Chapter 1.5: Pain
"What man does not understand, he fears; and what he fears, he tends to destroy."
-Unknown
Edward:
FLASHBACK
After the birthday party, I went up to my room and I couldn't decide to leave or stay. I wanted to stay so badly, and yet I wanted her to have a happy, normal human life, free of any danger that would be linked to us. Could I, Could I leave her, when it would most likely cause each of us to self-destruct. I don't think I could take it, being without her, but I guess I had to. I had to. No, I didn't, I could very well stay and pretend like nothing happened, but something did happen. I got up off my couch, frustrated, and starting pacing the floor. What are you telling yourself Edward, you don't want to leave. You need her. Damnit! But you want her to be safe, which would never happen when you're still here. I should not be here in the first place, I should be dead, rotted away six feet below the surface. I heard Alice as she was telling me that she was coming in.
"Before you do what you're going to do, let me do this." She said as she flew around my room and got all my CD's and put them into a box. I snagged the Debussy Album from her.
"So you've seen it?"
"Seen what?" She asked as she closed the door behind her. I suddenly grew more furious and threw my massive shelves down, causing a loud crash to be heard throughout the house. I saw the Debussy album in my hands and crushed it. If I kept it, it would remind me of her. I calmed down immediately when Esme knocked on my door.
"Hey," She said, walking in.
"I can't do it Esme...but I have to."
"You will do whatever you think is best, dear. And remember, whatever your decision is, we will back you all the way."
"We must leave. We have to go." I told her. Looking into her warm, loving eyes.
"No." That one word caused everything that's been building up in the last year to come tumbling down. The memory haunted me, even though it happened not hours ago. The look on her beautiful face implied that she actually believed me. I thought that I would have to lie through my teeth to make her believe me. I can't believe it.
The family was all packed and ready to go. I couldn't stand it any longer, if I delayed leaving any longer I might stay. I had already told Bella goodbye, so there was no point. Even if I were to get on my knees and grovel for her to forget that any of that was all a dream, that it never really happened, what person would accept it? What kind of sick twisted person would do that to someone? What kind of person would play with someone like that? Oh, yeah. Me. I'm a monster.
As I saw Alice and Jasper and Esme and Carlisle on the porch, I suddenly pushed the accelerator the the floor and the tires squealed as I sharply peeled onto the driveway. I had no idea where I was going, I just know if I don't leave now, I would never go. I pushed the Volvo as hard as it would go on the highway. Leaving the memory of the girl that had tied me to this world. As I made my way, wherever my car was taking me, I yearned to go in the opposite direction. I kept my eyes on the road, until I finally pulled over to the shoulder and took a deep breath although it was not necessary. I looked at myself in the mirror, and didn't like what I saw. Big surprise there! At least being with Bella made me feel like less of a monster. I wanted so desperately to go back to that foggy town of Forks, that had become home, and be with the girl that had stolen my dead, cold, un-beating heart, but I couldn't. I had caused enough damage.
I wanted to get away. To just go. I got back on the highway. I went to the Seattle airport. I saw the flight board and picked Brazil, it was loading in a little less than an hour. I went up to one of the ladies selling tickets and smiled at her, even though it was a forced one.
Oh my, look at this. He looks so sad. I wonder what happened, did he break up with his girlfriend or something. Oh god, I hope so, Oh, Karen, what are you saying. He just looks so sad. "Hello, can I help you?" She asked me.
"Yes, I want a one way flight to Rio." I told her, handing her my passport and other credentials.
He doesn't look like the business-guy type so it's not business, he just looks defeated. I bet he's running from something. I had to give it to this girl, she was observant. I thought to myself and she stamped my passport and handed it back to me.
"Thank you and have a nice flight." She told me warmly, obviously trying to cheer me up, which came of no use. I just nodded to her, I couldn't bring it to myself to smile. I just ducked my head and walked to the gate. I looked around while I sat down, watching other gates. Watching people return to their loved ones. I made myself look away. I couldn't stand to look at it. I then suddenly found myself thinking about what would have happened if Bella had been at the airport with Alice and Jasper when we came to Phoenix. I ended the thought as swiftly as I started it. If I was going to get through this, I couldn't bare to think of her. Even though I had a picture of the two of us in my shirt pocket. I didn't have the strength to throw it away. I just sat in the gate, waiting for the flight to board, and not soon enough, it did. I got a first class ticket and the seat next to me, so I wouldn't have to deal with anyone. I sat down in my seat and tuned out all of the voices in my head and pretended to fall asleep until our layover. Then I headed to the new gate and we boarded again and I pretended to fall asleep on that flight as well and then after I left the airport, it was one in the morning so no one was out, so I began to run, run faster than I had ever before. Running from the past and not looking forward to the future.