Lisa made one promise after the whole Jackson encounter – she would not let herself go like she did after she was raped. She decided to make her life her own. She was not weak or disgusting as she used to believe. She now knew that she was very strong and capable, and she just had to show it to everyone else. After all, she won the fight against Jackson. But at times, she felt so annoyed because no matter how she tried to change herself, she still had nightmares. They went beyond rape and icy blue eyes. They were about how she enjoyed beating someone and getting beaten back, how she wanted to feel the adrenaline again, how she actually hoped for a fight.
She would never admit it, but Lisa knew that the part of her that wanted to take revenge and kill the man who had raped her was hooked on the power of violence. She didn't understand how she could want to hurt someone and see them bleed. Maybe it was winning the fight with Jackson that opened her soul to her dark side. The same side that helped her win numerous rugby, hockey and lacrosse tournaments. Lisa thought she could never be her old self again after she was raped, but she was now an even better version of her former self.
She was so frightened by her thoughts that she plunged herself in work and physical exercise. She also made sure she expanded her social life beyond dinners with her father. She started going out with Cynthia, some old friends and even 2 hotel clients. For her, being with other people was interesting. She could have good conversations, and pretend to be a flirt. In fact, for the past few weeks, she was learning how to use her body to get things done her way. Something she would have been appalled at before meeting Jackson. But then again, this was who Lisa would have been had she not been raped.
When she went out with Cynthia's cousin and the hotel customers, she was surprised to meet normal men. It was almost fun. But she couldn't even think of trusting them. She had too many bad experiences with men. One who raped her. And one who did God-knows-what to her.
She couldn't understand what she felt for Jackson. It was not hatred and anger as it was for the man who raped her at knifepoint. Lisa was more hurt by his deceit, but almost thankful for waking her up. The real problem was the feelings she had for him – they were a mix of frenzied passion and cool wrath. The hardest part was admitting to herself that she wanted Jackson to come back. She was not stupid; she knew he was alive and that if he would come back, it would not be particularly painless. Hell, she might not even live through another encounter with him, but she enjoyed the fight too much to care. The truth was she only wanted to prove her worth to the one man who knew she was more than what met the eye.