

:::::::

I've gone to get another drink and there's two barmen on, and they're a couple I reckon cos they're arguing. It's like they're doing it to make the punters laugh though, and it seems like most of the punters are regulars cos they know their names, so it's good for business by the look of it. Anyway one of them says he'll buy me a drink if I like, cos I suppose it seems like I'm on my own, and I tell him I'm with someone, and so then he does this thing with his hands, makes a heart sign and then makes it broken. He's older than Brendan – older than my dad, come to that – but he's nice and I tell him sorry. Then the other one says, "He'll get over it. Go on, love, give it to him on the house. Compensation for having you undressing him with your eyes."

So I tell him what drinks I want, and I try it on, don't I, I pick the bottles up and turn around to go but he says not so fast. I can have mine on the house but he's not buying a beer for the man that's stole me away from him, and I laugh and I say, "Had to give it a go though, didn't I." He says I'm cheeky, and he makes me pay just for one of the beers. So it's still a result.

This time when I go back to Declan there's another bloke talking to him, and Declan says to him, "This is him," and the bloke goes off.

"You got another fan?" I say.

"Yeah. I just told him you're my partner." He laughs when he says it.

"Why'd you say that?"

"Easier than explaining how come you're my stepdad."

"Yeah, well, we'll make this the last one, eh? Then I won't have to leave you stood on your own no more, so you won't have to explain anything to anyone."

:::::::

We've had more than we probably should've had, and we're later than I said we'd be, but the quieter we try to be coming up the stairs and into the flat, the funnier it is, and then when Brendan appears and he's in a mood, that's it, we just laugh. It's really bad.

He says, "Get to bed," and I'm half way up the stairs before I realise he was telling Declan not me, but I keep going anyway.

Brendan comes into the bedroom and he puts a bottle of water down on the bedside table on my side of the bed, so even if he's pissed off with me – which he is even though he says he's not – at least he's not thinking, fuck him, he can get his own drink or go thirsty. So it's not that bad. So I go over to him and lean on him, and he smells nice, all clean, and I really want him but I know he'll say no, and he does. He says it's because I'm too drunk but it's not, it's just because he won't. So I go and have a shower, and I wank myself off when I'm in there, only it's not much of a wank because I'm too tired and too drunk and it's second best anyway when it's his hands I want on me. It's third best. It's a hundredth best.

He's in bed when I come out. I put on some boxers and I get in and cuddle up to his back, and we talk for a bit. His voice is quiet but I can feel it in his body, all low and nice.

The bed is dead uncomfortable in the middle where I'm lying. I'm going to have to move, but I wait until he's asleep first and then I shuffle over a bit, but he wakes up and he thinks I've got the hump with him for being moody before, so I tell him it's only because there's a lump all down the middle of the bed that's digging in me. And he says it's where they've joined two single beds together to make a double, which I didn't know, and the lads' beds downstairs must be the same, you can make them a double if you want. I hope I'll remember that in the morning.

Anyway we lie there, him on his side of the bed and me on mine, trying to get to sleep. He touches my hand under the cover after a bit, but we're still not dropping off so in the end he sighs and he comes across, and he does the big spoon. It's too hot really, plus he must be on the join of the beds now, but he hugs his arm round the front of me and I hold his hand against my chest like normal, and I fall asleep straight away then because you can sleep when you feel all safe, can't you. When you know someone's got you, it's easy.

:::::::

I wake up early because I'm thirsty, and I lie there for a minute thinking what I'm going to do about this headache I've got. I wonder if I can sneak out and go to the shop without him knowing and get some paracetamol, but either he'd catch me getting dressed or he'd hear the flat door, so that's out. Then I remember I've brought the kids' Calpol with us just in case, and so I slide out of bed and go to the wardrobe where the holdall is, and I find the bottle and take a swig of it.

Brendan's doing that deep breathing that's almost snoring. His hair is all scruffy from the pillow, and I can see the white hairs in his beard. I pull the cover up so it's over him more.

He'll want a coffee when he wakes up, so I put my pyjama bottoms on over my boxers and go downstairs and make us one. He wakes up when I go back up with it, when the bed squeaks when I get back in.

I tell him I'm fine, not hung over or anything, but I can tell he knows that that's not exactly true.

He doesn't actually gloat too much though. We drink our coffee and we have a chat, and he says I look well, which is Irish for I look good.

:::::::

Brendan and Leah have gone to the station to meet Mitzeee and Seth and little Nicky off the train. I've said to Brendan before he went, I'll sort out where everyone's going to sleep while he's out, and once he's gone I don't even have to think about it because I've already worked it all out in my head.

"Right," I say to Declan and Paddy, "How do you lads feel about swapping rooms with me and your dad?"

"What for?" says Paddy.

"Well, there's a spare bed upstairs in our Leah and Lucas's room which someone's got to sleep on or there won't be enough beds for everyone, yeah, and little Nicky is too little to sleep in there cos he'll want to be with his mum, won't he. So what I thought was, we'll shift that spare bed along to the big bedroom, and you two and Seth can sleep in there. Cos the double bed comes apart so you'll have a bed each. Okay?"

"Say that again, only slowly," says Declan. He's like his dad, taking the piss like that.

"You heard."

Paddy says, "So me and Dec and Seth, we're gonna be upstairs now?"

"Yeah. It'll be, like, a lads' pad."

"Pad's pad," says Declan, and Paddy laughs.

"And then Mitzeee and Nicky can sleep down here in your room, and me and your dad'll have the sofa bed tonight, and then when Mitzeee goes home we'll just move into hers, save you moving downstairs again."

"Where am I going to sleep?" says Lucas.

"You're alright, you and Leah can stay in your room." I kneel down and give him a cuddle. "I know it sounds complicated, dun'it, all the arranging, but you'll like having little Nicky around for a coupl'a days, won't you, eh? We're gonna go on the bus to a different seaside today, all nine of us. Does that sound alright?"

He nods and he says, "It's cool." He sounds Irish when he says it, I'm not even joking.

:::::::

I nag the lads to get a wiggle on packing their things up to move upstairs, and I crack on with packing my and Brendan's stuff back into our bags to carry downstairs. I make sure I don't leave anything behind, like, in the en suite or in the bedside cabinets. Anything embarrassing I mean. I mean, I've not even unpacked my squirty thing, but the lube and the wet wipes are in the drawer by the bed – not that I needed to unpack them either, the way he's being – so I grab them out and stick them in the case.

By the time Brendan gets back from fetching them three from the station I've taken our bags down to the lounge and I'm just coming down the stairs again with our bed covers and pillows. I explain it all over again, all the arrangements, and when I tell Brendan we're sleeping in the lounge tonight he reckons we'll be on a sofa each but I put him straight. The sofa bed, we'll be on, both of us.

:::::::

We've got everyone ready. It's not taken all that long, to be fair, because everyone wants to get out of the house and off to the beach.

"So the bus stop is like, two minutes from here, yeah?" says Declan. He's looking at his phone.

"Once we get this lot down the stairs, yeah," says Brendan.

"Okay, so there's a bus in six minutes."

"You got an app?" I say to him. "You sure it works for buses in England, or are we gonna end up in Dublin?"

I look at Brendan when I say it, and he does that smile that probably nobody else would even know that he's smiling, but I do. Then we all get the beach bags and the kids together, and we go.

:::::::

"Hanging off her every word, those two," Brendan says to me when we're at the bus stop, and he nods over to where Mitzeee is stood chatting with Declan and Paddy.

"I know, yeah. I would'a been the same when I was their age, mind."

"I'm sure you would, Steven."

"I'm only saying. You know I liked girls before, so don't go all..."

"Ain't going all anything."

I knock his arm with my elbow and he looks at me, and I say, "Good," and he sort of rolls his eyes like he knows he's being an idiot. And then the bus comes just like Declan's app said it would, only I don't think Brendan believed it until he read the timetable on the bus shelter and it said the same thing as the internet said.

I'm sat next to the window with the sun coming in, all warm, and Brendan's the other side of me and he's just as warm, and just from where I'm touching him – with my knee and the side of my arm – it makes me imagine how heavy he is. I don't just mean in that way. I mean, he's here.

I'm glad I've got my sunglasses on because I can feel tears in my eyes. All that time I missed him, and now he's here.

:::::::

It's a different sort of beach, this one that Brendan's found for us. It's a bit pebbly up the top but mostly it's sandy, so it's not like the one in Brighton, plus it's not so crowded even though it's a lot smaller.

"It's lovely and quiet," Mitzeee says. "Well, it was before us nine invaded anyway."

"Lowered the tone, have we?" says Brendan.

"Speak for yourself," says Mitzeee.

We walk along until we find a good place to sit, and then we spread out some towels and dump our bags down. The kids are itching to play in the sea, specially little Nicky, and the three lads – our two and Seth – don't hang about, they're off swimming before we've even finished putting sun block on the kids.

"We'll have to take turns staying here to mind the bags," I say.

"Yous two go with the kids," says Brendan. "I'll stay here."

"Are you sure?" says Mitzeee.

"I ain't one for frolicking, Anne."

"I'll stay too actually," I say. "Keep you company."

"You gotta look after the kids in the water, Steven. Go on."

"I don't want to go in the sea yet," says Leah. "I'm going to stay with Brendan."

She sits down next to him.

I smile at both of them. "Alright then. See you in a bit."

Lucas has run off anyway so I leg it after him and we go for a paddle and a splash around with Mitzeee and Nicky. The lads are further out but when they see us they come up.

"My dad not coming in?" Declan says.

"He's minding the stuff for now."

I look round, back up the beach where Brendan's sat with Leah. They look like they're talking, and the way they are together, anyone that saw them would think she was his daughter and they'd be right because she is now, just as much as she's mine.

Someone splashes me from behind. When I look to see who it was, Paddy's grinning and Lucas starts laughing.

"Wasn't me," says Lucas, and I chase him and grab him. He's slippery so he gets away and goes running through the water and hides behind Paddy, and I pretend I can't see him, and the lads play along too. Then little Nicky wants a go, and Lucas is all, "Hide behind me!"

Mitzeee's got the skirt bit of her sarong lifted up in her hand in case she's got to run in deeper than her ankles, but we're okay just watching actually, because the lads aren't letting Lucas or Nicky get out of reach. Seth's used to it, I suppose, from being with Nicky; and Declan and Paddy are picking it up from him.

Nicky gets tired after a bit – well he would do, with his little legs – so his mum takes him back up the beach, and whenever I look over, he's playing in the sand with Leah, and Mitzeee's sat with Brendan. I think Brendan might come for a swim now that Mitzeee's there, but he doesn't.

:::::::

Lucas is standing at the edge of the water, just where the waves come in over his feet and out again. I go and stand next to him.

"You had enough for now, mate?" I say.

"Yeah," he says.

"What d'you wanna do? Go and play with Leah? Or have a rest?"

"Where's the rock pool?"

"Is that what Brendan got you that net and bucket for?"

"Yep."

"Right, well, I think the rock pools must be over there cos that's where the rocks are. We'll go and fetch your net then, eh?"

"Then Brendan can show me."

"Charming," I say to him, acting like I'm all offended. "How d'you know I'm not better than him fishing in rock pools?"

Lucas laughs, and I shout to the lads that we're going back to the others, and me and Lucas walk up the beach.

"Lucas wants Daddy Brendan to go and look in the rock pools with him," I say when we get back.

"That so?" says Brendan.

I put Lucas's T-shirt back on him and some more sunblock. Then I stand and watch them go off. The rocks must be slippery because Lucas grabs hold of Brendan's hand when they're walking over them.

"Could you possibly look any soppier?" Anne says to me.

"Shut up," I say, and I sit down with her. "Did you wanna go for a swim now, Mitz? I'll mind these two if you want."

"No, I'm fine. I will in a bit but it's nice just sitting here."

"I suppose you miss it, do you, being by the sea all the time?"

"Less than I thought I would. I mean, it's lovely having the Pacific on your doorstep, but..."

"Oh yeah, all that sunshine must get really boring. You do remember what rain's like, do you?"

"Yes, thank you. Do I need to remind you I lived in the north of England for the first twenty years of my life?"

"More than twenty, Mitz."

She smacks me on the arm.

"But seriously," she says. "Where you want to be doesn't depend on the weather, does it."

"I know. It's who you're with, innit."

"Exactly."

We both smile.

"It is nice to have this nice weather though to be fair," I say.

"But you appreciate it more when you've lived through endless buckets of rain."

"Is that a metaphor?" I say, and Mitzeee looks gobsmacked.

"You know what a metaphor is?"

"It's when you wanna say something, but instead of just saying it like a normal person, you say it like you're talking about something completely different so that no one hardly knows what you're going on about. Something like that anyway."

She laughs. "How did you know that though?"

"What, with me being so thick, you mean?"

"No, Ste, that's not what I mean, because you're not. God, I'd never even heard of a metaphor, never mind know what it means, until I'd written the first draft of my novel and my editor was telling me how I could make it better. She had to explain all the stuff I might've known if I hadn't spent my school days trying so hard to get a GCSE in boys."

"Brendan told me once, that's all. He was going on about something and I didn't have a clue what he was on about, and I said that to him, I said that's nothing to do with anything. And he said it's a metaphor. I tried looking it up but I didn't know how you spell it, so I just had to work out what it means from what he said. Am I right then or..?"

"It's... Well, yes, I suppose, yeah." Then she touches my wrist. "Look at those two."

We look at Leah and Nicky, over there making their sandcastle. They're giving it a moat now.

"They're having a lovely time," I say.

"They've got everything they want, haven't they. And so have you by the look of you."

"Mm?"

"You know. Sun, sea, sand and sex..."

"Well, sun, sea and sand."

"What?" Mitzeee says, loud enough that Leah and Nicky stop what they're doing and look at us. She waits until they're busy again than she says – more quiet – "I thought you two were at it all the time? Don't tell me my whole life's been a lie. Well, not my life, your life. In my head. Oh, you know what I mean."

"Er, no I don't."

"Yes you do. Are you not, you know..?"

"Not since the lads came to stay with us, no." I look at her, and she doesn't say anything but she's lifted her sunnies up to get a good look at me and I feel like she's going to keep staring until I explain. "It's not me, it's him. Brendan. He won't, see. It just weirds him out, y'know, doing it when the lads are in the same flat."

"Why though?"

"He thinks they'll hear us."

She doesn't say anything, and I'm starting to think she's decided it's too much information, but she must be just having a bit of a think because then she says, "Declan came over and stayed with you before, didn't he? Was it the same then?"

I nod. "We done it once when he was over, but that was only when he took the kids out for a hot chocolate." That makes Mitzeee laugh, and I can't help laughing too even though I'm dead embarrassed. "Paddy stayed the night once an' all, and we did it when he was on the sofa but..."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Ste, you can't stop there. But what?"

"But we kept it quiet, that's all." I don't tell her how Brendan kept me quiet by putting his hand over my mouth cos she might think it's a bit dodgy. I was alright with it though. I wouldn't mind if he did it again.

"So why can't you just keep quiet again?"

"I would. I'd try anyway. He's not having it though."

"So to speak," she says, and I hide my face. Then she has another think, and she says, "What about the weekends when you've got Leah and Lucas staying with you, Ste? Do the same rules apply?"

"It's only Saturday nights they sleep over usually, and that's Brendan's really late night at work so I sometimes don't even wake up when he gets in, plus he's knackered by then. And if we do do it we're not, y'know..."

"Not swinging from the chandeliers."

I make a face at her. Then I get up and go over to Leah and little Nicky and their sandcastle.

"How are you getting on then, eh?"

"We've nearly finished building the castle," Leah says, "And next we're gonna decorate it."

"What, with shells and that?"

"Shells and pebbles. Will you take a picture when it's ready?"

"Course I will."

I go and sit back down with Mitzeee.

"So you're a noisy one, are you?" she says.

"Shut up. It's not just me anyway, as it goes."

"Oh. My. God. Brendan's a screamer..?"

"More of a grunter," I say, and I look at her and we both burst out laughing. "He never used to be so much but he is nowadays. Listen, Mitzeee, right, you better not tell him I've told you all this or he'll kill me. I mean it, you better not."

"My lips are sealed. Unlike yours and Brendan's, apparently..."

"No, shush." We both sit and watch the kids playing for a minute, and then I say to her, "It is nice to talk to someone about him though. Someone that, y'know, loves him. I mean, it's not like I can talk to Amy about this sort'a thing cos she's..."

"She probably fancies him, does Amy Barnes."

I laugh. "Brendan's said that before."

"A thin line between love and hate, and all that."

"I wouldn't say it to her, mind."

"Very wise."

"To be fair she's better about him nowadays, obviously, or we wouldn't have the kids with us now, would we. But anything I say about him, she'll still turn it against him if she can, so..."

"What about those long lost sisters of yours?"

"It's none of their business, is it. They'd like it if I was with, like, a nice lad I could bring round and they could hit the shops with. But I'm not, am I, so..."

"And Cheryl? D'you talk to her?"

"I chat to her. I love her to bits, Mitz, right, but I'm not... we're not close like we were before she... Anyway that would be well weird, wouldn't it, talking to her about her big brother's love life."

"Ew yeah, I suppose it would. So you're stuck with me then."

"You'll have to do, I suppose," I say, and I smile at her.

"So how long has it been, then? When did the boys come over to stay at yours and put the kibosh on your fun?"

"Tuesday."

"And when do they go back to Ireland?"

"Thursday."

"Ste. That's nine days, assuming you last did the deed on the Monday before. Most people don't even – "

"Yeah, well, we're not most people." I hug my arms round my knees. "Oh god, I sound really bad, don't I. D'you know what it is though? I think I want it more because I can't have it. And what's really stupid is, I know Brendan wants it too, yeah, cos I know how he looks at me. I'm making him want me, right, but he won't do anything."

"Making him? Ooh, do tell."

"Nothing. Just, like, getting changed in front of him, and wearing..."

"Wearing..?"

"Nice underwear and that. Things he'll like."

"Ooh, like what?"

"I wish I'd never said nothing now."

"I'm sorry. I'm interested, that's all. Go on, what are you going to do to get your way?"

"Well, I've moved us downstairs so we'll be sleeping in your room after tonight cos I think it's got to be better. Cos the one upstairs, the bed squeaks and the floorboards creak, so that's made him paranoid an' all. I don't even know if it's gonna help though, because..."

"I'm agog. Carry on."

I do, I carry on after a bit because it's true about how it's nice to talk about him. It's making things clearer in my head.

"Cos I don't think it's just the noise. Cos remember when we got together years ago, when Leah and Lucas were living with us before Amy took them away? Well he was alright doing it there in my flat, and them walls were like paper. And like, at home where we live now the neighbours must hear us all the time, but Brendan doesn't give a whatsit about them. No, I think it's because it's Declan and Paddy, me. Cos Leah and Lucas have always, like, accepted him. They know he went to prison but they knew him by then, so they knew who he was, just a dad that looks after us, and they just..."

"They trust their instincts at that age, don't they."

"Yeah, that's what I mean. So he can just be himself with them. But with the lads it's like, he's still got this thing in his head that he's meant to be straight."

"Bit late for that."

"I know. But that's why they were even born, wasn't it, to prove how straight he was."

"Ooh. That's... quite a big thing then. But they're okay with the gay thing, aren't they? They seem to be."

"Pretty much, yeah."

"And in any case if that's what it's about in Brendan's Brendany brain, how come you did it when you had Paddy round before?"

"I've thought about that. See, what I think is, he thought Paddy staying the night was a one-off. It wasn't official, sort'a thing, cos he just turned up. I reckon Brendan thought it would go back to normal and we wouldn't see him again, so it didn't matter what Paddy thought of us because he'd be gone again anyway."

"Brendan's not said anything about all this, presumably?"

I shake my head. "I don't even know if he realises why he's being like he is. I think he genuinely does think it's just the noise that's worrying him, like any parents would worry about. See, he's come such a long way, Mitz. He says he loves me in front of them, and he's given me a kiss on the cheek before, and it makes me so, so proud of him. And I know he's never gonna be all Gay Pride, and that's fine, neither am I. But this is our holiday. Ours, not just the kids'. And I just wish he could, like, love me, without backing off cos he's imagining what the lads would think."

"Plus, you're desperate for a shag."

"Mitzeee! But yeah, I am as it goes." Then I see Brendan and Lucas in the distance walking towards us from where they'd gone to the rock pools. "They're coming back, look."

"What you need is a night out, Ste, just the two of you. Quality time. You might at least get a nice snog up an alleyway then to keep you going."

"We've got the kids to look after though."

"Anyway, if it's any consolation, your Brendan couldn't be more in love with you if he tried."

"Why? Has he said something?"

"Your head'll be the size of that beach ball if I tell you. Suffice to say, I've made a mental note of it for if I ever write an epic romantic novel."

:::::::

The lads and Seth have gone to get some fish and chips (or sausage and chips in my case, and I'll see if Brendan likes the look of mine.) Lucas has joined in with his sister and little Nicky with making that sandcastle. Mitzeee's gone for a swim on her own.

Brendan comes and sits down next to me. He touches my arm so I look at him, and then he kisses me, as soft as anything.

:::::::

I'm in the sea with Declan, Paddy and Seth, just messing around having a laugh, the four of us, and when I look back at the beach I see Brendan. He's left Mitzeee looking after the kids, and he's coming for a swim. I go and meet him where he's wading in.

He looks amazing. I watch him when he's having a race with Dec and Seth, and he's faster than them. It's his arms, isn't it, and his shoulders, all them muscles. That's what swimmers need, and that's what he's got.

:::::::

When we're back from spending all day at the beach, and I'm making us a salad to make up for all the chips and ice creams we've had, Mitzeee says she'll stay in tonight so that me and Brendan can go out. Seth and Declan are already planning on going to the pub, and the kids will be in bed soon so it'll mostly just be her and Paddy. She says it's to say thanks to us for inviting her for the weekend, but I know she's really doing it for me.

I start thinking it's not going to happen though, because Declan opens his mouth and ends up telling his dad all about last night – how he used my ID, how it was a gay club, about the drag queens. About the bloke whose drink I spilled. About how we both got chatted up. So yeah, Brendan's not happy, but all that sunshine must've gone to his head because he gets over it enough that we're still going out.

The lads go out before us, and Paddy's downstairs, so me and Brendan are going to get changed in their room. I take my clothes up while he's in the shower, and I lay them on one of the beds. I lay my good jeans there, and my new T-shirt, and a pair of pants that he bought me, so I know he likes them. Briefs, they are, white ones. I lay them on top of my jeans so he'll see them when he comes out of the en suite, so he'll know I'll be wearing them. Then I go off to the other bathroom and have a bath.

When I've finished and I'm going into the bedroom again in my towel, he's coming out dressed in a good shirt with the cuffs turned back half way up to his elbows. He looks well sexy.

He's still got a nark on from before though, so all he says is see you downstairs. He annoys me sometimes.

I wish I'd been quicker in the bath so he would've still been in here when I'm doing my body lotion, but I wasn't and he's not so I've missed that chance.

I get dressed. This T-shirt's a tight one. I don't usually wear ones like this. I turn sideways and look in the long mirror, and I look dead skinny, and I hope he'll like it. The way things are going though he'll most likely reckon I look too gay, but I won't know what he thinks until I see how he looks at me, and then I'll know.

And when I go downstairs, I do know. He looks up and down me, and he's still looking at me when he says to Mitzeee, "Don't wait up."

"Thanks for this, Mitz, yeah?" I say when we're leaving. "Night then."

She gives me a wink.

:::::::

When we're on the stairs going down from the flat I tell Brendan not to be in a mood, and he says, "Alright then," and he shoves me against the wall and kisses me so hard it knocks the breath out of me. I kiss him back, and I ride his knee when he pushes it in between my legs.

:::::::

We've not made a plan so we just go in the nearest pub to start off with. It's nice just talking about this and that, like normal.

Course it can't last, can it. We get on to the subject of last night again, and he's asking all about what happened at that club with the blokes that tried chatting me up, and as soon as I tell him I got a free drink off this barman he decides he wants to go there and see for himself. I try and stop him. I even tell him I can't remember where it is, but he knows I'm lying, so we end up there. Me and Brendan Brady, in a gay nightclub in Brighton.

The barman remembers me. Brendan actually cheers up after that though, because he can see that he wasn't the sort of bloke I'd ever go for.

Brendan won't dance with me, obviously. So I have a dance on my own, right in front of him where we're stood having our drink, cos the music's great and I'm a bit drunk anyway. I can feel him watching me even though I've shut my eyes, and when I open them I'm right, he's smiling, and he shakes his head like he thinks I'm daft, but not in a bad way.

We sit down after that, have another drink or two and have a chat as much as we can do with the music going on, only we end up arguing again for like the tenth time about my night out with Declan. This time it's because I just mention that we had a dance, both of us, even though I explain that it was just a laugh, nothing like all the blokes that are dancing together.

"Better not be," he says, so I tell him to sort his head out. And then I leave him sat there and I go off to the toilets.

There's people at all the urinals so I go into a cubicle and sit myself down, and I get my phone out. There's a couple of messages. One's from Mitzeee saying, Good luck with your mission xox. And there's one from Amy. She says, Hope you're all having fun. Maybe speak to L/L tomorrow? Love from us both xx. I don't answer because it's late now.

I go out and head for the bar to get us another drink in. Some guy stops me before I get there though.

"Hi," he says, "Haven't seen you here before."

"You wouldn'a done unless you was here last night. I'm just getting a drink, so..." And I start to move, even though he's really good looking. Dark hair, he's got, and blue eyes but not as blue as Brendan's.

"I'll get it for you if you like?" he says.

"You're alright. I'm with someone."

"Just my luck. How about a dance instead?" He smiles. He's a bit older than me, and I'd say he's nearly as tall as Brendan.

"I better not. Ta though, mate."

"Just till your fella comes looking?"

"He'll be looking already," I tell him. I'm trying to do him a favour but he's still in my way, so I say, "You'll know him if you see him, believe me. He's Irish, he's six-foot-one, and he doesn't like sharing."

And then I hear Brendan's voice behind me. "He's with me," he says.

"Okay," the bloke says to him, then he says to me, "I see what you mean."

"You still here?" Brendan says.

"Leave it, Brendan. Let's get a drink, eh?"

"Alright," this bloke says, "I've got the message."

"Run along then."

The bloke laughs at him, and I'm thinking this is going to get really bad. And then he says to Brendan, "My advice? Put a ring on it. Saves misunderstandings."

Brendan says, "I already did," and he gets hold of my wrist and holds it up to show the bloke my silver cuff.

I pull my arm away so he has to let go. It's not me he's angry at, it's this other bloke and it's probably himself as well, but it's my wrist he's hurting from grabbing it so hard, and it pisses me off.

"At least he wanted to dance with me," I say, up in Brendan's face.

Then he grabs my wrist again and we're looking at each other. That bloke is nowhere. Everyone is nowhere. It feels like anything could happen, and I feel powerful. And then he pulls me by the arm so I'm right up against him in the crowd of people, and we're dancing.

I've seen him dance in a gay club once, years ago, and it wasn't like this. This is us, and his hands are on my bum, and there's hardly any room because it's that crowded but we don't need room because we're stuck together, and his heart's going faster than the music – I can feel it, unless it's mine I can feel – and I kiss him and he bites my lip, and I close my eyes and hold on round his neck.

We just laugh when the song finishes, and we go to the bar and order some beers, and while we stood there he's got his arm round my back and I'm up against his side, and it feels like there's a fire inside him.

At the end of the bar just near me there's one of them safe sex promo things where you can pick up free condoms, and I'm half looking at it just while the barman's opening our bottles, and then I notice it's not just condoms, it's little sachets of lube too. I pick one up and show it to Brendan and I think he thinks it's a condom I'm showing him at first, but then he realises.

So I pay for the drinks because it's my round, but then I ask the barman if he can keep them for us, and he says yes. And then I pull Brendan's shirt sleeve, and he gets what I mean and we go off to the toilets.

We go inside a cubicle. He bolts the door and as soon as he turns around I kiss him up against it. It's like I've took him by surprise (I don't know how he can be surprised, but still) and he just stands there for a minute while I kiss him and kiss him, just with his hands on my waist not even tight. Next thing, it's me that's surprised. He pushes me backwards and sideways so my back's against the wall, and I feel him undoing the zip of my jeans. He's kissing my neck where my adam's apple is, and his beard round his mouth feels wet where I've been kissing him. I remember to breathe.

My jeans fall down, and Brendan looks down at my pants. He smiles. He looks like an animal when he smiles like that, like an animal with white teeth that eats meat.

I have to crouch down to get the lube because it's in my jeans pocket, and as I stand up again my head brushes against his crotch, cos it's cramped in here.

I hold the thing of lube in my mouth so I've got my hands free. I undo his shirt, and I touch his chest, just rest my hands flat on it for a second where the hairs are all stuck down with sweat. Then I get his belt undone and his trousers, and my breathing is making a hissing noise because I'm still holding this sachet with my teeth, and I get hold of his thing and get it out of his boxers. It feels thick and hot. Everything's hot. I look down at it. The end is wet.

He takes the lube and tears the corner off. It drips onto his fingers because it's more runny than our one but it'll do, won't it, and I stop even thinking about it because he's pushing my pants down and he's got one hand round behind me, stroking downwards and spreading my bum cheeks apart, and he gets his other hand underneath me from the front, and he puts his finger in and I go, "Oh," because it feels like it's been for ever, and I rub his thing for him, and then he does another finger and I'm just, "Oh, oh, oh," and it doesn't matter cos the music's so loud anyway.

Then he lets go, the bastard, and like, stands back to have a bit of a look. So I let go of his thing, and it stays up. Like, right up, like, touching his belly. And before I knew him I didn't even know they could go that high up. Erections, like. Cos I hadn't seen one in real life, had I, except mine, and mine never went like that, and I didn't watch porn cos I didn't have my own computer or the right kind of phone and I'd only seen a bit from when lads had it at school or what Justin showed me, but I never looked at that properly, did I, I just laughed.

Anyway, this one's for me, and I'm having it. I turn and face the toilet and lean my hand against the wall behind it, and I give my thing a tug, and then he puts his fingers in. He does that thing where he opens his fingers inside like scissors and it feels amazing and I think I'm swearing and that, and then he takes his fingers are out and puts his dick is right in, and I'm saying all sorts, and we're sort of doing it with the music, him pushing forward, me pushing back, and his balls keep smacking against the back of mine. I feel like we could go on for ever.

He doesn't though. He drags himself out, and I just stay there cos I think he must be going to get back in, but then he turns me round and I'm thinking I'm going to give him a right mouthful if he thinks that's all we're doing after all this time. But then he says, "Get those off." He wants me undressed. So I shake my jeans and pants off my ankles and stick them up on the hook on the door, and then he presses me against the side wall again with his whole body, and we kiss. Then what he does is, he picks me up. I wrap my arms and legs round him so I don't drop down, and he sort of shifts me about till I can feel his thing right underneath me, and then he feels around with his hand and gets his end in my bumhole. It slides in a bit more but it's not right, it just bangs against my insides and it hurts so I tell him to wait and I put one foot on the edge of the toilet and straighten myself out, and then I stretch my arms up and get hold of the top of the wall behind me. If there's someone in the next door cubicle they'll be seeing my fingers coming over the top.

Brendan asks if I'm okay, and I am now. He stays still and I let myself slide down onto him, and there's this few seconds when we're looking at each other, dead still, and it's like the whole of my inside is pulling him in. It's like he's right in the middle of me. That's all I'm thinking. Then Brendan takes a big breath and starts fucking me, and it goes on and on, and my arms and legs are getting tired, but then I can't feel them any more. All I can feel is him where he's touching me, outside and inside, and I come so hard that I hit the back of my head on the wall, and my foot slips off the toilet seat, but it's okay because he's got me. He holds me and he comes inside me, and then he sort of lowers me till my feet touch the floor. I'm shaking. We stand there for a bit, and we kiss for a bit.

We wipe ourselves with loo roll and get our clothes sorted. He sorts my hair out. Then he winks at me and unbolts the door, and we both walk out, him then me, and I don't know if anyone looks at us but I don't care if they do anyway. We wash our hands then we go back to the bar for our drinks, and he puts his arm round my shoulders and gives me a kiss.

:::::::

It's a lovely night. We don't talk much walking back. We have a kiss though, round a street corner off the coast road.

:::::::

We don't put any lights on when we come in, but it's light enough to see that someone has made our bed up for us on the sofa bed. We're getting a bottle of water in the kitchen bit of the lounge, and Mitzeee comes out of her and Nicky's bedroom. She got woken up when Seth and Declan got in a few minutes ago, apparently, because she heard the squeaky floorboards upstairs.

She asks us if we had a nice night and we both say yes. Then she says we can use her en suite to save us going all the way upstairs to the other bathroom. I tell Brendan he can go first, and as soon as he's gone, me and Mitzeee go and sit down on the sofa bed.

"Right," she whispers. "Did you have a snog up a dark alley?"

"Sort of. So how was your night? Did the kids wake up?"

"No, didn't hear a peep out of them."

"Paddy was alright, was he?"

"He was fine. I like him, he's funny and he's sweet. He was hoping his mum would ring today though, bless him. Maybe she'll ring tomorrow."

"She told them she'd phone at the weekend, so yeah, hopefully."

"Now, come on, Ste, spill the beans. Where did you and his lordship go for your date?"

"We went to that gay club, the same one as last night."

"Wouldn't have thought that was Brendan's scene."

"Well it's not, but... It's a long story. And we had a dance there, we did."

She does this little noise that's a cross between a whisper and a squeal.

"Really? Aww, you two."

"Then we... went to the toilets." I can just about see the expression on her face, and there's nothing at first, and then she opens her eyes wide and puts her hand over her mouth and I say, "Yeah."

"Oh my god. You actually..?"

"Yeah."

"Well, well done you." Then she nudges me and she says, "It must've taken you back."

"What?" I whisper, innocent like.

"Oh come on, Ste, You're not exactly a stranger to the old bunk-up in the gents'. Chez Chez? You must have done it there more often than you did it in a nice comfy double bed in those days."

"Maybe."

"I bet you did. Bet you couldn't resist nipping in there for a quickie with him, even when you weren't together. Sex with the ex."

"He was never my ex, was he."

"Mm?"

"He wasn't my ex. He was always my..." I don't even know what the word is. I drink some water from my bottle. "I'm a bit drunk, Mitz."

"Your destiny," she whispers. "And I'm having that for my romance novel too."

:::::::

I go for a shower after Brendan's had his. When I come back, he's on the sofa bed and Mitzeee is cuddled up with his arm around her. She gets up and comes and hugs her arms round my middle and she says, "Don't want anyone getting jealous. I know what you two are like."

She makes me laugh. Cos I'm not jealous, me. Not jealous of her, not since years ago.

"Go to bed, Anne," says Brendan.

"Night night."

"Night, Mitz."

She goes off to her room and shuts the door.

Brendan gets into bed and lifts the cover up for me to get in. We lie there close enough that I can smell his toothpaste.

"I love you." He says it in a whisper, and I whisper it back, "I love you too."