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Q's on First—Part 2
Janeway looked down to see that the deck of Engineering was now a golden-bricked pavement. Her ruby-encrusted shoes sparkled like two red disco balls casting dots of crimson light onto her blue gingham dress. A small, garishly clad man with a giant purple top hat approached her and pointed down the road. "Follow! Yes, Follow the Road! It will take you to the Great and Powerful Q and if anyone can get you back to the Alpha Quadrant, he can!"
"Q!!!" she shouted.
"Captain? Is that you?" a wan voice cried from under her arm. "Help me, please!"
She found she had been clutching a wicker picnic basket. She cautiously followed the voice and peaked under the lid of the basket. Stuffed inside was a small, fluffy, quadrapedal version of Neelix. She quickly closed the basket.
"Captain! Please! I need to get out of here!" he whimpered. "I can't stand tight spaces!"
"Neelix?" gingerly, she set the basket down, quickly flipped the lid open and stepped back. She felt queasy.
"Ah! That's so much better!" he said as he leapt from the basket and shook his fur with great relish. He noticed the look on Janeway's pretty face, baffled and all framed with pigtails and ribbons.
"Captain! What's wrong? Have I offended you in some way? I wouldn't want to…"
"No, no, ah…Neelix? I'm …I'm just not feeling too well." She explained. It was true. Didn't Neelix notice anything had changed?
"Maybe I can whip you up a nice Blatorian stew," the Neelix-Dog offered. "It's very medicinal."
"No, I'll be fine." She said as she watched the little Neelix use his back leg to scratch behind his floppy ears.
"Excuse me," she said to the small man who now stood among a large contingent of other colorfully dressed little people. "Where are we?"
"Why, you're in the Fabulous and Wonderful Land of Q. You must go see the Wizard of Q."
"Q!!!" she shouted, feeling a vein in her forehead throb.
"Yes, that's it," said the little man brightly, "but he lives in the great Continuum City and you must go there to find him."
There was a commotion among the little people. It seemed they had an unwelcomed guest. With a large puff of toxic smelling fumes, Q appeared dressed in a black gown and pointy hat. He wielded a ragged looking broom and motioned toward the little people, who backed away.
Janeway narrowed her eyes and aligned herself for a confrontation. The little people were hiding under clumps of gaudy flowers and vines and behind candy colored huts.
"Q, this is ridiculous! Return us to our ship at once!"
"Ooo! Ooo" he said like a Halloween ghost. "I am the Wicked Witch of…."
"Stop it! Just stop it!" She was getting one doozy of a headache. Neelix-Dog was cowering behind her ankles, rubbing his jowl for comfort against her little blue socks.
"What! Don't you want to play this game? You did when you were a girl!"
"If this is some crazy attempt to get me in touch with my inner child…."
"Wait for it! Now, wait for it!" He said, getting into character, "I just wanted to say, 'I'll get you, my pretty! You and your little…uh..yee-ick!'" he wrinkled his nose at his Neelix creation, "Well, you know the rest. Now get going! I am not sending you home if you don't play!"
"What's that supposed to mean?" she seethed. "You're sending me back to my ship NOW!"
"Don't you take that tone with me you…you…you whipper snapper!" he said, shaking his long green finger at her. "You landed your Starship on my sister…"
Q revealed a house-size Voyager right behind him. Indeed, it seemed to have crash-landed. Janeway was appalled and approached the ship, with Neelix-Dog following closely.
"As you can see, I had to adjust it for scale, but they're all in there."
"What?" she asked in disbelief as if someone had just dropped a Starship on her.
"Here's the really good part! Unless you get your skinny carcass down that Golden Highway, this is where they will stay, forever." As he said that word, the sky darkened and a thunder crack whipped the air.
As quickly as the storm had begun, the sky returned to a lovely shade of pure blue. "Come to think of it, Voyager looks great right there," he chirped. "I think there should be a few more flowers, here and there." Several gigantic blooms opened around the ship as he spoke.
Janeway carefully approached the vessel. She could see several panicked members of her crew through the diminished portals. "Q, this time you have gone too far!"
"Really? The Continuum thinks I haven't gone far enough, perhaps as far as another Universe would suit those old fuddy duddies…"
"I would have to agree with them," she stated.
"So, what d'ya say, Kate? After all, the only thing you can do now is to play along."
"Why? Why have you done this?"
"Simple. Simple enough, even for you: I was bored."
"If I play along," she said evenly, "you will restore my ship and my people?"
"Yes!" he said with exasperation. "My, you are slow! I told you that!"
"Will you give me your word?" She thought of the files she had studied on Q. Had he ever broken a promise? If she could get him to agree, she might have a chance.
Q morphed himself into the most ungainly Boy Scout in the Universe. "Captain Kathryn Janeway of the USS Voyager, I, Q, promise on my honor as a Q, that you and your ship and crew will all be restored to normal if only you play this little game with me."
Janeway was seething like Torres in the early days. She took a few deep breathes, turned on her ruby heels, and stalked off down the blasted yellow brick road. She could not deal with Q from anger, and she wanted to buy herself some time and settle down before she proceeded. "Who knows?" she thought. "Maybe if I play this thing out, he'll keep his word and return us to Voyager."
Therefore, Captain Kathryn Janeway, accomplished commander of the USS Voyager, leader of her crew, role model, serious scientist, and generally great woman, stomped down the Yellow Brick Road clad in a blue gingham dress with a small silly dog scampering happily at her heels. She was somewhere beyond angry.
"The Wizard of Oz" had been one of her favorite holonovel when she was a girl—Q obviously knew that— but her girlhood seemed like it was such a long time ago. As a young child, she was a work-a-holic student, but even she had to take some time from studies to be a girl.
She passed the cornfield and noticed the requisite Scarecrow. Several voracious crows were pulling pieces of straw from his neck and apparently annoying him.
"Get out of here, you vultures!" he said, haplessly waving them off. "I'll make crow fricassee out of you!"
"Looks like you've found your calling," she commented.
"I thought you'd never get here!" he complained.
"Are you going to do a song and dance, Q?"
"You are such a spoil-sport! Sheesh, if looks could kill."
Janeway was giving him a scalding look. He jumped down from his support.
"Let's get on with it Q. I want to get my ship back."
"Fine!" he sighed.
"However," she stopped and pointed at his straw stuff chest with two fingers, "'If I Only Had a Brain' really does apply to you."
"All right! No need to get nasty!" he said, disappointed and then brightened. "Let'skip!"
"No," she said a she swept off.
"Oh, come on!" he taunted, a few pieces of straw peeling off as he pleaded. "Please. Please. Pretty please?"
"Stop it!" she commanded
Janeway continued down the burnished gold trail exchanging barbs with Q, who was hopping and skipping like a goofy marionette. She was familiar with this part of the journey but something was missing. Q noticed her consternation and enjoyed her quizzical expression.
"Oh, Tin Man," Q called in a sing-song voice. "Come out and play-ay."
From behind a large gnarly tree trunk, a faint but familiar voice refused. "I'm not coming out," he burst. "I'm never coming out!"
"Commander, come here please," Janeway insisted. The sooner we get this over, the better."
"No!" was his simple, muffled reply.
Janeway rounded the tree and confronted her modified First Officer. What she saw there made her chuckle despite herself. Q had morphed Chakotay into the Tin Man, his brown skin turned to bright silver. The reflections on his skin accentuated his perfect features.
Raised silver wire outlines replaced his tattoo and looked arc welded to his forehead. The barrel chest of the Tin Man was a perfect match for Chakotay's normal stocky build. The worst of it was that no part of the costume could be removed. He was now this strange silver being. When he saw Janeway, he wanted to bury himself under a rock.
"Captain, please!" he said woefully and then eyed her from pigtails to ruby slippers. Without intending, he also burst out with laughter, turning the tables on Janeway's derision.
"All right, Commander, that's enough!" she ordered.
"I'm sorry, Captain" he laughed "but you look as ridiculous as I feel." he told her, managing to stifle his own laughter. "Captain, what is this place?"
"Come on," she grabbed his arm. "I'll explain along the way. Where is Neelix?"
"Neelix is here too?"
The little Neelix-Dog zoomed in and around the pair. "I'm here Captain! Oh, hello Mr. Chakotay! My, you look spiffy in silver."
"Captain!" Chakotay exclaimed, astonished by the new, unimproved Neelix.
"Are you feeling all right Mr. Chakotay?" asked Neelix-Dog, playfully jumping up and down on him. "The color seems to have left you face! I've got an old Talaxian remedy…"
"Thank you Neelix," Janeway assuaged him. "Maybe later," He seemed content with her answer and tore off sniffing everything he could.
"He doesn't seem to notice a difference," she told Chakotay quietly. "I don't want to upset him."
"Him? What about me?" Chakotay asked. "That's just disturb…"
Chakotay rounded the tree and came face to face with Q's Scarecrow, who mugged at the startled Commander. "You! What have you done to us?" shouted Chakotay.
"Oh, relax Chakotay! Nothing weirder here than in any of your so-called 'Spirit Walks'". What was that all about the other night anyway?"
"What? Captain?" his look prompted Janeway. "What's going on? Why are we here?"
"Forgive me Chakotay," she said, "but, my people have a story about…Oh, it's complicated."
"Is this craziness supposed to be an Earth legend?" he asked. "I thought Q made it up."
"He's not that original!" she said loudly, and watched Q feign a pout as he shooed away another persistent crow. "Besides, this whole story was a big part of my childhood. Q likes to play with our emotions."
Janeway began explaining the holonovel, as concisely as she could. Chakotay was puzzled. It did not remind him of any Indian legends, but the morals seemed familiar enough. She told him about Voyager's predicament. They had to go along with this silly scenario if they hoped to get back to some semblance of sanity.
"Let's see if I have this. We have to go see this great Q, who is supposed to be Q. He will tell us we have to get a broom from a Wicked Witch, who is Q. And, Q is this character who is going with us as this Scarecrow." Chakotay scratched his funnel.
"Is that it, Q?" she asked wryly.
"If I Only a Brain!" he sang and then pounded a quick percussion on Chakotay's hollow chest.
"Ah!" she groaned.
"Cut that out!" insisted Chakotay.
As they walked along, Chakotay found his joints begin to tighten with each step. Movement became more and more difficult. His expression changed to uncertainty and then froze in fear. He wanted to ask what was happening, but his lips would not cooperate.
Janeway grabbed the oil-can he was carrying and began dropping the liquid into all his joints. Slowly his limbs began to cooperate. After she had oiled his jaw, he was able to ask her what happened. "Is this part of it?" he asked with trepidation.
"Just stay away from moisture, Commander."
"Thanks for the advice."
TBC….
I posted this chapter with some trepidation. It seems my muse is about as fickle (and frankly INSANE) as Q. I never know where these stories are really going! I had no idea I was going to write this, and I almost put it aside and hung my head in shame. It's pretty bad, but I just can't resist!
I consider this a parody and VERY silly to boot, in case you were wondering. I do have some interesting ideas for the future of this story, so I hope you'll stay with me through this portion my dismal period. At least I'm having some fun with the characters, so maybe you won't give up on me entirely! I hope you'll take it for what it is. Berman's people would NEVER do this to the characters, so I have that much to be proud of. Enjoy!