Aggie: Moolie, your stupid plant ate all the Oreos!

Ginny: Good, you're getting a bit fat anyway.

Aggie: Am not, I'm a healthy size!

Moolie: Aggie, your laziness is getting outta hand. How about you join some classes at the gym? Like Zumba or something.

Ginny: Here we go.

Chapter Two: We're Single Ladies

"Get up, fartface."

"Mmmmhrnnhrnhn."

"Nora. Nora!"

Nora's eyes opened wide as she felt a hard kick in her side.

"If I have to suffer through this, then so do you," Azimah stated.

"Suffer through what?" Nora said groggily.

"Zumba!" Eowyn cried, coming into the ladies' chambers. She wore a red jumpsuit and had her hair in a quirky side ponytail.

Nora looked at her, disgusted and sleepy-eyed. She then turned to Azimah. "What's going on?"

Azimah just shook her head and handed Nora a Zumba-patterned waterskin. "Come on."

Nora followed Azimah and Eowyn to the Great Hall where the rest of the company had reluctantly gathered.

"Are you guys ready to go!" Eowyn asked enthusiastically.

"No," responded the group in unison.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" she said, leading them happily out the door to their Zumba destination.

Legolas kept trying to get Azimah's attention. However, his efforts became distracted as Aragorn walked by, a pair of black plastic goggles resting across his forehead.

"Nice goggles, Aragorn," Pippin said. "But I'm not sure how they relate to Zumba."

Aragorn laughed at the hobbit. "Oh, my silly Pippin," he said in a condescending tone. "I won't be doing Zumba today. You see, there's a fine tanning salon, 'You-Ca-Tan', right under the dance studio."

Aragorn paused for any possible questions the group might have had. When no one spoke up, he went on. "Yep, I need to work on my tan here. Startin' to fade." He then flexed his biceps in a way he thought was subtle.

Legolas studied him. "You look pretty tan to me."

Aragorn gave a haughty laugh as if he was simply uninterested in answering Legolas's comment; in truth, he couldn't think of a good comeback.

"I don't see why Aragorn gets to skip," Merry said.

Eowyn frowned. "Why doesn't anyone like Zumba?"

...

"But why doesn't anyone like Zumba?" Faramir complained.

"It's not manly!"

"So, where does this Zumba class take place?" asked Fado as she looked around the rampant war zone. "Osgiliath has an ancient underground mall," Satchel answered as he put on his lime green sweatband and matching leg warmers. "That actually why we want to keep this place. It's not the river we're losing. It's the economy."

"And I assume that the men don't enjoy the mandatory classes?" Fado wondered.

"It's not so bad," replied Satchel. "It's a way to keep in shape."

"You only like it because Kelly's the instructor!" Rob the footman yelled.

"Put a sock in it, Rob," Satchel yelled back a bit too boisterously. "You want a piece of this?" He proceeded to beat his chest like a monkey. "No, but Kelly might," Rob said before skipping off.

"Come, men, to the underground mall!" Faramir shouted before grabbing his maraca Zumba toning weights. He did a quick toe touch before jumping on top of a well.

"What is he doing?" Fado asked as she tied on her lavender belly-dancing skirt.

"We have to keep the entrance to the underground mall hidden," Satchel explained. "So there's this pole leading down to the entrance. Totally top secret. You're lucky you get to see it."

Fado shrugged, unsure if she really was lucky to witness what was about to take place. But she kept quiet as she watched the men jump down the well one by one, hearing an occasional "Wee!"

Satchel patted her back. "We're up."

"What."

Before Fado had a chance to escape, Satchel picked her up and jumped into the well, holding onto the pole with his free hand.

*cue awful 80s montage music.*

"This place is-" Fado yelled above Bruce Springsteen.

"-MAGICAL?" Faramir yelled from the bottom of the pole. Fado could barely make out his silhouette through the flashing neon lights as they descended into the manufactured fog below.

"No, I was going to say hazardous!" she yelled back.

Satchel and Fado finally reached the bottom of the pole, which apparently stopped in the middle of the Chinese restaurant at the food court. Faramir quickly placed an order before running to Zumba class, his merry men following. Fado, after regaining her eyesight, chased after them.

"Hey, fellas!" came a cheerful voice from the back of the Zumba room. Satchel's eyes lit up.

"How are you, Kelly?" he asked hopefully.

From the back came a short, plump, and pretty woman with neon pink pants. "Are you guys ready to sweat!" she said, tying on her Zumba-patterned bandana around her head.

Satchel smiled a Forever Alone smile, trying not to appear hurt that she hadn't answered his question.

From the men came a few reluctant grumbles as Kelly turned on the first song of the class- "Single Ladies".

"Alright, let's go!" she said as she, along with Faramir and a hopeful Satchel, began to dance their buns off in the front of the classroom. Fado slowly disappeared in a group of stumbling men who couldn't quite follow the beat.

"Are you guys single ladies!" Kelly asked over the music.

"We're single ladies!" Faramir and Satchel yelled happily.

"I can't hear you!" Kelly insisted.

"We're single ladies…" the rest of the men grumbled in unison.

"Alright, we're gonna stretch! So, everyone, stretch to your right leg!" Kelly proceeded to bend gracefully to the right. Satchel, who wasn't very flexible, tried to get Kelly's attention by bending as low as he could. Unfortunately, he lost balance and fell forward into the mirror.

"Oh, are you okay?" Kelly asked as the song ended. She rushed over to Satchel to help him up.

"Thanks for helping me up, Kelly," Satchel said, leaning nonchalantly against the mirror.

"What are friends for?" Kelly replied happily. Forever ASatchel smiled on.

...

Aragorn lay out on his tanning bed, totally at peace. He smiled serenely as catchy Spanish music started to seep through ceiling.

"What the Dickens?" he shouted rather loudly. When he opened the tanning bed, he found that the music was causing the cheap ceiling lights to shake. He put on his flip flops, took off his goggles, and marched his Speedo-d bum up the steps to Zumba.

"What is going on here!" he shouted once he burst into the room. Everything, even the music, stopped. Everyone stared at his leathery, carrot body.

Azimah grimaced. "By the Beard of Zeus…"

Legolas began to cry silent, painful tears. Nora shielded Merry and Pippin's eyes. Pippin stopped her, trying to appear manly in front of his woman. Eowyn fainted. Gandalf began to scream, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Gimli farted.

...

Sam was snoring. Loudly. Frodo sat staring moodily at the Ring. He could hear her screaming still. And if not her, the Ring filled his thoughts. And if not that it was Sam complaining about the state of his trainers or something.

Frodo shakily drew the Ring from the chain, circling it methodically with his finger.

"Wake up, Hobbitses!"

Frodo jumped, shoving the Ring back down his shirt.

"Oh, crap, I slept too long," Sam cried, sitting up.

"Yes. Yes, you did," Frodo responded.

"No need to get snappy, Mr. Frodo."

Frodo silently threw Sam a packet of Lembas bread. Sam munched on it greedily.

"You're thinking about her, aren't you?" he asked, spraying crumbs everywhere.

Frodo smiled. "You caught me, Sam."

...

Azimah sat alone in the women's chambers, putting her exercise clothes back in her pack. Her fingers brushed a piece of worn cotton. She quickly fished out the tiny cloth doll and stared at it, smoothing its little yellow dress. Suddenly, the doll slipped through her fingers. Azimah gasped as a wrenching pain seemed to grip her chest.

In a moment, it was gone. Shaking, Azimah picked up the doll and hurriedly hid it deep in her pack.

She walked out of the room as fast as she could, muttering to herself. "Don't think of him. It can't be him."

...

Moolie: Alright, guys, we're heading to the gym!

Ginny: Bye, have fun, don't come back!

Aggie: Ginny, I swear to god if you don't come with us I will-

Moolie: Thaaat's enough! We're on our way, dearies.

*Moolie, Aggie, Carol, and Elephant head towards the door.*

Ginny: Wait a minute… Why is Carol going? How does a potted plant dance?

Carol: Hisssssss!