Doctor Who reviews – Series 2, Episode 1 – "New Earth"

David Tennant's first proper episode as the Doctor was an episode I settled down to watch on the sofa with my second cup of tea of the day, carrot sticks, and a leftover slice of cake from my gran's birthday. I curled up and made myself comfortable. The episode settled down and made itself comfortable, too – on a great long conveyor belt of clichés and tired old tropes. I really disliked "New Earth" and I think it's a right shame that this mess of an episode had to come so early in David's run.

The main problem comes down to the script, because everything else is great – Billie Piper gets to show off her acting skills, David Tennant gets to be silly, the set looks pretty expensive, and I'm loving the prosthetics work on the Sisters of Plenitude. They look amazing.

The opening scene is reasonably promising: the chemistry between Piper and Tennant is actually pretty good – not quite as likeable as Rose and Nine's banter, but I'm quite happy to accept this pair. There's lots of excitement in the Doctor's "further than we've ever gone before" and because David Tennant sounds a little bit sexier with his Estuary accent than his natural Scottish one, I was quite, um… er… oh, let's just call a spade a spade, OK? I was turned on. (Fir the record, I know lots of people prefer his natural accent, but I'm a Northerner so I'm drawn to the sexy Englishman all the way. Rant on David Tennant's voice later).

Plus, the year Five Billion and Twenty-Three should be cool… right?

Wrong.

It's just after this that everything falls apart, including the chemistry between the new Doctor and Rose. There was delightful banter between Nine and Rose and Eccleston and Piper bounced off each other perfectly, a playful fight for dominance that was always ongoing, and was made particularly fun when Jack was thrown into the mix. Rose turns into a shallow, giggly girlish character, gushing out, "Can I just say, travelling' with you… I love it!" I know it's exciting and all, Rose, but this is a comment I might have expected from her person maybe in the early Eccleston episodes. And while Tennant's dazzling smile makes me happy inside, it's not enough to satisfy my horrified inner cries that this just isn't good writing. Whatever happened to the Bad Wolf Entity?

But oh God is the plot ever awful. I bring back the idea of a conveyor belt of clichés: body swaps, lab subjects, sinister cat people, and worse of all, the return of Cassandra. Look, I really didn't find Cassandra all that funny the first time we met her, and she's not funny now. The supposed way she "survived" is painfully forced and stupid, and this time she has a new minion named Chip. Sadly Chip's makeup and prosthetics work isn't half as impressive as that of the Sisters.

The body swap serves as most of the gags in the episode. This happens after Rose and the Doctor are separated through the lifts and Rose decides to follow the ~mysterious noises~ at the end of the ~eerie corridor~ only to meet Cassandra and Chip. I didn't find most of the body swap humour very funny, though I enjoyed that Billie got a chance to tread new acting territory. Her 'Oh God… I'm a chav!' was priceless. It was also interesting to see Cassandra being the Doctor's quasi-ally, and I did enjoy that kiss scene.

I was, too, really interested by the return of the Face of Boe. OK, sure, he teleports/disappears before he can deliver his ~mysterious prophecy~ which probably won't come back until the finale, in the true style of viewer-teasing, but it's still pretty exciting.

But oh, God the plot is awful. I don't want to get into it too much, largely because I was so irritated I already forgot the details (I actually watched the episode like a week ago but was way too lazy to write the review).

The lab rats portion of the plot should be bringing some interesting moral quandaries to the table, but it fails to do so completely. Is it moral to experiment on subjects for the good of others? It's a question of utilitarianism – the suffering of some for the good of more. The Doctor, it turns out, might have had a few disagreements with Jeremy Bentham. His speech to Novice Hane pretty much outlines his principles, and what a speech it is!

And by 'what a speech,' I mean melodramatic, over-the-top, and just all-round cringey. Tennant does his best with the material, but there's not much good to work with. From the roaring 'HOW MANY?!' to the overdone 'If you want to take it to a higher authority, then there isn't one. It stops with me!' there isn't much you can do to act well. I've always enjoyed the Doctor's powerful badass moments when he was Nine, so I hope Ten will get some good speeches to work with in future episodes, otherwise the writers will really strip down what to me clearly has the potential to be a brill Doctor. This Doctor might be a little more flamboyant and arrogant than his predecessor but this is a bit of overkill.

He's adorable when he successfully rescues the experiment subjects with er, water with food colouring in it, but even then his lines are cringey. His squealed 'I'm the Doctor and I cured them!' is pathetic, making him sound like a little kid. And when we go back to Nine's equivalent of the 'I saved everyone' speech – Just this once, everybody lives! – it just pales in comparison.

Cassandra supposedly gets character development, but even then it's forced – a sudden change of heart in the blink of an eye. Really the only good thing about this episode is her death scene, and even then it's only good because everything before it was such an abomination.

All in all, a really disappointing episode of Doctor Who; I can only cross my fingers for the next one because I'm just not feeling Series 2 yet, mates!

THOUGHTS AND QUOTES

- I actually just want to go on a rant about Tennant's Doctor. Yes, I do swoon every time I see him. But for all his new arrogance and flamboyance, I also see a much gentler, quieter soul in this Doctor, and either much of his anger, guilt and grief has melted away since the Time War, or at least he's become better at hiding it. His childish nature and wordplay have been fun and totally adorable; I believe that in a better episode he might get a chance to truly use it and use it well. He also has, to me, much more a quintessential look for the Doctor. Not to mention his voice, which is soft with a layer of grittiness to it and it's just so perfect and… *swoons*

- This soundtrack is far too good for a low-budget TV show

- 'It's like living inside a bouncy castle!' I wish I could go on a bouncy castle at the age of 16 without judgement. Living in one also sounds like a lovely idea.

- 'Oh baby, I'm beating out a samba!' I have been scarred for life.

- THEME STILL SO AWESOME!