CHAPTER 2 - Best Friend-etta
Ralsei sat in his headcanon study, sipped headcanon coffee from a headcanon mug. It may have been a little psychotic, but he was going to get to the bottom of this whole ordeal.
He was going to find out who killed his friends.
First he had to hack into the public transit camera system, which was the easy part- his science skill was level 100 and he had maxed out his Hacker perk.
Since the location and time of the incident was not open to the public, he had to cross-reference all encounters with the car description (a grey Lexus SUV) with the bars in the area. This was the hard part. He could try to access the private records from whatever agency kept them, but Ralsei liked to play it on the safe side.
Eventually, after rigging a satellite feed to his desktop and using a near-flawless filter, he narrowed down the suspects to seven cars, with a 0.19% chance of error. This was mostly because the traffic cameras were in black-and-white, and some bars didn't have parking lot cameras, or rather, their cameras were smashed in and disabled.
Now all he had to do was research the camera feeds, tracking said cars through the night. He didn't know the exact time of the crash, but from what he did know he reasoned it had to be between 1:00 and 3:00 AM Thursday night, so for several hours he tracked the cars, eventually getting a feel for the cameras, and how to easily control them.
Somewhere between cars four and five, Ralsei started losing time. His eyes snapped open, and not remembering having fallen asleep, he got up from his computer and decided to call it a night. Almost.
Right as he pulled out his chair, he saw a familiar car zip by. A red Camaro. He knew the car. He braced himself, waited for the cars to collide. At the last moment, he looked away. He turned back a few seconds later. The road was empty, not a car in sight. He checked the other cameras. The Camaro was still speeding down the road. After a few minutes of driving, it turned, drifting, skidded to a stop in the middle of the highway. Ralsei narrowed his eyes, almost not believing what he was seeing.
Susie was stepping out of the car, making a motion that looked like her telling Kris to stay inside. She walked in front of the sports car, raised her arms, and got blown back onto the windshield.
Ralsei actually let out an audible gasp, then stopped and replayed the footage. When he focused, he could almost see a blurry something moving towards Susie before she fell, like the heat ripple in the air over a headcanon barbecue, but in a thin, straight line.
The blur penetrated Susie's heart. This time, Ralsei could see the splatter of blood behind her, spilling onto the windshield moments before she hit it.
A minute passed, or an hour.
Then, the same Lexus pulled up beside the Camaro. A sunroof on the SUV opened and a long, black barrel emerged from it, pointed towards Susie's car, which Ralsei realized still had Kris in it.
With a whoosh that actually shook the highway camera, the barrel seemed to erupt and contract, a bright flash exploding from it and filling the screen. When the blinding brightness cleared, all that was left of Susie's car, as well as Susie and Kris themselves, was a heap of twisted metal. There was also a red mass splattered across the hood of the car that looked vaguely like-
Ralsei switched off the monitor. He thought he might throw up, not to mention go insane... but he had come this far. He might as well see...
He started up the screens again. As the Lexus onscreen drove off, he got a glimpse of the license plate. And a glimpse was all he needed.
Ralsei was the passive type, sure. But he had been pushed to the brink of insanity. One's morals can be forgotten once one forgets who he is entirely. If it had been just a simple car crash, he might have let it go. But not this time. Not this fucking time, no. And never again. Something big was going on.
Ralsei had a three step plan. Step one: track down the owner of the Lexus. Step two: find out what the hell was going on. Step three: kill some sons of bitches.
He had the weapons. Well, he had a scarf. And magic. And talent at singing. He would need something else, probably. Like a gun, or several guns. Or a B-57. Until he acquired said things, he would have to improvise. Hardcore Henry style.
He had located the Lexus owner's house, or fortress. It was an abandoned-looking industrial complex out in the desert, which used to be used for making car parts or something.
Ralsei didn't own a car, so he took transit. The nearest he could get was a few miles, which was probably a bad thing because if there were any snipers stationed at the complex, they probably wouldn't take kindly to a pissed-off looking fluffball, especially if they knew who he actually was. In relation to Kris and Susie, that is.
However, every cloud has a silver lining, and this one was no exception. Ralsei had on his side cuteness, the element of surprise, and magic. So that was good.
From the bus stop, the entire landscape looked like an endless dustbowl. He could faintly make out a cluster of rectangles on the east horizon, so he began walking in that direction.
It was about two hours before he reached what he thought was about the middle. He found a rock jutting out of the sand and set his backpack down, pulling out a sandwich and a juice box. After he finished his lunch, he cleaned up, making sure not to litter, and began the rest of his long walk towards either certain death or imminent manslaughter.
The sand had caked his fur, and the sun had nearly blinded him, but he was finally there. He could see tire marks leading into a large metal garage door so he looked around there for possible entrances, even circled the building a few times. The walls were solid concrete- a few feet thick, by the looks of it. There were no other visible entrances, so Ralsei decided to use a little trick that had helped him many a time before.
Ralsei sucked in a deep breath and began to sing. It was a haunting melody, and it rang out against the stark silence of the desert around him. Soon enough, he started to hear clanking, and voices, and then more clanking. Eventually, the garage door opened, revealing a large empty room. At a loss, Ralsei stepped inside. Immediately, the door closed behind him. There was no turning back now, he figured.
A wall of the room popped back to reveal more room, and also a bearded man who seemed to simply step out from behind a wall that was not seem to exist previously. Ralsei blinked. The man stepped forward.
"Who are you and what is this place?" said Ralsei.
The man didn't respond, only gestured to the wall behind him, which suddenly turned into a window. Behind the window there was a smaller room, which looked like a recording booth. Inside, a lady with a ponytail pointed at Ralsei, and the man, without looking back at the woman, grabbed him by the armpits and hoisted him up.
Ralsei threw some wild kicks, one landing square in the man's groin. He flinched and dropped Ralsei, who proceeded to beat the shit out of the guy in a blind rage. Even though the man was a foot and a half taller than Ralsei and of considerably more physical stature, he was slower, so Ralsei had an advantage.
Ralsei punched the guy's crotch and kicked him in the chest, knocking him over. He grabbed a hold of the man's head and broke his neck in a quick but sickening twist which made the goat child cringe.
A door swung open and several men rushed in. Ralsei felt around the first guy's pockets and found a switchblade. He flicked it out and sized up the men. There were three of them, and they were holding guns. Not getting out of this one easy.
Ralsei looked around desperately, for an exit or something. He tried flirting with one of the guys but he just stared back in confusion. Another man cocked his gun.
The toothpaste boy tried to move quickly, hoping to get one of the guys to hit another one or something. He should have known better; he faked going one way and got shot in the leg. Immediately he felt it, like... well, it was like getting shot. He doubled over immediately and held his wound, sobbing gently.
Two of the guards looked at each other, a third approaching Ralsei. When the bouncer got close, Ralsei flicked out the switch and slashed it across his face, leaving a red streak. The man screamed and dropped his gun, stumbling back.
The other two guards were more cautious, raising their guns. Ralsei threw the switchblade at one of the guards and missed, sending it clattering against the wall behind him. The guard didn't even flinch.
Ralsei was defeated. He was weaponless and powerless, in a room with two muscular bouncers ready to shoot him, and bearing a leg wound. He was losing blood, and quick. There were steaks in his vision. A nap sounded good right then, so he lied down on the concrete floor...
The goat boy woke up on a metal plate, a light shining in his face. He blinked, closed his eyes, opened them again. He tried to move his head to look around and was immediately greeted with a searing pain at the base of his skull. He stopped trying to move, tried to get a good look at himself. His arms and legs seemed to be strapped to the plate he was lying on, and he couldn't feel his left leg below the knee.
There was also this buzzing sensation at the base of his skull. It didn't make sense at first, but eventually the message was clear:
KILL. THOSE. BASTARDS.
Ralsei didn't care about the pain anymore. If he didn't kick some ass he knew the buzzing would become burning anyways, so staying put was moot. He strained against the links that were strapping him to the table, and found that they broke easily. He sat up and looked around. Industrial-medical looking room, like an old hospital. He got up and looked in a mirror by the sink. He found that he looked like shit. His fur was matted with blood (whose, he didn't know), his robe was torn to hell, and he looked like he had just been run through a garbage disposal. Also, there was a flashing red light on the side of his head...
The door burst open. Ralsei immediately grabbed a syringe and flung it in that direction. Amazingly, it hit right in the neck of some dagger-wielding mercenary who had probably come to kill him or something. The merc crumpled to the floor, dropping his blade. Ralsei walked over to him and grabbed the dagger, pocketing it. He could see the hallway stretching out in front of him, past the doorframe. He had no idea where he was, but he wanted to escape, so he began to walk down the hall.
There were doors on either side of him, but none were open. He rounded a corner and came to a split. He turned right, then left at another split. He traveled like this for what could have been hours. Eventually he came to an open door on the right. Dagger at the ready, he looked inside the room and saw nobody. However, there was a staircase going up, so he went there. He could hear footsteps above. Once he reached the top of the staircase, he peered into the next room and saw two of the same mercs.
In an incomprehensible flash, Ralsei jumped on one of the guys, slit his throat with the dagger, and flung it at the second guy, who was impaled in the heart. It took about 3 seconds for this entire process to happen.
Ralsei continued up the staircase, holding his dagger. He passed a few rooms that were empty, some with mercs in them and some without anyone. Ralsei killed who he needed to, quietly and efficiently, taking what he found useful. Eventually, he found a silenced handgun in the waistband of a merc. He held the knife under the gun, pointed outwards.
He rounded a hall, stabbed a guy around a corner. A merc tried to tackle him; he slid out of the way and shot him in the head twice. He continued down the halls.
Eventually he came to the end of a very long hall. There was a mechanical double door in front of him, with glowing green lights arranged in a circle around a large lever in the center of the door.
Ralsei tried to kick in the door, and ended up with a sore foot. Now was the time to use his magic. Asriel Anagram pulled his wand out of his headcanon asshole and shoved it between the lever and the door. "Hello Gamora," he whispered, to the confusion of Gamora, who was standing right beside him and somehow didn't get the fucking joke.
Speaking of excuses for me, the author, to confuse everyone reading this, Gamora sealed the room and pushed Ralsei onto the floor, throwing off her coat and staring at Ralsei with a look in her eye, a passion so intense it bordered on madness. "Ralsei", she whispered, "Ever since I was summoned into existence for the sole purpose of this bit, I have had a burning desire for you and your beautiful minty body. If I was into bestiality, which I am, I would be fucking you right now.
Ralsei gulped and blinked. He stuttered for about a quarter hour and then cleared his throat and spoke. "G-Gamora, what do you mean?"
Gamora flicked a strand of hair out of her face. "I think you know, Toothpaste Boy. I want to ravage you in such a fierce manner, your goat penis falls off, or something to that degree."
Ralsei gulped and blinked. He stuttered for about a quarter hour and then cleared his throat and spoke, in an accent thick with autotune.
Head, shoulders, knees and toes
I could never wife these hoes
Bitches never wanna try
Modern bitches make me cry
Gamora began to sweat. "Look, kid, do you want this to be like, a rape thing or just a normal smut?"
"Ah, you got me there. In that case, a normal smut, I guess."
"Good."
- A/N: Just kidding lol I'm not writing that -
Gamora unbuttoned her vest thing, exposing her bra and showing off her cleavage. She pulled Ralsei's robe over his head, leaving him wearing nothing but a pair of dark green checked boxers and his wizard hat. And glasses. Can't forget about those. Lol.
Gamora caressed Ralsei's thighs, rubbing his fur and making her way up to his crotch area, occasionally kissing him on the inside of his thigh. After a few minutes of this, she slowly slipped her hand into Ralsei's boxers, brushing against his cock. Ralsei blushed but didn't pull back. Eventually Gamora pulled his boxers down his legs, still fondling his manhood. She began rubbing Ralsei's dick up and down, until he began moaning. Then, she slowed down and eventually stopped altogether. She crawled up to him, kneeling between his legs and kissing him softly. They kissed for a few minutes, Ralsei blushing furiously, Gamora rubbing him all over, and I mean all over.
Eventually Gamora pulled away and pulled off her leather leggings, exposing her bare hips and thighs, and took off her bra, letting her firm breasts fall out onto her chest, bouncing a little. Looking Ralsei in the eye, she began to kiss his cock. She pressed her lips against the tip, gently at first, and then using tongue. She eventually moved down to the head, licking and caressing but never putting it entirely in her mouth. She put her hands on Ralsei's hips and lowered her head so that his dick was at about eye level, then rotated her face upwards so that it rested across her face. She reached out with her tongue and licked Ralsei's furry balls. She licked one testicle, eventually using her tongue to bring it into her mouth where she would suck on it, then did the same for the other, eventually ending up with his entire nutshack in her mouth.
After Ralsei's balls were thoroughly moist, Gamora went back to his cock, letting go of his balls and letting her tongue run up Ralsei's shaft. His dick, still soft (Ralsei had a slight erectile dysfuction) flopped over onto his stomach, and Gamora pressed it into his abdomen, using her mouth and lips to moisten it. Then, her hands still on his hips, she let it naturally flop back between his legs. She suckled on the tip again, this time taking the entire thing in her mouth.
Ralsei, remembering that his erectile dysfunction was actually a misdiagnosis, was affected by the placebo effect, and became more erect. Gamora felt Ralsei's dick harden inside her mouth. Once it was about half hard, she began to run her lips up and down the shaft, once reaching the tip suckling on it and running her tongue over the hole, and upon getting to the base looking up at Ralsei and feeling the tip touch the inside of her throat.
Ralsei had a 100% complete boner at this point, his full length measuring just under six inches. He blushed and shivered as Gamora sucked on his penis. As she went on, he felt a sensation that he had never before experienced but felt intoxicatingly ecstatically euphoric. He moaned as his girth expanded.
Gamora kept running her mouth and tongue up and down Ralsei's throbbing member, a bit slowly but at a steady rate. She could feel his girth pulsing inside of her, and thought she could even feel his heartbeat.
Ralsei, overwhelmed, cried out something unintelligible but recognizable, a cry of anguish and lust, of exhilaration and climax. All at once, it happened; Ralsei gasped as he felt a wave of intense ecstasy flow over him, his appendage throbbing, pumping and pumping his ejaculate into Gamora's mouth. His load was tremendous and came quickly but lasted long. It felt as if his very being was gushing into Gamora's throat. His cum was plenty, and filled Gamora's mouth and throat.
Somehow keeping it all in her mouth, Gamora licked the excess of Ralsei's semen off his dick. She then leaned in and full-mouth kissed Ralsei, pushing his fluids into his mouth, some leaking out onto their naked bodies. As they shared Ralsei's cum in their mouths, they also shared each other's tongues, French kissing each other passionately, until Gamora pulled back and slurped Ralsei's seed out of his mouth, leaving only a small pool beneath his tongue. She looked into his eyes, and smiling, swallowed his ejaculate with a satisfying gulp.
Ralsei, fully dressed, sat on the floor and pondered the moments beforehand, and reveled at the feel of not having one's virginity with them. Gamora had taken it from him, but he was ready to give it away. It comforted Ralsei to think that his V card was resting peacefully somewhere in Gamora's digestive tract. Then he wondered about how his semen would come out the other end, and quickly abandoned that train of thought as it flew off its rails and plummeted into a ravine.
Hold on, Ralsei thought. What the hell was Gamora even doing here, conveniently waiting for me to show up so she could suck my dick.
At the same time that Ralsei had this thought, Gamora stepped in front of him... except she was changed, somehow.
It happened in her face at first, it became more rigid and lost some of its naturally rich green color. Then her maroon hair began to thin until it suddenly disappeared, and, still naked, clothes began to form around her supple form. Her curves became... not curves... and the dagger in her hand shortened and warped until it became a key, and from there a key fob. Her sword on her back changed into a guitar.
Gamora had just changed into CHRIS BALLEW! She... or I guess he, since it's Chris Ballew, raised the hand with the key in it. A faint chirp chirp was heard behind the wall next to Ballew, and then...
A grey Lexus SUV crashed through.
Ralsei was shocked. He was bamboozled. He was completely and utterly fiddlefucked. Chris Ballew, disguised as Gamora, had killed his best and only friends? And FUCKED HIM?
Apparently so. And as Chris reached behind his back, pulling out his axe, Ralsei realized that this would not be an easy fight, perhaps the hardest fight he would ever do. He knew from research that Ballew was a level 2000 guitar virtuoso, undefeated by any mortal, monster or otherwise.
Until now.
Ralsei reached for his gun, but was stopped as Ballew slammed his axe into the concrete between Ralsei's hand and the pistol with a tooth-rattling BANG! which knocked Ralsei's hat off his head.
"Are you sure you want to do that, sweetheart?" Ballew said in Gamora's voice, then cackled. Ralsei, disgusted, pulled his hand away and reached to his neck.
Ballew's guitar was scarf-slapped away from him, and clattered to the ground. With a growl of frustration, Ballew bent over to pick it up, and was immediately scarf-spanked square in the buttocks. He screeched and fell to the ground.
Ralsei walked to where Ballew was lying, writhing on the floor in pain. He grabbed his gun from beside him, aimed at Ballew, hesitated.
Then he remembered Susie.
Ballew fell out of the fifth-story window of his industrial complex, twenty rounds permanently embedded in his skull.
Ralsei picked up his hat and walked home.
THE END